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CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 1/3: Ongoing coverage of Spike TV show
Jan 3, 2008 - 10:05:07 PM |
By James Caldwell, Torch columnist
TNA Impact on Spike TV
January 3, 2007
Taped in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist
The show opened with a recap of everyone being angry last week. Part of Styles having to make a decision is tonight. The theme: Rankings by Gauntlet. Or, Paint by Numbers.
They went to the townhouse of A.J. Styles's grandmother where Jeremy Borash was on assignment. Styles's sister opened the door, then Borash met the family and a priest praying at the dinner table. Borash then knocked on a side door in the living room and heard A.J. Styles's voice on the other side of the door. Styles screamed that he doesn't want to decide on Christian or Angle. Suddenly, one of Styles's kids knocked on the door, which didn't lead to anything. Styles's wacky wrestling coach interrupted and asked if they were on the air. He said he wanted to give a shout-out.
Tenay and West plugged all the gauntlets tonight. In the ring, Cornette and Matt Morgan introduced everything scheduled for tonight to determine rankings for all four divisions. He plugged the PPV on Sunday and announced Robert Roode & Ms. Brooks vs. Booker T. & Sharmell, per Roode's request. The fans cheered that. Cornette started to plug Angle vs. Christian in the main event, but Samoa Joe's music interrupted. Joe stormed to the ring, as Tenay laid the groundwork for Joe's attitude turn starting with Scott Hall's no-show. Joe asked how TNA has a PPV, and he's not a part of it? He wanted to know why he still can't get his title shot. Cornette tried to interject, but Joe kept cutting him off. Kevin Nash's music interrupted and Nash walked out dressed to wrestle, but he appeared to be in a grumpy mood. Or, maybe he had something bad to eat for dinner. Nash casually stepped into the ring and told Joe that he stood in the ring at Turning Point while Joe ran down the Outsiders, but Hall has more problems in one hour than Joe will have in one lifetime. Cheer? Boo? What's that's supposed to mean? Nash stood up for Hall, and the fans booed and cheered. He said Joe reminds him of Hall & Nash when they were younger. Nash said there's a place The Outsiders reached in the business, but Joe hasn't been there yet. He said that Joe has to recognize that.
Joe interrupted and said that even the most dominant pack leaders have to move or aside of be pushed aside. Nash wiped his mouth, then promised he wouldn't move aside, so maybe Joe needs to push his ass aside. Cornette interrupted before fighting could break out. He said he agreed to give Nash a tag title match with Hall, but since Hall isn't around, Nash doesn't have a partner. Cornette said the only fair thing to do is to book Nash and Joe to challenge for the tag titles against Styles and Tomko. Cornette told them to take it or leave it. He said if they don't take it, neither one of them is a part of the PPV. Cornette said he'd give them time to think about. He quickly scurried out of the ring with Morgan.
They quickly went backstage where Crystal interviewed Robert Roode while Ms. Brooks stood by. Roode said that if Booker's skank wife wants to stand by Booker's side, then he'll take both of them out. Roode was bleeped, then Brooks said she despises him. Roode laughed and said he loves the fact that she hates him. Roode reminded Brooks that she's his partner at the PPV. Brooks meekly said she doesn't have a problem with the Bookers. Roode said she has a problem with them because his problem is their problem. Roode told her to say his catchphrase or he'd send her back to the strip club making $1 an hour. Brooks begrudgingly said the line, then they left on opposite sides of the camera shot.
[Commercial Break - they plugged Pros vs. Joes with a feature on Bob Sapp.]
[Q2]
Backstage, Team 3D was set for an interview with Crystal, but Crystal had enough of them. She said she's tired of the same thing week after week, so she's leaving. Crystal slammed the mic into Ray's chest and bolted. Ray complained about the tag team rankings. He said Cornette must have voted the rankings, or maybe the dumb fans. Johnny Devine said Devon is so big, like King Kong. Ray took offense and grabbed Devine by the throat before tossing him back. Kip and B.G. then interrupted and asked where Crystal is. Devon said he ate her. Ray then made fun of Kip's pink tights. B.G. had a good laugh, which upset Kip. They started arguing about the tag title deal where B.G. hasn't picked Kip as his tag partner. Kip said he gave B.G. the briefcase with the title shot, so it's obvious he should be the partner. B.G. said he's scouting someone, which set off Kip. (BTW, Roxxi drifted around in the background, slowly moving from the left of the camera shot to the right of the camera shot throughout this.) Kip screamed at B.G. that they've been together for so many years. Kip did a crotch chop and told him to scout this. Kip tossed the mic to B.G., who asked why Kip is always so pissy. He then looked into the camera and asked why he's asking the people in the camera.
