{"id":136406,"date":"2022-03-29T21:54:31","date_gmt":"2022-03-30T02:54:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/?p=136406"},"modified":"2022-03-29T22:22:10","modified_gmt":"2022-03-30T03:22:10","slug":"3-28-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-report-with-signature-asides-highlights-of-wight-and-henry-on-commentary-analysis-of-max-caster-vs-sonny-kiss-roppongi-vice-vs-the-factory-more","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/03\/29\/3-28-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-report-with-signature-asides-highlights-of-wight-and-henry-on-commentary-analysis-of-max-caster-vs-sonny-kiss-roppongi-vice-vs-the-factory-more\/","title":{"rendered":"3\/28 AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT: Bryant&#8217;s report with signature asides, highlights of Wight and Henry on commentary, analysis of Max Caster vs. Sonny Kiss, Roppongi Vice vs. The Factory, more"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"pwtor-387267116\" class=\"pwtor-before-content pwtor-entity-placement\"><hr \/><b>SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)... <\/b>\r\n\r\n<iframe src=\"https:\/\/widget.spreaker.com\/player?show_id=3076978&theme=light&playlist=false&playlist-continuous=false&autoplay=false&live-autoplay=false&chapters-image=true&episode_image_position=right&hide-logo=false&hide-likes=false&hide-comments=false&hide-sharing=false&hide-download=true\" width=\"100%\" height=\"140px\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe>\r\n<hr \/><\/div><h3><strong>AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT<br \/>\nMARCH 28, 2022<br \/>\nTAPED 3\/23 IN AUSTIN, TEXAS<br \/>\nAIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM<br \/>\nREPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR\u00a0<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p><em>AEW Commentators: Excalibur, Paul Wight, and Mark Henry\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; Thank you for visiting PWTorch.com, and thank you for taking the time to read these reports \u2014 they come from the heart but contain 50 percent less angina. If you would like to follow me on Twitter, you may do so at @IamDavidBryant (I promise my timeline features a normal amount of Vickie Guerrero fan art.)<\/p>\n<p>-Tonight\u2019s AEW Dark Elevation taping emanated from the H-E-B Center at Cedar Park just outside of Austin, Texas \u2014 a city that was founded in 1839 yet was somehow named for Steve Austin.<\/p>\n<p>&#8211;<a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/AEW\">Dark Elevation<\/a> opened with Excalibur informing us that Paul Wight and Mark Henry have returned to the announce booth. (Praise Jesus!) Excalibur also informed us the next match will feature Lee Moriarty (Sweet!) and Serpentico. (Oh, boy.)<\/p>\n<p><strong>(1) LEE MORIARTY (w\/Matt Sydal) vs. SERPENTICO (w\/Luther)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Serpentico came out wearing a cool sequenced cape (like the superhero he is) and was accompanied to the ring by Luther.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDone some more research on our friend, Luther,\u201d Wight said. \u201cCome to find out, he\u2019s done some extensive work at the Jacques Cousteau Research Foundation in dolphin communication!\u201d (I missed you so much.)<\/p><div id=\"pwtor-235180904\" class=\"pwtor-content pwtor-entity-placement\"><div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280 __336x280\" id=\"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>Serpentico entered the ring and shot his Spiderman streamers while Luther, the lifelong rival of legendary environmentalist Jane Goodall, tried to eat them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLuther has an honorary Ph.D. from Woods Hole University,\u201d Wight continued. \u201cWhich is the most prestigious marine biology university in the world!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(I am shook. If it weren\u2019t for the genius of Paul Wight, I would literally be walking around this earth with incorrect information. All this time, I\u2019d thought it was the \u201cCousteau Society\u201d and the \u201cWoods Hole Oceanographic Institution\u201d (Institutes differ from Universities.), and all this time, I have been terribly, terribly wrong. Thank you, Mr. Wight! Thank you.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI would have to call bull\u2014\u201d Mark Henry got interrupted before he could ask if bulls were a part of Luther\u2019s research.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAre you saying that\u2019s why he screeches so much?\u201d Excalibur asked. \u201cHe\u2019s communicating with dolphins?\u201d (And whales! Last week, in this very report, I clarified that whale was one of the 16 languages spoken by Dr. Luther! Remember, you heard it here first.)<\/p>\n<p>Lee Moriarty, who is not an expert in marine biology, came out next and was accompanied by Matt Sydal, who is an expert in washboard abs. Excalibur pointed out Sydal was using crutches to walk to the ring because of his knee injury.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHigh flying leads to high risk,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHigh risk leads to no reward \u2014 in my book,\u201d Henry added. \u201cI gotta keep my feet on the ground.\u201d<\/p><div id=\"pwtor-4247244443\" class=\"pwtor-content-1 pwtor-entity-placement\"><!-- Tag ID: pwtorchcom_test_300x600 -->\r\n<div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280 __300x600\" id=\"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>After the bell, Moriarty and Serpentico circled one another, sizing each other up. (or down in Serpentico\u2019s case.) Both men lurched into a collar and elbow tie-up, with Moriarty muscling a waifish Serpentico into the stage left ropes. The referee called for a break, and Moriarty broke up with Serpentico. Knowing he needed to capitalize on every opportunity if he hoped to win, Serpentico responded by kicking Moriarty in the heart. Moriarty doubled over, and Serpentico slung him toward the ropes via an Irish whip. However, Moriarty countered Serpentico\u2019s whip, threw Serpentico\u2019s pint-sized body into the stage right ring ropes, and Serpentico used the ropes\u2019 momentum provided by those ropes to flip over Moriarty\u2019s back. Moriarty was not amused; he swept Serpentico\u2019s toothpick-like legs and kicked him while he was down like he were a paper-thin dog. (Evil.) Moriarty went for a cover, but Serpentico courageously kicked out.<\/p>\n<p>A lower-third, digital on-screen graphic popped up advertising ROH\u2019s Supercard of Honor. Interesting\u2026<\/p>\n<p>Moriarty trapped poor Serpentico in a chickenwing over-the-shoulder crossface. Serpentico struggled to get to the ropes, and so Luther valiantly rescued him by pulling Serpentico out of the ring like he were a kitten stuck in a tree. (Why is the crowd booing that? That was the definition of platonic chivalry!) \u00a0Moriarty started screaming at Luther for having protected his friend, and Serpentico defended Luther\u2019s honor by climbing onto the apron and lightly superkicking Moriarty. Serpentico then hopped over the ring ropes, bounced into the up stage ropes, and used the resulting inertia to land a double axe-handle drop onto Moriarty\u2019s normal-sized neck.