WWE Raw Report WWE RAW RESULTS 8/30: Kellers' report on the 900th Episode featuring Kane, Undertaker, Bret Hart, John Cena, Nexxus, Bryan & Kaval
Aug 30, 2010 - 9:02:37 PM
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By Wade Keller, PWTorch editor
KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
AUGUST 30, 2010
AIRED LIVE ON USA NETWORK
-They opened with images of The Rock, Bret Hart, and Steve Austin logos of some of the top long-running TV shows of all time such as "NYPD Blue," "Friends," "M*A*S*H," "The Simpsons, " "I Love Lucy," and many others and referred to Raw's #900 as "a feat so monumental it's never been done before." Then came images of Sheamus, Randy Orton, Edge, John Cena, Undertaker, DX, Trish Status, and Shawn Michaels. Then Austin's beer bath, Big Show throwing Floyd Mayweather over the top rope, Chris Jericho's original debut, and Triple H posing for the crowd. Then the regular Raw opening aired.
-Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler introduced the show as the camera panned the crowd. Cole hyped that it was the 900th consecutive week. Well, there was that week they took off when Nitro debuted. Have they always done make-good shows for the weeks they were preempted by USA Network's U.S. Open tennis of the Westminster Dog Shows? Lawler hyped the main event ten-man tag match.
-Bret Hart walked out. Cole said he was responsible for many great Raw moments starting in Jan. 11, 1993. Cole noted the debut Raw took place at Manhattan Center's grand ballroom. Cole said some would say Bret is stealing the spotlight tonight. That was a weird comment to make. "Hello Boston, long time, no see," Bret opened. He reminisced about a "new show called Monday Night Raw" debuting 17 years ago. He confessed that back then he wondered if the show would catch on. He said, "Thanks to all of you fans, 17 years and 900 episodes later, it looks like it's doing pretty damn good. What do you think?" He said Raw has the most shows in the history of prime time wrestling (not counting "60 Minutes" and "Monday Night Football" and a few others, but that's why WWE almost always qualified their boasting with the phrase "weekly episodic prime time show" to eliminate news shows, sports shows, and daily soap operas or game shows. He said only one other wrestler is still around from back then, and that's Undertaker.
Kane interrupted and walked to the ring. He said Undertaker isn't The Phenom anymore. "He's just a man," he said. The crowd loudly chanted "Under-taker" and then went into the "what?" bit. Kane said Taker and Bret are the same, describing them as: weak, feeble, scraggly, over the hill, irreversibly damaged. He said the last time his brother was truly the Undertaker was at WrestleMania when he ended the career of Shawn Michaels. Kane said Bret must have loved seeing his top rival whom he utterly despised finally laid to rest. Bret said what he's truly savoring is seeing Undertaker get his hands on him and beat him as he always does. Kane said the one thing he's wanted more than anything else was to break out of his brother's shadow and prove he is the Devil's Favorite Demon. He said Undertaker took out an icon in Shawn Michaels, so he needs to do the same. "I need to take out you," he said. He grabbed Bret by the throat. The Hart Dynasty charged into the ring and were ineffective as Kane tossed them out easily. Bret punched away at Kane. Kane grabbed Bret by the neck again. Then the lights went down and Taker's gong sounded. The lights came back on and Taker stood mid-ring staring down Kane. Kane smiled, maniacally laughed, and then jumped to the floor. He said, "Not yet."
The G.M. chime sounded. Michael Cole stood up and said he has received an email from the general manager. He opened the laptop and announced, "I see this Iconic Moment taking place and in honor of Raw's 900th episode and despite my reluctance in the past, I have decided we will have a main event befitting this historic occasion tonight. Bret 'The Hitman' Hart versus The Undertaker." This G.M. is hilarious. And props to WWE for changing the camera angle on Cole's announcements so now they don't show the paper on the keyboard he's actually reading from rather than the screen where the email supposedly is being read from. His eyes still look straight down, though. Why not just tape the damn sheet of paper he's reading from to the screen instead of the keyboard so everything looks legit?
