MITCHELL'S TAKE MOJO MITCHELL'S 1,000TH RAW STREAM - First Caesar, Worst Wedding, WWE Brock Lesnar paying for UFC Brock Lesnar, Too much Steph, Too little Steve, some Rock news...
Jul 24, 2012 - 1:05:22 PM
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By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist
Mojo Mitchell's 1000th Raw Stream of The First Caesar, Heads Full of Hair, Worst Wedding, WWE Brock Lesnar, Too Much Steph, Too Little Steve, Some Taker, and a bit of Rock News
I'm not lying. I don't care what you say. I don't care about there wasn't an Internet when Raw started or you quit doing these every week a while ago or there were years before you even started or any of that stuff. This is the 1,000th Raw Mojo. I'm not lying. I mean it. Go jump in a lake.
We have a new open, with the most interesting addition footage of Vincent J. McMahon. Then, there's a long, very well-done highlight video for Raw. The late Eddie Guerrero stands in for all the dead wrestlers, all 45 or so of them.
Vince McMahon is out first to say thank you (well, not to the dead wrestlers), then he introduces DeGeneration X. The cute one does some cute stuff, then the other one asks, "Is this all of us?"
Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, and X-Pac, but not the big one all appear. Road Dogg does his thing, and a tremendous thing it was, followed by Triple H doing the stuff he used to do, but not before he points out he's the only one left with a full head of hair.
Shawn Michaels and Billy Gunn then humorously bicker over whatever it was they used to do, I forget.
Damien Sandow then interrupts with the stuff he does. You know how those smart guys are. DX huddles up. Sandow gets super-kicked and Pedigreed because someone has to be. This is pretty much what it should be, some nostalgic fun, kind of like when the cool kids in your senior class get together for the Homecoming game seven years after graduation.
Jim Ross comes to the announce table.
Rey Mysterio, Sin Cara, and Sheamus face Chris Jericho, Dolph Ziggler, and Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez). I suspect we're going to have a bunch of multi-folks matches to fit everyone in on this one, three hours or not.
They announce that Chris Jericho had the second most number of matches on Raw behind Triple H and I believe them. Everyone gets some stuff in, then Sheamus pins Jericho with a Brogue Kick after Ziggler whacks Jericho.
Jim Ross leaves the announce table.
Tout stuff. I'm already sick of it.
A shambling, stuttering, touting Charlie Sheen praises DX, Sheamus, and WWE. He clearly isn't watching.
A.J. talks to Layla about the wedding. Layla asks her if she is sure about this. Everyone says I'm crazy. Enter Jim Duggan, R-Truth, Roddy Piper, Little Jimmy, Mae Young, and her grown-up son, the Hand, in the hall.
The obligatory Brodus Clay-Jack Swagger match is up. Dude Love joins Clay. They dance.
Trish Stratus teaches Triple H how to do yoga until the rest of DX catches him. X-Pac hits on Stratus (I think).
Slick, "an absolute trail-blazer in this industry," Michael Cole says, is officiating the wedding between A.J. and Daniel Bryan. Yeah, the guy was first tomming out and out pimp character ever on a TV show for kids.
Daniel Bryan yes, yes, yes down the aisle in a white tuxedo, and Jerry Lawler tells a bunch of bad marriage jokes. A.J. looks good. We're all the wedding party. I don't care, I'm not buying them a wedding present.
Slick talks that slick talk, then asks if anyone objects. Lots of folks in the crowd do. Bryan says when he slips the ring on A.J.'s finger, he’ll finally have everything he wanted. He asks A.J. She says Yes.
By the power vested in me…
Wait! I wasn't saying yes to Daniel. I was saying yes to someone else, another man who made a proposal to me tonight.
No chance. No chance in hell.
"It's not that kind of proposal. It's a business proposal. Allow me to introduce the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw…"
McMahon waves to the back, then points to the ring.
So, what's A.J. taking the Raw General Manager job, which she was offered for no real storyline reason, have to do with whether she marries Daniel Bryan or not?
No! No! No!
That was an awful letdown. It's like WWE Creative came up with what to do about the angle at 5 o'clock this afternoon.
C.M. Punk comes down to josh Bryan about being left at the altar.
Bryan: "You're not the Best in the World. You're not even the best in ther ring right now. I am. I'm the greatest Raw Superstar of all-time!"
Cue the People's Champion.
"You don't get to say who the Greatest of All-Time is. They get to say who the Greatest of All-Time is."
"Finally, The Rock has come back to St. Louis!"
"I don't know who you think you…"
"No. no, no, you don't cut the Rock off like that."
Rock history lesson: He won his first WWE Title here in St. Louis. He's not here to talk to Frodo, he's here to talk to the WWE champion. Whoever the WWE champion is at the Royal Rumble will face tTe Rock.
That's big news, and the show could use some at this point.
"The WWE champion at the Royal Rumble? You're looking at him." Punk says.
"No! No! No! This is supposed to be about me. This is supposed to be the greatest night of my life. Somehow, someway, I'm going to be the WWE champion at the Royal Rumble," Bryan says.
Rock wishes C.M. Punk good luck in his match tonight with John Cena, then Rock Bottoms Frodo.