<\/p>\n<p>Serpentico then posed for the crowd, who reacted by saying, \u201cboo\u2026 (\u2026ooook him more?\u201d) Moriarty cheap-shotted Serpentico by standing directly in front of him and punching him in the face. Moriarty then boyhandled poor Serpentico by throwing him into the up stage right turnbuckles. However, Serpentico heroically shoved Moriarty off and went on the offensive. Serpentico hit Moriarty with a double-boot, a hurricanrana, and a single-leg dropkick. Serpentico then covered Moriarty, but Moriarty had the audacity to kick out at two.<\/p>\n<p>Serpentico helped Moriarty into the downstage right corner, but Moriarty tripped and drove his face into the turnbuckles. Serpentico cautiously attempted to slap Moriarty back to his senses with a punch to the chest followed by a therapeutic kick to the stomach. This worked, and Moriarty thanked Serpentico by punching him mercilessly. Serpentico tossed Moriarty into the ring ropes and caught his rebounding body with a knee to the midsection. Serpentico covered Moriarty, but, once again, Moriarty unfairly kicked out at two.<\/p>\n<p>Excalibur ran through some upcoming dates, and by \u201cran through,\u201d I mean bolted like a cheetah stole his mask.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat South Carolina show,\u201d Wight said. \u201cI tell you what. I wanna lace my boots back up for that one. South Cackalacky \u2014 I\u2019m gonna get back in the ring.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou do that\u2026\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCome on, man. Come on down with me. Lace-up your boots, too!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMy boots don\u2019t even have laces in them anymore,\u201d Henry said. \u201cThey\u2019re sitting in my closet like paperweights.\u201d (Oh, come on! You know, if you and Wight were to team together in 2022, you\u2019d be absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt, a tag team.)<\/p>\n<p>Moriarty executed a Saito suplex on Serpentico, who went flying through the air like he were a wingless angel waiting for a bell to ring. The moment Serpentico got back to his feet, Moriarty kicked him with a big boot because Moriarty has the soul of a sadist. Serpentico tried to pull himself upright in the corner, but Moriarty hit him with a running Meteora. However, Serpentico pulled himself up by his bootstraps and found his fighting spirit because Serpentico has the soul of a precious flower.<\/p>\n<p>Serpentico threw Moriarty into the ring ropes and attempted a rolling elbow strike, but Moriarty floored him with a probably illegal clothesline. Poor Serpentico held himself up using the top ring rope, and Moriarty ran at him like Serpentico\u2019s comfort meant so little as to be less important than winning this match! He clocked Serpentico with a step-up enzuigiri in front of eye-witnesses, and Serpentico flailed his way toward the center of the ring. There, Moriarty clocked him with an open-handed chop so hard it turned Serpentico\u2019s precious-flower-soul into a daisy chain. Moriarty kneed Serpentico in the head five whole times, and Mark Henry said something that got bleeped. (And I, for one, don\u2019t blame him.) Moriarty bullied poor Serpentico into another chickenwing over-the-shoulder crossface, and Serpentico tapped out because even he has hard limits.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Lee Moriarty in 4:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: Lee Moriarty is one of the most underappreciated wrestlers on AEW\u2019s roster. I look forward to seeing his match at ROH\u2019s Supercard this Friday live on pay-per-premium-event. While I enjoyed all four minutes of this match, I wish they\u2019d been given more time. Some of the best bits of Chaos Project\u2019s schtick are Luther\u2019s antics, and there wasn\u2019t really enough time for him to do much here. From a technical standpoint, however, the match was solid and well-paced.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Henry told us Abadon (OMG!) is coming up next.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(2) ABADON vs. DANNI BEE<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The sound of chimes filled the ring as Abadon\u2019s music hit. (Abadon\u2019s theme is called \u201cBrimstone\u201d and is currently available on Apple Music!) Abadon crawled out of the face\u2019s tunnel (I love that), and she looked just like my friend Heather who does award-winning makeup for haunted houses. (Hi, Heather!)\u00a0 Abadon stood up on her knees atop the ramp and stuck out her blood-soaked tongue.<strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u201cMark Henry covered his eyes as soon as Abadon came through the tunnel,\u201d Excalibur said. (Blasphemy!)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t take my eyes off her,\u201d Wight said. (because he has good taste.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs she done yet?\u201d Henry\u2019s meek voice barely registered. \u201cIs she done?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo, she\u2019s not done, Big Daddy,\u201d Wight said. (&#8230;and suddenly, I never want to hear my boyfriend call me that again.)<\/p>\n<p>Abadon posed on the ropes for the hard camera, and the fans seemed open to cheering her. (That\u2019s awesome!) Abadon\u2019s opponent, Danni Bee, side-eyed Abadon like she was wearing skinny jeans in 2022, and as soon as the bell rang, Bee ran toward Abadon with reckless abandon. (The closed captions keep calling Abadon \u201cAbandon,\u201d and it is confusing me.) Abandon \u2014 I mean, Abadon caught Bee with an arm hook, and Bee hilariously tried to beg off. (Great use of facial expressions there.) Abadon declined Bee\u2019s frantic request for mercy and threw her into the ropes like the ropes had personally offended her. Bee rebounded, and Abadon blasted Bee with a back elbow hard enough to exorcise a demon.<\/p>\n<p>Bee wisely rolled out of the ring to collect her wits, but Abadon wasn\u2019t much of a wit collector and nailed Bee with a wrecking-ball dropkick through the ropes. Abadon then performed a running cannonball off the apron. (Did y\u2019all see Dustin Rhodes\u2019s apron cannonball on Rampage? How is he alive? They\u2019d have had to scrape my lungs off that floor with the same shovel they used to bury my corpse.) Bee took the landing of Abadon\u2019s cannonball a little awkwardly, and I hope she\u2019s okay.<\/p>\n<p>Bee clutched the back of her head while Abadon played up her awesomeness to the crowd. Having given Bee a brisk respite, Abadon grabbed her opponent by the neck and tossed her back into the ring. The crowd began cheering for Abadon, and Abadon paused to look out at them. An \u201cAbadon\u201d chant started up, and even I found that to be a little surreal.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cListen to that crowd?\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, Austin, Texas must be Abadon country,\u201d Excalibur seemed almost as surprised as I was.