1 -- TAG TEAM GAUNTLET MATCH
Basically, the lower-ranked individuals from Cornette's pre-set rankings start the match, so they have a built-in disadvantage. One minute in between each entrant. Lance Hoyt and Kip James started things off. Hoyt pointed at Kip's ugly pink tights with a sinister laugh, then Kip shoved him across the ring. Brother Devon came out third. Shelley out fourth. Homicide out fifth. Kip was eliminated first. He can return if B.G. makes it to the final two.
Jimmy Rave came out sixth. B.G. James came out seventh. Devon tried to clothesline B.G. out of the ring, but B.G. side-stepped him, and Devon flew over the top rope for an elimination. Brother Ray out eighth without his partner. Ray's music just kept playing because he wouldn't get in the ring. He finally did, his music stopped, and Ray cleaned house. Chris Sabin came out ninth. B.G. James was eliminated, cleaning out VKM from the match. Hernandez came out last.
With the remaining men in the ring, Ray tried to play nice with Hernandez, but Hernandez slammed him to the mat. Ray recovered and eliminated Shelley with a clothesline over the top rope. Sabin grabbed Ray by around the waist, then ran him across the ring and over the top rope for an elimination. VKM and Team 3D are gone. LAX, Rock n' Rave, and Sabin are left.
[Q3]
[Commercial Break]
They returned with the action already down to Motor City vs. RnR. They recapped - in about 1/2 second - that LAX was eliminated during the break. Suddenly, Shelley pinned Rave for the win. What the?
WINNERS: Sabin & Shelley in 15:00. Ridiculous timing on the finishing sequence. They come from break and go right to the finish with video replays flying everywhere on the screen. Gauntlet action wasn't much. (1/2*)
After the match, Team 3D predictably hit the ring and attacked the Guns. Ray grabbed a Kendo Stick as Shelley and Sabin's hands were placed across a table. Ray then smashed their hands with the Kendo stick so they can't climb the Ultimate X cables at the PPV. That's an angle to get over throughout the rest of the show to reinforce the deck stacked against the babyface Guns, with Tenay and West expressing outrage over the unprovoked attack.
They went backstage where Crystal sat down on the cage with a very prim and proper Kurt Angle, while Karen Angle sat opposite her man. Crystal asked a question that ruffled Kurt's feathers, then Kurt said he knows A.J. will choose Team Angle because he's a great man. Kurt said that he's sick of the drama, just like everyone else. Kurt said he's calling out Tomko tonight to get A.J.'s decision. Kurt looked into the camera and addressed Christian Cage. He told him not to underestimate his brain power. Kurt said that in a drawer full of knives, he may not be the sharpest. Kurt quickly got up from the couch and left. Crystal shot an eyebrow, then asked Karen what that was about. She said she didn't marry him for his brains. So, the emperor has new clothes. Now, order a PPV!
[Commercial Break]
Back to Borash outside of Styles's room at his gma's townhouse in Gainesville, Ga. Borash brought in Styles's third grade teacher, Mrs. McGillicutty. Beulah she is not. The teacher cut a promo about Styles's problems as a youth, including skin disease and pimples and such. Styles screamed that it's a lie. Suddenly, the teacher's voice went five octaves high as she screamed at Styles to make a decision, dammit. Borash apologized to the priest at the table.
Ringside, Tenay and West broke down the PPV card.
[Q4]
2 -- KNOCKOUT GAUNTLET MATCH
Angelina Love came out first, followed by Mrs. Brooks, who took deep breaths on the way to the ring while bouncing her basketballs down the entrance ramp. Angelina tried to eliminate Brooks early, but Brooks held onto the ropes. Ms. Jackie Moore came out third. Tenay announced that Joe and Nash have agreed to challenge for the belts. Velvet Sky ran out fourth with no crotch-burn entrance. She helped Angelina double-team Brooks with kicks to the front and back. Pink and black seems to be the costume theme tonight. Christy Hemme came out fifth and threw the color scheme off with red and white. She went for the firecrotch drop from the top rope on Velvet, but Velvet moved out of the way. ODB came out sixth and slammed Jackie in center ring. She then played to the crowd with her mannerisms before chucking Brooks over the top rope to the floor. Roxxi LaVeaux came out seventh. She toned down the voodoo make-up this week. Amazing Kong rounded out the field.
