{"id":138647,"date":"2022-04-28T22:19:59","date_gmt":"2022-04-29T03:19:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/?p=138647"},"modified":"2022-04-28T22:20:56","modified_gmt":"2022-04-29T03:20:56","slug":"4-26-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-report-on","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/04\/28\/4-26-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-report-on\/","title":{"rendered":"4\/26 AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT: Bryant\u2019s report on Wight and Henry&#8217;s banter, hatred for The Acclaimed, love for Vickie Guerrero, Statlander&#8217;s new character, more"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"pwtor-312710344\" class=\"pwtor-before-content pwtor-entity-placement\"><hr \/><b>SPOTLIGHTED PODCAST ALERT (YOUR ARTICLE BEGINS A FEW INCHES DOWN)... <\/b>\r\n\r\n<iframe src=\"https:\/\/widget.spreaker.com\/player?show_id=3076978&theme=light&playlist=false&playlist-continuous=false&autoplay=false&live-autoplay=false&chapters-image=true&episode_image_position=right&hide-logo=false&hide-likes=false&hide-comments=false&hide-sharing=false&hide-download=true\" width=\"100%\" height=\"140px\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe>\r\n<hr \/><\/div><h3>AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT<br \/>\nAPRIL 25, 2022<br \/>\nTAPED 4\/20 IN PITTSBURG, PA.<br \/>\nAIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM<br \/>\nREPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR<\/h3>\n<p><em>Commentators: Excalibur &amp; Paul Wight &amp; Mark Henry<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts<\/em><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>&#8211; Thank you guys for reading this every week; I really do mean it. It is truly humbling that y\u2019all are willing to show up to read my absurdly long, ridiculously irreverent pro wrestling reports. So, again, thank you for spending so much time with me, and thank you for visiting PWTorch.com. If you want to follow me on Twitter, you can do so @IamDavidBryant. (Despite what you\u2019re thinking, I promise there are things other than selfies involved. In fact, I can almost guarantee there is at least ten percent other stuff.)<\/p>\n<p>-Tonight\u2019s AEW Dark Elevation taping emanated from the Petersen Events Center in Pittsburgh, Pa. \u2014 Now\u2026 I normally use this space to offer tourism advice about whichever city AEW is currently appearing in, but I have yet to visit Pittsburgh, and I try not to give advice about things I\u2019m not personally familiar with. That said, I have had great times in the state itself, and I\u2019ll have loads of advice whenever AEW returns to Philadelphia So\u2026 for those of you who came to this page specifically seeking vacation information, you are lost, but also, stay tuned.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(1) LUTHER &amp; JAKE OMEN &amp; TITO ORIC &amp; R.C. DUPREE &amp; BULK NASTY vs. DARK ORDER (Evil Uno &amp; Stu Grayson &amp; Alex Reynolds &amp; Alan Angels &amp; Preston Vance w\/Brodie Lee Jr.)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The first match of the night is a ten-man cluster-match. So, enjoy that.<\/p>\n<p>Luther came out first but did so without his better half. (Has anyone checked to see if Luther\u2019s house has a crawlspace?) With no Serpentico nearby, Luther grabbed a fistful of RC Dupree\u2018s blond hair and dragged him down the rampway instead. (That is not the same. Where is Serpentico? What did you do?) Jake Omen, Tito Oric, and Bulk Nasty followed behind Luther and Dupree. (Who are these guys? Should I know these guys? I feel like I should know these guys.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cLooks like Luther picked up some strays walking the streets of Pittsburgh,\u201d Excalibur explained. (Guess not.)<\/p><div id=\"pwtor-3030867212\" class=\"pwtor-content pwtor-entity-placement\"><div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280 __336x280\" id=\"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x250\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>\u201cYou know I said on Dark Elevation before \u2014 having done my research on the &#8216;Amazing&#8217; Luther \u2014 that\u2019s what I refer to him as \u2014 he comes from Danish royalty,\u201d Wight said. \u201cSo, these could be subjects of his kingdom.\u201d (They could very well be. That makes sense.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThe \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther was his name back when he was part of a trapeze act,\u201d Excalibur said. (Oh! Oh! I used to do trapeze, too! You can find pics of it on my Twitter and Instagram. Man, I never knew Luther and I had so much in common!) (It\u2019s scary we have things in common\u2026)<\/p>\n<p>Dark Order came out next. The members involved in this particular match-up include Evil Uno &amp; Alan Angels &amp; Preston Vance &amp; Alex Reynolds &amp; Stu Grayson &amp; Brodie Lee Jr. &amp; Junior Vasquez &amp; Carl\u2019s Jr. &amp; wow they have too many members to keep up with.<\/p>\n<p>Luther pulled out a mask he\u2019d peeled off Serpentico\u2019s corpse (probably) and pleaded with Dupree to wear it. For some reason, Dupree agreed. Dupree\u2019s long blond hair covered up the eye-holes.<\/p>\n<p>As soon as the bell rang, Grayson ran at Dupree, but Dupree was half-blinded, and Grayson was able to easily knock him to the ground with a back elbow. (Dupree did a fantastic job of bumping how you\u2019d have expected Serpentico to. Poor Serpentico.) Grayson delivered a second back elbow, and Dupree went hurling onto his back a second time. Stu Grayson ripped Serpentico\u2019s mask off Dupree, and Luther began speaking whale very loudly.<\/p>\n<p>Grayson rolled his eyes at Luther\u2019s high-pitched shrieks and then desecrated Serpentico\u2019s mask by throwing it disrespectfully to the ground. During this act of sacrilege, Dupree managed to tag in Oric and escape the ring. Grayson ducked a clothesline from Oric, and Oric plunged a knife-edge chop into Grayson\u2019s chest; however, Grayson no-sold it. Oric stared at Grayson, looking a little confused and a lot affronted, and Grayson slammed Oric with a forearm so hard it sent him into the face team\u2019s corner. There, Grayson tagged in Angels, who immediately tagged in Uno.<\/p>\n<p>Together, Angels and Grayson executed a double Irish whip on Oric. Oric ran the ropes, Angels dropped down, Oric jumped over Angels, Grayson leapfrogged Oric, and Uno stepped into the mix to poke Oric in the eye. Uno executed a hanging neckbreaker on Oric, rammed Oric\u2019s head into the top turnbuckle, and tagged in Reynolds.<\/p>\n<p>Reynolds ran the ropes and used their momentum to clock Oric with a running back elbow followed by a running corkscrew elbow. A reeling Oric rolled his way to the heel team\u2019s corner and tagged in the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther. The \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther attempted a big boot on Reynolds, but Reynolds ducked and attacked the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther with multiple forearms. Reynolds then attempted to Irish whip the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther, but the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther reversed Reynolds\u2019 whip attempt. Reynolds ran the ropes, ducked a clothesline doled out by the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther, ducked another clothesline doled out by the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther, and then ran headfirst into a leg lariat doled out by the \u201cAmazing\u201d Luther.<\/p><div id=\"pwtor-846417614\" class=\"pwtor-content-1 pwtor-entity-placement\"><!-- Tag ID: pwtorchcom_test_300x600 -->\r\n<div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280 __300x600\" id=\"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_test_300x600\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div><\/div>\n<p>\u201cThat was the royal leg lariat!\u201d Wight exclaimed. \u201cKing Luther!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>King Luther hit a svelt snap suplex on Reynolds, but that was only good for a one-count. King Luther was unimpressed with the referee\u2019s mathematical skills and argued with him about the amount of the number one. (That makes sense. It\u2019s a good strategy. It works often.) However, the referee maintained that the number one was the number one and refused to overturn the results of the pinfall. King Luther tagged in Omen.<\/p>\n<p>King Luther picked Omen up to execute a Serpentico-body-slam on Reynolds, but Reynolds wisely moved out of the way, and poor Omen crashed to the mat. Reynolds crawled toward the face team\u2019s corner, and King Luther tried to stop him by grabbing Reynolds\u2019 leg; however, Reynolds escaped King Luther\u2019s grasp with an up-kick. Reynolds tagged in Vance.