By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
OCTOBER 4, 2007
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

WHAT HAPPENED: FIRST HOUR

-The James Earl Jones soundalike began: "Anything of substance has humble beginnings." The screen first showed Jeff Jarrett, then Kurt Angle revealing himself by removing his hood, then Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, Rhino (Rhino?!?!), and then images of the first TNA event. Clips aired of a very young, thinner A.J. Styles, Ken Shamrock, and the obligatory Jarrett hitting Hulk Hogan with a guitar. Then came Sting and a very young, thinner looking Raven (wow, has he ever changed), Abyss, Scott Steiner, blurry shots of various wrestlers doing moves, and then the Jones-sound-alike talked about persevering "because the spirit refused to become enslaved to mortal fears and limitations." Who writes this empty hyperbole nonsense? I mean, if don't really listen, it sounds monumentally important and impressive, but when you actually listen to what's said, it's like reading word magnets off your friend's refrigerator randomly if they got the pretentious words set and mixed it with the inspirational words set. Their collective soul, by the way, is one of yearning, forged by youthful ambition, tempered with enduring echoes of experience. They mixed in some of TNA's huge spots that meant nothing because there were too many of them, out of context, with no follow up, in matches that had long titles but empty souls. See, now they've got me doing it. The video ended with the warning that a brave new world was about to unfold.

-A new TNA Impact opening montage aired, basically a remix of the old with wrestlers appearing to break through glass. It also seemed shorter. Then Mike Tenay introduced fans to a new era of TNA. He hyped the in-ring Impact debut of Pacman Jones teaming with Ron Killings against Team 3D, plus an eight-man tag team war.

1 -- BLACK REIGN vs. RHINO

Reign came out first with his pet rat. Rhino charged to the ring next. Then they cut to footage of the debut of Judas Mesiah and Rhino backing him down with a chair. We have no idea why Rhino and Reign have been matched against each other or what's at stake. This was the "two names drawn out of a hat" type of TV match-up. The crowd was worked up and Rhino and Reign began the match in third gear with intense, fast exchanges. West talked about how Dustin Rhodes wouldn't associate with James Mitchell, but as his alter-ego, he's right down Mitchell's alley. He said it's a match made in heaven. Did I miss the episode or forget when Mitchell and Reign formed an alliance? As soon as Reign settled into a chinlock, they cut backstage to Raven sitting in a chair in full costume in blue light. What's up with Raven? Stay tuned through the break to find out. This first segment was representative of so much of what is exhausting about watching Impact.

[Commercial Break]

Rhino suplexed Reign coming out of the break. Tenay moved into a plug for Bound for Glory. Raven made his way to ringside and kneeled, then tripped Reign. Rhino punched away at Raven, then schoolboyed a charging Reign for the win. Afterward, Rhino stomped away at Raven in the corner; Reign attacked Rhino from behind. Raven joined in and held Rhino as Reign set up a top rope move. Abyss's music played and out he walked onto the stage and down the rampway. Reign and Raven stopped what they were doing and waited for Abyss to enter the ring. They bumped for him. Rhino got up and knocked Raven into the crowd. Mitchell entered the ring and went after Abyss. Abyss turned and Mitchell begged off. Havok went after Abyss. Abyss slammed him. Abyss then set up a chokeslam on Mitchell. Reign hit Abyss with his spike. West said it's the most brutal weapon he's ever seen. As Reign about to use it, the lights went out and Sting's music played. The lights came on and Sting attacked Abyss. As Sting celebrated, they went to Kurt Angle on the big screen standing on a high school football field. He asked him if he was ready for some football because if he is, he'll be right back after a word from their sponsor. Sting stared in wonderment (thinking, "Didn't this exact same thing happen to me last year?").

WINNER: Rhino in 8:00.

STAR RATING: * -- The match was just a small part of a discouraging first 20 minutes of the all-new 100 percent more Impact version of TNA. It was like they took the parodies of what people thought would be the most ridiculous way to open the show, and then said, "We can top that." I can't even begin to tell you what the main point was of that segment, but I can tell you that they squeezed in around 12 and nothing stuck. Again, exciting in the sense that something was always happening, but not emotionally gripping or compelling.