<\/p>\n<p>Abadon crawled (or more like slinked) her way back into the ring. Bee slowly backed away like she was the final girl in a horror movie. Abadon ran toward Bee but was stopped in her tracks when Bee kicked Abadon in the stomach. Bee looked\u2026 taken aback that her offense had worked but quickly gathered her bearings and executed a jawbreaker. Abadon grabbed her own mouth and stumbled backward but did not fall down.<\/p>\n<p>Then, Abadon straightened her spine and let out a loud, operatic scream that I\u2019m sure would make Adele jelly. Bee, who I\u2019m guessing is not a music lover, ran the ring ropes and went for a clothesline. However, Abadon countered Bee\u2019s clothesline and took her down with a round-a-bout lariat. The crowd cheered with approval, and Abadon genuinely smiled. (Hm. I didn\u2019t know her facial muscles went in that direction.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWas that a smile?\u201d Wight asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI think so\u2026\u201d Excalibur answered.<\/p>\n<p>Abadon screeched melodically, ran the ropes, and executed a rope-assisted running senton onto Bee. Bee sat up, looking like she\u2019d been halfway murdered, but a worker like Abadon never does anything halfway. So\u2026 Abadon screamed like a teenage banshee at a Kid Laroi concert and executed a Black Dahlia on Bee for the win.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Abadon in 2:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: I want to take Abadon to one of Heather\u2019s haunted houses to see if they can tell each other apart.) \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Abadon slithered around the ring, staring at the camera (and probably planning to haunt the cameraman\u2019s dreams.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook how she contorts herself,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow about not looking?\u201d Henry replied.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(3) PENTA OSCURO (w\/Alex Abrahantes) vs. JPH<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>There was a brief blackout, and when the lights came up, a tombstone was on stage. Penta Oscuro\u2019s music hit, and Pento rose up from behind the tombstone. Penta then shouted \u201cWoo!\u201d (But not in a Ric Flair way.), and the vibe of his music picked up pace as Alex Abrahantes walked out to join him on stage. Penta walked down the rampway with a shovel thrown over his shoulder like a rifled musket. (Sorry, I went to the Revolutionary War museum up in Pennsylvania recently, and it has thrown off my analogies. Good museum, by the way. If you\u2019re ever in Philadelphia, I recommend it.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cPenta Oscuro is the dark side of Penta\u2019s personality that was brought out by the black mist of Malakai Black,\u201d Excalibur explained. (I personally love this version of Penta. It is a great way to enhance his mystique while his brother is unfortunately absent.)<\/p>\n<p>Penta\u2019s opponent, JPH, was already awaiting his arrival in the ring, and a chyron noted that JPH was making his AEW debut. (Good luck with that.) However, despite the portent of all of wrestling history, JPH looked confident and ready to fight. (Well, you know what they say\u2026 Denial is not just a river in Egypt because it is also the name of a bay in Southern Australia.)<\/p>\n<p>Once the bell rang, both men stalked around the ring, and the crowd loudly chanted \u201cCero Miedo.\u201d Penta made his infamous hand sign and used it to pie-face JPH. JPH came back at Penta with a kick, but Penta caught JPH\u2019s boot, spun him around, and captured him in a waistlock. Both men executed an exchange of standing switches, but JPH managed to shove Penta into the stage left ring ropes. Penta bounced off the ropes and kicked JPH in the chest. JPH went for a clothesline, but Penta ducked. JPH went for a second clothesline, and Penta ducked a second time. Penta then floored JPH with a sling blade out of nowhere. (That looked incredible!) Penta went for a hasty cover but didn\u2019t hook JPH\u2019s leg, so JPH was able to kick out.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat sling blade is one of my favorite moves Penta does,\u201d Wight said. (You and me both, buddy.)<\/p>\n<p>Penta held JPH against the stage right ring ropes and delivered two open-handed chops. Penta then attempted to Irish whip JPH, but JPH reversed the Irish whip. JPH jumped onto the apron, jumped from the apron onto the top rope, and attempted a springboard something-or-other. We\u2019ll never know what kind of springboard he was trying for because Penta superkicked him in mid-air. (And yes, that looked as stunning as it sounded.)<\/p>\n<p>JPH went for a clothesline, but Penta countered with a Pentagon Driver. Penta then punched JPH three times in the kidneys and momentarily played to the crowd. As the audience began to swell, Penta seized JPH\u2019s arm and executed his Sacrifice finisher. Penta covered JPH, the referee dropped down to the mat, and the match was over in three.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Penta (w\/Alex Abrahantes) at 97 seconds<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was a good match, but again, it was too short. I liked the last couple of weeks where they had fewer matches, but each match went longer. Penta is hella entertaining, though, so I can\u2019t complain about that.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(4) FRANKIE KAZARIAN vs. BRANDON CUTLER<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Music from the world\u2019s worst \u201880s-themed prom played over the loudspeakers, and Brandon Cutler made his way to the ring alone. As Cutler walked down the ramp, wearing something I\u2019m pretty sure Austin Powers would\u2019ve said no to, he sprayed sports spray at the cameraman. Frankie Kazarian came out next, and his pyro roared to life as bright-orange flames billowed from the stage to the sky. Kazarian took a split second to pose atop the rampway and then made his way to the ring.<\/p>\n<p>Cutler began by hilariously \u201cair-boxing\u201d at Kazarian, who looked at Cutler exactly how you\u2019d expect him to. After a few seconds of whatever that was, Kazarian kicked Cutler in the stomach, and Cutler flew across the ring like he\u2019d put on a jetpack backward. Kazarian trapped Cutler in a corner and punched him several times before landing two knife-edge chops across Cutler\u2019s chest. Cutler (the Ringling Bros. Clown College version of a pro-wrestler) sold these blows as if he were auditioning for a cartoon about stupidity. Kazarian then threw him out of the ring, and I\u2019m surprised there wasn\u2019t a \u201cboink\u201d sound when he landed.<\/p>\n<p>Cutler stood, dusted himself off, ran into the ring, kept running, and threw himself out the other side. (Sad trombone?) Kazarian leaned against the ropes and watched Cutler walk around the ring like a pouting child. (Did I mention his outfit looks like a pastiche of everything we\u2019ve tried to forget about &#8220;Saved By The Bell&#8221;?)