9/26 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Paige retires, T.J. buys the wrong color roses, WrestleMania 34 footage, Bellas have brunch with fans

By Sarah K., PWTorch contributor


SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

On Total Divas, it’s still WrestleMania 34 in New Orleans. Bummer of all bummers, the show opens with the Bellas and bad sound quality in a hotel room. Nikki is wearing that dumb red hat and there are like fourth grade dick jokes. Moving along, the talent arrives at the Mercedes Benz Superdome. Brief shots of the Bar, Jimmy Uso, and The Miz. Nattie, Nia, and Lana remind us about how huge this is for women because there are four women’s matches on the nine hour long card. Brief Tamina cameo. Evidently Nattie and T.J. had a couples fight over T.J. not being supportive enough. Paige tries to intervene, and then doesn’t intervene. T.J. wanders off, and Nattie cries. Commercial.

Back from commercial, Nattie is still crying. She feels bad about crying in front of Paige, because “poor poor pitiful” Paige can’t wrestle anymore just like T.J. I’m sure they could have dragged that storyline on longer, but then, how would we have unnecessary Bella Twins filler on this show? Paige and Sonya Deville chat and wander down a hallway. They show more montage footage. There’s a lot of crowd montage footage on this show. Oh, yeah, we’re back to the Bella twins narrating a Daniel Bryan comeback match? I guess Daniel Bryan is a Total Diva? Backstage, Bryan and Paige have a heart-to-heart about retiring. For whatever reason, the Bellas are talking to T.J. about his inability to compliment Nattie. Meanwhile in the makeup area, Nia Jax is having anxiety about being the only fat girl in the division. Of course, for whatever reason, she never actually says fat or tall, or even plus-sized, which, honestly, is weird.

Oh god, it’s another voice-over about how girls can do it too. There’s a point at which it’s grating. So, it’s women’s battle royal time. Paige is on commentary, being both cautiously optimistic and sad about not competing. Naomi finally has a brief appearance on the show, explaining that she’s trying to win the battle royal, oh, and Lana’s in it too. And then Lana is eliminated. In the end, it’s down to Bayley and Naomi. We get a shot of the Bella twins clapping, because who the f— knows why? Anyway, Naomi wins. I’ll be honest, I like Naomi, but I did not remember that… probably because there was zero follow up on that win on Smackdown. Commercial.

More random footage from Mania. One of the Ascension members makes a cameo doing a push-up. Since WWE has done such a negligent job of pushing them, I have no idea whether that was Konnor or Viktor. Anyway, backstage after the battle royal, T.J. brings Nattie flowers, more specifically white roses. Upon consulting a florist’s website, white roses are for marriage, new beginnings, or sympathy. Maybe T.J. should have just gone with red. Since no one needs to consult 1-800-FLOWERS to know that those are the romantic ones.

For whatever reason, Nikki Bella is real excited to see Ronda Rousey. They show some match footage, since, you know, Ronda is not on Total Divas… unlike Daniel Bryan? So, they show the cast of Total Divas sitting on metal folding chairs watching the match which, honestly, looks kinda bush league. Anyway, Nia’s match has to follow Ronda’s match, so, I guess that’s why it was relevant to this show? Nia again vaguely explains that she and Alexa are no longer best buds before they show random footage of the match. This show would be more entertaining if they highlighted why Nia and Alexa aren’t friends, but I guess that would cut into needless Bella Twins segments, wouldn’t it? Anyway, Nia wins, so, yay!

Oh right, I forgot, Nia Jax was the Raw Women’s Champion for a cup of coffee… before losing it back to Alexa, who then lost it to Ronda. Anyway, everyone is happy for Nia, so, yay again. Oh, f—, back to this Nattie pimping Birdiebee crap storyline and how she promised that some fans could meet the Bellas. So, Brie and Nikki are gonna have brunch with some fans. I guess it’s somewhat entertaining to see what members of the “Bella Army” look like. I suspect that only the most camera-friendly fans got shown, since there were basically no fat dudes with beards. Hey, wrestling fans, I may be a curmudgeonly old lady (oh, c’mon, in lady wrestler terms at 39 I am a senior citizen), but I’ve been to my share of indy shows, and this selection of super fans looked pretty cherry picked and also didn’t contain nearly enough ten year old girls. Oh, you’ve never read the comments on either Bella’s Instagram? Yeah, their fanbase is largely little girls and teenage girls and the occasional gay guy proclaiming that the Bellas are “my queen.” Remember, I do this investigating so that you don’t have to. Of course, Brie and Nikki feel this brunch was successful. Evidently Brie and Nikki will be co-presidents.

Moving along, the group formerly known as Absolution goes shopping. Lana sends Paige like 700 texts. Yeah, remember previous seasons on Total Divas – that’s a thing. The whole Total Divas cast plus Sonya Deville, Alicia Fox, and Jimmy Uso are having a little retirement dinner for Paige. It’s a wishy washy moment. Commercial.

Cue 30 seconds of Nia Jax doing a photo shoot with the title. You know, because women’s empowerment or whatever. Anyway, on to this Paige retirement. In a cutaway shot Nia Jax sniffles and says, “Oh God, I get emotional talking about Paige. She’s the best.” I think they played that cutaway like three times, so, I guess that was the best take? So, Paige is in the ring with Mandy and Sonya, and they play her retirement speech. They show a montage of Paige’s career footage. You can see what her face looked like before she fell into the trend of painting her eyebrows on her face like she’s Groucho Marx. There’s a lot of Paige crying through her speech, although there appear to be no actual tears. The silver lining of the moment, as a long time wrestling fan, is that the voice of JBL appeared nowhere in this segment.

Next week on the show: Naomi is evidently going on a diet, Lana and Rusev take naughty photos on a beach, and Nattie gets a storyline with Ronda Rousey, which beats the sh– out of pimping Birdiebee crap.

NOW CHECK OUT LAST WEEK’S REPORT: 9/19 TOTAL DIVAS REVIEW: Nattie wants a compliment from T.J., Bellas plug stuff, Paige deals with neck injury and end of in-ring career, Naomi uncomfortable with tarot cards

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