<\/p>\n<p>Vance stepped into the ring, and King Luther began using his partners as cannon fodder. King Luther threw Omen at Vance, but Vance took Omen down with a shoulder tackle; King Luther threw Dupree at Vance, but Vance took Dupree down with a shoulder tackle; King Luther threw Oric at Vance, but Vance took Oric down with a shoulder tackle; King Luther threw Bulk Nasty at Vance, and Vance took Bulk Nasty down with a pump-handle slam. (If that read quickly, it\u2019s because it happened that way.)<\/p>\n<p>Vance hit Omen with a pump kick in the downstage right corner, and then Vance hit the \u201cAmazing\u201d King Luther with a pump kick in the downstage left corner; King Luther tumbled off to the floor. Angels darted across the ring and executed a suicide dive through the ropes onto the \u201cAmazing\u201d King Luther. Vance picked up Reynolds into a powerbomp position, walked Reynolds to the downstage ropes, and Reynolds executed a moonsault off Vance that went over the top rope and onto several members of team \u201cAmazing-Clairvoyant-Egyptologist\u201d King Luther.<\/p>\n<p>Omen ran into the ring to counter Vance\u2019s monsterific offense, and Vance immediately caught Omen with a spinebuster!<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat an impressive athlete \u201cTen\u201d is,\u201d Wight said. \u201cWow!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Vance tagged in Uno, and Uno tagged in Grayson. Uno put Omen on his shoulders, and Grayson executed a Fatality finisher onto Omen. Grayson covered Omen; Vance put Dupree in a full nelson to prevent him from breaking up the count; the referee dropped to the mat to make the count, and Dark Order picked up the victory.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Dark Order (Stu Grayson &amp; Alex Reynolds &amp; Alan Angels &amp; Preston Vance &amp; Evil Uno &amp; Uno Henning &amp; UNO The Game &amp; Mr. Monopoly) in 3:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was palatable but not spectacular. That\u2019s okay, though. They had ten men and three minutes. The fact that they made this work at all is amazing in and of itself. Dupree was particularly entertaining to watch, especially during the Serpentico mask bit.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(2) KRIS STATLANDER vs. JULIA HART<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Julia Hart came out first, and once again, it appears she\u2019s used too much eyeliner because it\u2019s running out from underneath her eye patch like a waterfall. (Has no one asked her to get that looked at? She should get that looked at. Maybe she has keratoconjunctivitis sicca but in reverse?) Hart walked to the ring looking a little bit bubbly and a little bit like the floor was lava.<\/p>\n<p>Kris Statlander came out next and looked like a total badass. (Like, I would cross the road if I saw her walking down it, and I\u2019m a Nyla Rose fan.) One half of Statlander\u2019s hair was dyed black, and the other half was dyed Duke blue. Her eyeliner and eye make-up matched her hair, but to be clear, this was not \u201calien cosplay.\u201d This was \u201cI-got-a-knife-under-my-right-pant-leg-strapped-to-my-boot cosplay.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The bell rang, and both women circled one another, scowling like they were characters in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Before Hart could start a collar and elbow tie-up, Statlander seized her and executed a side headlock takeover as if Hart\u2019s neck had personally offended her. Hart battled her way back to her feet, and Statlander put Hart in a wristlock. Then, to my slight confusion, Statlander began prying Hart\u2019s fingers OPEN. (I don\u2019t get it.) With her fingers now open, Hart escaped the wristlock, but as soon as she did so, Statlander kept hold of her fingers and forced them into a warped-looking Greco Roman knuckle lock. (Oooh. Now I get it.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe should get that eye checked out. It could be infected,\u201d Excalibur said. (OMG! Thank you! Finally, someone else is saying it.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, there\u2019s nothing you can do about the black mist,\u201d Wight said (because it\u2019s normal for companies to allow employees to blind each other with chemical attacks.) \u201cAnd there\u2019s no way of knowing what\u2019s in that mist.\u201d (Maybe Tony Khan could ask?)<\/p>\n<p>Both competitors snarled at one another, and Statlander used her knuckle lock to force Hart to bend over backward until she was resting on Statlander\u2019s knee. (Hot damn. Hart is as flexible as Mero\u2019s hot flexible wife.) Without ever freeing her knuckles, Hart slammed a knee into Statlander, forced herself upright, and swept Statlander\u2019s left leg. Hart then used the Greco Roman knuckle lock to pin Statlander but could only get a two-count. Hart kept the knuckle lock in place and attempted a second pin. Once again, she was only able to get a two-count. Hart and Statlander continued to struggle in the knuckle lock until Hart got a third pin but still only scored a two-count. This time, instead of kicking out, Statlander bridged out of the pinfall. (That was impressive.)<\/p>\n<p>Statlander maintained the bridge, and Hart maintained the knuckle lock. Hart then put all of her weight on Statlander\u2019s hands, which were still pinned to the mat, and lifted herself up onto her arms like a circus performer before plunging both her knees into Statlander\u2019s stomach. Jawdroppingly, Statlander held onto her bridge as if her spine were made of steel. (That is SUPER impressive. I would\u2019ve folded like a house of cards.)<\/p>\n<p>Keeping Statlander\u2019s hands pinned, Hart used one of her legs to sweep Statlander, and Statlander\u2019s bridge finally collapsed. Hart then performed another handstand on Statlander\u2019s hands, but before she could plunge her knees into Statlander a second time, Statlandre caught her with her feet. (This really does look like a low-key circus act. I am enthralled.)<\/p>\n<p>With Hart in a handstand on Statlander\u2019s hands and her body bridged across Statlander\u2019s feet, Statlander straightened out both her arms and legs. This pushed Hart into the air, turning her from a 180-degree angle to a 90-degree angle. Statlander held Hart in the air like a human plank.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019ll be damned,\u201d Henry said. \u201cDid you see what she just did?\u201d (Yeah, I did see that, and I have circus friends I can put her in touch with if she\u2019s interested.)<\/p>\n<p>With Hart still held up by Statlander, Statlander then bent her arms and legs, straightened them quickly, and launched Hart off of her and into a black flip.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat a display of strength,\u201d Henry said. (It was, but both women should be commended for that. It takes a lot of balance to do what Hart just did.)<\/p>\n<p>Hart ran the ropes, and Statlander ducked underneath her, leapfrogged her, and attempted to attack her, but Hart countered by capturing Statlander in a standing side headlock. Statlander then used her strength to pick Hart up (without breaking the headlock) and executed a belly-to-back suplex. Hart pulled herself up into the scarecrow position, and Statlander cornered her, blasting her chest with a chop. Statlander then began to pull Hart into position for a Big Bang Theory, but Hart countered by flipping over her. However, Statlander executed a standing switch and put Hart into a waistlock. Hart fought the waistlock with multiple back elbows. When Statlander\u2019s grip had loosened enough, Hart seized Statlander\u2019s neck and executed a bulldog slam!<\/p>\n<p>Hart pinned Statlander, and I thought she might win for a second, but Statlander kicked out at two. Applause rippled through the audience as they finally realized this match was actually pretty damn good. Hart clubbed away at Statlander\u2019s back while Statlander beat up Hart\u2019s torso. Statlander then ran the ropes and attempted a running clothesline, but Hart caught her arm mid-clothesline, kicked Statlander in the back, and executed an STO backbreaker.<\/p>\n<p>Statlander stared at the lights, looking stunned, and Hart performed a standing moonsault on Statlander. Hart looked like she might cover Statlander but opted not to. Instead, Hart wrenched Statlander back up and threw her face-first into a middle turnbuckle with a look of unbridled disdain.<\/p>\n<p>Hart laughed at Statlander as she lay heaped in the upstage left corner, stomped Statlander\u2019s chest, and choked Statlander with her boot. Hart looked maniacal.