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TV Reports
KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 9/27: Devon sells a tamborine, Judas uses a cardboard box as weapon Oct 3, 2007 - 11:45:14 PM
-After clips of a lot of TNA wrestlers beating each other up in rapid-fire seizure-inducing clips, they went backstage to James Mitchell and Judas Messias being interviewed by Jeremy Borash. Mitchell said he hears that Sting wants their blood. He said it's fine with them because they'll extract a gallon of his blood for every drop of theirs. He said he will spray like a sprinkler. He said if he wants war, that works for them, but it'll be on their terms. "We'll be waiting, Sting, if you dare," he closed.
-The TNA Impact opening aired, which includes Pacman Jones. Mike Tenay introduced the show with an indoor voice, previewing Sting's revenge and a TNA Knockouts (read: Divas) contest. Don West raised things to an outdoor voice.
1 -- TEAM 3D vs. SONJAY DUTT & SHARK BOY
Dutt smiled and threw flower petals around and Shark Boy chewed on innocent children's legs. Tenay and West said Team 3D is treating the match as a joke. West said Shark and Sonjay have a lot of heart. Shark Boy hit Devon's ass as Brother Ray laughed uproariously. Shark Boy bit Ray's ass, which changed Ray's expression. He jumped to the floor looking hurt and embarrassed. Ray and Devon argued and shoved each other. Shark Boy dropkicked from the top rope. Sonjay offered to shake Ray's hand. Sonjay kissed his hand. Ray sneered. Then seemed to like it. Devon yelled at him to beat up Sonjay. Sonjay smiled and offered another handshake. This time, Ray teased kissing him, then did kiss him. Sonjay jumped up and down like Hornswoggle. Ray punched him. Shark Boy hit Ray with Sonjay's tambourine which Devon, unfortunately, sold like it was a sledgehammer shot. Sonjay and Shark superplex Ray. Sonjay then spread Ray's legs as Shark Boy climbed to the top rope and hit the diving headbutt. That move is less realistic than the tambourine shot because in reality, Ray would be throwing up and not return to the ring. Devon stopped the "fun" by attacking both Shark Boy and Sonjay. Ray was suddenly okay from the headbutt to his testicular region (read into that what you will) and executed a perfect 3D with Devon for the pin on the Shark. After the match, Ray held a chair to Shark's throat. Devon was about to smash the chair with his own chair, driving it into Shark's throat and killing him, when Shark scurried away. Devon threw a chair at him instead as Sonjay consoled Shark.
WINNERS: Team 3D in 5:00.
STAR RATING: 3/4*
-Borash said that in an unprecedented move, TNA management is letting fans decide whether Kurt Angle vs. Sting should have an automatic rematch clause or if it should be one match only. VKM then jumped into the picture. B.G. said they aren't there to answer questions; they're there to make a statement. He said he and Kip are tired of taking a backseat to any Tom, Dick, and Harry that comes through TNA. "Just 'cause you can do a backflip don't mean you're a professional wrestler. Hell, I take dumps bigger than most of you boys," he said, He then told the fans they're marks because they think they know something, but they really don't. He gave the camera the finger which was digitized. Kip said he'd glad to see B.G. is pissed off. He said, "We are superstars and you are not." He said, "See, all the fun and games are over. No more pullin' down the pants." Huh? Like, really, huh? Who's been pulling down who's pants in TNA for fun and games? What episode of TNA Today was that? There are so many reasons that was just, like, the worst TV segment of the year. For one, it gave TV time to tired, stale acts with almost nothing left to offer in this type of role. Two, it again showed TNA's creative's willingless to disparage one of the aces up their sleeve - the X Division. Three, they can't wrestle good matches. Four, Kip.
[Commercial Break]
-Borash was searching for Sting in the catwalk area. Has TNA updated viewers who weren't watching Nitro ten years ago why Sting, who's been shown to be a regular guy with a wife and young kids, hangs out in the rafters?
2 -- JIMMY RAVE & LANCE HOYT (w/Christy Hemme) vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin)
Tenay talked during ring intros about how Kip is usually the volatile one, but B.G. was the more upset and vulgar and angry of the two this week. Shelley opened against Rave. Tenay talked about how Rave was returning to TNA four years away and noted his four tours of Japan's Dragon's Gate promotion this year. No mention of ROH, of course. He also said Rave is just 24 years old, but an eight year pro already.