(1) The Rock
(2) C.M. Punk
(3) Daniel Bryan
The special guest ring announcer for this next match – Bret "the Hitman" Hart! He immediately praises the late Mr. Perfect, Curt Hennig, then announces Christian versus (small voice) The Miz for the Intercontinental title, because Hart beat Hennig for that title in a great match back when that was a big deal.
Hey, wait a minute, Miz wins the IC Title! It's a good move in that it gives the guy something to brag about.
Charlie Sheen is, uh, well, …
And, Regis Philbin has a cold.
Wow, he shows a picture of the Dick Beyer, the Destroyer. Giants walked among us.
Triple H is out to pick up the intensity. Thank goodness. He wants to fight Brock Lesnar at Summerslam. He wants an answer to his challenge.
Paul Heyman comes out instead. He says Brock Lesnar like 16 straight times, then he says…
Paul Heyman is the nastiest, most infuriating, best promo on the show, and he's blowing The Game off the stage.
"I told you not to talk about my wife or children."
Now Stephanie McMahon is out. "When it comes to my father, Vince McMahon, you're just looking in the rear view mirror. Your children are ashamed of you, They know you're nothing but a professional parasite."
'You want to fight Brock Lesnar at Summerslam! You got it!"
Steph beats up Heyman.
Lesnar comes down. Steph clears out. He jumps Triple H. They fight. Triple H runs Brock Lesnar out of the ring. Triple H is losing to Brock Lesnar at Summerslam.
There's UFC Brock Lesnar and there's WWE Brock Lesnar, and there's millions of dollars difference between the two. WWE is getting WWE Lesnar, but paying for UFC Lesnar.
Oh, and Paul Heyman played Triple H and Steph like a fiddle, again.
Steve Austin highlights. Stephanie McMahon is obnoxious talking about him.
Santino and Hornswoggle come out with their Raw wrestling buddies. Remember those? But, where's the Hulkster with his plastic fist hat?
Howard Finkel is the ring announcer now. He's still the best in the business. He introduces Heath Slater. He challenges anyone of those Raw legends to a No DQ, No count-out match.
Lita comes out.
"You really think you can beat me?"
Lita hired some protection – JBL and Ron Simmons, the APA. Slater leaves. Animal is on the ramp. All the legends from the past weeks join him.
Sid Eudy does, too.
Slater goes back to the ring, then JBL hits him with a Clothesline from Hell. Lita hits a moonsault and pins him.
Sean Mooney (?!?) interviews Daniel Bryan, who cuts a promo on Charlie Sheen. Mooney looks appalled.
Travis Bryant is the one hundred millionth Social Media follower! He's having a better time than Daniel Bryan, it says right there on the card.
Fozzie Bear from the Muppets reviews all the Raw catchphrases. If Jim Henson were alive, this never wold have happened. You don't see Donald Duck on WWE.
Zach Ryder reveals to John Cena and Gene Okerlund that G-TV all those years was Gene Okerlund TV. Who cares? Gene doesn't and goes looking for the bar.
Rock wishes John Cena good luck. Cena wants to win and get another shot at the Great One at WrestleMania. This main event tonight better be big, because it's got to carry the show now.
In the meantime, Kane faces, well, a bunch of also-rans surround him to get on TV.
The gong sounds. The greatest entrance in wresting history commences.
The also-rans fly for the brothers. Double tombstones for the two also-rans left in the ring. You get the feeling you might be seeing something for the last time.
Charlie Sheen invites Goat Face to, well, something at Summerslam in L.A.
It could happen.
John Cena turns in his recently won Money in the Bank briefcase to challenge C.M. Punk for the WWE Title. We'll be seeing Big Show in a few minutes, since he hasn't been on the show yet.
The match starts at the beginning of the fourth hour. You heard me.
The two let the chants wrestle for them for a while, and then it turns into a decent and really heated match. Ref bump. Cena gets what they used to call a visionary fall on Punk.
Here's Big Show. He hits a big, fat spear on Cena, then sets up for a knock-out punch. He gets it. Cena is out. Boo!
Punk doesn't know what to do. He goes to check on the referee outside the ring. He gets him in the ring, then has an attack of conscience. He then goes to pin Cena, finally, but Cena kicks out. He tries for the Go to Sleep, but Cena reverses it into an STF. Punk is on the verge of tapping out and losing the WWE Title when Show jumps in the ring again and attacks Cena again. The referee calls for the DQ. Cena is the only person in WWE history to win MITB and not use it to win a World Title.
Show beats up Cena while Punk limps from the effect of the AA. He turns his back ashamedly on Cena.
Rock's music hits, then he runs down while Punk, head down, goes in the opposite direction. He saves Cena instead, beating up Show and hitting him with the Rock Bottom. Rock comes flying off the ropes...
and Punk nails him with a clothesline. He then hits Go to Sleep on Rock. The crowd turns on Punk, for the most part, as he stands among the wreckage.
The announcers really should have been yelling about what's wrong with C.M. Punk this time instead of the same silent let-the-picture-tell-the-story they always use.
Jerry Lawler with the last word: "It seems like the WWE Universe has turned on C.M. Punk, but C.M. Punk has turned on the WWE Universe."
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