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHart is like, \u2018If everybody else is gonna do evil, then I\u2019m gonna do evil, too,\u2019\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>Hart took Statlander to the mat and applied a camel clutch, but Statlander countered, hoisting Hart up onto her back. Still on Statlander\u2019s back, Hart put Statlander in a sleeper hold, and Statlander collapsed to the mat. Statlander then grabbed Hart\u2019s throat with both hands and lifted Hart over her head by her neck. Statlander launched Hart halfway across the ring, and she crashed into the upstage left turnbuckles.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGeez!\u201d Henry exclaimed.<\/p>\n<p>Hart stood in the scarecrow position, and Statlander clobbered Hart with a running uppercut. Statlander then ran the ropes and rebounded toward hart with a running knee strike. Statlander then pulled Hart to the center of the ring and executed a reverse suplex. Before Hart could so much as take a breath, Statlander pulled Hart back to her upright base and executed a delayed vertical suplex. Statlander instantaneously popped back up to her feet, and the audience applauded.<\/p>\n<p>Statlander attempted a roundhouse kick, but Hart ducked underneath and superkicked Statlander. Statlander crawled on all fours to the upstage right corner. Hart immediately executed a somersault clothesline. Hart ran the ropes and rebounded toward Statlander with a back elbow. Nearly unconscious, Statlander collapsed into the please-moonsault-me position. Hart went up to the top rope and executed a rounding body press onto Statlander. Hart hooked Statlander\u2019s leg, and the referee counted one, two \u2014 kick out!<\/p>\n<p>Hart trapped Statlander in a modified headscissors and pulled back on her own ankle to intensify its pressure. The audience began clapping to rally Statlander as Statlander made the slow ascent to her feet. Statlander flipped her body over Hart\u2019s and reversed the hold in a way I did not think was possible. Statlander then picked Hart up like a sack of potatoes and executed a hard-hitting release German suplex on Hart!<\/p>\n<p>Statlander executed a hard roundhouse kick to the left side of Hart\u2019s head. Hart collapsed, but Statlander picked her back up, turned her upside down, and executed her Big Bang Theory finisher; however, Excalibur clarified that the finisher is now called Night Fever. So\u2026 Statlander executed her Night Fever finisher on Hart, covered Hart, and hooked Hart\u2019s leg, scoring a three-count for the win. (Badass.)<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Statlander in 7:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was way better than I thought it would be. Both women told an in-ring story about their evolving characters, and the chemistry between the two worked out well. As readers know, I absolutely abhorred Statlander\u2019s alien gimmick, but I\u2019m digging the hell out of this one. She was never a bad wrestler; she was a good wrestler with a bad gimmick. However, this gimmick feels like the gimmick of someone who could someday hold the AEW Women\u2019s Championship. I wish this gimmick was the gimmick she\u2019d used to wrestle Leyla Hirsch during the AEW Revolution pre-show.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Statlander leaned over the bottom rope and scowled into the camera.<\/p>\n<p>&#8211; An advert for Rampage aired, and I feel like they should consider replacing these adverts with mini-video packages. Everyone watching Dark Elevation already knows about Dynamite and Rampage, so instead of doing commercials, they could do highlight reels of the local talent or short video packages hyping the achievements of contracted wrestlers. Just a random idea I\u2019m throwing out into the void of nothingness that is the internet.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(3) BRANDON CULTER vs. KONOSUKE TAKESHITA<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Ringling Bros. and Barnum &amp; Bailey Clown College drop-out Brandon Culter made his entrance. (Oh boy.) Out next was twenty-six-year-old Japanese athlete Konosuke Takeshita, the youngest person to ever hold the KO-D Openweight Championship and the winner of this match. (I assume.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHe looks like a star and carries himself like one,\u201d Wight said. (I\u2019ll let you guess which wrestler Wight was referring to.)<\/p>\n<p>The match started with Cutler jogging in place like his shoes were on fire, and Takeshita stood like a normal person. (Did I mention he\u2019s a five-time KO-D Opening Champion? Like, Cutler is so dead, RN.) Both wrestlers jumped into a collar and elbow tie-up, but Takeshita swiftly transitioned into a wristlock. Cutler cartwheeled out of the wristlock and applied a wristlock of his own. Cutler then made a face that can best be described as \u201cJim-Carrey-bobblehead.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita seized Cutler\u2019s bobbling head in a side headlock, and Cutler appeared to be trying to \u201cswim\u201d his way out of it? Cutler shoved Takeshita toward the ropes, and Takeshita bounced back with a shoulder tackle that threw Cutler into the air before sending him crashing to the mat.<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita ran the ropes and slammed into Cutler with a back leg lariat. Takeshita scooped up Cutler (who looks like his laundry got put in the wash with a hallucinogenic tiger) and front slammed him down to the mat. Takeshita climbed to the second rope and jumped off it with a flying senton bomb onto Cutler. Takeshita went for the cover, and for some reason, Cutler kicked out. (Unwise.)<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita elbowed the back of Cutler\u2019s head and then whipped Cutler into the upstage right corner. However, instead of colliding with the turnbuckles, Cutler jumped through the ropes and landed on the apron. Takeshita ran toward Cutler, and Cutler executed a slingshot enzuigiri on Takeshita. Cutler then posed like a Florida Man version of Karate Kid. Cutler also danced around Takeshita (who is probably confused and regretting a lot of decisions) and dropped an elbow on him. Cutler followed that up by executing a TikTok dance. (*Skull Emoji*)<\/p>\n<p>Culter dropped another elbow and then danced some more. He did spins, the moonwalk, a waltzy shuffle, and Takeshita is never visiting us again, is he? Finally, Cutler attempted another elbow drop, but Takeshita rolled out of the way because of course he did. Takeshita wagged his finger, being a lot kinder than I would\u2019ve been with my finger.<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita threw Cutler into the upstage right corner and then smashed his face with a leaping forearm. Takeshita whipped Cutler across the ring, and Cutler tried to reverse it but somehow managed to throw Takeshita directly toward him? Takeshita executed a flying shoulder, but it looked more like a human piano falling on Cutler\u2019s cartoon face.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThat was like Dante Martin (levels of) air born,\u201d Henry exclaimed.<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita executed a DDT on Cutler, and for some reason, Cutler kicked out at two despite looking like he\u2019d fail to kick his way out of a shower curtain.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI really thought that was it,\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI thought that was it,\u201d Wight concurred.<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita attempted a Blue Thunder Bomb, but Cutler countered it by grabbing hold of the referee. Takeshita released Cutler, and instead of running away, Cutler danced some more. Takeshita executed a Blue Thunder Bomb and covered Cutler for a one, two \u2014 OMG! FML! What the hell, man? Cutler kicked out despite looking like a Las Vegas nursing home resident.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIs he too stupid to realize it\u2019s over?\u201d Henry asked.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYes,\u201d Excalibur said. \u201cYes, he is.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Cutler patty-caked Takeshita\u2019s chest, and Takeshita looked totally over it. Takeshita carefully placed each of Cutler\u2019s arms by his side, reached back, and knocked him so hard his face bluescreened. Takeshita hit Cutler with eight forearms, which is eight more forearms than was probably needed.<\/p>\n<p>Cutler grabbed his can of cold spray from the downstage right corner and sprayed Takeshita in the face. Takeshita grabbed his eyes, and Cutler covered him. However, because Cutler weighs less than Nicolas Cage\u2019s wallet, Takeshita easily kicked out. Cutler tried to cover Takeshita a second time, but because he has the muscle of a blobfish, Takeshita kicked out yet again. Cutler tried to go for an inside cradle, but Takeshita has had enough \u201cclown college\u201d for the day and countered Cutler\u2019s rollup with a brainbuster. Takeshita covered Cutler and got a one, two \u2014 SON OF A B****!