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Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 8.5 - Our scheduled main event for the evening is a Bound for Glory rematch in Kurt Angle vs. Sting for the World Title.

Borash is in the back with the Angles. Kurt says he hasn't shaved all week, despite the fact that he's baby-faced. He sees Nash and goes over to apologize, and presents him with an autographed picture signed to his "BFF". Kurt seems very excited that he knows teenybopper lingo, which is kind of funny. They work in a couple gratuitous references to the NWO before Nash says that he looks forward to watching Sting beat Kurt later.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 9.0 - Kevin Nash being pivotal to the World Title scene and hints of possible NWO action? That makes for high anticipation.

[Opening Credits]

VKM's music hits.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 7.5 - This is not how I would kick off a show.

AJ Styles, Tomko, and LAX make their way down to the ring.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 8.5 - This is.

LAX & The Steiner Bros. defeat AJ Styles, Tomko, & VKM

The match starts with Styles and Homicide, and I'm pleased. Tenay announces that next week's main event will be LAX's tag team title shot, thus continuing the trend of PPV quality anchor matches on free TV. For some reason Styles and Homicide both tag out, and I'm sad. Scott hits his usual cool spots, and we get a brief big man brawl between Hernandez and Tomko that culminates with Hernandez hitting a remarkably high drop kick.

[Commercial Break]

Homicide is in a bad way, but is able to make a tag as we come back from the break. Hernandez enters the ring with a slingshot double shoulder block, which would be a fairly impressive move even if were done by a cruiserweight. The Voodoo Queen spits something in Hernandez's face, allowing Kip James to hit the Fame-Asser, but Hernandez sort of rolls out at 2 in a comically blasé manner. Meanwhile, a mysterious masked man dressed as a member of the Latino Nation hands Homicide a blackjack, which is used to pick up the win.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 8.5 - The match was nothing special, but I'll never complain about LAX picking up a win.

Crystal is in the back with Sting, who expresses his continued displeasure with the fact that Angle attacked his son.

The Angles are in the back, and Karen points out that Sting is worse than an angry wrestler-he's a pissed off parent. Their only hope was Kevin Nash, and Kurt pissed him off too. Kurt decides the thing to do is to have Karen seduce Nash, on the grounds that the only things he understands are money and sex and Kurt isn't going to waste a single penny (there's a funny implication there about the monetary value of his wife). Karen thinks it's a dumb plan, and wonders what she should do if Nash does go for it, but Kurt seems willing to ignore that if it helps him get back his title. She's still less than convinced, but he threatens to cut her money in half. That was a surprisingly interesting promo with the Angles.

James Storm comes down to the ring for his Fight for the Right Tournament match.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 9.0 - Surprisingly interesting character interactions in the back, and an Eric Young vs. James Storm match coming up? Sweet.

[Commercial Break]

James Storm (w/Jackie Moore) defeats Eric Young

This is a pretty fun, fast paced contest. The crowd seems to be mostly back behind Eric Young, though not quite with the same ardor as they had a year ago. The finish comes when Storm accidentally clotheslines Jackie, and when Eric Young takes the time to check on her he eats a Superkick for his troubles. Jackie tries to offer Young a beer after the match, but is pulled away by Storm. However, she talks with him (Storm) on the ramp and seems to convince him that maybe EY isn't such a bad guy after all, and so he tosses him the beer back in the ring. That was a somewhat unexpected post-match interaction-it's nice to see heels act like normal people now and then.

Karen tries to seduce Kevin in the back, and I have to say she seems a lot better at it than do the usual WWE divas in their traditionally stilted deductions. Kevin's not having it though, as she's still an Angle.

[Commercial Break]

They air a video of Tenay interviewing Team 3D. They say that they were robbed of the Tag Titles and will wreak havoc till they get their belts back. They question why the X Division gets serious attention when it brings nothing to the table. They're going to destroy it because they can.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 9.5 - The Nash interactions are priceless, and I like 3D a whole lot more now that they're heel.