[Commercial Break]

-Back to Angle at the football field. He said it was a great day for football. He said he couldn't be at the Impact Zone because he had family business to tend to - "more specifically, your family." He told Sting if he had a son he'd never miss any of his football games. He said he's going to sit and cheer on his son Garrett. "When he grows up, is he going to slap other people's wives like you do? I'll ask him after the game," said Angle. Sting said he would kill him if he laid a hand on his son. Yep, kill him.

-Jeremy Borash plugged TNA Mobile. Black Machismo and Sonjay Dutt interrupted. Machismo cut a promo on facing Christopher Daniels at Bound for Glory. He said then Liberace will come out and then something about falling and not getting up - more '80s references. Dutt told Machismo to share, then put his hat and glasses on Borash. Team 3D, inspired by Triple H last week on Raw, attacked them for no reason. At least they're heels, unlike Triple H. West said they've decided they're going to wreak havoc on everyone until they get their tag team title shot. They dragged and tossed Dutt and Machismo to the ring where they beat 'em up like jobbers some more. It sounded like the crowd was chanting "We Want Sable," which would be totally appropriate since the wrestlers getting pushes in this company peaked during Sable's WWF run. Shark Boy attempted a save, but Team 3D crushed him. Then Ray gave Dutt a second rope powerbomb followed by slamming Machismo through a table. Ray said this will keep happening until someone gives them a title shot. Please, someone give them a title shot, already!

-Sting barged into the production truck and yelled at the director for airing the live satellite feed. Sting said, "It's all about the ratings (to you)!" He saw the live feed and wanted a headset.

[Commercial Break]

-Back in the truck, Sting told Angle if he lays a hand on his son, he'll do something he'll regret. They showed Angle saying he never said anything about laying a hand on anyone. "You're the one who slaps other people's family members," he said. Then he added, ironically, "You called the police to have me arrested." He said he's just there to sign autographs and cheer on Garrett.

-Tenay and West reacted briefly, then promoted the debut of Mr. Ratings Pacman Jones and his in-ring debut and the eight-man tag. Then they quickly shifted to promoting the TNA Knockouts match at Bound for Glory. Then they went to a video interview with Kristal.

-Robert Roode told Kristal to shut up so he could talk. He said Robert Roode is a multi-million dollar business. He said he hired a p.r. firm. He said everybody wants to know where he got his money. He said it came from his grandfather. He said things will change in TNA because he's sick of seeing the same old people like Sting and Samoa Joe. Ms. Brooks stared him down. Roode asked her what her problem is. She said, "Robert, you and I, where are we?" He told her that he's the boss and she's the employee. He told her if she wants to leave, quit. She said her mother is sick so she needs the money. At least they provided some explanation for why she stays with the jerk, although they chose the most cliched reason imaginable to explain it. Leticia barged in and wanted her job back. She and Kristal began shoving each other. That is the first example of the type of extended extras viewers get as part of the two hour format. In that segment, they managed to get in three different storylines: Roode wanting to make an impact and get rid of the same old people; (b) Ms. Brooks wanting out but needing the money; (c) Leticia and Kristal arguing.

2 -- JACKIE MOORE vs. GAIL KIM

A minute into the match, Roxxi, Kip, and B.G. James walked to ringside. They almost made it two minutes into a match without anything except the story being told in the ring being the focus. Tenay then shifted immediately from the new uninvited guests at ringside to a plug for the eight-man tag team TV main event. Then out walked Christy Hemme with Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave. Then immediately they cut to a split screen of Pacman & Killings getting prepped backstage, then Team 3D. You couldn't write a parody of this show this ridiculous and have it be funny because it would seem too far-fetched. It really is ADD wrestling in the sense that it feels like the bookers and producers have a remote control in their head that just goes haywire constantly with channel flips and an attention span of three to five seconds. Tenay pushed the two hour format as Kim finished off Moore for the win. After the match, Roxxi attacked Kim. Christy joined in. Kim escaped to the floor. The three heel women got into a fight for two seconds before they cut backstage. This all was meant to promote the TNA Knockout match at Bound for Glory.