<\/p>\n<p>Cutler tripped over the barricade. (I can\u2019t believe I actually had to write that.) Cutler hopped around on one foot while his opponent leaned against the ropes and wondered how long it would take Cutler to figure out a way to accidentally pin himself.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIn a drawer full of knives, Brandon Cutler is a spoon,\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>Cutler climbed into the ring, tripped over the middle rope, and executed a flapjack drop onto his own face. (This is probably the easiest paycheck Kazarian has ever earned.) Cutler pulled himself upright and was then clotheslined by Kazarian, and because Kazarian is Superman, Cutler went flying out of the ring like a drunken acrobat.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs he ever going to be able to stand upright in the ring?\u201d Henry asked.<\/p>\n<p>Cutler crawled around ringside on all fours, which is probably safer than standing because I imagine if he did, he\u2019d find a way to bash his head into the ringpost. Cutler made his way to a can of sports spray and began talking to it. (Drugs? Is that what it is? Is it drugs?) Kazarian hopped out of the ring and commandeered the can. Cutler then tripped again, but this time he crashed into Kazarian, and Kazarian crashed into the steel steps. (It\u2019s definitely drugs.)<\/p>\n<p>Surprised by his good fortune and looking like an antonym for the word \u201cdapper,\u201d Cutler threw Kazarian back into the ring and climbed atop the turnbuckles. (Why in God\u2019s name would you\u2026 NVM) Because he has the equilibrium of a balloon, Cutler could not stand upright on the top turnbuckles and climbed down. He then attempted to stand on the second turnbuckles, but his fear of heights got the better of him. Finally, he settled on climbing all the way up to the bottom turnbuckles and jumping off \u2014 or falling off. I don\u2019t know; he gave himself a facebuster.<\/p>\n<p>Kazarian executed a needless guillotine legdrop on Cutler. (Seriously, why even attempt offense on this man? Give him five more minutes, and he\u2019ll find a way to shoot himself with a knife.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat a waste of a good move,\u201d Herny said correctly.<\/p>\n<p>Kazarian walked over to Cutler, who was hunched in the downstage right corner, and Cutler tripped Kazarian because tripping is a thing for him. Kazarian stood back up, and Cutler attempted to mount him in the corner, repeatedly punching the turnbuckle next to his head. (Stop being mean to Dante Martin.) Kazarian ducked out of the way and allowed Cutler to continue punching the turnbuckle pad because why not?<\/p>\n<p>Cutler punched the turnbuckle seven times as the crowd chanted along. (I will never get this time back.) Finally, Kazarian got bored and kicked Cutler off the turnbuckles.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s dumb,\u201d Henry said, \u201cand then there\u2019s just stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Kazarian executed a back body drop on Cutler, followed by a running clothesline. Kazarian put his \u201copponent\u201d into crossface chickenwing, and Cutler tapped out.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Kazarian in 4:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: No comment.) \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(5) JAMIE HAYTER (w\/Rebel)\u00a0 vs. RACH\u00c8 CHANEL<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Jamie Hayter came out of the heel\u2019s tunnel and posed on stage. Rebel then ran out after her, and she looked Soho levels of happy. Hayter and Rebel respectively strutted and hopped down the rampway to the ring. Once in the ring, Hayter glared at the hard camera, and Rebel whispered (yelled) something into her ear. Rach\u00e9 Chanel, Hayter\u2019s opponent, was already in the ring awaiting the match. Chanel shimmied as her name was called. She had a pretty good look, and she definitely had stage presence galore.<\/p>\n<p>Hayter and Chanel circled one another while Chanel primped her hair. When Hayter lunged forward, looking for a collar and elbow tie-up, Chanel held up both hands and asked for her to hold on a second \u2014 she was not yet ready. To my great surprise, Hayter \u201cheld on a second.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Chanel looked at Hayter with the expression of a child about to raid her mother\u2019s makeup. Chanel reached into her boot and pulled out a large orange comb. She then waved the comb in the air like it was a winning lottery ticket. (I know this sounds horrible, but it\u2019s actually very entertaining because Chanel is a very good actress. I have no idea if she can wrestle, but she needs a T.V. show now.)<\/p>\n<p>Carefully \u2014 very carefully \u2014 Chanel approached Hayter and began to comb her hair. Hayter looked confused, and Chanel looked like she was in the wrong metaverse. (I actually just laughed out loud. I have no idea why the last match irritated me so much, and yet this bullcrap is sending me. Go figure\u2026) When Chanel had finished, she stepped back to admire her handiwork. She seemed pleased, and so did Hayter. Hayter modeled her new hairstyle for the hard camera while Chanel celebrated her in-ring success. (I\u2019ve never seen Hayter smile so big. This is good for her. This is nice.) Chanel asked Hayter if she\u2019d help fix her hair in return, and Hayter punched her lights out.<\/p>\n<p>Hayter mounted Chanel and clobbered her with forearms. Hayter then stood up and strutted for the fans. Chanel was furious at Hayter for not combing her hair like she was supposed to (Was she supposed to? Why are they both out here, again?) and grabbed her around the waist, rolling her up for a one-count. Hayter popped back up, executed a swinging backbreaker, and finished Chanel off with her Brainbuster finisher.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Hayter in 2:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: That felt more like a skit than a match, but it was an entertaining skit. I\u2019d love to find out if Rach\u00e9 Chanel can wrestle because she has personality for days \u2014 and to quote Enzo, \u201cYou can\u2019t teach that.\u201d)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(6) MAX CASTER (w\/Anthony Bowens) vs. SONNY KISS<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>(Fun Fact: I stan Sonny Kiss.)<\/p>\n<p>Sonny Kiss\u2019s beautiful blond mug popped up on the overhead screens, and her energetic music filled the arena with everlasting joy. Kiss did a split on the top turnbuckles and waved to her fans from that bendy position. (Fun Fact: Sonny Kiss attended a performing arts high school and studied dance.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love seeing Sonny Kiss out here competing,\u201d Wight said. \u201cThe positive energy. Wow!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Yes, if happiness came to life, Sonny Kiss would be its child.<\/p>\n<p>Max Caster, who is both the antithesis of happiness and the thesis of puke-puddle, came out next. He wants us to \u201clisten\u201d because he has more of his flop-era to share. Still, as a patron of the arts, I will transcribe the drizzle-$h!