{"id":134966,"date":"2022-03-10T00:08:37","date_gmt":"2022-03-10T06:08:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/?p=134966"},"modified":"2022-03-10T00:08:37","modified_gmt":"2022-03-10T06:08:37","slug":"3-7-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-famous-asides-all-of-the-wight-henry-quips-plus-statlander-vs-sakura-plus-wheeler-archer-soho-garcia-sky","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/03\/10\/3-7-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-famous-asides-all-of-the-wight-henry-quips-plus-statlander-vs-sakura-plus-wheeler-archer-soho-garcia-sky\/","title":{"rendered":"3\/7 AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT: Bryant&#8217;s famous &#8220;asides,&#8221; all of the Wight &#038; Henry quips, plus Statlander vs. Sakura, plus Wheeler, Archer, Soho, Garcia, Sky"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"pwtor-1069493805\" class=\"pwtor-before-content pwtor-entity-placement\"><hr \/><b>SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)... <\/b>\r\n\r\n<iframe src=\"https:\/\/widget.spreaker.com\/player?show_id=3076978&theme=light&playlist=false&playlist-continuous=false&autoplay=false&live-autoplay=false&chapters-image=true&episode_image_position=right&hide-logo=false&hide-likes=false&hide-comments=false&hide-sharing=false&hide-download=true\" width=\"100%\" height=\"140px\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe>\r\n<hr \/><\/div><h3>AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT<br \/>\nMARCH 7, 2022<br \/>\nTAPED 3\/2 IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA.<br \/>\nAIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM<br \/>\nREPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR<\/h3>\n<p><em>Commentators: Mark Henry and Paul Wight<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts<\/em><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>&#8211; What a great week of wrestling! Wasn\u2019t Sunday wild? It felt like riding a rollercoaster with a loose seatbelt! I hope you folks enjoyed it as much as I did, and I hope you enjoy today\u2019s report, too. Thank you for visiting PWTorch.com, and thank you for taking the time to read my unhinged ramblings. Writing for PWTorch has been a dream come true, and I cannot emphasize enough how much your support and feedback have meant.<\/p>\n<p>-Tonight\u2019s Dark Elevation taping emanated not-live from Daily\u2019s Place in Jacksonville, Fla. (I love how Tony Kahn saw an episode of South Park in 2009 and said, \u201cI will immortalize this silliness with a cartoon-inspired edifice that will serve as an everlasting monument to the W.T.F.\u201d) Jacksonville is a beautiful place, by the way. It\u2019s full of gorgeous bridges, and if you vacation there, I recommend seeing them lit up at night. I also recommend checking out Hamburger Mary\u2019s. One of my closest friends works on their housecast, and the shows are an absolute hoot!<\/p>\n<p>-Dark Elevation opened with a recap video featuring screengrabs from AEW\u2019s Revolution. (BTW, I plan to write a retrospective on Revolution later this week, so keep an eye out for that!) The director cut straight from the recap video to a close-up of Archer\u2019s entrance video. Lance Archer made his way through the main tunnel as bright, brilliant red colors bled from the stage lights.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(1) LANCE ARCHER vs. CAMERON STEWART<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Wait! That\u2019s not Archer coming out of the tunnel; that\u2019s the referee! Why is the referee getting his full entrance on national TV? Oh, Wait. No. He is running away from Archer, who is stalking him like a hawk intent on murder. (At least Archer\u2019s not beating up his opponent before the match this time.) Archer paused atop the stage as the referee escaped to the ring. (Is this how he gets referees to start his matches in the middle of aggravated assault?) Archer looked out at the crowd and shook a knowing finger. He then disappeared back down the tunnel only to reemerge with his opponent in hand. (This does not feel like a safe work environment.)<\/p>\n<p>Archer tossed Cameron Stewart down a flight of steps, hit him with a clothesline, and knocked him into the ring so hard he could not stand upright; Stewart bumbled to the other side of the ring. Archer then clotheslined Stewart over the downstage top rope, and he crashed to the floor. At this point, the referee rang the bell. (What is wrong with you? He wasn\u2019t even in the ring!)<\/p><div id=\"pwtor-1064628818\" class=\"pwtor-content pwtor-entity-placement\"><div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280 __336x280\" id=\"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>\u201cPoor Cameron Stewart. I don\u2019t even think he\u2019s had a chance to breathe yet,\u201d Mark Henry said. \u201cIn fact, I don\u2019t think he\u2019s had time to feel the first bit of pain.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>With a complicit referee, Archer continued his assault on the outside of the ring. He grabbed the babyfaced (literally) Stewart and slammed his babyface into the ring apron. He then dragged Stewart onto the apron by his left arm, leaned Stewart against the top rope, and smacked him across the chest with what Wight described as a \u201cnice\u201d lariat. (Nice?) The force of this \u201cnice\u201d lariat propelled Stewart over the top rope and onto the canvas.<\/p>\n<p>Archer slowly turned to face whatever was left of Stewart and stared at his victim with bloodthirsty eyes like he was the Predator monster. Archer nailed Stewart with a short-arm clothesline, a second short-arm clothesline, and a third short-arm clothesline.