By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch columnist

Mojo Mitchell's On-Going Stream Of TNA's Poorly Named Final Resolution

The show starts as Lance Hoyt (Christie Hemme) & Jimmy Rave - The Rock'n'Rave Connection (ugh) face Hernandez & Homicide – LAX. The crowd is hot. The match is decent. Hernandez pins Rave with a Razor's Edge from the top rope. "He just caught a bump." Someone smartened up Don West. The former Arial, who was dressed like a boy, no-sells Christie Hemme's nut shot then helps chase Rock'n'Rave away.

"That, ladies and gentlemen, is a reveal," Mike Tenay simpers.

You know how when you're sober and you watch drink people around a table and they're laughing at their own jokes, how funny that is? Well, that's about how funny James Storm, Jackie, and Eric Young are here. What's the story with all the drunks in this promotion? This is part one of DCS (Drinking Championship Series), by the way.

"A.J. Styles - the world awaits your decision!" some girl demands (crystal)– For god's sake give it a rest already. Tomko yells at him, but AJ says he'll tell us "Sooner or later." Whatever, dude.

Black Reign faces Kaz, who wins a twisting DDT thing over the washed-up Rhodes. Please, TNA, buy the guy a plastic body suit that fits. Kaz steals Rhodes' rat. I remember when Brian Pillman did the same thing.

Jeremy Borash overacts his concerns about A.J.'s decisions, wondering whether he'll join "us." Much like other sensible people Kurt Angle points out that there is no "us," that Borash is an interviewer. Karen Angle says she'll handle it, which means she'll offer to have sex with Styles in exchange for him joining The Angle Alliance, except she won't.

Gail Kim defends her TNA Knockouts title against Awesome Kong in a NO DQ match. This has some real heat, as the spunky little Kim fights back over and over against the dominating Kong. This is as basic as pro wrestling gets, and it's working here. Kim uses a plastic coke bottle to attack Kong in the crowd. Maybe TNA heard about the concussions. They fight through the crowd, but it's more than the typical "walk and brawl." This is getting pretty darned good. Ref Slick Johnson counts a two and a half count on Kim. Kong gets mad and Awesome Bombs him. She attacks him with a chair. Kim grabs the chair and gives her two unprotected chair shots to the head. I guess they didn't. Ref Rudy Charles runs down. Kong catches Kim in a choke-slam but again, somehow, Kim, kicks out. Kong gets up to Awesome Bomb Charles but Kim rolls her up and Charles somehow counts to three. There's a big fight with security and the other Knockouts running in to separate Kim and Kong.

Great scene, great match, even the ref bumps worked, but the chairs shots were sickening.

JB follows around Karen Angle. She goes into the bathroom and offers to "relieve" AJ Styles if he makes the right decision tonight, and they're plenty more where that came from."

He says, "Deal" and she gets started. No, no, no, A.J. just asks J.B. if she really likes him.

Crystal asks Father James Mitchell if he will reveal The Secret tonight. No, that's Chris (Abyss) who will do that. You know, it's not a secret if no one wants to know it.

Abyss faces Judas Messias. They wrestle for a while then FJM brings down what appears to be a doctor's bag to ringside with him. Pills? In response, Abyss quite logically pulls a chairs wrapped in barbed wire from under the ring to show to the referee. Messias crunches Abyss with a chair shot. Somehow Abyss Black Hole Slams Messias, but the stupid ref wanders over to chat with Mitchell. More nonsense, then Abyss gets pinned.

Mitchell demands Kane tell the secret, then pulls out a gasoline can. Messiah pours the gas all over Kane. Paul Bearer tries to let him on fire but security stops him. This was a bunch of crap, you know, the kind of thing that makes you proud to be a wrestling fan. I wonder if Vince Russo even bothers to go to church anymore.

Crystal asks Kevin Nash if he's mad about how Samoa Joe showed him up last month. Nash no-sells it because he's cool. He's going to do what he always does, - put asses in seats, win championships and makes lots of money. Well, he's two-thirds right. Crystal wants to go out with him, he's so cool.

Booker T @&Sharmell face Robert Roode & Ms. Brooks. As usual in Roode matches, everything slows down so he can bicker with Brooks. The men wrestle, then Ms. Brooks won't slap Booker. Why not? Anyway she and Sharmell roll around for a while. Roode jumps Booker. Ms. Brooks rolls up Sharmell but she kicks out. Brooks bonks heads with Roode and gets pinned.

Roode yells at Brooks, who attacks him, then tries to escape. He grabs her, when in the spirit of Sisterhood, Sharmell comes from behind to save her. Roode feels someone on his back, punches Sharmell and knocks her cold. She sells the punch like a champ.

Booker T makes the big eyes. Mike Tenay says Roode must have thought, "it was a ref," which is one of the many problems with this place. He and West steal Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler's quiet-talking so you know it's real shtick.

James Storm loses Round Two of DCS when he pisses in his pants and Jackie smells it. No, really.

The Motor City Machine Guns & Jay Lethal face Team 3D & Johnny Devine in an Ultimate X match. After the X Division busts their ass actually wrestling Devon and Bubba make fun of how stupid the X Division is by jumping from the mat to grab Lethal's title belt hung above the ring, giving each other boosts, and on and on. A whole bunch of stuff happens after that and Team 3D wins, to the shame of cruiserweights everywhere.

Let's take this little break to say: Aaaargh!

OK, we're back.

A.J. Styles & Tomko defend the TNA tag titles against Samoa Joe & Kevin Nash. This is good when Styles & Joe are in, OK when Tomko and Nash are. Nash is trying. Inevitably, Nash walks out on Joe after Joe was double-teamed and needed a tag for showing him up last month when Scott Hall no-showed. That tells you something. From then it's booked the right way. Joe makes some comebacks but the two tag champs are too much for one man and pin Joe clean.

Samoa Joe vs. Kevin Nash ought to be a match for the books, not that it will ever happen.

James Storm wins the DCS.

Borash tells Kurt Angle that his wife tried to seduce A. J. Styles. He mocks Borash for the way he looks at her, then laughs and tells Christian he'll win their title match. Something's wrong with Kurt Angle's left eye.

Kurt Angle defends the TNA title against Christian, just to kill time until A.J. Styles makes his much anticuipated decision about which guy he's going to stooge for. Guaranteed he interferes for one guy but accidentally on purpose screws the other guy and the gripping drama continues. At least it's a good match while we're all waiting.

Then the stupid stuff (re-) starts. Karen comes down to bicker with the man who drew almost 1,000 fans apiece to two TNA shows in Canada, referee Earl Hebner. Christian has Angle in the ankle lock and he's tapping. Appears, and in a remarkable example of booking restraint, AJ Styles only teases he's with Christian once, then leaps from top rope to free Angle and reverse him into pinning Christian. I guess Mrs. Angle is doing him later tonight and Jeremy Borash will be there with a camera crew.

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