<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThis is the best match I\u2019ve seen Cutler have,\u201d Henry said. (There\u2019s worse!?) \u201cAnd it\u2019s all because of this guy (Konosuke Takeshita, not Brandon Cutler.).\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Takeshita hit Cutler with a running knee strike. Once more, Takeshita went for the cover, the referee dropped to make the count, and Takeshita got a one, two, three. (Thank God.)<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Takeshita in 5:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: That happened.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>-After the match, an ad for Double or Nothing aired, and its hyperbole was very clearly written by Tony Khan himself.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(4) STEEL CITY BRAWLER vs. TONY NESE (w\/Mark Sterling)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Tony Nese walked out with Mark Sterling, and Mark Sterling had a microphone. (Whoever is responsible for that, I hope they are fired.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGuys, guys, listen!\u201d Sterling said. \u201cI just wanted to introduce you to the hottest (he does have nice abs) free agent (he is not a free agent) in AEW history.\u201d (Punk would like a word.)<\/p>\n<p>They walked to the ring as Sterling babbled on.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhen we got to Pittsburg, we asked them to give us the best Pittsburg has to offer,\u201d Sterling said. \u201cAnd they gave us THIS? The Steel City Brawler?\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The director cut to the Steel City Brawler, and a chyron notes he is making his AEW debut.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cIf this is your state\u2019s standard-bearer, my gosh!\u201d Sterling, who was still talking at us, continued. \u201cAnd that\u2019s the problem. There are plenty of joke acts out here getting opportunities over guys like Tony Nese. (Nese is signed a contract. You are literally his manager.) People here want to chant the name of Tony Nese. They don\u2019t want to chant, \u2018Brawler!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The crowd chanted, \u201cBrawler.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Mark Sterling was wearing a shiny blue suit shark suit, and I now feel dismayed that I have one exactly like it in my dressing room. Makes me want to burn it. (Specifically, the one Sterling is wearing, and while he is wearing it.)<\/p>\n<p>Tony Nese got in The Steel City Brawler\u2019s face and flexed. The Steel City Brawler flexed and pointed toward his bicep. The local crowd cheered. Nese did not cheer; Nese kicked him in the crotch with a spinning back kick. (At least it looked like it hit his crotch.) The Steel City Brawler hit Nese with an elbow, and Nese hit The Steel City Brawler with a punch to the throat.<\/p>\n<p>Nese executed a hotshot stunner, jumped back into the ring, immediately executed a running elbow, and followed that up with seven punches to The Steel City Brawler\u2019s face. (This all happened very quickly.)<\/p>\n<p>Nese kicked The Steel City Brawler\u2019s back twice and punched him in the face once more. Nese then cornered The Steel City Brawler against the turnbuckles and began choking him with his boot. After that, Nese drove a knee into The Steel City Brawler\u2019s midsection. Nese took a break from beating up The Steel City Brawler to mock the crowd.<\/p>\n<p>Sterling was dancing around at ringside with a yellow towel in a most disrespectful manner. The Steel City Brawler tried to use that respite to make a comeback with some headbutts, two clotheslines, and a body avalanche. However, a comeback was not in the cards. (It wasn\u2019t even in the building.) Nese jumped back to his feet, looking like a Greek God swallowed a washboard and floored The Steel City Brawler with a dropkick. Nese followed that up with a Running Nese and got the win.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Nese (w\/Mark Sterling) in 2:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was a squash, but it makes sense. They need to build up Nese so that he has at least a shred of credibility for when their incoming stars initiate themselves by beating him like a drum on Rampage.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Tony Nese \u201cwiped himself\u201d with a yellow towel.<\/p>\n<p><strong>(5) MINORU SUZUKI vs. Q.T. MARSHALL (w\/The Factory)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Q.T. Marshall, the Scrappy Doo of Marshalls, came out first flanked by both members of The Factory &#8211; Aaron Solo and Nick Comoroto.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cQ.T. Marshall and The Factory \u2014 not content to be a pain in the ass here in All Elite Wrestling,\u201d Excalibur said. \u201cThey\u2019ve also taken their show on the road, inflicting themselves on New Japan and New Japan Strong Windy City.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>(I want to see this man get hurt so bad.)<\/p>\n<p>Marshall\u2019s opponent, Minoru Suzuki, came out next. (Sometimes dreams do come true.)<\/p>\n<p>The crowd was super into Suzuki and were on their feet applauding and cheering like Superman himself had just walked out of the face\u2019s tunnel. Suzuki stopped midway down the ramp to take in the fans\u2019 reactions and acknowledge them.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cJust listen to that reaction,\u201d Excalibur said. \u201cOne of the toughest men in our sport.\u201d (Yeah, and he\u2019s about to fight the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man. The real one, not Adam Page.)<\/p>\n<p>Suzuki looked ready for a fight, and Marshall looked very, very white. Suzuki tried to go in for a collar and elbow tie up three times, but each time Marshall shrunk away like the hairless cowardly lion he is. Suzuki insisted Marshall come to the center of the ring, snapping his fingers and pointing \u2014 imploring Marshall to fight him.<\/p>\n<p>Marshall feigned wanting a test of strength, but when Suzuki agreed to it, Marshall kicked him in the gut. (What a cheap vacuum-salesman-looking bastard.) Marshall pounded the back of Suzuki\u2019s neck, and the crowd\u2019s booing was so loud that it interfered with my ability to clearly hear the announcers.<\/p>\n<p>BTW, IDK how much consistent access Khan actually has to Minoru Suzuki, but I hope there is some way for him to capitalize on the fervent enthusiasm AEW fans (and American fans in general) have for Suzuki. At the very least, Suzuki should be high on the card at Forbidden Door. The PPV, not the porno.<\/p>\n<p>Marshall went for a clothesline on Suzuki, but Suzuki countered Marshall with a running boot. Suzuki put Marshall in an armbar, pulled him toward the downstage ropes, stepped through the ropes, and executed an arm wrench over the top rope. Marshall stumbled toward the center of the ring, clutching his annoying-looking arm. Marshall tried to assail Suzuki on the apron, but Suzuki grabbed Marshall\u2019s arm and pulled it over the top rope. Suzuki then hung upside down by Marshall\u2019s arm, applying a cross armbar on the ropes.<\/p>\n<p>Marshall tapped out, but the referee refused to end the match because Marshall was technically grabbing the ropes. Suzuki dragged Marshall (dragging Marshall is fun) out of the ring, punched him in the face, kicked him in the stomach, and chopped him across the chest.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNice chop,\u201d Wight said. \u201cThat just slapped Marshall\u2019s heart right out of his back.\u201d (That or it\u2019ll come out next time he farts.)<\/p>\n<p>Suzuki played the crowd, teasing another chop, but Marshall blocked his chop and punched Suzuki across his shoulder blades. Suzuki punched Marhsall\u2019s Flinstone-looking face and rammed Marshall headfirst into the ring apron. Marshall was literally punch drunk. He staggered in the opposite direction of Suzuki and punched at the air. (That was satisfying to see.)<\/p>\n<p>Suzuki rolled Marshall back into the ring, but as Suzuki tried to enter the ring, Solo grabbed his ankle. The referee spotted this and decided to EJECT BOTH SOLO AND COMOROTO! (OMG, Yasss!)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I\u2019m just surprised a referee actually did something!\u201d Wight declared. \u201cOne of the zebras finally earned his paycheck.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Marshall struck Suzuki with a forearm, but Suzuki no-sold it. (As he should.) Marshall tried again, but Suzuki was busy \u201cHulking-up.