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe doesn\u2019t even have both boots laced up, yet\u2026\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019re right,\u201d Paul Wight sounded like he was craning his neck. \u201cHe\u2019s only got one boot laced up.\u201d (And they still started the match.)<\/p>\n<p>Archer sat Stewart on the turnbuckle like gravity was on holiday, and Stewart is not a small man in the slightest. Archer hit Stewart with two consecutive chops and then delivered his Blackout finisher. Archer pinned Stewart by placing a single boot on his chest, and the referee counted to three.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Archer in 2:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: I guess it makes sense that the same fans who came up with the \u201cWe want violence\u201d chant applauded for that\u2026 but still.)<\/em><\/p><div id=\"pwtor-831558618\" class=\"pwtor-content-1 pwtor-entity-placement\"><!-- Tag ID: pwtorchcom_test_300x600 -->\r\n<div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280 __300x600\" id=\"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>&#8211; After the \u201cmatch,\u201d Archer hit Stewart with yet another unnecessary, uncalled for, and totally gratuitous clothesline.<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; An advert for AEW Dynamite aired, and it looked interesting. I might check it out.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(2) RUBY SOHO vs. SESSION MOTH MARTINA<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ruby Soho\u2019s music echoed throughout Daily\u2019s Place, and she entered looking as enthusiastic as the raucous crowd she was about to entertain. (I hope they do more with her soon.) Session Moth Martina was already in the ring busying herself by dancing to Soho\u2019s music.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSo catchy,\u201d Henry said. \u201cEven her opponent is dancing to it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>When Roberts announced Martina, she danced her way to the center of the ring, looking like she\u2019d stumbled out of the cast of Euphoria.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2019d dance to my opponent\u2019s music like that,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, she may just be happy,\u201d Henry said. (I don\u2019t know about that. She looks more than happy. She looks happier than Soho\u2019s version of happy.)<\/p>\n<p>Soho extended her hand to Martina, offering to start the match with a handshake. Martina danced her way over to Soho\u2019s hand and\u2026 twerked on it? The crowd booed, and Martina looked at them with a shrug, confused as to why they didn\u2019t like her shoving her butt into Soho\u2019s handshake. Soho looked the opposite of \u201cmore than happy\u201d and scrunched up her face into a frown you\u2019d expect to see if someone fell down a rabbit that was actually a porta-potty.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe likes to dance!\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis might not be the place for it\u2026\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>Both wrestlers began with a collar and elbow tie-up, but Soho quickly established an advantage by trapping Martina in a wristlock. Martina tried to fight her way out of Soho\u2019s wristlock but, in the process, managed to fight her way into Soho\u2019s hammerlock. Martina nailed Soho with a back elbow, and Soho let up just enough for Martina to wrestle her way around Soho, applying a waistlock. Soho fought to tear apart Martina\u2019s hands and executed a standing switch. Martina struggled and kicked, but she could not escape Soho\u2019s waistlock. She then gave up and began twerking on Soho\u2019s groin. Soho immediately let go and side-eyed the crowd, looking for whoever was in charge of HR.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s still dancing,\u201d Henry said. \u201cShe\u2019s raving.\u201d (Oh, Henry, I didn\u2019t know you were a party animal. HMU next time.)<\/p>\n<p>Martina continued to dance in the ring. Soho began trying to talk some sense into her opponent, but there isn\u2019t enough pennies in the world to make sense of this $h!#. Martina began shimming like a showgirl with her head thrown back as if she\u2019d just tried poppers for the first time, and Soho was as over it as a rainbow. Soho nailed Martina\u2019s shimmying chest with a knife-edge chop. Martina stumbled backward, and Soho hit her with a spinning heel kick followed by a thrust kick. Martina seemed shocked to discover she was in a wrestling match and not a nightclub. (She should probably pee in a cup before she leaves.)<\/p>\n<p>Soho ran toward the ropes, but Martina grabbed her waistband, and both women fell to their knees. Soho got the worst of the fall and landed chest first across the bottom rope. Martina screamed to the sky like a woman possessed and ran at Soho, kicking her across the back. (She looks\u2026 interesting? I\u2019m not sure how to describe it, and for that, I apologize to my readers. I\u2019ll try and figure it out.) Angry and frothing, Martina cornered a hunching Soho in the downstage right corner and nailed her with three hard forearms. (Whatever she looks like, she does not look sane.) Martina backed up, screamed a second time, and ran toward Soho. Soho put up her foot, but Martina caught Soho\u2019s foot and clobbered her with a loudly vocalized forearm. (She looks like Baby Spice with rabies.)<\/p>\n<p>Martina ran into the upstage ropes, screamed some more, and hit Soho with a running forearm. She then celebrated with a cacophony of howling and arm pumps. Martina grabbed Soho\u2019s orange hair, yanked her forward, and executed a Perfect-plex into a pinning predicament. That move was good for a two-count. (She looks like a cautionary character in an after-school special.)