#s he calls lyrics. Max Caster\u2019s word-vomit went as follows:<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSonny Kiss, you\u2019re losing to the Acclaimed tonight because you can\u2019t get on T.V. to save your life. Yo, you shouldn\u2019t even get a verse. You would still be a loser in the metaverse. I\u2019m leaving with my hand raised up. You got silicone in your pancake butt. I thought you had ass. Where\u2019s that jelly? Looking like Plank from Ed, Edd, and Eddy.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>I have an ice cream headache without eating ice cream and feel cheated. How is he \u2014 why would they \u2014 God, he\u2019s an idiot!<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBurb-basket\u201d Bowens, who should really consider getting a better nickname, used his sky-diving voice to tell us, \u201cTHE ACCLAIMED HAVE ARRIVED!\u201d (I wonder if he has problems checking into hotels? I feel like he does.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s about to get weird, guys,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>Bowens and Caster fingered each other, and Wight did not lie.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere it is,\u201d Henry commented on two men fingering each other in public. \u201cIt is weird.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought you were going to say that about Caster and Sonny\u2019s \u2018butt-off,\u2019\u201d Excalibur said.<\/p>\n<p>Wait. What? What\u2019s a butt-off?<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMax Caster\u2019s got a nice butt,\u201d Henry said. \u201cHe\u2019s athletic. I\u2019m just saying.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Okay\u2026 Does a butt-off mean I get to see Caster\u2019s butt? I\u2019m not saying I want to see it (I do), but shouldn\u2019t he save that for his OnlyFans or something? Oh my God\u2026 can you imagine the raps he\u2019d post if he had an OnlyFans? You know what? NVM. I don\u2019t want to see it that bad. (Fun Fact: Sonny Kiss has a BrandArmy, and it\u2019s only $9.99 a month. That may not seem like vital information to you, but trust me, it is!)<\/p>\n<p>Max Caster began the match by twerking, and I\u2019m suddenly okay with this match taking place. Whilst twerking, Kiss kicked Caster in his voluptuous ass.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTalk about getting your ass kicked!\u201d Henry laughed.<\/p>\n<p>Caster hooked Kiss\u2019s arms behind her back, and she countered by dropped down into a split while executing an arm drag. Caster stumbled into the upstage left corner, and Kiss ran toward him. Caster caught Kiss with his shoulder and flipped her over the top rope and onto the apron. Kiss nailed Caster with a leg lariat so high it cleared the top rope. Kiss then climbed to the top turnbuckle, but Caster swept her legs and sent her crashing balls-first into the top turnbuckle. Kiss\u2019s clutched her groin in pain as Caster, a human wart-stick, took advantage of Kiss\u2019s predicament by executing a leaping back elbow onto our protagonist.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNo comment,\u201d Henry said. (Yes, Caster\u2019s actions are despicable to the point of speechlessness.)<\/p>\n<p>Caster performed a belly-to-back suplex on Kiss, hooked her leg, and covered her for a two-count. Caster pulled Kiss up by her ear (That\u2019s right. HER EAR!), and Kiss began elbowing Caster\u2019s midsection multiple times. Kiss then began hammering away at Caster\u2019s head with her forearms, and Caster ran like the cowardly douche-dumpster he is. Kiss caught Caster\u2019s arm and whipped him toward the downstage right turnbuckles. However, Caster reversed Kiss\u2019s Irish whip and sent Kiss into the turnbuckles so hard she almost flew right through the middle rope.<\/p>\n<p>Caster tore Kiss away from the turnbuckles and executed a swinging neckbreaker on Kiss mid-ring. Caster went for the cover but did so arrogantly \u2014 using only one hand and not hooking the leg. As a result, Kiss easily kicked out. (Fun Fact: Sonny Kiss has a Bachelor\u2019s in Exercise Physiology!)<\/p>\n<p>Caster applied a grounded cobra clutch, and the announcers argued over whether it was a \u201cgrounded\u201d clutch or a \u201ckneeling\u201d clutch. Kiss fought her way back up to her feet and escaped Caster\u2019s \u201cwhatever\u201d clutch by striking him in the groin with her butt. (Is that what a butt-off is?) Kiss whipped Caster toward the downstage ring ropes, but once again, Caster managed to reverse Kiss\u2019s whip. Kiss ran the ropes; Caster attempted a clothesline; Kiss ducked Caster\u2019s clothesline, leapfrogged Caster, grabbed Caster\u2019s waist mid-leapfrog, and executed a sunset flip on Caster. (That was cool AF.) Kiss covered Caster but only got a two-count.<\/p>\n<p>Caster nailed Kiss with a pinpoint accurate dropkick, jumped on top of her torso, and began hammering away at the small of Kiss\u2019s back with his knee. Then, with his knee firmly planted against Kiss\u2019s spine, Caster applied a chinlock. Kiss reached for the bottom rope in vain, and the crowd began to clap in support of Kiss. Kiss used the crowd\u2019s energy to pull herself back to her feet.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cSonny is a fan favorite,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHow could Sonny not be a fan favorite?\u201d Excalibur said.<\/p>\n<p>(Fun Fact: Sonny Kiss was a fan favorite at the 2014 Hudson County Teen Arts Festival, where she won first place in the dance category.)<\/p>\n<p>Kiss elbowed Caster\u2019s stomach, and Caster bashed Kiss across the back with his forearm. Caster then attempted another belly-to-back suplex, but this time, Kiss landed on her feet like the well-trained gymnast she is. Caster ran the ropes again, but Kiss caught Caster with a flying back elbow, flooring him. Kiss then dropkicked Caster and performed a backflip in the process! The crowd cheered her athleticism. (Fun fact: Sonny Kiss was trained by Bill Gunn, and now she\u2019s in a butt-off.)<\/p>\n<p>Caster pulled himself up into the scarecrow position (oh, no), and Kiss ran toward him. Caster rolled out of the way, and Kiss crashed into the turnbuckles. (ugh) Kiss nailed Caster with a pump-kick. (yay) Kiss then climbed to the second turnbuckle and dove off onto Caster, executing a hurricanrana. (stupendous&#x2122;)<\/p>\n<p>Kiss bent over and mocked Caster\u2019s twerking attempt from earlier in the match. Kiss slapped her buttocks, ran toward Caster, and nearly decapitated the little dildo-donkey with a wicked-looking windmill kick! Kiss covered Caster and hooked his leg, but Caster kicked out at the last second. Kiss beat the mat with her fist in frustration and climbed back to her feet.<\/p>\n<p>Kiss ascended the top turnbuckle while the audience chanted, \u201cLet\u2019s go, Sonny!\u201d Kiss paused to catch her breath, and at that moment, Caster ran to the turnbuckles and ripped Kiss out of the corner by one leg. Kiss crashed to the mat back-first, and it looked painful. Caster dragged Kiss into the moonsault position, went up top, and executed a Mic Drop on Kiss. Caster covered Kiss, the referee dropped to her knees, and Caster got a three-count for the win.