WINNER: Kim in 3:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2*

-Backstage, Jeremy Borash interviewed Jim Cornette in his office. Cornette said he's tired of Team 3D winning and crying, so he's giving them a tag title match. He said, though, that what goes around comes around. Borash asked what he meant. Cornette said he should stick around to find out. Sting barged in, making sure viewers didn't have even a full second to contemplate what Cornette said, and grabbed Cornette by the lapels and demanded to know who put Angle on the air. Cornette noticed on the monitor in his office that Angle was back. They immediately cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

-Back to Angle in El Cajon, Calif. Angle said he was Howard Cossell (way to cater to the 40-plus demo) and called the game. He said his friend Larry, the guy he sent there to take care of his problem would be walking with a limp from now on. So Sting had time to send a tough guy friend to the game to guard his family within the last 35 minutes and Angle already had time to put him in an anklelock and return to the bleachers looking no worse for wear? Sting screamed, tipped over Cornette's desk, and yelled, "I'm gonna kill you!!!!"

3 -- PACMAN JONES & RON KILLINGS vs. TEAM 3D

So, Pacman was scheduled to debut in a match. No opponents were named. And tag team title matches are so prestigious, Cornette put this together with three minutes notice to the participants and in the process rewarded, rather than punished, Team 3D for beating up several wrestlers earlier in the show including driving one of them through a table. That's the definition on many levels of horrible booking. Cornette must really need the money and must be taking heavy blood pressure medication to get through this. At 2:00 Pacman tagged into the match. West said it was the first time ever that the tag team champion had stepped into the ring on Impact. He took off his shirt. Ray taunted Pacman with a football. Ray shove3d it into his gut, but lightly enough not to violate Pacman's contract. Pacman leapfrogged Ray. That's technically not contact, but it is risky. Ankle sprains have happened from much less. Ray threw a football at Pacman. It bounced off of Pacman. Ray said, "You can't even catch." Pacman threw a football at Ray. Ray charged him. Pacman sidestepped him, then ducked a charging Devon, then ducked Ray and tagged in Killings. Pacman is one tough dude! He ducks a few punches and then tags out to his partner. You can see why he's so over and has become Mr. Ratings. Pacman held Ray's legs apart and Killings hit a top rope legdrop to his crotch. When Ray brought a chair into the ring, Killings kicked it into his face. Jones then grabbed the chair. Ray begged off. VKM ran to ringside and yanked Killings out of the ring. The ref called for the bell. Team 3D double-teamed Killings. Scott & Rick Steiner charged to the ring to their music. VKM fled. Tenay yelled, "They're back in TNA!" Did they ever leave?

WINNERS: No contest (??) in 8:00.

STAR RATING: 3/4* - They find creative ways to "involve" Pacman without violating his contract, but in the process of being so clever, they make him look like a total wuss. The number of things they tried to get across in that final minute was right on par with the rest of the show.

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

[Commercial Break]

(Like any well-thought-out, carefully produced two-hour debut, Impact made sure the start of the second hour was a full commercial break.)

-Borash interviewed Raven backstage, who was sitting on a stairwell with his head hung. "They say that Raven's epitaph should read, 'For all his vaunted genius, he wasn't smart enough to stay past his expiration date. They say I'm washed up. Well, that's what they said about Funk in 1982 when he retired and again in 1985. By his fifth or sixth retirement, he came out and challenged and beat me for the ECW World Heavyweight Title." He said the lesson he learned was to let the Joes and Christians and Kurts beat each other up, then he's swoop in and pick them apart like vultures. He said when he gets himself back into shape, he wants to face Rhino and Abyss. He said they're each reckless and barbaric enough to have a nice little match with him. Abyss walked up to him, grunted, and said, "Let's make it Monster's Baaaahhhhllll! And bring Black Reign with you."

4 -- JAMES STORM vs. KAZ

Storm and Kaz started one-on-one. Tenay plugged the "Fight for the Right Inside Out Battle Royal to Earn a TNA Title Shot." I couldn't make that up. This match, Royal Rumble style, featured regular battle royal rules, just so our heads with explode, and everyone two minutes a new wrestler entered until, of course, the rules change when it comes down to two wrestlers at which point pinfalls and submissions take place. Roode came out third. Tenay said he was just informed that Cornette banned the women representing the men from being at ringside. Petey Williams was fourth, then Eric Young, Jimmy Rave, and Chris Sabin. Mr. Brooks walked out. This week she's a sympathetic figure, given her sick mother and all, so she's not the Flotation Floozy. Alex Shelley joined next. He and Sabin eliminated Rave, whom we know absolutely nothing about other than he was in Japan a lot in recent years. Lance Hoyt entered next and got a bunch of "battle royal big man spots" against the smaller wrestlers. Sabin got eliminated on a double-team attempt with Shelley against Hoyt. Chris Harris joined the match next. They cut to a break at 15:00.