<\/p>\n<p>Martina pulled Soho into a seated position and clamped on a modified inverted cobra-clutch headlock; she paired that headlock with multiple forearms to the back of Soho\u2019s head. (This looked painful. It\u2019s crazy how someone who looks like a Barbie at the bottom of a daycare bin is actually good in the ring.) Soho tried to work her way up to her feet, but Martina used her unique headlock to rip Soho back down to the ground.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe party girl looks like she\u2019s having a good time right now,\u201d Henry said. \u201cThe party is in full swing if you will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Soho battled her way upright a second time, wrenched free of Martina\u2019s headlock, grabbed Martina around the waist, and executed a backdrop driver.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd that\u2019s how it\u2019s done!\u201d Henry said. \u201cThat\u2019s how you come out of that.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNice suplex by Soho there,\u201d Wight agreed. \u201cShe really dug deep, popped her hips, and sent Session for a ride.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Soho climbed onto the apron, looking for what I think was going to be a shotgun senton, but Martina jumped back up, grabbed Soho\u2019s head, and rammed it into the outside turnbuckle. Punch-drunk but not punched-out, Soho jumped over the top rope, trapped Martina\u2019s head between her legs, and used her knees to send Martina face-first into the middle turnbuckle. Martina seemed almost unphased by this; she pulled herself upright, shouted like a banshee, and ran toward Soho with a vengeance. (She looks like the Pink Power Ranger if she were also the Hulk.)<\/p>\n<p>Martina went for a clothesline, but Soho ducked. Martina attempted a kick, but Soho caught her leg and landed a kick of her own. Martina shoved Soho into the ropes, but Soho held onto the top rope, stopping her inertia. Martina charged Soho, but Soho lurched backward and plowed her back shoulder blades into Martina\u2019s chest. Martina tried to regain the upper hand with a backslide pinning predicament, but Soho escaped before the referee could count to one. Both women got up, but Soho held onto Martina\u2019s wrist, wrenched Martina\u2019s arm, and executed a No Future. Martina fell backward. Soho hooked Martina\u2019s leg, and the referee counted to three. (She looks like an end-stage Courtney Love.)<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Soho in 3:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This match was filled to the brim with humor and action. It won\u2019t be for everyone, but if you\u2019re like me, you\u2019ll enjoy this match for Martina\u2019s over-the-top character work and Soho\u2019s priceless reactions to her antics. Also, I finally figured out what Martina looks like \u2014 she looks like a star.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Soho climbed the turnbuckles and played air guitar to the delight of the fans. She also stuck out her tongue. She stuck out her tongue a lot.<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; An advert for Rampage aired, and I am shocked to learn that AEW has a second night of programming. I might check that out as well.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(3) RAY JAZ vs. DANIEL GARCIA (w\/2Point0)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>With Ray Jaz already waiting in the ring, Daniel Garcia came out wearing blue trunks, which he accessorized with blue knee pads, a black towel, and both members of 2Point0. In the ring, Garcia talked strategy with 2Point0 while Ray Jaz John Silvered behind him.<\/p>\n<p>As soon as the bell rang, Garcia found himself trapped in a waistlock but quickly elbowed his way out of it and executed a blink-and-you\u2019ll-miss-it pump handle slam. Garcia jumped on top of a wounded Jaz and began hammering mercilessly at his head while Jaz tried in vain to protect himself with his forearms. When Garcia let up, Jaz attempted to pull himself upright using the stage left ring ropes while Matt Martel heckled him. Garcia backed up and ran forward, knocking Jaz through the ropes with a running strike. However, Jaz managed to land on the apron.<\/p>\n<p>Both members of 2Point0 began screaming at Jaz. I could not tell what they were saying, but I know I did not like it. Garcia approached Jaz, but Jaz speared him through the ring ropes with a truncated shoulder block. This took Garcia to one knee, and he doubled over. Jaz jumped over the top rope, flipped over Garcia\u2019s back, grabbed Garcia\u2019s arms, and attempted to pull him into a backslide cover. This got a surprise two-count.<\/p>\n<p>Jaz hit Garcia with a forearm; Garcia grabbed Jaz\u2019s neck; Jaz doled out a second forearm, and Garcia executed a belly-to-back suplex out of nowhere. Garcia seized both of Jaz\u2019s legs, crossed them over his thigh, stepped around Garcia\u2019s torso, and applied a scorpion deathlock. Jaz frantically tapped out.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Garcia at 63 seconds<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This match was short, but it got across its point perfectly \u2014 Garcia is vicious and looks good in blue.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Garcia refused to release his submission hold and had to be coaxed into freeing his opponent by 2Point0. Garcia then John Silvered, and I was the opposite of annoyed by it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ll be right back with Scorpio Sky facing AEW\u2019s own, Shawn Dean!\u201d Henry said, throwing to absolutely nothing.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(4) SHAWN DEAN vs. SCORPIO SKY (w\/Dan Lambert)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Immediately following zero commercial breaks, Shawn Dean\u2019s music hit. The second athlete to come out was Scorpio Sky, who was accompanied by an extra from the Walking Dead. (You know\u2026 my first house was located on a street called Lambert Drive, which means it\u2019s not libelous for me to say I took a dump on Lambert.