\u201d Marshall tried a third time \u2014 nothing. A fourth time \u2014 nada. Marshall then backed up and dared Suzuki to punch him right in the face. (Oh, please do.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYou know,\u201d Wight said, \u201cMinoru Suzuki is somebody that fought Ken Shamrock to a 30-minute time-limit draw.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Suzuki punched Marshall so hard it almost created a national holiday. Marshall didn\u2019t just \u201cfall down.\u201d Oh, no \u2014 Marshall collapsed like a hot air balloon deflating from the inside out. (Hang on. Imma watch that again. Gotta see if It was as satisfying as I thought it was. Okay, I\u2019m back, and the answer is yes. Yes, it was.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHahaha,\u201d Henry laughed. \u201cHe said, \u2018Give me your best shot,\u2019 and he gave him his best shot!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Q.T. Marshall, the only wrestler whose action figure is made out of playdough, slowly returned to his senses. He then crawled his way back to his feet and tried, yet again, to punch Suzuki. Suzuki was still not about to sell for a guy who looks like the floor manager of the hardware section of the last Sears on earth.<\/p>\n<p>Upon being struck a third time, Suzuki roared, and Marshall punched Suzuki in the throat. (That\u2019s Dollar Tree discount bin cheap shotting right there.) Marshall ran the ropes and came back with a clothesline, but Suzuki ducked underneath Marshall\u2019s annoying-looking arm. (Even his limbs annoy me.) Marshall hit Suzuki with a very lucky shot, and Suzuki fell onto the flat of his back. Marshall then covered Suzuki (No.) but only got a two-count. (Yes.)<\/p>\n<p>The crowd cheered Suzuki\u2019s kick out, and Marshall shouted, \u201cShut up!\u201d (Which is pretty much professional wrestling\u2019s equivalent of leading the witness.)<\/p>\n<p>Suzuki applied a rear-naked choke but sadly released it before Marshall passed out. Suzuki smashed Marshall with his forearm and picked Marshall up. He held Marshall vertical for a while as the crowd applauded, and then Suzuki executed a Gotch-style piledriver. Suzuki covered an unconscious Marhsall by merely leaning against him, and the referee counted to three.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Suzuki in 5:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This match was fun. It wasn\u2019t a classic, and unless you\u2019re a big Suzuki fan, I wouldn\u2019t go out of my way to see it. However, for Suzuki fans or Marshall haters, it\u2019s a nice little treat.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(6) VANCE VALOR vs. JOHN SILVER (w\/Brodie Lee Jr.)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>John Silver came out next, followed by a menagerie of human beings. (I know for a fact Dark Order doesn\u2019t have 100 members, and yet it still sort of feels true.) After everyone, and I mean everyone, finished posing on the rampway, John Silver headed to the ring alone \u2014 No. Wait. Brodie Lee Jr. is apparently pulling double duty tonight and accompanying Silver to the ring as well.<\/p>\n<p>Vance Valor was already waiting for Silver in the ring, and the bell rang so quickly that Silver hadn\u2019t even put his jacket in the corner yet. The crowd chanted for John Silver, and both men started things off with a collar and elbow tie-up. Valor shoved Silver backward, and John-Silvered in front of John Silver, mocking him. Silver did not take kindly to this and bumped chests with Valor. Silver then gave Valor a close-up view of what a REAL John-Silvering looks like. (You tell him, Popeye.)<\/p>\n<p>Valor kneed Silver in the stomach, butted Silver in the head, and whipped Silver into the ropes. However, Silver rebounded back toward Valor with a flying forearm. (Nice! I love Silver\u2019s energy. It\u2019s like he just explodes when he\u2019s mad.)<\/p>\n<p>(BTW, a lower third graphic just advertised Serena Deeb vs. Hikaru Shida in a street fight on Dynamite. I wish they were making a big deal out of this because anyone who\u2019s read even a fraction of my overwrought reports knows that I will be so incredibly into that match come Wednesday. If you get a chance, you should check it out. As long as they are given enough time, these two will not disappoint!)<\/p>\n<p>Silver nailed Valor with a clothesline and tossed him into the far left corner. Silver then whipped Valor from that corner to the opposite corner. Silver ran after Valor, but Valor stopped his momentum and leapfrogged over Silver to avoid him. However, he did not avoid Silver for long because the moment he turned around, Silver planted him with a back kick. This caused Valor to fall into the please-619-me position on the middle rope, and Silver connected with a fierce-looking running knee to the back of Vance\u2019s head.<\/p>\n<p>As soon as Silver struck Vance with his knee, he grabbed him and executed a release German suplex. Silver picked up Valor like he weighed less than my boyfriend (sorry, honey), and threw him into an absolute whirlwind of a spinning rack bomb. (Wow.) Silver covered Vance, hooked his leg (which was almost as big as Silver), and got the win!<\/p>\n<p>\u201cMan, I\u2019ve had sneezing fits that lasted longer than that,\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Silver (w\/Brodie Lee Jr.) at 68 seconds<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This was a total squash, so there\u2019s not much to say that I didn\u2019t already say in the report. I feel like John Silver would be better off outside of Dark Order, but obviously, the powers that be don\u2019t feel that way. Besides, who knows if I\u2019m right; I\u2019m just some writer who likes wrestling and got this job against all odds.)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>(7) EMI SAKURA &amp; THE BUNNY &amp; NYLA ROSE (w\/Vickie Guerrero) vs. RUBY SOHO &amp; SKYE BLUE &amp; ANNA JAY (w\/Brodie Lee Jr.)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>(WARNING: I am mildly biased in Emi Sakura\u2019s favor, and I also make a totally normal amount of Vickie Guerrero fanart.)<\/p>\n<p>The majestic aura of Emi Sakura could be seen in the distance as she languidly strolled out of the heels\u2019 tunnel and into the stage lights she so rightly deserves. The only thing that matched the blinding limelight of Sakura\u2019s magnificence was the arrival of fashion icon Vickie Guerrero.<\/p>\n<p>Tonight, Vickie Guerrero was serving some Right To Censor realness with her crisp black button-up featuring an embellished peter pan collar, faceted quarter-shank buttons, and princess seams. Ms. Guerrero paired this Westminster-Dog-Show-ready top with sleek, slim-fit trousers and the pout of a thousand constipated models.<\/p>\n<p>Other people also came out of the tunnel. They looked fine, too.<\/p>\n<p>Once in the ring, The Bunny and Nyla Rose stole a small sliver of Guerrero\u2019s spotlight with spectacular facial expressions rivaled only by the regal condescension of Sakura. Also, Rose has one heck of a shiner under her eye. She seems like a tough competitor, both as a character and IRL.<\/p>\n<p>The next group to come out consisted of Ruby Soho, Skye Blye, Anna Jay, and\u2026 Brodie Lee Jr.? Wow, Brodie Lee Jr. is pulling triple duty tonight. (Do child labor laws apply to wrestling?) (Oh, wait. Didn\u2019t a fourth-grader win the WWE Tag Team Titles, or was that a fever dream?) (I wonder where he is now? I bet the overwhelming burden of his early superstardom caused him to spiral into the life of a hardened criminal.) (NVM, I just checked; he\u2019s fine. He has 21,000 Twitter followers, which worries me a little, but he\u2019s fine.) Anyway, Brodie Lee Jr. was also fine and fist-bumped all three competitors atop the stage.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cTonight\u2019s elevation has been the Negative One show,\u201d Wight said. \u201cHe\u2019s got his face all over TV.\u201d (He wears a mask.)<\/p>\n<p>Once everyone was in the ring, Blue and Sakura started things off with a friendly shove from Sakura. However, Blue was not so friendly, and she shoved Sakura so hard that the stellar athlete actually stumbled into the ropes. When Sakura rebounded back to the middle of the ring, Blue and Sakura immediately entered a furious collar and elbow tie-up.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura went for a waistlock, but before she could apply it, Blue caught her with a snap make takeover. Blue went for a superkick, but Sakura caught hold of her foot and shoved it away from her. Blue used the momentum of that shove to turn all the way around and deliver a spinning back heel kick. With grace and dignity, Sakura frantically crawled to the heels corner and tagged in the first person she could reach. That person was Rose.