Sonjay Dutt, Shark Boy, Havok, and Petey Williams fight to a No Contest

Shark Boy gets an entrance but Petey Williams doesn't. Try to figure that one out. They hit a bunch of their usual awesome spots, including a slingshot Hurricanrana to the outside, a vaulting body press, and an Asai Moonsault. When all four men are lying prone after that last one, Team 3D comes out and beats up all of them. Havok and Petey get powerbombed through tables.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 8.5 - I like the concept of this feud, but showing the interview immediately before this match just reminded me of how it had to end, and the beat down went on a bit long.

[Commercial Break]

Robert Roode reveals that he took out Samoa Joe last week to eliminate the biggest dog from the Fight for the Right Tournament. Err…if I were trying to win a tournament, ticking off a vicious Samoan while simultaneously insuring that he has nothing to lose by seeking revenge is not a route I would be likely to take.

Kurt Angle (w/Karen Angle) defeats (?) Sting

Tenay calls this the biggest match in the history of Impact, and if that's not true it's mighty close to it. They do the full set of in-ring introductions, which gives the match a nice big feel.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 9.5 - This should be awesome.

They start off with some old fashioned wrestling, with Sting largely in control. It's a slow pace to start, so you just know we're setting in for a nice long match. Nash makes his way down to ringside and takes a seat.

[Commercial Break]

Angle's in control, having taken advantage when Sting was distracted by Kevin on the outside. However, when Angle took Sting outside the ring Nash backed away rather than interfering. There's some brawling on the outside, and Sting gets knocked into Nash, whom he slugs on instinct. The match picks up when they get back into the ring, culminating in a sequence of attempted finishers featuring no less than six reversals.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 9.8 This match started slow but has just built up a full head of steam…

Sting locks in the Scoprion Death Lock, but Nash goes up on the apron. Sting goes to attack him, and in so doing takes out the referee. Kurt capitalizes on the distraction and nails the Angle slam, but there's no ref. He waves for another one to come down, and Earl Hebner arrives just in time to make the three count…wait, what????

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 4.5 - What the hell just happened? Sting got distracted, then got hit with one Angle slam and was pinned several seconds later? No one gets pinned by the Angle Slam! And no one gets pinned after waiting for another referee to come down. I mean if it had been the culmination of a 35-minute brawl that might have been one thing, but nope-we just have a new champion out of nowhere. And the match was just starting to get good. As a fun factoid, this means that in the 3 years since TNA started having monthly PPV's, the winner at Bound for Glory, the alleged culmination of a year of wrestling, has never held the title for longer than a month. In fact in two out of three years the face champion has lost the title back to the heel he defeated at BFG on an episode of Impact that aired exactly 11 days later. I wonder if we're supposed to remember that.

Nash tries to congratulate Kurt, but Angle just flicks him off. There are referees in the ring fighting about the decision, and Cornette comes down to create some order. Uh oh.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 3.5 - Holding up a title decision is not cool-I'll have more details on why below.

[Commercial Break]

Tenay and West are irate that Cornette isn't overturning the decision, despite the fact that Angle didn't actually, y'know, do anything wrong. Come to think of it, that match might have had one of the cleanest finishes we've seen in an Impact title match in a while. Cornette, meanwhile, dramatically announces that he'll think about it and get back to us later. Tenay accosts him on his way up the ramp, and Cornette snaps at him.

Awesome Kong defeats Angel Williams

Kong comes down to the ring with a picture of Gail Kim, and then it's just a squash by one woman we've barely seen of another woman we don't care about at all. Tenay is brooding through the first part of the match, and then announces that he'll go back to tell Cornette why he should strip Angle of the title for winning it cleanly. This leaves us with West alone on commentary for the whole squash.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 1.0 - This can't get any worse.

We cut to the back where Abyss is trashing Black Reign's area, when Reign ambushes him, tapes his hands, puts his head in a vice, and then puts the rat on his face.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 0.0 - Apparently the real world is sometimes cartoon-like in its ability to find ways to disappoint you ever more. This might have been the worst segment in the history of Impact.

[Commercial Break]

Nash is in the back, and he wants Angle in the ring. Cornette blows him off, saying he has to figure out the title situation first. Nash is golden as always.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 1.0 - And so begins the long road to recovery.

