By Wade Keller, Torch editor

TORCH VIP EMAIL EXPRESS -- KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT 10/1/07

KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
OCTOBER 1, 2007
LIVE FROM CLEVELAND, OHIO

WHAT HAPPENED: HOUR ONE

-After the Raw opening, they cut to the arena as pyro blasted and the camera panned the fans holding up signs and yelling. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduced the show and hyped the first-ever meeting between John Cena and Mr. Kennedy.

-They cut to the ring where three jobbers stood. Then Vince McMahon stepped out onto the stage as his intro music played and headed to the ring. He stood center-ring with the wireless mic in hand and talked about tonight's main event. He said it's "worthy of headlining WrestleMania." He then introduced an invisible Triple H in one corner, followed by a ring announcement for himself. He said to those who are wondering what the outcome will be, he guarantees them that the ring announcer will say, "The winner of the match, Mr. McMahon." A music video played of Vince in-ring highlights. Back at the ring Vince said the three wrestlers in the ring were champions in various fighting styles - amateur wrestling, karate, and (the fat guy) sumo wrestling (Ohio's state champion, nonetheless!). He said he'd demonstrate his prowess against them, but as they were about to fight and Vince bragged about taking on all three at once, Vince stopped and introduced Umaga as his surrogate.

Umaga made his "return" to Raw after his suspension. Umaga attacked all three, who bumped like the Horsemen taking Dusty Rhodes bionic elbows.

[Commercial Break]

1 -- PAUL LONDON & BRIAN KENDRICK & JEFF HARDY vs. LANCE CADE & TREVOR MURDOCH & SHELTON BENJAMIN

The screen crawler announced that "The Condemned" was "the no. 1 action DVD in America." Kendrick took a beating, then hot-tagged Hardy at 2:00. Suddenly, as Hardy was climbing to the top rope, London was seen on the left edge of the screen doing a running flip onto Benjamin at ringside. Kendrick then gave Cade his Sliced Bread, leading to Hardy hitting the Swanton for the win. Lawler said it was too much for him to keep up with. Ross said they were quicker than a hiccup.

WINNERS: Hardy & London & Kendrick in 4:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

-Backstage, Vince McMahon interrupted a William Regal cell phone call and welcomed him back. He said Coach was a little under the weather this week. He congratulated him on his matchmaking skills. Regal bragged about John Cena vs. Mr. Kennedy. I enjoy how making matches like that is treated on Raw as some sort of heavy-lifting achievement instead of just saying, "You and you are wrestling tonight." McMahon then assigned Regal the task of looking after his son. Hornswoggle then appeared laughing. Seconds later he was gone and Regal panicked and began looking for him, including in ridiculous (but funny) places like under the couch cushion or behind a picture on the wall.

-A clip aired of Randy Orton kicking Cena's father's in the head five weeks ago.

[Commercial Break]

-They showed Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler on camera at ringside. Lawler was wearing a Cleveland Indians jersey. Ross asked Orton why he wasn't in the arena tonight. Orton was shown "via satellite from Chicago, Ill." He said he is waiting in Chicago for Cena because he doesn't want to be around Cena given his current state of mind. Orton said he enjoyed what he did to Cena's father soo much, he wanted to watch it again. The clip aired again. Orton said he did what he did for a reason. He said at Unforgiven, Mr. Cena wanted to get involved in his match, so he got involved in his business. He said he's in Chicago because it's not to his advantage to be there in Cleveland. He asked Cena if he has his strategy set. He reminded him that it's a Last Man Standing match and he'll do whatever it takes to become the new WWE Champion.

-Some nice scenes aired of the scene outside of the arena including the stadium for the Cleveland Indians. They also showed some Indian's sitting in the front row.

-A Diva Search 2007 video aired. This was obstacle course week. The women, in order to assure maximum agility and minimal wind resistance, wore as little as possible. One threw a Frisbee at a cutout of Triple H and hit him right in the nuts. They did jumping jacks, jumping rope, hoola hoops, and a big slide into a pool of water. Based on that, while I won't reveal anything publicly, helped cement who is most deserving of the Diva title and an eventual WWE Women's Title run.

-Regal searched backstage for Hornswoggle. He bumped into the Highlanders. He asked if they saw Hornswoggle. They said nope. He also asked them why they turned down a match tonight against London & Kendrick. They said they want a tag title match only. This is a creative way to stage a wrestling promo without it seeming to be staged (in the sense that the camera was following Regal around when he happened to bump into the Highlanders, rather than the Highlanders being "scheduled" to cut a promo in front of some set).

[Commercial Break]

2 -- CODY RHODES vs. HARDCORE HOLLY

A clip aired before the match of Holly beating Cody clean. They also cut to a rare wideshot from the upper deck of the arena, which they should do more often. They always did that back in the 1980s WWF Superstars/SNME era and it gave the show a big-time feeling. They've tended to stick with the same camera angles for years and its grown too familiar and stale. Lawler wondered why Cody wanted a rematch. Ross said because he's a competitive kid. Cody got some near falls early with a backslide and small package. Hardcore fired back with a hard chop. Holly caught Cody and slammed him hard with his Alabama Slam for another quick clean win.