WINNERS: MCMGs in 5:00 after a double enzuigiri on Hoyt.
STAR RATING: *1/4 -- Short, but a lot of athleticism at a good pace. A breath of fresh air to see the wrestling be the star of a five minute stretch on TNA, not corny comedy, dated Monday Night War era promos, or convoluted angles.
-After the match, Team 3D attacked the MCMGs after the match. As Devon reached for a table under the ring, pointed out by a screaming West, they cut to a break. That got a "D'YO-MY-GAHHHH!" out of West.
[Commercial Break]
-After the break, Team 3D powerbombed Shelley onto Sabin through a table in the ring. Shark Boy attempted a save, but Team 3D pounded a chair across his throat.
-Borash said there is no sign of Sting backstage.
-Tenay and West plugged the expansion of Impact next week. West then plugged Playboy's Girls' Next Door" featuring TNA's Leticia. Tenay then plugged Bound for Glory briefly.
3 -- MS. BROOKS (w/Robert Roode) vs. MISS JACKIE MOORE (w/James Storm) vs. ROXXI LAVEAUX (w/VKM) vs. CHRISTY HEMME (w/Jimmy Rave, Lance Hoyt) vs. GAIL KIM (w/Chris Harris) -- TNA Knockouts Match
Tenay said the winner of the match will take a big step toward becoming the first TNA Knockout Champion as the winner gets the tenth and final entrance slot in the gauntlet for the title at Bound for Glory. Christy went for her split-legged drive, which West said is the FFG - Flying Firecrotch Guillotine. Kim hit a missile dropkick on Jackie for a near fall. Jackie set up Hemme for a superplex, but Kim broke it up and climbed up. The other two executed a Tower of Doom powerbomb at 4:00. Storm and Harris got into it at ringside. Then Hoyt and Rave joined in the brawl. Gail head scissored Roxxi off the top rope. Kip entered the ring. Kim slapped him. Roxxi, though, gave Kim her Voo Doo Slam for the win.
WINNER: Roxxi in 7:00.
STAR RATING: * -- Total chaos, but hardly boring.
[Commercial Break]
-A video featured aired on the Christian-Samoa Joe feud.
-A vignette aired on Judas Messias and James Mitchell, hyping the scheduled Judas-Abyss match.
-Sting surprised Mitchell and Abyss with a sneak attack backstage. They broke a bunch of silly looking flimsy props backstage that just happened to lying around. They hit each other with plastic lawn chairs, cardboard boxes, and other such apparatus.
[Commercial Break]
-After the break, Sting hit Judas with a trash can and a chair across his skull. He followed up with a fire extinguisher. Judas was driven to the ring by the foam spray. Judas went for a dropkick (which doesn't exactly fit his character) and missed. Sting applied a Sharpshooter. Kurt Angle ran out and attacked Sting. Judas and Angle stomped away at Sting. Rhino and eventually Abyss made the save to end the show.
-A music video highlight package closed the show.
WHAT WORKED:
-Good to see Shelley & Sabin get extended (for Impact, that is) ring time, showing what they can do against fellow ROH alum Rave.
-Brother Ray was sorta funny with his reactions to Dutt. It's a total underutilization of Dutt by putting him on Shark Boy's level as a comedy jobber, but they made the best of the circumstances.
-James Mitchell's delivery was strong as usual.
-The women's match had a lot of crazy spots that satisfy part of TNA's target demo. It's better than watching them play beach volleyball like the Diva Search contestants on Raw.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK
-The Kip & B.G. promo felt like the tenth time in the last couple years we've seen them "reset" their characters and cut a 1997-based promo.
-No promos from Christian and Kurt Angle? That's rare. Or even Samoa Joe. There was no shortage of big TNA names that didn't get TV time. But since it allowed Shelley, Sabin, and Rave some TV time, it was worth it.
-Those flimsy, lame objects used by Sting and Judas in their brawl. A WCW Uncensored flashback - and that's a really bad thing. Oh, and then we had Devon selling a shot to the head with a tamborine earlier. That's be the worst thing in the world if you were really hung over, but Devon looked ridiculous selling it like he did.
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