-They cut to highlights of the first Raw opening including Bobby Heenan complaining to Sean Mooney about not being let in as the signature original Raw theme aired back when the WWE production team still had the saxophone fetish. Clips aired of Shawn Michaels and Yokozuna, among others, plus the voice of announcers Vince McMahon and Randy Savage. [c]
-WWE Fact: Raw has aired more original episodes than "Survivor," "Amazing Race," and "American Idol" COMBINED.
-A clip aired from Sept. 28, 1998 of Steve Austin trying to attack Mr. McMahon, but being driven off in the back of a squad car.
1 -- KOFI KINGSTON & MICHAEL MCGUILLICUTTY vs. DANIEL BRYAN & KAVAL vs. THE MIZ & ALEX RILEY -- Triple Threat Tag Team Match
Cole is going to have a field day with Kaval & Daniel. "It's Internet heaven, all Internet all the time," said Cole. He mocked their height being around 5-9 and weight under 200 pounds. Yeah, like those little George St. Pierre, Anderson Silva, and Rich Franklin fellas. Not worth even watching at that size! Cole predicted Riley will win the second season of NXT. Lawler re-spun a phrase saying opinions are like noses, everybody's got one. Daniels broke up a pin attempt by Kofi on Riley. Lawler and Cole talked about what an honor and opportunity it is for the rookies to be featured on this historic Raw. Kaval tagged in against McGuillicutty at 2:00. He applied one of his great submission holds, but Riley broke it up before McGuillicutty could tap. Kaval hit a top rope stomp on McGuillicutty, but Miz surprised Kaval with the Skull Crushing Finale for the win. Afterward, as Miz gloated, Bryan kicked Riley off the ring apron. Miz hit Bryan from behind with the briefcase.
WINNERS: Miz & Riley in 3:00 when Miz pinned Kaval.
-Cole plugged the Undertaker vs. Bret main event, plus Orton & Edge & Jericho & Sheamus & Cena vs. Nexxus. [c]
2 -- LAY COOL (Layla & Michelle McCool) vs. MELINA & EVE TORRES
Lawler said at this rate, "Jersey Shore" will reach its 900th episode in the year 2083. He joked about how old the cast will be then. There was barely time for the crawler on the screen to plug the Raw Seasons 1 & 2 on DVD, the Night of Champions PPV, and John Cena appearing "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on Wednesday. Melina rolled up Layla for the very quick win
WINNERS: Melina & Eve in 1:00.
-Afterward McCool said their win will be just like her, "completely forgettable." Way to dismiss a match outcome to the point that it makes the whole point of matches, well, pointless. No wrestler should ever downplay a loss like that as it throws into play the question no viewer should be asking themselves, which is why exactly do wins and losses in matches like this matter? McCool and Layla then challenged Melina to a unification of the Divas Title and Women's Title at Night of the Champions. Melina said she anticipated such a challenge (how is that?!?!), but she wanted it to be a lumberjack match. Seriously, how are we to fathom that Melina would anticipate that challenge? LayCool said that was fine with them. Out walked the Bella Twins, Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, Jillian Hall, and the rest of the Divas roster. Lawler said it was too good to be true and offered to be part of the match.
-A clip aired of episode #889 from June 7, 2010 featuring the Nexus attack on Cena.
-They cut backstage to Michael Tarver saying that people are claiming that because they kicked out Darren Young and Skip Sheffield broke his ankle, they're weaker. Wade Barrett said tonight they're going to beat five of the biggest Supestars in Raw history, and in three weeks he'll become WWE Champion. He said tonight they need to do something unforgettable that will get people talking forever and he knows exactly what that is. [c]
-They showed an aerial view of Boston at night.
-Clips aired of Bob Barker guest hosting Raw on Sept. 7, 2009, episode #850, when he confronted Jericho back when Jericho was in WWE. Oh wait, he's still in WWE. Back when Jericho was a major player on Raw and not a mid-card jobber.