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Caster in 5:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was a fun match and the first match of the show I thoroughly enjoyed. \u00a0Caster and Bowens are delightfully hateable characters, and Kiss is delightfully lovable \u2014 and that is a fun fact.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Caster stroked Bowens\u2019 fingers in a very, very different manner than he did at the start of the match. It looked like he was trying sensually milk a cow.<\/p>\n<p>Wight said, \u201cIt gets weirder every week.\u201d And again, Wight did not lie.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(7) HIKARU SHIDA vs. MADI WRENKOWSKI<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Pounding drum beats filled the arena, and burgundy light spilled out of the on-stage tunnels. Hikaru Shida made her way through the glowing light and dense fog as she carried a kendo stick with her to the ring.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cDefinitely one of my favorites here in AEW,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIt\u2019s definitely good to see her back,\u201d Henry replied.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAbsolutely,\u201d Wight agreed. \u201cGood to see her back.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe loves my impressions!\u201d Henry added.<\/p>\n<p>Shida\u2019s opponent, Madi Wrenkowski, was already waiting for her in the ring. (Good to see Wrenkowski back!) And\u2026 here we go! Shida and Wrenkowski began the match with a collar and elbow tie-up, which Shida got the better of. Shida backed Wrenkowski into the stage left ring ropes and immediately backed off. Shida and Wrenkowski walked away from the ropes, and both women jumped straight into a second collar and elbow tie-up. However, Wrenkowski managed to gain the upper hand by grabbing ahold of Shida\u2019s hair. Shida\u2019s face contorted from the intense pain, and Wrenkowski slammed Shida head-first into the top turnbuckle.<\/p>\n<p>Wrenkowski ensnared Shida in the corner and began hammering away at her chest with hard-hitting forearms. The referee called for a break, and when Wrenkowski did not break things up, the referee moved in to force the break-up. Wrenkowski ran back toward Shida, but Shida was ready for her and caught her with her shoulders. Shida dumbed Wrenkowski torso-first across the top turnbuckles, climbed onto the apron, backed up, ran forward, and nailed Wrenkowski with a running knee strike. Wrenkowski landed on the apron perpendicular to Shida, and Shida jumped back into the ring. Shida ascended the turnbuckles, took hold of Wrenkowski (who was still on the apron), and executed an inside-out superplex. Shida covered Wrenkowski but only got a two-count.<\/p>\n<p>Shida attempted to execute her Falcon Arrow on Wrenkowski, but Wrenkowski landed on her feet. Wrenkowski grabbed Shida from behind and executed a sit-out facebuster but was unable to make the cover. Wrenkowski ran into the ropes, rebounded off of them, and attempted a Scissors Kick. However, Shida jumped out of the way, turned back around, and cuffed Wrenkowski across the back of her neck with an overhead axe-kick. Shida rapidly pulled Wrenkowski up from the canvas and executed her Falcon Arrow finisher. Shida hooked Wrenkowski\u2019s leg, covered her, and got the pin.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Shida at 98 seconds<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was another match that was good for what it was, but what it was, was too short. It\u2019s hard to tell any kind of story in less than two minutes.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Shida celebrated on the turnbuckles and held her kendo stick over her head.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(8) RUBY SOHO &amp; ANNA JAY vs. THE RENEGADE TWINS\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ruby Soho\u2019s music played first, and the screens lit up in day-glow colors. Soho ran out, bursting with all the excitement of a bubble-fueled rocket ship. Anna Jay ran out right behind Soho, and both teammates fist-bumped one another atop the ramp. The director cut to several shots of excited fans as Ruby Soho &amp; Anna Jay made their way to the ring. Soho and Jay briefly mugged for the hard camera before turning their attention to their opponents, The Renegade Twins. (Oh! We saw them last week. Welcome back!)<\/p>\n<p>Charlette and Robyn Renegade were dressed in identical outfits and wore identical makeup. (Okay, but don\u2019t you two go doing that switcheroo thingy you did last week.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAs great as Anna Jay and Ruby are,\u201d Henry opined, \u201cthey\u2019re not twins, and they\u2019re not a tag team. I think The Renegade Twins have the advantage here.\u201d (OMG, Henry has wrestling-related amnesia.)<\/p>\n<p>The bell rang, and Soho and Charlette started things off. Both athletes sprung into a collar and elbow tie-up, but the tie-up was short-lived. Charlette clutched the back of Soho\u2019s head and executed a stationary facebuster, throwing her to the canvas. Charlette taunted Jay as she applied a side headlock to Soho. Charlette then threw Soho into the ropes, but Soho came back with an attempted shoulder tackle; however, Charlette leapfrogged Soho. Charlette attempted to run the ropes herself, but Soho caught her around the waist with a standing waistlock.<\/p>\n<p>In an amusing exchange, Soho stuck her head around Charlette\u2019s left side, and Charlette tried to grab her but failed. Soho then stuck her head around Charlette\u2019s right side, and once again, Charlette tried to grab Soho but failed. Soho then transitioned into a side headlock. Soho held onto the side headlock for a few moments before deciding to yank Charlette down to the mat with a side headlock takeover. Charlette fought her way upright, plunged both hands into Soho\u2019s chest, and pushed Soho toward the ropes. Jay reached over the ropes and made a blind tag as Soho continued her momentum. Soho ducked underneath a clothesline, hammered Charlette one last time, and hopped onto the apron. Jay rushed Charlette and executed a fantastic running blockbuster.<\/p>\n<p>Jay threw Charlette face-first into the up stage left turnbuckles. Startled and in pain, Charlette stood in the reverse scarecrow position while Jay ran toward her with a spinning leg lariat. Charlette crumbled to the mat; Jay hooked Charlette\u2019s leg and covered her. However, Jay only got a two-count because Robyn ran into the ring to break things up. Thankfully, the referee forced Robyn back onto the apron.<\/p>\n<p>Charlette sent Jay into the ring ropes, and Jay came back at Charlette with an elbow. Robyn then reached over the top rope and grabbed Jay\u2019s torso. Soho jumped into the ring to counter Robyn\u2019s interference, and Jay hit Robyn with a back elbow that sent her tumbling off the apron. The referee chided Soho and forced her back into the face\u2019s corner. During this time, Robyn and Charlette made a tag. The referee did not see this tag, but I\u2019m not sure how much that would matter, given Robyn and Charlette looked identical.