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love how Lambert dubbed his team \u2018Men of the Year,\u2019\u201d Wight said. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t we think of that?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe don\u2019t think,\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>Ethan Page joined the commentary team, and I know I should not be looking forward to his commentary, but he was so funny last time! I cannot hate on this. The camera cut back to Lambert. I can hate on that.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ve got to give Dan Lambert credit. He\u2019s wearing a decent shirt. He doesn\u2019t look like a lost dad,\u201d Wight said incorrectly.<\/p>\n<p>Dean and Sky started with a collar and elbow tie-up, which Sky quickly got the best of. Sky bulldozed Dean into the downstage right corner, and the referee called for both men to \u201cbreak it up.\u201d Sky complied, but he looked very, very cocky doing it. (He looked so heelish; he was giving Hirsch a run for her money.) Both men jumped into a second collar and elbow tie-up while Lambert angrily beat the apron like a 1960s U.N. podium.<\/p>\n<p>Sky shifted the tie-up so he could trap Dean in a side headlock. Dean drove Sky into the ropes; Sky bounced off the ropes, jumped over Dean, bounced off the opposite ropes, and floored Dean with a shoulder tackle. Sky then brushed off his shoulder and offered up half of a villainous smile. Sky ran into the upstage ropes, preparing to run said ropes, when Dean dropped to the canvas so Sky would jump over him. Sky spotted Dean doing this, stopped his momentum, and stomped on Dean\u2019s back. Sky then used his feet to scrap imaginary dirt onto Dean.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI absolutely love it!\u201d Page said.<\/p>\n<p>While Sky showboated for the hard camera, Dean popped up behind him like a monster in a horror movie. Sky turned around, and Dean instantly threw him to the mat with an arm-drag. Sky ran at Dean a second time and was caught with a forward-facing arm-drag. Dean and Sky both jumped back to their feet, but Dean was ready for Sky\u2019s advance and caught the slightly shorter man with a mile-high dropkick. Sky crawled his way into the downstage right corner to regroup.<\/p>\n<p>Dan Lambert, who is one-hundred percent ***hole and twenty-percent blobfish, skulked around the ring post, shouting motivation into Sky\u2019s ear. (I\u2019m assuming that was motivation. It\u2019s hard to tell. He looked and sounded a bit like the crazy guy who kept trying to hand me a bag of poop on a subway in New York in 2009.) Dean ripped Sky out of the corner like a human band-aid and repeatedly nailed him with forearms followed by an uppercut. That particular uppercut was delivered with such strength that Sky flew off his feet and splattered to the canvas.<\/p>\n<p>Dean patiently waited for Sky to right himself, and when he did, Dean took command of his person and launched him in the air with a belly-to-back suplex. Sky sat up, but he looked like he was in so much pain he didn\u2019t even know where he was. Dean ran into the stage right ring ropes and nailed Sky with a sliding lariat. Dean then moved to run the ropes, but Sky bailed to ringside to regroup.<\/p>\n<p>Sky walked toward Lambert, and Dean rolled out of the ring, ran around the corner, and tossed a discombobulated Sky back in. However, Lambert distracted Dean by shouting at him. (He probably mistook him for a cloud.) This distraction allowed Sky to jump on Dean the moment he rolled back into the ring. Sky hit Dean with a series of double axe-handles before mounting Dean and pounding away at his face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDean shouldn\u2019t have gotten distracted,\u201d Page explained.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDistracted?!\u201d Wight said. \u201cLambert\u2019s half the size of the ring! He couldn\u2019t get around him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cFirst you compliment him, then you insult him.\u201d Page scoffed in regard to Lambert\u2019s treatment by the commentators.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI just call it like I see it,\u201d Wight said, \u201cand Dan Lambert is a waste of cotton.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow about you call the match like you see it and look whose standing tall right now \u2014 Scorpio Sky!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sky hit a destructive-looking pendulum backbreaker on Dean, and Dean rolled on the mat in pain. Sky began applauding, and then the camera cut to Page, who was also applauding. Dan Lambert, a man whose skin looked it had been underwater for thirty years, applauded, too.<\/p>\n<p>Sky hit Dean with a second pendulum backbreaker.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou see those suction cup marks on Dean\u2019s back,\u201d Wight pointed out. \u201cIt\u2019s like he\u2019s saying, \u2018Please hit me here.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Sky slapped Dean\u2019s face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDid you see that? Did you see how he tapped him in the face?\u201d Page asked as he slapped at the air like his wrist was broken.