-Josh Matthews interviewed Jericho looked like he was standing on top of a milk crate. He said he needs to take matters into his own hands and get back to the level of the greatest performer of this generation or any other. He said he had an epiphany. He said if he doesn't win the WWE Title at Night of the Champions, "Jericho's gone. It's the last you'll see of Jericho in the WWE." Jericho covered up Matthews's mic and said he's not joking. He said up next he'll again prove he's the best at what he does. That's big news, actually, since WWE usually lives up to those stips. But if they don't hype it much, they probably have some sort of "out" worked into the gameplan for Jericho's heel character. Will he lose and come back under a mask? Too similar to Punk recently? Is his contract coming due and he's really headed to TNA or retirement? Or does he actually win the title and get his push back? [c]
-John Morrison made his ring entrance as Lawler said how many more years "Survivor" would need to be on the air to reach 900 episodes He said it'd take another 45 seasons. That's because WWE doesn't have an off-season, which is something they might not want to be drawing attention to. R-Truth came out singing. Cole said, "We get it. We get it!" Morrison smiled like he liked the intro song.
3 -- JOHN MORRISON & R-TRUTH vs. CODY RHODES & DREW MCINTYRE
Cole plugged that Cody was part of "Warehouse 13" on SyFy last week. Lawler and Cole talked about this match being a "slobberknocker" and referenced Ross, who announced by far more Raws than anyone, of course, other than Lawler, who is right there with him if not ahead of him (each had various hiatuses). Four-way action broke out at ringside early in the match. All four were counted out at 1:00. Cole said the G.M. won't like that.
WINNERS: No contest at 1:00. I assume the show is running long.
-They hyped that Undertaker vs. Bret was next. [c]
-Stupid WWE Fact: At its current ate, "The Jersey Shore" will reach its 900th episode in the year 2083, and Snooki will be older than Berry White (96 years old).
-A Raw flashback aired from Jan. 4, 2010 on episode #867 with Bret calling for a truce with Shawn Michaels followed by a hug. These flashbacks are mostly so recent. Did they lose their archives or can't they find older clips with everyone still alive and in good standing with WWE (not in TNA, for instance) or in rehab or at high risk of dying soon? You'd think especially with the DVD of Raw's first and second season they'd go back further. But avoiding Curt Hennig, Ric Flair, Jeff Jarrett, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, 1-2-3 Kid, and many others from the 1990s does get tough. And there's a spin on "at this rate" stats that WWE is throwing around. "At this rate, if as many former NFL stars die under age 50 as WWE stars from the 1990s and 2000s have, x-number will be dead by 2035." Obviously, no mention of Luna tonight, although WWE is generating web traffic with a photo collection from her days in WWE right now.
-Bret Hart came out for his match against Undertaker. Undertaker came out second. The gleeful bragging about Raw outdistancing shows like "Gunsmoke" is just getting annoying at this point. It's so not important to Raw viewers and it seems the audience is someone else, like Bonnie Hammer. I mean, people don't care how long a show has been on more than they want to be entertaining while watching the current episode. Cole said Taker is one of the main reasons Raw has lasted so long (ignoring the fact that he's been on Smackdown nearly forever). Barrett walked out and said this match isn't going to happen. He said when people remember the 900th episode of Raw, they want to talk about the future, not the past, and he's the future. He said earlier he vowed to do something unforgettable and replace Bret Hart and prove that Undertaker is indeed a dead man." He charged into the ring as Bret leaned in the corner. Taker took Barrett down with a barrage of punches and a big boot, and then clotheslined him over the top rope. The Taker gong sounded and the lights went out.
When they came back on, Bret was missing and Kane stood in the ring. Kane and Taker exchanged punches. Taker grabbed Kane by the throat. The lights went out and when they came back on, Kane was gone. That happened fast. That's easier on pretaped shows than live. The other four active members of Nexus walked to the ring. They surrounded Undertaker. This was more impressive when it was seven and not six. He fended off those four plus Barrett. He grabbed Barrett by the throat. The lights went out and when they came back on, Barrett had Taker lifted. He overhead slammed Taker hard to the mat as Kane watched from the stage. Nexus surrounded Taker. Barrett began instructing his men, who set up Taker for the Justin Gabriel 450 splash. He landed it perfectly and as always sold a rib or hand injury afterward. He got me on that a couple weeks ago. Taker tried to sit up, but collapsed. Kane laughed maniacally from the stage. [c]
-A replay aired of what happened before the break.