<\/p>\n<p>Rose ran over Blue with a massive clothesline, and Blue rolled her way into the face\u2019s corner, tagging in Jay, who we\u2019ve previously established is also Lady Legasus. Jay ran at Rose with a passion, and Rose sidewalk slammed her with that same passion. Jay instantly scarpered back to the face\u2019s corner and tagged in Soho. (Yay!) Soho pounded her own chest in defiance of Rose\u2019s intimidating prowess and ran at her competitor like John Silver after seeing spinach.<\/p>\n<p>Rose swung a big clothesline at Soho, but Soho nimbly ducked underneath. Soho slugged Rose with her forearm four times, but Rose seemed unmoved. Soho backed up, ran forward, and planted a forearm into Rose\u2019s chest, but Rose sold less than a walk-through carwash. Frustrated, Soho bounced into the ropes for extra momentum and hit Rose with a running clothesline. Rose did not budge; instead, she roared. Flummoxed and determined to get a reaction, Soho stomped on Rose\u2019s left foot with all her might. Rose bent over, and Soho hit her with a spinning back kick followed by a knee lift. Soho ran the ropes, but Rose caught her by her neck and threw Soho into the downstage right corner with a strength that made it look like gravity went sideways.<\/p>\n<p>Soho hung in the scarecrow position, and Rose attempted a body avalanche, but Soho got her boot up, and Rose ran straight into it. Soho then grabbed the top ropes and attempted her signature Deadly Night Shade, but Rose caught Soho\u2019s legs mid-way through and swung Soho like a pendulum into the turnbuckles.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cRose just used Soho like a battering ram,\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYeah, it\u2019s tough to use that kind of innovative offense,\u201d Wight said as he sent an apology text to Rey Mysterio.<\/p>\n<p>Rose attempted a vertical suplex on Soho, but Soho landed on her feet, escaped Rose\u2019s grasp, and tagged in Blue. Blue ducked a kick from Rose, planted a kick of her own into Rose\u2019s midsection, hammered Rose with six forearms, and nailed Rose with a superkick.<\/p>\n<p>Blue sprinted her way to the top rope, and The Bunny hopped down the apron trail in an attempt to knock Blue off the top rope. However, Blue managed to hold onto her balance and shoved The Bunny to the floor. Blue then leaped off the top rope onto Rose with a diving crossbody, but Rose caught Blue in mid-air. Rose slammed Blue to the mat with a lateral press and covered for a two-count.<\/p>\n<p>Rose pulled Blue up and Biel threw her into the heel team\u2019s corner. Rose tackled Blue with a body avalanche and then choked Blue with her boot. Rose tagged in The Bunny<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCome on, ref,\u201d Henry said. \u201cShe\u2019s choking her.\u201d (Rules in AEW are kind of like ghosts. You get the feeling they\u2019re there, but they\u2019re probably not.)<\/p>\n<p>The Bunny threw Blue into the downstage right corner and proceeded to mud stomp Blue\u2019s chest like it was a peg she couldn\u2019t\u2019 fit.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cThere\u2019s a picture of The Bunny in the dictionary under \u2018problem child,\u2019\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>The Bunny tore Blue from the corner by her hair and stomped on Blue\u2019s foot, screaming at non-existent clouds in the process. The Bunny punched Blue\u2019s skull three more times, screamed again, and then hopped around like Red Riding Hood in a 1950s cartoon.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWe\u2019ve seen this team before,\u201d Excalibur said. \u201cEmi Sakura\u2026 Nyla Rose\u2026 The Bunny\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWell, I would have to say crazy is the glue that sticks it all together; that\u2019s for sure,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHave you ever been kicked in the face by a Chuck Taylor?\u201d Henry asked, disparaging Chuck Taylor\u2019s good name. (Poor Chuck Taylor; everyone\u2019s always walking on him.)<\/p>\n<p>Blue caught The Bunny mid-hop and rolled her up for a quick one-count. The moment The Bunny escaped Blue\u2019s pinning predicament, she fought back with a clothesline and an elbow. The Bunny then literally patted herself on the back before dragging Blue to the heel\u2019s corner. The Bunny then tagged in Sakura.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura and The Bunny double-teamed Blue. Sakura chopped Blue\u2019s chest, The Bunny helped whip Blue into the ropes, Sakura kicked Blue in the stomach, and The Bunny clocked Blue with a running knee strike. Then, magic happened. Sakura began stomping and clapping, and the audience stomped and clapped along until the rhythm of \u201cWe Will Rock You\u201d filled the arena. Sakura then backed up to the soundtrack of the drumming beat, ran forward, and plunged a running crossbody into Blue\u2019s torso.<\/p>\n<p>Sakura covered Blue, but in a show of poor sportsmanship, Blue kicked out. Frustrated by Blue\u2019s lack of gentility, Sakura dragged her to the heel\u2019s corner and tagged The Bunny back into the match. With Blue collapsed against the bottom turnbuckle, Sakura noticed she had something in her hair and pulled Blue\u2019s hair across a portion of the apron to see if she could get it out. However, The Bunny was not as forgiving as Sakura and took advantage of the moment to choke Blue with her boot. The Bunny then put Blue in a wicked bow and arrow stretch, and Wight seemed unnerved by it.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI can\u2019t help it! She scares me,\u201d Wight said. \u201cJust looking at that, my mind\u2019s going to bad places.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Blue wriggled her way out of Bunny\u2019s submission hold, grabbed The Bunny\u2019s arm, and whipped her to the mat with an arm-drag.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cShe\u2019s so mean looking, I\u2019d give her my frequent flyer miles, and I don\u2019t give those up to nobody,\u201d Wight said.<\/p>\n<p>Blue crawled under Bunny\u2019s leg toward the face team\u2019s corner. The Bunny tried to stop her, grabbing at Blue\u2019s foot, but Blue managed to make it to the face\u2019s corner by a hair, but not by a hare. Sorry, Bunny. Blue tagged in Jay.<\/p>\n<p>Jay rudely ran straight across the ring and hit our queen (Sakura) in the face, knocking her off her royal perch and down to the floor. Jay then smashed The Bunny\u2019s face with the back of her elbow, but Bunny popped right back. Jay smashed her elbow into The Bunny\u2019s face a second time, and again, The Bunny got back up \u2014 albeit more slowly.<\/p>\n<p>Jay then took command of Bunny\u2019s entire person and executed a flatliner near the heel\u2019s corner. Blue threw the Bunny into the upstage left corner and nailed her with a running hip attack. Blue followed that up by whipping Bunny into the opposite corner, running toward her, and executing a spinning leg lariat. Jay then reached deep down to pull out everything she\u2019d learned as Lady Legasus and bashed Bunny\u2019s chest with a Dangerous Jay Kick. Before Bunny could do anything to defend herself, Jay slapped on a Queen Slayer chokehold.<\/p>\n<p>The Bunny very well may have tapped, but Rose ran into the ring to make the save, breaking up Jay\u2019s submission hold. Soho was displeased by Rose\u2019s interference and rushed into the ring to keep her away from Jay. Soho grabbed Rose\u2019s arm, pulled it around, and executed a No Future. The impact of Soho\u2019s No Future was enough to send Rose tumbling through the ring goes and down to the floor. Soho stepped onto the apron to go after Rose, and Sakura ran in to valiantly save her friend from someone who wasn\u2019t even the legal woman. However, Soho spotted Sakura and sidestepped her, causing Sakura to inadvertently give Rose a tope suicida.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cWhat a bad spill!\u201d Henry said.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cGood ring awareness by Ruby Soho,\u201d Excalibur said.<\/p>\n<p>Blue jumped off the top rope and to the floor, hitting Sakura and Rose with a flying crossbody. Back in the ring, The Bunny grabbed Jay from behind and went for a cheap cover, and Jay kicked out at two.<\/p>\n<p>The Bunny slammed a kick into Jay\u2019s torso, ran the ropes, came at Jay with a running knee strike, and Jay lurched out of the way. The Bunny staggered forward, and Jay grabbed her from behind, applying her Queen\u2019s Slayer finisher. Jay and The Bunny fell to the mat, and The Bunny tapped out.