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat wasn\u2019t quite a \u2018tap,\u2019\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>Sky executed a third pendulum backbreaker on Dean, but this time, he held Dean across his knee so as to apply a backbreaker submission. The crowd applauded to help Dean recover (because that\u2019s how medicine works), and Dean rallied, pummeling Sky\u2019s face with his fists. Sky fell backward, and the camera cut to a close-up of Dan Lambert\u2019s face. (Someone needs to be fired.) Dean then captured a reeling Sky with an inside cradle to get a two-count. Both men jumped back to their feet, but Dean maintained his dominance by clobbering Sky with two hard clotheslines. That was followed by a spear, which was subsequently followed by a release German Suplex. (Fantastic action!) Dean did a matrix pop-up to get back to his feet, and the crowd fluttered with excitement. Dean climbed to the top turnbuckle.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo!\u201d Page panicked. \u201cNo, no, no, no!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Dean lept off to perform a frog splash, but Sky got both his knees up, and Dean was downright shattered.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe was playing possum!\u201d Page cackled like a drunken hyena.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThree-hundred and sixty-five days!\u201d Lambert shouted, looking like the kind of man who would ask for \u201cthe burger menu\u201d at a fine dining restaurant.<\/p>\n<p>Sky then hit Dean with a big running boot, followed by his TKO finisher. Sadly, much to the chagrin of my fallen crest, Sky hooked Dean\u2019s leg, covered Dean\u2019s torso, and the referee counted to three. Page celebrated insufferably.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Sky in 6:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was my favorite match thus far. The antics of Sky and Page keep getting better and better, and Lambert\u2019s skills as a heel are phenomenal. Despite my mild-mannered jokes, I love seeing him because I love hating him \u2014 even if he looks like a Dorian Gray painting.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe would like to say we appreciate you coming by,\u201d Henry said to Page.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou can,\u201d Page beamed expectantly.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe said we\u2019d like to say it,\u201d Wight responded. \u201cThat didn\u2019t mean we were going to say it.\u201d (Someone take Page to the burn unit!)<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, I fast-forwarded in case Dan Lambert came on screen.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(5) KRIS STATLANDER vs. EMI SAKURA<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It was great seeing Statlander in a boop-free match on Sunday. Sometimes it\u2019s good to take things seriously (says the man of a million asides).<\/p>\n<p>(WARNING: I\u2019m mildly biased in Sakura\u2019s favor.)<\/p>\n<p>Glorious Emperess Emi Sakura came out first. Her royal robes flowed behind her like a cloud of red and white. On her head was a crown, Jerry Lawler would have coveted, and it was worn so regally as to put Willam Regal to shame. Even the ring ropes envied Sakura\u2019s prowess as they tried to clutch at her cape. (She got stuck.) Upon arriving in the ring, Sakura swished her dazzling robe in the air and rotated a generous three-hundred and sixty degrees for the hard camera. Sakura then ran a finger under her jawline and smirked with a facial expression only someone as wonderous as her could provide. Kris Statlander came out second.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura was anxious to entertain the fans, and so she attacked Statlander before the bell. Sakura cornered Statlander in the upstage left corner and stomped away at her chest. With Statlander down, the referee rang the bell. (Despite months of complaining about matches being started during beatdowns, I deem this to be fair because Sakura.)<\/p>\n<p>Sakura grabbed Statlander by the head and ran her into the stage left ring ropes. Statlander bounced backward, and Sakura screamed magnificently as she darted toward a fallen Statlander to execute a running dropkick. Sakura then pulled Statlander up by her hair and took her back down again with a hair Biel throw.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura helped Statlander into the corner, shrieking gently as she did so. With Statlander trapped in the corner, Sakura began revving up the crowd for her signature \u201cWe Will Rock You\u201d chops. The crowd clapped and stomped along as Sakura stomped and chopped Statlander\u2019s chest. Sakura then threw out her arms and posed for the crowd to show her gracious appreciation of their approval.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura ran toward Statlander and nailed her in the corner with a running crossbody, but for some reason, Statlander caught Sakura mid-air and shamefully bodyslammed her. Sakura gave us a masterclass in facial expressions as she emoted the pain Statlander\u2019s bodyslam had caused. Statlander pulled Sakura upright and cruelly ran her head into downstage left top turnbuckle three times. (I\u2019m pretty sure that\u2019s a felony.)<\/p>\n<p>Statlander then chopped Sakura\u2019s chest not once, not twice, but three times for no other reason except they were wrestling in a match. Statlander then whipped Sakura toward the turnbuckles, ran at her, and hit her with an upper-cut. Statlander followed up that offensive offense by striking Sakura with a running knee so hard that it knocked her through the ropes and onto the apron. (Definitely felonious.)<\/p>\n<p>Sakura heroically pulled herself back up to her feet, and Statlander flagitiously sprinted toward her, attempting to spear her through the ropes. Sakura, however, wisely moved, and Statlander quickly found herself on the other side of the ropes while Sakura stood righteously in the ring. Sakura ran the ropes to build up momentum and hit Statlander with a crossbody that knocked her off the apron. Both women went to the outside.