4 -- JACK SWAGGER vs. EVAN BOURNE
-Jack Swagger walked out and took some digs at Boston sports, saying he gets why Johnny Damon wouldn't want to return to Boston, but he has no problem bringing a little swagger back to Monday Night Raw. A minute into the match, Alberto Del Rio drove out in his Bentley. His own ring announcer introduced him. Cole said he's a big fan of him. They did a split screen of the match as Del Rio postured and posted as his pyro blasted on the stage. As if WWE couldn't have done more to diminish the idea a match on Raw will actually fully play out and last more than three minutes. Swagger avoided Bourne's shooting star press, then clipped him from behind and forced a tapout.
WINNER: Swagger in 2:00. Bourne shouldn't be losing that quickly. All matches just seem like they're becoming a vehicle to something else and not an ends, which is dangerous to do to this degree.
-Del Rio stood at ringside and said "that little Chihuahua Rey Mysterio" wouldn't be there tonight. He said what he did to him last week was just phenomenal and incredible. He said he's going to provide a similar moment for Raw tonight with another Chihuahua, Evan. He put Bourne in the Cross Armbreaker. Bourne tapped out frantically. Del Rio released the hold after a few seconds. He then kicked Bourne out of the ring. Mark Henry ran out to make the save and knocked a chair out of Del Rio's arms. [c]
-Cole and Lawler threw to a video package on WWE's trip to China as "Soul Survivor" from Angles & Airwaves "Love" CD played in the background. Cool footage of Cena and Orton arriving and being received by a huge crowd of fans at the aiport aired. Then they showed fans running to the arena hosting the World Expo. Clips aired of The Miz and Chris Jericho speaking to media. They showed newspaper clippings of coverage of the show. Great montage that really puts over how internationally popular WWE has become. [c]
-Finally, a clip of The Rock... This from episode #331 on Sept. 27, 1999, the heralded highest rated segment on Raw ever that has dictated Vince Russo's booking philosophy every since - the "This is your life" segment with Mankind and The Rock.
-C.M. Punk led The Straight Edge Society (what's left of them) to the ring. He entered the ring and asked, "Do you know whom I better than? The Rock." He said he doesn't drink or smoke or make crappy movies like "The Tooth Fairy." He asked the fans if they like The Rock. The crowd cheered. He asked if they miss The Rock. He said he doesn't miss him because The Rock epitomizes "this septic tank of a show that is Monday Night Raw." He said 900 shows is a milestone, but for 900 shows, Raw has been promoting poor family values. "Don't believe me? I got two words for you..." The crowd chanted "Suck it!" He said, "Katie Vick. If you don't get it, that's fine, just YouTube it. It will drive you to drink and then you can come to me and I will save you." He said he was going to highlight the four most atrocious moments in Raw perpetrated by WWE Superstars. He said he is the judge, jury, and executor.
He threw to March 9, 2009, episode #824, featuring Triple H breaking into Randy Orton's fake house. That was bad. Why was Triple H part of so many lame, desperate skits over the years. He threw to a clip from August 1, 2006, #691, featuring John Cena throwing Edge into the Long Island Sound. Punk said he would never throw any competitor into any body of water ever. He said that's poor sportsmanship, riffing on a recent Smackdown angle. Then came Apr. 27, 1998 from episode #257 featuring DX invading a WCW event. And finally Steve Austin spraying Vince McMahon and The Corporation with a beer hose on the March 22, 1999 episode #304 and another clip of the same beer hose on episode #754 from Nov. 5, 2007 of Austin spraying Santino.
Punk said words cannot express the shame he feels for the fans cheering a man like Steve Austin. He told them they would take out second mortgages to watch Austin come down that very aisle to spray him with a fire hose of beer. Austin's music played. Punk, Mercury, and Luke Gallows acted scared. Then they laughed. Punk said they fell for it. Punk asked if they're disappointed and feel empty inside. "Are you upset with me? Well, good. Because that's how empty I feel and disappointed I feel when I come here and see each and every one of you." He said he's not sorry he made them feel that way. He said he's happy they're disappointed.