<\/p>\n<p>Robyn and Charlette attempted to double-team Jay with a Vertical Suplex, but Jay managed to fight her way out of it. One of the twins attempted to kick Jay, but Jay caught that twin\u2019s leg and swung it into the other twin, forcing her to kick her own sister. (That was kind of clever.) Jay then rushed toward the faces corner to tag in Soho. Both twins ran toward Jay and Soho, and Jay and Soho simultaneously executed flatliners on Charlette and Robyn. The crowd applauded.<\/p>\n<p>Robyn (I think that\u2019s Robyn) attempted to kick Soho in the stomach, but Soho caught her leg. (Someone needs to teach these twins how to kick without getting their legs caught.) Soho executed a step-up enzuigiri on Robyn. Soho trapped Robyn in a wristlock, walked her to the face\u2019s corner, and tagged in Jay. Soho then pummeled Robyn with her No Future finisher, and as Robyn fell backward from the force of the finisher, Jay caught her in the Queen\u2019s Slayer. Robyn and Jay fell to the mat, but Jay kept Robyn in her signature submission hold, and Robyn was forced to tap out. (Hey, there was no switcheroo! Good job keeping it clean and fair\u2026 sort of.)<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Soho &amp; Anna Jay in 2:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: Again, nothing in this match was offensive, I liked the characters involved, and the action made sense, but it was too short. I couldn\u2019t even microwave popcorn in the time it took to put on this match.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Henry admitted his pre-match predictions were wrong. (Shocking.)<\/p>\n<p><strong>(9) ROPPONGI VICE (Trent Beretta &amp; Rocky Romero w\/Orange Cassidy &amp; Chuck Taylor) vs. THE FACTORY (Q.T. Marshall &amp; Aaron Solo w\/Nick Comoroto)\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Blue lights lit up the haze suspended above the stage, and The Factory, represented by Q.T. Marshall and Aaron Solo, made their way to the ring. Nick Comoroto followed behind them. They all wore matching shirts, but somehow Marshall\u2019s looked douchier than the others.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is a match with a lot of political intrigue behind it,\u201d Excalibur said. (Oooo\u2026. Let\u2019s not\u2026) \u201cThe Factory recently showed up at New Japan Strong and said they felt they could add something to the product. New Japan responded with this tag team matchup!\u201d (Oh. Different politics. That\u2019s not what I was expecting. My mind has been places.)<\/p>\n<p>The team of Rocky Romero &amp; Trent Beretta came out of the face\u2019s tunnel. There was an eyepatch. (Why was there an eyepatch involved? I feel like I should know.) Also, Romero\u2019s wardrobe looks very 1990s Versace. Anyway\u2026 Orange Cassidy and Chuck Taylor accompanied Roppongi Vice to the ring. Cassidy\u2019s arm was still in a sling from the injury he sustained during the Face of the Revolution ladder match.<\/p>\n<p>Before the match even started, Comoroto took down both Beretta and Romero with a double clothesline. Solo then began stomping on a debilitated Romero while Q.T. Marshall (the human equivalent of waiting in a long line) threw Beretta into the steel barricade! With both members of Roppongi Vice outside of the ring suffering injuries, the referee rang the bell and started the match. (What, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the f***!)<\/p>\n<p>The beatings continued outside the ring.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe bell has rung,\u201d Excalibur said. (And nobody sees anything wrong with that? Nobody? What if he were to start counting them out, RN? What if they had a life-threatening injury? Why in God\u2019s name would an impartial official start a match with one team beaten down and outside the ring?)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe Factory with a distinct advantage here in the early goings,\u201d Excalibur observed. (Ya think?)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLook at Q.T. walking around like he is the cat that stole the canary,\u201d Henry said. (Ah, yes. Q.T. Marshall. He\u2019s like the candy corn of candy.)<\/p>\n<p>Back in the ring, finally, Solo stomped away at Romero\u2019s torso like his ribcage was on fire, and then he covered Romero. Still, despite the beat down, the steel barricade, and lobotomized referee, Romero managed to kick out at one. Solo ripped off his shirt in frustration and threw it at Romero. Solo then apprehended Romero in a front facelock and tagged in Q.T. Marshall, aka the younger version of Dan Lambert.<\/p>\n<p>Marshall slammed his forearm into Romero\u2019s chest, walked Romero to the center of the ring, and punched him directly in the head. Romero fell to the mat. Marshall strutted around the ring like a fully-molted peacock, and Romero used that gifted time to recover enough to climb to his feet. Romero punched Marshall in the stomach twice, and Marshall responded by kicking Romero in the stomach. This caused Romero to double over and allowed Marshall to tag in Solo. Marshall held Romero in place while Solo kicked away at his midsection.<\/p>\n<p>Solo maneuvered Romero to the downstage right turnbuckles and chopped his chest. Romero stumbled out of the corner, using the downstage ring ropes to hold himself up, and when Solo moved on him again, Romero responded with two chops and three forearms. However, that still wasn\u2019t enough to gain the upper hand, and Solo plunged his knee into Romero\u2019s stomach. Solo pulled Romero toward him and lifted him into the air for an attempted vertical suplex. Romero managed to fight his way out of the aforementioned suplex and landed on his feet. This caught Solo off guard, and Romero was able to detain him in a waistlock, but Solo elbowed his way out and ran the ropes. As Solo rebounded toward him, Romero caught Solo with a Hurricanrana in the middle of the ring.<\/p>\n<p>Solo rolled toward Q.T. Marshall, who looks a bit like a black and white movie in a land full of color, and Marshall took control of Romero, throwing him into the stage left ropes. However, Romero held onto the ropes and stopped himself dead in his tracks. Marshal hurried toward Romero, but Romero caught him with an uppercut followed by a running sliced bread.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI\u2019m surprised the ring didn\u2019t get covered in Chia Pet fur,\u201d Wight said. (Ha. Good one!)<\/p>\n<p>Romero tagged in Beretta, and Marshall tagged in Solo. Beretta and Solo sprinted toward one another. Beretta floored Solo with a double arm takedown. Marshall ran in, and Beretta planted him high on his shoulders with a half-in-half suplex. Solo barreled toward Beretta, but Beretta dodged him, seized his waist, and executed a release German suplex on Solo. The crowd cheered, and Orange Cassidy raised his hand in a vigorous and energetic show of support. Beretta threw Solo into the corner, smashed him with a flying back elbow, and executed a rope-assisted tornado DDT! After this fantastic offensive, Beretta tagged in Romero.