<\/p>\n<p>Ever joyful, Sakura laughed melodiously for the ringside cameraman and even flipped her hair back so he could get a better shot. Sakura then noticed Statlander seemed a bit out of it, and she attempted to revive her opponent by slamming Statlander into the ring post. That did not seem to help as much as either of us thought it would, so Sakura tried cheering Statlander up by laughing because laughter is contagious.<\/p>\n<p>However, Statlander is humorless (and unconscious) and does not return Sakura\u2019s laughter. Sakura helped Statlander get back into the ring using a courteous amount of force. Sakura then decided to personalize a fan\u2019s live experience by getting right up their face for a free meet and greet.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJaw-jacking with the fans. Not a smart move,\u201d Wight said as his eyes smoldered with envy.<\/p>\n<p>Back in the ring, Sakura captured Statlander again, pointed at the fan whose day she\u2019d just made, and screamed something really, really loud, but I couldn\u2019t hear her. She then performed a Queen\u2019s Gambit on Statlander. With Statlander down, Sakura flipped her hair and gleefully posed so that the ringside fan could take a picture and commemorate a great moment in wrestling history. The fan declined.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura covered Statlander, but Statlander had the audacity to kick out. In a show of sportsmanship, Sakura helped Statlander back to her feet by the roots of her hair. Statlander then began elbowing and punching at Sakura\u2019s midsection, and the referee did nothing to stop this. Sakura chopped Statlander\u2019s chest and attempted a clothesline; however, Statlander ducked and punched Sakura in the stomach. Sakura attempted another clothesline, but Statlander ducked once more, caught Sakura from behind, swept her leg, and executed an STO backbreaker.<\/p>\n<p>As Sakura got back to her feet, Statlander ran at her with a clothesline and knocked her to the floor. Sakura got up a second time and received a back elbow that knocked her to the floor yet again. Sakura then dashed toward Statlander with an attempted clothesline. However, Statlander ducked, allowed Sakura to crash into the ropes, caught Sakura\u2019s rebounding body, and executed a powerslam. (#JusticeForSakura)<\/p>\n<p>Statlander pinned Sakura, but somehow, someway, with the unfettered determination of a politician who has your email, Sakura kicked out. Statlander went for her Big Bang Theory finisher, but Sakura lithely countered with a twisting flatliner. Sakura covered Statlander, but the referee counted too slowly, and Statlander was able to kick out at two. Sakura had a calm, rational conversation with the referee about the speed of his counting, but he definitely defended his cadence.<\/p>\n<p>With Statlander lying in the prone position, Sakura grabbed her leg and drove her knee into the mat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook at her going after that injured knee!\u201d Wight said. \u201cStatlander wears a knee brace because she\u2019s had major knee surgery.\u201d (Okay, but keep that same energy when it happens to Sakura.)<\/p>\n<p>Statlander put Sakura in a side headlock, and Sakura attempted to counter with a belly-to-back suplex. However, Statlander landed on her feet (Lander is in her name, I guess.) and arrested Sakura\u2019s waist in a waistlock. Sakura fairly executed a standing switch; Statlander unfairly executed a standing switch; Sakura fairly executed a standing switch again and, this time, managed to muster enough strength to clock Statlander with a back elbow.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura ran into the ropes, rebounded toward Statlander, and sprinted headfirst into a roundhouse kick out of nowhere. (This feels wrong.) Statlander executed her Big Bang Theory finisher. (Very wrong.) Statlander covered Sakura, and the referee hurriedly counted to three. (Total screw job.)<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Statlander in 5:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: All jokes aside \u2014 and they were both copious and vainglorious \u2014 this was my favorite match thus far! Both women were given time to entertain us, and they made the most of it. The main event may top this match, but if it doesn\u2019t, this will likely be my match of the night. This is one of the best one-on-one women\u2019s matches I can recall seeing on Dark Elevation in the past few months. Sakura is still capable of doing much more (as seen on YouTube), and I have no doubt Statlander would have been glad to do more if given more time.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(6) WHEELER YUTA vs. AARON SOLO<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Aaron Solo came out first, sans Q.T. Marshall, and the fans booed. Solo responded by sauntering down the rampway and pointing accusatorily at the fans. (That is not how you win people over. You win people over by being Sakura.) Next up, Wheeler Yuta came out to a boisterous crowd response. Yuta entered the ring via a modified shotgun senton and turned to the crowd to acknowledge their support.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWheeler Yuta \u2014\u201d Wight began.<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2014 has a lot of energy and a lot of talent,\u201d Henry finished.<\/p>\n<p>Both men began the match by slowly circling one another before attempting a collar and elbow tie-up. The tie-up immediately shifted in Solo\u2019s favor when he grabbed Yuta\u2019s wrist and applied a wristlock. Yuta tried to flip his way out of the aforementioned wristlock and almost succeeded, but Solo caught Yuta by the back of his head, snapping him to the mat. Despite Yuta taking a hard fall, Solo managed to maintain control of Yuta\u2019s wrist.