With everyone entered in the match, Kong started running over people. She eliminated Christy and Velvet simultaneously with each arm. Angelina went for a cross body block, but Kong casually tossed her to the floor. Down to Kong, ODB, Roxxi, and Jackie.
[Commercial Break]
They returned with all four women still in the ring. The other three tried to gang up on Kong, but they couldn't eliminate her. The managed to get her feet off ground before giving her one final heave-ho over the top rope to the floor. Tenay got over the fact that it took three women to eliminate Kong. After a brief celebration from the remaining three, Roxxi eliminated Jackie and she started convulsing. ODB kicked her in the gut, then covered her for a two count. Roxxi tried to block the crotch headbutts, but ODB landed six or seven. Roxxi then landed a lift-up spinebuster for a nearfall. Crowd was hot for ODB while Roxxi worked her over. ODB landed a Thesz press from the second rope and covered Roxxi for the pin and the win.
WINNER: ODB in 13:00. Much better second-half of the gauntlet than anything from the first gauntlet match. Nice singles action once they cleared it down to two people. ODB is over, no doubt. (*1/2)
Backstage, Crystal got Tomko caught up on what he missed from Angle's promo earlier. She told him that Angle was demanding Tomko's decision for Styles. Tomko said no one tells him what to do. He said he's calling out Angle tonight, and Angle will show him respect for bailing him out of all the asinine situations Angle gets himself into. Tomko said all the crap stops tonight. Damn straight. Let's take a break.
[Q5 -- Second Hour]
[Commercial Break]
Tomko was in the ring out of the break. Tenay screamed that Tomko is going to demand respect tonight. Tomko casually told Angle to come out and meet him. He smirked toward the camera, as if his lines were so ridiculous that he just wanted Angle to come out already. Kurt and Karen strolled to the ring, then Kurt shouted at Tomko that he's tired of the games from him and Styles. Kurt said he's days away from his title defense against Christian Cage, so he needs to get things cleared up beforehand. Kurt laid down the ultimatum, then Tomko said he made his mind up a few weeks ago, but something Kurt said about being a soldier struck him. Tomko said the Army means loyalty, respect, and family. He said Kurt's really asking him whether he would take a bullet for Christian or Kurt. The fans chanted, "Hell no," then Kurt cursed at the audience. Tomko said he'd take a bullet for himself, but if Kurt or Christian went down in a blaze of glory, he wouldn't mind. Tenay said you have to respect Tomko. For what - saying he doesn't care if one of them dies?
Kurt asked for clarification on Tomko's decision. Tomko said he makes his own decisions. Kurt said he doesn't agree, but he can respect it. They shook hands and Kurt backed away, trying to act genuine. Karen stood with her hands on her hips in disgust. Kurt then tried to charge Tomko, but Tomko saw it coming and grabbed him around the throat. Tomko turned Kurt's head red with his grip, and screamed that he will break Kurt in half the next time he puts his hands on him. Angle cowered in the corner with Karen as Tomko left the ring. And there's your champion. Hey, where's the challenger? Now buy a PPV!
Back to Borash on location at the Styles's grandmother's house. Coach Buttersomething talked about Styles wrestling a crazy redneck girl named Red. He said there was a streak of yellow pee coming down Styles's trunks when he caught sight of the girl. Styles had enough and jumped out of his room to contend that it was a Mountain Dew stain, not pee. He slammed the door again, then Coach Butter screamed at him face his issues like a man.
[Commercial Break]
[Q6]
Back to Borash at the house. A.J.'s bossy sister threatened to tell an embarrassing story if Styles didn't come out. She started to tell a story about A.J. doing something naughty in the bathroom, then Styles slammed open the door and told her to make him a sandwich. She said she'd get the sandwich and Yoohoo milk as soon as he picks Angle or Christian. Styles didn't want to, so he slammed the door again his sister, son, and dog.
Backstage, Crystal tried to stir it up between Lethal and Dutt. Lethal didn't like the line of questioning, so he called her John Stossel. Where's Ray to play David Schultz? Lethal said he saw Dutt getting frisky with So Cal Val at the Christmas party, and he was having flashbacks to Liz and Hogan in the '80s. Dutt said it was merely a friendly kiss on the cheek. Lethal said it was on the lips. Dutt said they just need to share the love. He offered a kiss, but Lethal cut him off and said he doesn't swing like that, Adonis. They left. Gotta say that was entertaining ... Hey, look, it's Christian interrupting. He appeared to have some indigestion as well. Must have what Nash had. Christian said that interview just bombed, so he's here to pick it up. He talked to Crystal about understanding Tomko's thought process, but he needs to find out where Styles's head is. Christian said he heard Angle talking about how smart he is, so he should meet him up at the Heavyweight gauntlet so they can match wits.