WINNER: Holly in 2:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- Good while it lasted, but it didn't last long enough to give any sense that Cody is a credible rookie.

-Lawler and Ross hyped the two big main event matches, which unfortunately for WWE led to a 3.2 rating - one of the worst in years all things considered.

-Beth Phoenix walked out and said she is the Glamazon, which means she's just as beautiful as she is dangerous. She said it's also just a matter of time before she becomes champion. She said it's just a formality that she has to wrestle Sunday to win the title. She asked Lillian to practice announcing her as the new champion. Lillian did so, but then added, "That's assuming you beat Candice Michelle on Sunday." Beth grabbed Lillian by her wrist and asked her if she'll be able to promote her album release next week if she has a crushed throat. Candice made the save and knocked Beth out of the ring with a flying hard clothesline. Ross seemed more irritated by Lawler's idiosyncrasies this week than usual, such as his gushing over the divas.

-They showed Triple H warming up backstage.

[Commercial Break]

3 -- VINCE MCMAHON vs. TRIPLE H

Lillian had trouble with the ring introduction because of Beth's attack minutes earlier, coughing mid-announcement. A clip aired of Triple H hitting Umaga with his sledgehammer a month ago. Then Triple H's ring intro took place. McMahon yelled, "Enough of that showboating crap! Let's get it on."

WHAT HAPPENED: HOUR TWO

Vince called for a referee to come out. Then out walked Carlito in a ref shirt. Ross expressed scepticism that Carlito would be a fair-minded official. Carlito checked Hunter's boots thoroughly for foreign objects. Vince slapped Triple H while using carlito as a shield. The bell rang, at which point Vince immediately took cover between the ropes. Hunter chased McMahon out of and back into the ring, then Vince rolled out again. Hunter finally caught him at ringside and threw him into the announce table. Carlito scolded Hunter and told him to respect him. Hunter threw Vince back into the ring. Carlito shoved Hunter. Hunter shoved Carlito. Carlito gave Hunter the backstabber just as Hunter was about to give Vince the Pedigree. Carlito then helped Vince cover Hunter, but Hunter kicked out at one. Vince choked Hunter and then punched him. Hunter gave Vince a low-blow, then punched Carlito. Hunter mounted Vince and punched him as Carlito called for the bell. Ross declared that's two weeks in a row that Mr. McMahon had defeated The Game.

WINNER: McMahon in 4:00.

STAR RATING: n/a

-Umaga came out to stop Hunter from beating on Vince any longer. They had a slugfest. Umaga pummelled Hunter, but on a whip off the ropes, Hunter kicked him. Umaga no-sold it and a subsequent two clotheslines. Umaga then set up a Samoan Drop, but Hunter escaped and hit a DDT. Umaga connected seconds later with a sidekick and a butt splash in the corner. Carlito took a final cheap shot, clotheslining Hunter over the top rope. Carlito then ran from Umaga in fear. Umaga made "silly savage noises." Hunter recovered and grabbed his sledgehammer equalizer. Umaga looked at it curiously, then pounded his chest and rolled out of the ring.

-Another plug for Cena vs. Kennedy.

[Commercial Break]

-Santino Marella and Maria walked to the ring for "Marella at the Movies." They went to another nice wideshot of the arena. He said he would review the no. 1 action movie out today, "The Condemned." He said the fans are worse than his uncle's monkey. Maria said she likes Stone Cold and thought the movie was a lot of fun. Santino said, "Yes, if like smashing your brain in a mallet, it was fun." He said the real tragedy is the movie could have been something special, but you need a real star - a true, true star with charisma, someone the camera just a'loves, somebody like Santino Marella. He then cut to clips from "The Condemned" of Austin's fight scene. Santino then stood in front of a blue screen and lectured Austin about violence and acting. He said he's sure there's a job for him somewhere at a dinner theater or star in a "Saved by the Bell" movie. Val Venis interrupted Santino. Val talked about his days in movies. Santino said he's familiar with what he did to the donkey in the "Shrek" remake. He said he's starring in the sequel to "Mr. Woodcock" and he invited Maria to co-star. Val asked Maria to star in his movie or the movie based on Santino's love-making skills, "Super Bad." Santino attacked Val, stomping on his left leg, then driving his knee into the mat.

-Todd Grisham interviewed John Cena backstage. He said "some people say" he hasn't been himself lately and "they say" he may have lost his match already psychologically. Cena said "they" say a lot of things. He said they're creepy and always talking about stuff, like "Cena sucks" and "It's Randy's time" and "You have naked pictures of Umaga on your website." He said the last part is completely true as he stared at Grisham. He said "they" know deep down that No Mercy is his time. He then got serious and looked intensely into the camera and vowed to get revenge against Orton. He said when all the cards are down and the weight of the world is on his shoulders, he is one man who will always deliver and never quit. The final minute is one of those promos that inspires kids and makes them want to wear his t-shirt but also doesn't "cater to kids" in a way that turns away the adult viewers.