<\/p>\n<p>With Solo still holding his wrist, Yuta popped up to his feet via a matrix kick-up, scooped up Solo, and bodyslammed him to the mat. Solo then knocked Yuta backward with a push-up kick and tried to take charge of Yuta\u2019s person, but Yuta leaped over him, grabbed him from behind, pushing him into the ring ropes. Solo rebounded off the ropes, and Yuta rolled under his feet, tripping him. Solo scurried back to his vertical base, and Yuta rapidly pulled that base out from under Solo with a huge dropkick. Yuta covered Solo and hooked his leg, but Solo kicked out at one. (It was almost a half-count!)<\/p>\n<p>Solo used the upstage left turnbuckles to pull himself upright and hung in the scarecrow position. Yuta hit Solo with a knife-edge chop, grabbed his hair, pulled him along the upstage ring rope, and slammed him into the upstage left turnbuckle. Yuta then went for an Irish whip, but Solo reversed it. Yuta smacked into the turnbuckles, and Solo whizzed across the ring toward Yuta. However, Yuta leaped out of the way, allowing Solo to crash and burn. Yuta jumped onto the apron and then onto the top rope. He appeared to be looking for some kind of springboard, but Solo countered Yuta\u2019s offense by shaking the top rope. Because of that, Yuta tumbled to the mat.<\/p>\n<p>Solo mounted Yuta\u2019s devastated body and punched away at his head. Solo then stood over Yuta, threw out his arms, and gloated for the booing crowd. Solo pulled Yuta into a side headlock and then executed a snap suplex. Solo cupped his ear for the crowd, who had no problem making their true feelings known. Solo shrugged off the audience\u2019s antagonism and pinned Yuta, but Yuta kicked out at one.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou\u2019ve never done a little showing off?\u201d Henry asked Wight after Wight had vociferously called out Solo\u2019s showboating.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI might have done that once or twice&#8230;\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, come on now,\u201d Henry scoffed. \u201cIt\u2019s like the pot calling the kettle black.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019ll call the pot black, the frying pan black, the stove black,\u201d Wight said. \u201c\u2014 the stove pipe is black.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Solo whipped Yuta into the upstage left turnbuckles, ran at him, and nailed him with a clothesline. Solo yanked Yuta back down to the mat, pinned him, and got a two-count. Solo pulled Yuta upright again and knocked him back down with a back elbow. Solo covered Yuta once more, but once more, he only got a two-count. Frustrated, Solo trapped Yuta in a rear chin lock and pressed his knee into Yuta\u2019s spine. The crowd began to clap for Yuta, hoping to rally him to his feet. Yuta used the crowd\u2019s energy to pull himself up, turn around, and deliver a jawbreaker to Solo.<\/p>\n<p>Yuta went on a fast burst of offense; he nailed Solo with a back elbow, allowed Solo to run into his boot, shoved Solo to the ground, climbed onto the top turnbuckle, and jumped off with a huge flying crossbody. (That was Dante Martin levels of good.) The fast flurry of offense continued as Yuta nailed Solo with an atomic drop, a step-up enzuigiri, and another back elbow. Yuta ran up to the top turnbuckles again and jumped off a second time, clocking Solo with a flying elbow.<\/p>\n<p>Solo rolled out of the ring to regroup, but Yuta was undeterred; he ran into the upstage ring-ropes and dove through the downstage ring topes onto Solo. (I personally feel like Yuta should have gone for a cover at some point \u2014 he had at least three opportunities.) Yuta tossed Solo back into the ring straight away, ascended the turnbuckles a third time, and attempted yet another elbow drop. However, Yuta\u2019s luck ran out; Solo dodged Yuta and nailed him with a superkick. Yuta ran at Solo with a clothesline, but Solo caught Yuta by his torso and executed an inside-out suplex.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe turned him inside out!\u201d Wight exclaimed.<\/p>\n<p>Solo went for a cover, but Yuta kicked out at two.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBig kick-out!\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>Both men made their way back to their feet. Yuta leaned on the downstage left turnbuckles and assumed the scarecrow position; Solo ran at him and attempted a back body splash. However, Yuta caught Solo in mid-air and executed a release German suplex.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOooo. Right on his shoulder!\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat\u2019ll knock you right out, Paul,\u201d Henry added.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow about the power of Wheeler to catch Solo in mid-air?\u201d Wight exclaimed.<\/p>\n<p>Q.T. Marshall, who is not a cutie despite his name being Q.T., strolled out of the tunnel, moving as much with his shoulders as with his waist.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAaand, here\u2019s a guy nobody likes,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHere. We. Go.\u201d Henry bemoaned. \u201cThe only reason for him to come out here is to distract people.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe distracts everybody!\u201d Wight said. \u201cIt\u2019s like he wants to get the people at ringside sick.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yuta confronted Marshall by the ropes, and Marshall smirked and said, \u201cI have my managerial license.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOoo, he has a license to be around ringside!\u201d Henry sounded like a baritone mean girl here, and I loved it.