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Soho &amp; Blue &amp; Jay (w\/Brodie Lee Jr.) in 7:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: This match was very enjoyable for me. I loved the characters involved; Wight and Henry were laugh-out-loud funny on commentary, and this was one of the best outfits I\u2019ve ever seen Vickie Guerrero sport. If you are a fan of any of these women, give this match a go. These women are excellent emoters, and I personally don\u2019t think it\u2019s possible for Guerrero to overact. I know some may disagree with me, and that\u2019s okay. My opinion is no more valuable than theirs, but for me, the more she hams it up, the giddier I feel. )<\/em><\/p>\n<p>&#8211; After the match, Brodie Lee Jr. joined Soho, Blue, and Jay in the ring as Guerrero looked on with the expression of someone who had just tasted buttermilk for the first time.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd there\u2019s \u2018Negative One\u2019 sneaking in for some camera time,\u201d Wight said. \u201cI love it.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>(8) PENTA OSCURO (w\/Alex Abrahantes) vs. MAX CASTER (w\/\u201dBurb-Basket\u201d Anthony Bowens)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>The arena went pitch black, and Penta Oscuro\u2019s music hit. When the lights came up, they were a glowing red, and Penta stepped out from behind a slate gray tombstone. Alex Abrahantes joined him onstage dressed as a demonic druid, and they walked to the ring together, carrying a shovel and a demented-looking thurible.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cNow, what happened to Alex Abrahantes?\u201d Wight asked. \u201cHe became an evil war priest or something?\u201d (Don\u2019t be daft! He\u2019s clearly possessed by the souls left behind whenever a pop-up Halloween store disappears.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201c\u2026 and Max Caster!\u201d Roberts exclaimed.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBoo,\u201d Henry actually said out loud.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cListen! Yo, listen,\u201d Caster threatened the public peace. \u201cWe\u2019re The Acclaimed nobody here stopping us. Why is Penta hanging out with Count Chocula\u201d (OMG, that doesn\u2019t even rhyme.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBurb-basket\u201d Anthony Bowens came out with a demeanor that can only be described as putting the f*** into f***boy. It\u2019s like he heard the song \u201cScrubs\u201d and spent the rest of his life bragging about how TLC wrote a song about him.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cYour look is not great. You\u2019re two grown men going through a God phase.\u201d (\u201cGreat\u201d and \u201cphase\u201d do not rhyme! It\u2019s not even a near-rhyme. Rhymezone wouldn\u2019t even add it to their rec-list.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cBurb-basket\u201d Bowens was literally bobbing his head to this like there was music involved. And by the way, \u201cBurb-basket\u201d Bowens really needs to consider ditching the nickname I gave him; it is not flattering. (Also, his boyfriend is super-hot, which makes me super-jealous, and therefore, the nickname will continue.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cAnd Pittsburg, you got to stop,\u201d Caster continued ruining words. \u201cSome of y\u2019all are voting for Dr. Oz.\u201d (I highly doubt that\u2019s true. I mean, who would vote for a B-list TV personality who says controversial things, has zero political experience, and touts conspiracy theories?)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cHey, Penta, I heard you\u2019re pequeno.\u201d (Can he say that on TV?) \u201cYour name is short for pendejo.\u201d (I guess he can.)<\/p>\n<p>At that last barb, Penta heatedly jumped onto the apron to stop Caster from continuing, which is a good thing because every time Max Caster sings, an angel cuts off its wings. (That\u2019s a rhyme. That is what rhyming is. You are an affront to artists everywhere, and I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.)<\/p>\n<p>Bowens, who is somehow the less offensive one in the duo, grabbed Caster\u2019s microphone and informed the audience, \u201cTHE ACCLAIMED HAVE ARRRIIIIVVVEED.\u201d (Cool.)<\/p>\n<p>Caster slithered his Rue21-looking ass into the ring, and Penta stepped back. (You just know he reaks of ten-dollar cologne.)<\/p>\n<p>The bell rang, and Caster hopped up and down like a fratboy who mistook a Red Bull for beer. The crowd started chanting, and Penta pointed to them. Caster stopped hopping and listened to the chants with the confused expression of a man who had hot for brains. I mean, snot! Snot for brains. I meant to say snot. (Dammit.)<\/p>\n<p>Penta shoved his signature hand gesture in Caster\u2019s petty face. (Oof. That word was a close one.) Caster kicked Penta in the stomach, and I believe he yelled something to the effect of, \u201cHand signs are meant for The Acclaimed.\u201d (I hope your memories stain Penta\u2019s fists forever.)<\/p>\n<p>Penta and Caster ran the ropes. Caster swung a clothesline, but Penta ducked underneath it. Caster turned to take a second swipe, and Penta superkicked the ever-loving crap out of Caster\u2019s jaw. (I think I saw some memories fly out!)<\/p>\n<p>Penta then went for a hurricanrana, but something went wrong. (I\u2019m not sure what went wrong or who made a mistake. It might have been random luck, but Penta fell flat on his back halfway through the maneuver. Caster, however, sold it like it was executed perfectly and threw himself through the ring ropes to the floor.)<\/p>\n<p>Penta went for a suicide dive, but when his back hit the upstage ring ropes, \u201cDouche-dumpster\u201d Bowens tripped Penta, and then he made a hot face like he was all \u201cupset\u201d that it happened. Wait. No. I meant to say fraught! He made a fraught face. It was fraught. (Dammit.)<\/p>\n<p>Caster jumped at the chance to take advantage of Penta\u2019s disposition and began stomping his torso with vulture-adjacent excitement.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCaster has no mercy to go along with no fear,\u201d Excalibur said. (You left out no talent. He has no musical talent, which is important to emphasize in case kids are watching.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCaster\u2019s conditioning,\u201d Wight said. \u201cHe\u2019s really changed how he trains \u2014 how he diets \u2014 he\u2019s in probably the best shape I\u2019ve ever seen him in.\u201d (NO, HE\u2019S HOT!) (I mean not! He is not!) (DAMMIT!) (I hate this.)<\/p>\n<p>Caster slammed a decidedly NOT hot elbow into Penta\u2019s face, and our hero, Penta, fell to the mat. Caster covered Penta, but Penta kicked out. (He didn\u2019t even hook the leg. He is such an arrogant piece of\u2026 God. He is like Bieber, but worse.) Caster stood and backed away from Penta as Penta pulled himself into the scarecrow position.<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, Bowens, of the burp-basket family, turned to face the audience with his arms thrown out wide, looking all proud of himself like Randy Orton did every time he achieved a dump in someone\u2019s gym bag. (I\u2019m assuming.)<\/p>\n<p>Back in the ring, Caster slammed an unforgiving forearm into Penta\u2019s far more talented face. Caster then whipped Penta across the ring, and Penta crashed into the turnbuckles so hard they clattered. Caster bolted toward Penta, but Penta saw him coming and superkicked Caster with jaw-dropping believability. (Or\u2026 maybe I just want to believe. IDK. I\u2019m like that X-Files poster.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI don\u2019t know why the kids are doing it these days,\u201d Wight said, referring to the Kinesio tape on Caster\u2019s ailing shoulder. \u201cMaybe they\u2019re doing it for flavor or color, but if it\u2019s for an injury, the last thing you want to do is point it out.\u201d (I can\u2019t help but double-take at Max Caster being called a kid. That seems so strange to me. Caster is a 32-years-old man. I mean, I assume. IDK his actual age because I\u2019m not his fan, but his actual age is 32, and that\u2019s pretty much middle-aged. You\u2019re right about the tape, though!)<\/p>\n<p>Caster attempted a Cazadora on Penta, and Penta rolled through, jumped onto the ropes, springboarded off the ropes, and landed a picture-perfect crossbody onto \u201cClown-Crapper\u201d Max Caster. Caster swung a clothesline at Penta, but Penta ducked, bounced off the ropes, and landed a picture-perfect slingblade to topple \u201cCrapeze-Artist\u201d Max Caster with a running slingblade. Then, for good measure, and to make sure all the fire was out of the dumpster, Penta hit one more fantastic sling blade.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI love to see Penta hit that slingblade!\u201d Wight said. \u201cThat\u2019s one of my favorite moves Penta does.