MITCHELL'S TAKE MOJO MITCHELL'S GREAT AMERICAN BASH SMACKDOWN 7/3: Stream of foreigners celebrating America, Bullied turning into bullies, Sam Houston, Paul Jones, Dick Slater
Jul 4, 2012 - 2:30:06 PM
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Mojo Mitchell's Live Summer Smackdown Stream of Whatever Happened to the Great American Bash
Smackdown starts with a bunch of also-rans partying in the parking lot Fourth of July style, celebrating America. Most of them are foreigners.
Also, Natalya is going on and on to whoever will listen about how great Bret Hart, who will be at the thousandth Raw, is, was, and ever will be.
Kane ignites the barbecue.
The guy who isn't Michael Cole introduces the show. The guy who is Michael Cole says he's going to interview A.J. tonight.
Ricardo Rodriguez, who is just happy not to be back in front of that Raw crowd, introduces his partner Alberto Del Rio. They actually leave in the chanting while replaying Del Rio killing Sin Cara Monday night.
Del Rio says he's going to send Sheamus back to Ireland "like a little girl." I told you.
He wants to send all of you to the place you belong. He demands to see papers from ringsiders and accuses them of being illegal aliens. Yeah, it's July 4th holiday, all right.
One guy tells him, "This is not Arizona, this is Texas."
Since there are no Real Americans any more, Sheamus has to come out to save the guy from being deported. He beats up Del Rio until his partner makes the save.
The two get the advantage on Sheamus, then lay him face-down and slam the … the… the… hood of the car on the prone, presumably moaning champion over and over and over again…
until Del Rio is satisfied. Rodriguez is noticeably sweating when Del Rio finishes.
Layla & The Great Khali face Antonio Cesaro & Aksana in the Teddy Long Cuckold's Revenge match. There's a lesson here for all you aspiring Divas. Layla pins Aksana. I have no idea why Khali and Cesaro were even out there.
Cody Rhodes tells GM Teddy Long his appeal went through with the WWE Board of Directors and he gets another qualifying match for the Money in the Bank match. Long says he has to face Christian, who Rhodes hasn't beaten. Bet he doesn't here either.
Long ought to book a three-way Battle of the Losers between Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, and Zack Ryder and make the loser the Loser Champion.
Mick Foley's most memorable Raw moment was WCW's Tony Schiavone told everyone on the live Nitro that Cactus Jack was going to win the WWF Title on the taped Raw and over half a million viewers switched over to Raw. Nice work, Eazy E.
Cody Rhodes faces Christian to get in the Money in the Bank match. Hey, if Christian wins, does that mean there's an empty slot in the match? Forget the MITB Qualifying match, the Board of Directors need to meet about Rhodes wrestling in his briefs all the time.
This is a good match, even if Rhodes is wrestling like a babyface and wins clean with his signature hold.
Hornswoggle is in the kiddie pool because he's really a child. Zack Ryder and Heath Slater argue over who's going to provide the music for the party. Turns out it's Brodus Clay. He's starting to get the step now.
Another qualifier – Hey, look, it's Alex Riley! Remember him? Anyway, he faces Dolph Ziggler. Hell, if Rhodes can win, so can Ziggler. The other guy says Tyson Kidd tweeted today that the beating he took from Lord Tensai in the locker room on Raw won't keep him out of the Money in the Bank match "because it's fake."
Ziggler wins and goes on to win one of the briefcases in two weeks.
Michael Cole interviews A.J. in the prime first of the second hour segment. This is going to an interesting quarter-hour rating. Cole is doing all the talking.
She sure made little boys out of the WWE champion and his number-one contender on Raw last night. That's not good.
Cole dominates her.
"What were you thinking? You weren't thinking. You're nothing but a troubled little girl."
This isn't working.
Cole starts coming on to her. "Have you ever thought about a real man?"
This really isn't working.
Daniel Bryan comes out, sans "Yes!" Some reporter must have made Vince McMahon mad again, because Bryan stars going on about reporters just making things up.
Bryan forgives A.J. for not realizing he was in harm's way when she pitched Punk through that table.
"Cole, get out now!"
C.M. Punk wants to be blunt an hones with A.J., because he's worried about her. Maybe some of it is his fault.
Oh brother, what has championship wrestling come to?
Bryan and Punk starts squabbling over who cares more about A.J.
A.J. gets between them. She makes out with Bryan while Punk looks queasy. He turns his back and begins to leave.
A.J. catches up with Punk and begins to make out with him, too.
Whatever happened to pro wrestlers who'd rather hurt a man than love a woman?
Now, for something serious...
Santino introduces his partners, Sgt. Slaughter and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, who face Camacho, Hunico, and Drew McIntyre. 66-year-old Vince McMahon uses Michael Cole to rip how old Sarge and Duggan are.
Damien Sandow buzz-kills the Bash party with his big words, some of which he uses correctly. He fights with Zacl Ryder and poor Eve ends up with crap poured on her. Teddy Long loves it.
Have you noticed how the only thing WWE knows to do with victims of powerful bullies is to have the victims get power and use it to bully their bullies?
Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks flipped a coin, so Curt Hawkings gets to lose to Not Goldberg.
The Great American Bash 2012 climaxes with the big Battle Royal to determine next week's cockamamie Smackdown General Manager. The participants are Michael Samuel Houston, Manny Fernandez, Superstar Billy Graham, The Barbarian, Abdullah the Butcher, Paul Jones, Jimmy the Boogie-Woogie Man Valiant, Nature Boy Buddy Landel, Outlaw Ron Bass, J.J. Dillon, Ole Anderson, Arn Anderson, Dick Slater, Buzz Sawyer, Buzz Tyler, Kamala, Scandor Akbar, Magnum TA, Ivan Koloff, Krusher Kruschev, Hawk, Animal, Paul Ellering, Nikita Koloff, Ric Flair, and David Crockett – live from Crockett Park in Charlotte.
Actually, Zack Ryder has a history-making win in the Battle Royal winning the Smackdown GM Job for a Week prize, so that'll be annoying.
The historic part is that Zack Ryder, Dolph Ziggler, and Cody Rhodes all won on the same show. What's the original Great American Bash compared to that?
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