<\/p>\n<p>Marshall strutted around ringside with his arms thrown out wide so everyone could see his shirt was inspired by a blue Uno card. Meanwhile, Yuta and Solo traded forearms and then kicks. Solo then attempted a double underhook suplex, but Yuta fought his way free. Yuta hit Solo with another forearm, and Solo hit Yuta with a windmill kick. Solo stormed toward Yuta; Yuta caught Solo\u2019s midsection, hoisted him onto his shoulders, and executed an Olympic Slam that took everyone by surprise!<\/p>\n<p>Yuta went up to the top turnbuckle, and Marshall began creeping toward him while the referee\u2019s back was turned. In a stroke of genius, Yuta \u201cfell\u201d onto the metal bar of the top turnbuckle and made it appear as if Marshall had been responsible for his \u201cmisfortune.\u201d Yuta clutched his groin as if he\u2019d suffered a low blow. The referee turned back around, and Yuta immediately pointed at Marshall so as to imply Marshall had been the one to low-blow him. The referee asked the crowd if Marshall had interfered, and as it turns out, everyone in Daily\u2019s Place was a liar.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat is great!\u201d Wight shouted. \u201cThis is great!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The referee then ejected Marshall from the ringside area before he could do any actual damage.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat is karma, Q.T. Marshall,\u201d Wight said. \u201cThat is karma!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Marshall pitched an absolute fit as he was forced to go backstage.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe didn\u2019t do anything,\u201d Wight said, \u201cbut he sure looked guilty to me.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The moment Marshall was gone, Yuta jumped off of the turnbuckles, caught Solo with an arm-drag, and executed his Seat Belt finisher. Yuta then pinned Solo to the mat, and the referee counted to three.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Yuta in 8:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: That was also a fun match, and I especially enjoyed the ending. I almost felt bad for Q.T. Marshall, but almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. This was my second favorite match of the night. I still liked Emi Sakura vs. Kris Statlander a little bit better, but both matches were enjoyable thanks to their humor.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FINAL THOUGHTS:<\/strong> I liked that this show was only thirty-six minutes. The shorter runtime kept everything fresh and exciting, and at no point did I feel tired or like there was superfluous content. Having only Mark Henry and Paul Wight on commentary was interesting. Because of this, the commentary had a lot of color \u2014 and I mean the whole Crayola box with a built-in sharpener \u2014 but I didn\u2019t mind that because it was well executed. This is the perfect show to try out something like that, and Wight still did a good job keeping the audience abreast of what was happening in the ring. IMO, and as always, it is only my opinion, the best match of the night was Statlander vs. Sakura. Yuta vs. Solo was a close second. I know there\u2019s been a lot of wrestling the past few days \u2014 what with Impact airing Sacrifice, AEW airing Revolution, and WWE airing MSG in brief, succinct, and unsatisfying clips. However, if you have room on your plate for one more match, I recommend checking out Kris Statlander vs. Emi Sakura.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I\u2019m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, when wrestling fans discuss the forbidden door, it is not appropriate to offer them a condom.<\/p>\n<div class=\"pwtor-end-article-groups pwtor-entity-placement\" id=\"pwtor-1428401701\"><div id=\"pwtor-2233403294\"><div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280\" id=\"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\nTHANK YOU FOR VISITING<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div class=\"mh-excerpt\"><p>AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT MARCH 7, 2022 TAPED 3\/2 IN JACKSONVILLE, FLA. AIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM REPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR Commentators: Mark Henry and Paul Wight Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts &#8211; What a great <a class=\"mh-excerpt-more\" href=\"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/03\/10\/3-7-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-famous-asides-all-of-the-wight-henry-quips-plus-statlander-vs-sakura-plus-wheeler-archer-soho-garcia-sky\/\" title=\"3\/7 AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT: Bryant&#8217;s famous &#8220;asides,&#8221; all of the Wight &#038; Henry quips, plus Statlander vs. Sakura, plus Wheeler, Archer, Soho, Garcia, Sky\">[&#8230;]<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":117696,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6423,6438,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-134966","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aew-dark","category-aew-tv-reports","category-tvshowsandevents"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-content\/uploads\/post\/2021\/04\/AEW-Dark-Elevation-TV-Logo_3x2.png","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134966","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=134966"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134966\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":134967,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134966\/revisions\/134967"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/117696"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=134966"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=134966"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=134966"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}