He said he had one more clip so he could leave on a high note. He said it's a clip from Smackdown featuring Brock Lesnar superplexing The Big Show, causing the ring to collapse and ringposts to fall over. Punk said he can watch that clip over and over because it represents everything he can't be, such as being "criminally obese." He said, "I don't know who the other guys was, but Big Show is so big he broke..." Show's music interrupted him. Punk asked, "Why do I always get interrupted?"
Show said Punk really surprises him. He said he said tries to insult him and goes with a fat joke. Show said he's lost weight. "Okay, I found it," he said after looking at his backside. He said to embarrass him, he should have brought up how Eddie Guerrero gave him chronic diarrhea for five days from a bad burrito. Or when he got caught on video kissing Vickie Guerrero. He said he loves to make people laugh. He said he does impersonations. He did a Hulk Hogan impersonation. That shows how little WWE fears TNA right now, giving Hogan some needless attention. Show went for a high-five. Punk said, "I thought you said something about being entertaining. That was boring and nobody likes you." Show replied: "That was mean." Funny. Punk said in response to the high-five request, "There is nothing high about the Straight Edge Society, and that is what makes us better than you." Show said he's not high, just tall, and then he chopped Punk in the chest. He fended off Gallows next. [c]
-Cole called this a "mind-boggling 900th episode of Raw." Cole and Lawler bragged about having more episodes than every Star Trek series combined.
-A clip aired from the Jan. 7, 2002, episode #450, featuring Triple H's return from quad surgery. Then it showed Triple H beating up Kurt Angle with a head full of hair.
-Matthews interviewed Sheamus on the stage. He complained about having to defend his WWE Championship against five different opponents at Night of the Champions. As he ranted and raved about his challengers and being discriminated against, Edge interrupted. He told Sheamus he was giving him a headache. He said he came out to inform him that since he debuted on Raw, episode #265, he has had crazy things happen to him and then listed them. He said he's experienced it all, but he's given back three times as many crazy things as he's received. He said he's won 29 championships in WWE. He told Sheamus he can keep complaining, but he's going to become WWE Champion at Night of the Champions. [c]
-Ring entrances too place for the main eventers. Orton was second-to-last and Cena last. It's actually pretty impressive they made it through nearly two hours of Raw without Jericho, Edge, Sheamus, Cena, or Orton appearing in front of the crowd. [c]
5 -- WADE BARRETT & JUSTIN GABRIEL & DAVID OTUNGA & MICHAEL TARVER & HEALTH SLATER vs. CHRIS JERICHO & EDGE & SHEAMUS & JOHN CENA & RANDY ORTON
Jericho walked out of the match and was intentionally counted out. He pretended he was going to return to the ring, but then smiled and walked out. That made it five on four. Edge shoved the ref Charles Robinson. The ref DQ'd him and sent him to the back. Edge walked to the back smiling. Cena entered against Tarver. A fan in the front row put his son on his shoulders facing the camera and he waved to the hard camera. Sheamus did tag in at 4:00 and fought for his team. Nexus isolated Sheamus and tagged in and out, taking turns stomping and punching him. And at 6:00 Slater pinned him. Orton and Cena weren't pleased. Cena entered and went to work on Heath aggressively. Cole said Nexus were impressive dissecting Sheamus. Cena made Otunga tapout with the STF at 10:00. Gabriel surprised Cena with a 450 splash and scored a three count. Orton then gave Gabriel an RKO. That left Orton against Barrett and Tarver. Orton gave Tarver an RKO for a sudden three count. Barrett surprised Orton with his overhead slam for the sudden pin and conclusion to the match. Barrett's finisher looks as weak as Cena's.
WINNER: Team Nexus in 11:00.
STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Decent main event.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Eh, it still feels like they're phoning it in a bit until post-Labor Day's "new fall season" starts. They could have done much more with the 900 episodes of archives of Raw and these super-short matches and rapid pins of top stars really define down the meaning of matches and top stars getting pinned.
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