\u201d (This cannot be said enough.)<\/p>\n<p>Penta covered Caster, hooked Caster\u2019s legs, and yet, somehow, someway, with the unfettered determination of a hack writer armed with lukewarm parentheticals, Caster managed to kick out at two. (Crud.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cCrud-Cluster\u201d Max Caster tried to escape on all fours, but Penta captured him and draped him across the stage left ring ropes. Penta told the crowd to \u201cShhhh!\u201d and prepared for a chop. (I\u2019m going to devour this moment.) Penta chopped Caster\u2019s chest so hard his unborn children felt it. (That was a delicious moment indeed.)<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI wish I could wrestle like Penta,\u201d Wight lamented. \u201cI\u2019m sure AEW wishes I could wrestle like Penta.\u201d (Being sincere for a moment \u2014 You were unbelievable in your heyday, and no amount of aging will ever take that legacy away from you.)<\/p>\n<p>Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Caster hit a backbreaker on Penta, and Penta was down in a bad way. Caster covered him but was only able to score a two-count.<\/p>\n<p>Caster sat Penta on the top rope, mounted the middle rope, and rained down a monsoon of fists over Penta\u2019s head. Penta ducked underneath Caster\u2019s legs, spun around, and superkicked Caster into a tree-of-woe-like position. With Caster prone and vulnerable, Penta made his way to the top rope and leaped off, drubbing Caster\u2019s chest with a double-stomp. Penta covered Caster but only got a two-count.<\/p>\n<p>Penta began to set Caster up for his finisher, and Bowens, a man who probably thinks Applebees is fine dining, distracted Penta by fingering himself in public with that super gross scissors thing they do.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cOh, he\u2019s talking about making it weird,\u201d Wight observed with pinpoint accuracy.<\/p>\n<p>Penta moved to throw Bowens off the apron, which was all the distraction Caster needed to capitalize. Caster walloped Penta across the bridge of his neck with a backhanded chop, tucked Penta\u2019s head under his arm, and lifted Penta into an inside-out suplex. Caster covered Penta, the referee dropped to the mat, and counted to \u2014 it was just two! Penta is still in this! Holy crap!<\/p>\n<p>Penta got to his feet, but Bowens reached over the rope and grabbed Penta from behind. Bowens nailed him with\u2026 wait\u2026 no\u2026 he didn\u2019t nail him with anything at all. OMG! He\u2019s trying to rip off Penta\u2019s mask! That burp-basket pendejo! Pent fought Bowens with every last ounce of his strength, holding onto his mask \u2014holding onto his DIGNITY!<\/p>\n<p>Bowens continued to tear at the well-designed fabric with tastefully placed micro-sequins, and just as Caster ran toward him, Penta got in a lucky shot and freed himself. Penta then moved to superkick Caster, but Caster ducked, and Penta\u2019s superkick missed Caster entirely and\u2026 YES! Finally! Penta superkick knocked that no-good, cold-hearted, mask-ripping, f***boy-worthy-of every-f***boy-song-Olivia-Rodrigo-ever wrote off of the apron and down to the floor where he belongs and shall remain forever and ever, amen!<\/p>\n<p>Caster carried on without an ounce of concern for his partner because that is what people like him do. You go to a nice bar as friends, looking for drinks that snap and music that slaps, and then he meets a girl\u2026 and LEAVES you. And when I say leaves you, I mean, in the dust \u2014 He doesn\u2019t say, \u201cGoodbye.\u201d He doesn\u2019t say, \u201cI\u2019d like you to meet Sidney.\u201d He doesn\u2019t say, \u201cCan I borrow your keys?\u201d When the lights come back on at 3 a.m., you\u2019re car is gone, and Liam is dead to you.<\/p>\n<p>Where were? Oh yeah, the match. In this scenario, Caster is Liam, and I hope Penta ruins his life for the purpose of throwaway a Snapchat story.<\/p>\n<p>Penta forced Caster to the mat and dug his knees into Caster\u2019s back. Penta pounded away at Caster\u2019s ribs before taking control of Caster\u2019s arm and executing his Sacrifice finisher to get the win and a throwaway Snapchat story.<\/p>\n<p>WINNER: Penta (w\/Alex Abrahantes) in 7:00<\/p>\n<p><em>(David\u2019s Analysis: Okay, forgive me because I\u2019m gonna break character for a second and speak kindly of Caster and Bowens. I really, really wish they wouldn\u2019t have Max Caster lose quite so much. For all my incessant dragging of The Acclaimed, Caster &amp; Bowens are brilliant heels and have an astronomically bright future \u2014 however, the even brightest light only shines bright if you turn it on. Sure, it\u2019s disgusting to think of these two winning with such hatable of a gimmick, but I don\u2019t want to see their talent wasted. I want to see \u201cBurb-basket\u201d Bowens and \u201cClown-cart\u201d Caster get their \u201cdouche-dumpster\u201d faces pulverized at the very highest of heights. As for the match, it was very good, but of course it was. It was Penta vs. Caster)<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>FINAL THOUGHTS:<\/strong> Once again, AEW delivered another good episode of Dark Elevation. One thing that\u2019s really helped AEW\u2019s streak of good Elevations lately is the slightly increased match length. It\u2019s amazing how an extra minute or two can make a big difference, but surprisingly, it can. If you only have time to watch one match this week, I\u2019d recommend checking out Soho &amp; Blue &amp; Jay vs. Sakura &amp; Rose &amp; The Bunny. If you have time to watch two matches, give Max Caster vs. Penta Oscuro a look. And, if you have time for just one more match, check out Kris Statlander vs. Julia Hart. That last one is not a clinic or anything, but it\u2019s a great window into how their characters are evolving for the better.<\/p>\n<p>Thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate it. And as always, I\u2019m still working on my sign-off, but until next week, remember, as I said in the beginning, don\u2019t give people advice about places you\u2019ve never been. That\u2019s a minister\u2019s job.<\/p>\n<div class=\"pwtor-end-article-groups pwtor-entity-placement\" id=\"pwtor-185590455\"><div id=\"pwtor-1167456809\"><div align=\"center\" data-freestar-ad=\"__336x280\" id=\"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\">\r\n  <script data-cfasync=\"false\" type=\"text\/javascript\">\r\n    freestar.config.enabled_slots.push({ placementName: \"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\", slotId: \"pwtorchcom_medrec_3\" });\r\n  <\/script>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\nTHANK YOU FOR VISITING<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div class=\"mh-excerpt\"><p>AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT APRIL 25, 2022 TAPED 4\/20 IN PITTSBURG, PA. AIRED ON YOUTUBE.COM REPORT BY DAVID BRYANT, PWTORCH CONTRIBUTOR Commentators: Excalibur &amp; Paul Wight &amp; Mark Henry Ring Announcer: Justin Roberts &#8211; Thank <a class=\"mh-excerpt-more\" href=\"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/2022\/04\/28\/4-26-aew-dark-elevation-report-bryants-report-on\/\" title=\"4\/26 AEW DARK ELEVATION REPORT: Bryant\u2019s report on Wight and Henry&#8217;s banter, hatred for The Acclaimed, love for Vickie Guerrero, Statlander&#8217;s new character, more\">[&#8230;]<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":117696,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","podmotor_file_id":"","podmotor_episode_id":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","filesize_raw":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","itunes_episode_number":"","itunes_title":"","itunes_season_number":"","itunes_episode_type":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6423,6438,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-138647","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aew-dark","category-aew-tv-reports","category-tvshowsandevents"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-content\/uploads\/post\/2021\/04\/AEW-Dark-Elevation-TV-Logo_3x2.png","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/138647","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=138647"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/138647\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":138649,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/138647\/revisions\/138649"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/117696"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=138647"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=138647"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.pwtorch.com\/site\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=138647"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}