[Commercial Break]

4 -- MELINA vs. MICKIE JAMES

Ross got upset with Lawler again; it's fun when they bicker, especially when it seems Ross is really ticked off at Lawler. This was loud, intense, and short. Mickie won with a roll-up just as Hornswoggle peered over the ring apron at Melina. Melina ran under the ring to chase after him after the match. Lawler said excitedly, "What do you think is happening under there, J.R.?" Hornswoggle came out from under the ring with Melina's outfit in his hand. He celebrated in the ring with it. He realized he only had the top. He ran back under the ring and came back out with her bottom, but not before some screams came from under the ring. Lawler said he had to go under the ring to make sure Melina was okay. That was a good line. She poked her head out from under the ring and told Hornswoggle to give her her clothes back.

WINNER: Mickie James in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4*

[Commercial Break]

-Regal scolded Hornswoggle backstage for stealing Melina's clothes. He said, "You keep messing with these women's clothes, you'll go blind, you know?" Dr. Steve O walked in and said he is looking for some wussies to turn into men. That distracted Regal long enough for Hornswoggle to run away. Regal sat on the couch and inspected the garments.

-They cut to ringside to where Lawler of all people was rolling his eyes. Yeah, like he didn't really do what Regal was doing, but off-camera after the show. Lawler suggested Regal lock Hornswoggle in the glove compartment of his limo. Ross shook his head at that. His expression was classic. Ross and Lawler then ran down the No Mercy line-up.

-Steve O approached Ron Simmons backstage. Steve O said he thinks he can toughen up Simmons. Steve O threw him through a door, then said "Damn!"

-John Cena came out to his music. Ross asked, "How many more times are we going to see the champ with the WWE Title?" Little did he know.

[Commercial Break]

5 -- JOHN CENA vs. MR. KENNEDY

Ross ripped on Mr. Kennedy, whose apparent official WWE character description is: self-centered, arrogant, self-absorbed, conceited. Lawler sarcastically told him not to sugar coat his feelings about him. Kennedy introduced himself on the drop mic. He said, "What better way to make a statement here on Monday Night Raw than to take out the top dog. And what better man to commit such an act than Miiiissstterrr Kennnnnedy! Kennedy!" Man. In retrospect, that's pretty crazy. They did not-oft-seen-these-days leapfrog spot with Kennedy running the ropes hard and Cena leaping over him twice. It was cool to watch, but you do have to turn your suspension of disbelief up high. Cena began favoring his right arm early in the match after a hard armdrag takedown. He threw a left jab of all things which, no surprise, looked better than his usual rights. Kennedy had to work around the injury with chokes and stomps. He rolled out of the ring where Kennedy followed. Kennedy threw Cena into the ring steps. Cena blocked it with his left arm, then they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

Cena continued to wrestle with one-arm, taking a DDT with just one arm to protect him, followed by a two count. Kennedy applied a chinlock as Cena had anything but a cartoonish look of concern. Cena tried to push out with his left arm, but not his right arm. It's so weird to watch this match and have the announcers ignore the obvious arm injury which could have just been a storyline built into the match; instead, because it was real, it was ignored. Cena dropped Kennedy with a drop toe hold and then applied a terrible STFU which Kennedy tapped out of. Ross said, "Kennedy quickly, smartly taps to the STFU."

WINNER: Cena via STFU in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Good while it lasted considering the circumstances, but the STFU was really weak looking.

-Cena then looked at the ref with concern and explained what was going on. Orton then came in and gave him an RKO. The ref and Cena quickly told Orton to take it easy on the right arm. Orton, having to think on his feet, just stalked Cena without doing any more damage, which certainly wasn't the plan. It made Orton seem merciful. Cena carefully, delicately rolled out of the ring. Orton just let him go, then he lifted the steel steps and rammed Cena in the head with them. Good audible, as Cena was able to stagger and fall backward onto the mat. Ross said Orton, who was quite restrained actually, was being relentless. Orton cleared the announce table as Ross asked, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Orton hit Cena with the monitor. Ross yelled, "Stop it! You're going to tear his head off!" Instead of selling a PPV match, this turned into another Legend Killer segment. Orton gave Cena an RKO on the top of the table. Orton then got in Cena's face and yelled, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!" The show ended with Cena lying wincing in (real) pain on the floor. During the replay, Ross finally acknowledged that it looked like Cena suffered a shoulder injury earlier during the match against Kennedy. Ross asked if there was any way Cena could survive Sunday on No Mercy on PPV.

-Simmons threw Steve O through a door again as a way to introduce his new show, "Dr. Steve O."

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