Junior Fatu defeats Robert Roode (w/Ms. Brooks)

Mercifully, Christian Cage comes down to help out on commentary. He brings a ladder with him for the second week in a row, suggesting that there's actually a purpose to it after all. Fatu and Roode actually have a nice wrestling match; it might be the first time in his TNA tenure that Roode was the faster man in a match. I'm still nor entirely sold on Robert Roode, but he does seem to be improving every week. Junior Fatu is Junior Fatu-the king of happy-go-lucky fun-loving wrestling and fat-man offense.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 2.0 - This is going well, but who even cares anymore?

[Commercial Break]

There's some decent action, leading to a ref bump in the corner. Fatu knocks Roode back to the same corner and then hits a double Stink Face. He's back to putting some stank on it by pulling up the tights, which is a nice touch (unless you're the wrestler on the receiving end, or even someone in the front row). Roode nails a low blow and signals for Ms. Brooks to hand him the chair on which she's sitting. When she hesitates, he just tosses her off of it. However, Samoa Joe then runs out and nails him with the chair, much to the surprise of people who haven't been paying any attention at all. Fatu nails the Rikishi Driver for the win.

Nash chases down Kurt in the back, who jumps into his car and drives off. Karen, left behind, just decides to make a run for it.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 3.0 - That was a fun match, and Kurt driving off without his wife was moderately amusing.

Cornette's in the ring, and states that he has reached the decision that since Angle didn't cheat and Nash didn't actually interfere he's just going to have to let the decision stand (crazy, no?). He does say that he's thinking of overturning the decision just because the finish sucked so much, but sadly I just made that part up. Instead he says that to punish Kurt for, um, something, he'll have to defend the title at Genesis in a tag match, with Kurt Angle & Kevin Nash vs. Sting and a partner of his choosing. Sting comes out for no particular reason.

Daniel's Impact Happiness meter: 0.5 - We dragged out the finish of a title match just so we could announce a random tag team match for the World Title, which would seem like an especially original gimmick if we hadn't just done something almost exactly like it in July.

Where We've Been:

Wrestling is all about moments. We all know the rush you get when your favorite wrestler's music hits after a long hiatus, or when months of build-up erupt in a sudden outbreak of hostilities or a face turn. I think one of the reasons entrance music is so important is that it takes what would otherwise be a gradual realization that a certain performer is making his way into the ring and transforms it into a single exciting instant in which that performer is about to come down. The fundamental moment of wrestling, however, is the hand coming down for a 3 count, especially in a title match. To drag out the ending to such a match is to deprive the viewer of what is traditionally one of the most exciting moments in wrestling-the instant of realization that you're seeing a title switch-and replace it with something much less energizing-the gradual coming to appreciate that there is a title change happening. Even the traditional fake finishes are done in moments-there's a moment where a title change happens, and then another when the decision is reversed. But tonight there were no moments. There was simply a meandering flow. I feel cheated.

Where We're Going:

If there's hope on the horizon, next week is a good place to expect it to come. The main event will feature Homicide, Hernandez, AJ Styles, and the always-amusing Tomko in what should by all rights be an awesome tag match. Still, after getting screwed tonight my hopes are limited. There's also the possibility of Sting's mysterious tag team partner-if the Genesis main event results in an NWO reunion or a debuting RVD, I might be satisfied; somehow I'm not optimistic.

Tonight's Show: Presumably my "Daniel's Impact Happiness meter" has made my feelings clear. I'm not averse to shenanigans surrounding title changes-I'm probably one of the few people on the internet who thinks the double switch at WrestleMania IX was a neat concept, and have thought some of the best title changes come from elaborate booking (WrestleMania X-7) or sudden wackiness (Edge's first win at New Year's Revolution 2006). This, however, was just lame. The finish of the match was lame, the controversy was lame, and the conclusion was lame. There were a lot of good parts to this week's broadcast, but they mostly served to make the soul-crushing parts more pronounced. About all I can say for this episode is that no old men had being sexed to death or mocking of Eddie and Owen's tribute shows (which, sadly, is still saying something). D-




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