[Commercial Break]

Kaz flirted with Brooks at ringside. The final two were Storm and Young, so they had a basic match which of course will last much less time than a true regular match for no good reason. Sure enough, Young scored a fluke leverage pin on Storm in the midst of reversing a sleeper.

WINNER: Young in 22:00.

STAR RATING: 1/2* -- If something was at stake in this match, I didn't pick up on it. Tenay did say this helps Young's confidence headed into Fight for the Right at Bound for Glory.

-Tenay and West were shown on camera. They plugged the eight-man tag match. Then they went to a clip of Christian Cage, A.J. Styles, and Tyson Tomko backstage before the show. Tomko told Christian he's headed to Japan to defend his tag title belt with his unnamed partner. Christian said Styles is staying with him, then told Tomko to bring him back some chopsticks.

[Commercial Break]

-A video aired hyping Ultimate X. Various X Division wrestlers talked about the challenges of participating in that match. They didn't have personalities, they just talked about the match and taking chances and ignoring pain.

-Back to Angle at the football game. He told another fan that Garrett's father slapped his wife. Angle said he's going to give Garrett a congratulatory slap on the ass after the game, but "don't worry, I'm going to do it in private." That sounds just wrong. Angle said Sting would be able to witness everything. Even more wrong.

-Tenay and West plugged Joe vs. Christian with Matt Morgan as the special ref. Then they went to a video package promoting that match. More gibberish from the James Earl Jones soundalike.

5 -- LAX & SAMOA JOE & JUNIOR FATU vs. A.J. STYLES & CHRISTIAN CAGE & SENSHI & CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (w/Elix Skipper)

They used some corny-ass graphics for the names of Samoa Joe and Junior Fatu. With 20 minutes left in the show, the main event began. Tenay said Sting's son's football game is just about over, and they'd be joining Angle at the game later in the show. Homicide did a flip dive onto several at ringside. At 4:00 they cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

At 10:00 Homicide hot-tagged Joe. An eight-way brawl broke out in the ring. Joe hit Christian with a flying forearm at ringside. In the ring, Fatu butt splashed Daniels and Senshi, then gave Daniels a stink face. Styles saved Senshi with a flying clothesline off the top rope. Homicide backdropped Styles to the floor. It settled to Joe vs. Christian, with Joe applying the rear naked choke. Daniels broke it up from behind with an eye rake. More chaos followed with Hernandez diving over the top rope onto Styles. Back in the ring, Joe set up a Muscle Buster on Christian. Senshi blocked it. Christian dropped Joe with an inverted DDT. Senshi went for a Warrior's War top rope stomp, but Joe moved. Fatu piledrove an interfering Skipper. Senshi kicked Christian off the top rope by mistake. Joe hit Senshi with a high roundhouse kick, then finished him with a Muscle Buster for the win.

WINNERS: Joe & Fatu & LAX in 15:00.

STAR RATING: **1/4 -- The crowd was chanting "This is awesome!" at the chaos of big spots at the end. It was "exciting" throughout, but didn't really make any kind of statement or accomplish anything, and it was an undisciplined mess of moves posing as a match. It got 15 minutes, but with eight wrestlers, that wasn't enough.

-Back to Angle at the football game. Angle said it's been a long day and his son had an amazing game, including 16 solo tackles. They showed Sting watching back at the Impact Zone backstage. Angle said he's doing this because he wants to bring the old Sting back with fire, passion, and a no-quit attitude. He said the way to bring him back is to do what he's about to do. He chased down Sting's son, who ran to his car. Garrett shoved his car door into Angle. Angle fought back and grabbed him, then said he'd leave the rest to Sting's imagination. He shoved the camera to end the show.

-A music video of highlights from the show then aired.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Really bad show. It just is. TNA won't get why or they wouldn't have produced this mess. But it was an overbooked, busy cluster of undisciplined action and booking cliches out of any meaningful context. It felt more like a self-parody than a serious attempt to build to money matches. The Sting-Angle saga was heavy-handed and corny. Not one other thing really stood out as being more important than anything else. The flow of the show was just scattershot and character development was terrible for the most part.

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