<\/p>\n<p>Beretta draped Solo\u2019s lifeless body over the top rope while Romero ascended the turnbuckles. Romero leaped off the top rope and slammed into Solo with a flying dropkick. Solo flipped off the top rope, landed on the mat, sat up, and got knocked back down again with a sliding knee strike from Beretta! Romero covered Solo, frantically hooking his leg, but Solo managed to kick out in the nick of time. Beretta stepped back onto the apron, just long enough to make a legal tag to Romero. (Why bother? This referee clearly does not care about rules.) Romero and Beretta set up Solo for their Strong Zero finisher, but Marshall, the human version of an Atari game, ran into the ring to stop the match from ending. Romero jumped off the top rope and ran at Marshall, but Marshall struck Romero in the jaw like he were Will Smith at the Oscars. Romero nearly fell over backward, but Marshall caught him and tossed him out of the ring.<\/p>\n<p>Beretta ran at Marshall and blindsided him with a clothesline that knocked Marshall over the top rope and down the floor. Beretta hyped the crowd for a tope suicida, but just as he was about to jump through the ropes, Comoroto hopped onto the apron to block him from executing the move. The crowd deflated like a three-day-old party balloon, and Beretta got distracted arguing with Comoroto. While Beretta and Comoroto argued, Solo snuck up behind Beretta and dropped him with a corkscrew kick. Beretta teetered his way into the downstage left corner, and Solo charged toward him. However, right before Solo collided with Beretta, Beretta caught him with a back elbow. Beretta ran the ropes, but before he could execute his next offensive move, Marshall clocked him with a popup punch.<\/p>\n<p>Marshall lifted Beretta into a suplex, and Solo executed a neckbreaker on Beretta midway through the suplex. Solo covered Beretta, and the referee counted, but Romero broke up the pin with a double axe-handle. All four men are now in the ring.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMarshall should really be going to the referee and saying, \u2018Hey, do something about that,\u2019\u201d Henry said. (Why? This referee clearly thinks he\u2019s refereeing a tornado tag!)<\/p>\n<p>Romero punched Marshall; Marshall punched Romero; Romero punched Solo, and Marshall planted a knee into Romero\u2019s chest. Marshall then ran the ropes, but both Beretta and Romero managed to muster the strength to take him down with a leaping double knee strike. Marshall rolled out of the ring with the charisma of a marshmallow, and Romero went after him with a suicide dive.<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, back in the ring, Beretta picked Solo up, placed him over his back, and shouted for Romero to climb the turnbuckles. Romero once again ascended to the top rope, jumped into the air, and together, Beretta and Romero performed their Strong Zero finisher on Solo. Beretta hooked BOTH of Solo\u2019s legs, and the referee dropped to the mat, counting one, two, three. Roppongi Vice picked up the win.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Roppongi Vice in 6:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: That was a solid match. I wish it hadn\u2019t started with a beatdown beforehand, and it got a little chaotic at the end, but I enjoyed the athleticism and appreciated the story behind it.)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FINAL THOUGHTS<\/strong>: Okay, so this was not the best episode of AEW Dark Elevation. Most of the matches were way too short, and two of them felt like sketches more than matches. In fact, five of the nine matches were two minutes or less. I much prefer the format of the previous two weeks \u2014 fewer but longer matches. Now for match-of-the-night! (Not that my opinion is in any way definitive, but\u2026) My match-of-the-night award goes to Max Caster vs. Sonny Kiss. Caster and Bowens are perfect in their roles, and it\u2019s almost impossible not to like someone as energetic and cheerful as Kiss. In my opinion, Roppongi Vice vs. The Factory was the second-best match of the night, and it was a very solid bout. If you have time to watch three matches, check out the Roch\u00e9 Chanel vs. Jamie Hayter skit. It wasn\u2019t a spectacular match, but it was definitely different.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I\u2019m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, if you see someone eating eggs in a restaurant, it is inappropriate to scream, \u201cOMG, they\u2019re eating babies!\u201d<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><strong>CATCH-UP:<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/03\/23\/3-23-aew-dynamite-tv-results-sages-alt-perspective-report-on-cm-punk-vs-dax-harwood-jay-lethal-vs-adam-cole-the-hardys-sting-darby-allin-vs-private-party-butcher\/\">3\/23 AEW DYNAMITE TV RESULTS: Sage\u2019s \u201calt perspective\u201d report on CM Punk vs. Dax Harwood, Jay Lethal vs. Adam Cole, The Hardy\u2019s &amp; Sting &amp; Darby Allin vs. Private Party &amp; Butcher &amp; Blade, More.<\/a><\/p>\n<div class=\"pwtor-end-article-groups pwtor-entity-placement\" id=\"pwtor-112070833\"><div id=\"pwtor-3223761069\"><div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280\" id=\"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\nTHANK YOU FOR VISITING<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div class=\"mh-excerpt\"><p>AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT MARCH 28, 2022 TAPED 3\/23 IN AUSTIN, TEXAS AIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM REPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR\u00a0 AEW Commentators: Excalibur, Paul Wight, and Mark Henry\u00a0 Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts\u00a0 &#8211; Thank <a class=\"mh-excerpt-more\" href=\"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/03\/29\/3-28-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-report-with-signature-asides-highlights-of-wight-and-henry-on-commentary-analysis-of-max-caster-vs-sonny-kiss-roppongi-vice-vs-the-factory-more\/\" title=\"3\/28 AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT: Bryant&#8217;s report with signature asides, highlights of Wight and Henry on commentary, analysis of Max Caster vs. Sonny Kiss, Roppongi Vice vs. The Factory, more\">[&#8230;]<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":117696,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6594,6438,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-136406","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aew-rampage","category-aew-tv-reports","category-tvshowsandevents"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-content\/uploads\/post\/2021\/04\/AEW-Dark-Elevation-TV-Logo_3x2.png","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136406","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=136406"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136406\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":136433,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/136406\/revisions\/136433"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/117696"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=136406"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=136406"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=136406"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}