Back to the Impact zone where Guru Sonjay Dutt came out for the X Division gauntlet. Petey Williams, the #1 Contender to the World Title, followed out.
[Commercial Break]
3 -- X DIVISION GAUNTLET MATCH
Dutt and Petey were in the ring. Bell sounded, so off they went. Shark Boy, who Cornette has ranked higher than Dutt and Petey, came out third. Sharkie was selling more injuries this week, with bandages everywhere. He hopped right in and landed a sunset flip powerbomb on Dutt. Elix Skipper, who hasn't won a match in forever, came out fourth. Boy, Dutt must be the Miami Dolphins based on this ranking. Skipper eliminated himself before Johnny Devine, possessor of the lost X Division Title belt, came out fifth. Sharkie was eliminated second. Senshi, who quit weeks ago, is the top ranked wrestler in the X Division, according to Cornette's pre-match rankings.
With everyone in the match, Senshi eliminated Devine with a kick to the gut near the ropes. Dutt, Senshi, and Petey are remaining. Senshi then dumped Dutt to the floor. So, now it's one-on-one between Senshi, who quit, and Petey, the #1 contender to the World Title. Petey went for the Canadian Destroyer at 7:00, but Senshi blocked and chucked him to the floor. Senshi measured Petey for the double foot stomp, but Petey moved out of the way. He then caught Senshi with a nice sunset flip from the apron into the Canadian Destroyer for the win.
WINNER: Petey Williams in 8:00. Nice finishing sequence. They've done a nice job rebuilding Petey, but the X Division is a joke right now. (*)
[Q7]
Quickly to the back where James Storm cut a promo with Ms. Jackie Moore. Crystal said Eric Young has won the beer drinking title, so Storm is technically the no. 2 beer drinker. Storm was indignant and said Young cheated. He booked a two out of three DCS challenge - Drinking Championship Series - at the PPV. He then tried to explain some drinking games they'll play. Crystal asked what happens if you have to pee, but Storm said you can't go to the rest room, check your email, or check your myspace. Crystal was so excited! Storm said it's great. Order the PPV, now!
[Commercial Break]
Back to Borash on location to find out who Styles will pick. He interviewed the priest, who said Styles was a great altar boy back in the day. They stayed away from the obvious jokes here. Borash asked the priest who Styles should pick. He said he would pick Christian, obviously. Styles casually walked out and said they're Baptist. The priest had a sudden realization and thought he was talking about A.J. Snipes. Oh, that A.J.! Cue the Three's Company laugh track and random audience applause.
Back to Tenay and West ringside to break down the PPV card. Backstage, Crystal interviewed Booker T. about putting his wife in jeopardy at the PPV. Booker, who has been completely forgotten, said he brought Sharmell to TNA for moral support, not to wrestle. He said he's going to get in Jim Cornette's office and get some answers. Sharmell interrupted and said she wants a piece of Robert Roode because it's on. Booker said they done got her mad.
[Commercial Break]
Matt Morgan was ringside ahead of the heavyweight gauntlet entrances. Booker T. came out first. Tenay covered for the early entry by saying Booker wanted to come out first and earn his ranking. James Storm came out second.
[Q8]
4 -- HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION GAUNTLET MATCH
Booker and Storm traded blows, then Robert Roode came out third. The heels double-teamed Booker, then Eric Young came out fourth. Cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
They returned with a bunch of men in the ring. Scott Steiner came out. Meanwhile, James Storm was eliminated. Steiner and Booker teamed up on Chris Harris, who came out during the break with Kaz, Black Reign, and Rellik. Next to the ring was Judas Mesias. Steiner eliminated Storm, then Judas hit the ring, started spewing blood, and no one paid attention to him. Judas got Booker's attention with punches, then Kevin Nash came out. Meanwhile, Kaz was eliminated. Nash hopped into the ring and ran over people with kicks and punches. To the ring next was Abyss. Meanwhile, Steiner and Young were eliminated. The lights went down, then came back on, and Abyss went right after Judas. Abyss eliminated Judas and himself with a clothesline. Samoa Joe came out to the ring next. Joe quickly went after Reign and Rellik to knock them around a little. Booker wanted a piece of Joe, but Joe fought him off with right hand blows. Booker met him with a back elbow smash, though. Final wrestler to the ring was Christian Cage.
Black Reign eliminated Booker. Christian's music continued to play, but no sign of Christian. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle ran to the entrance tunnel to wait for Christian, but there was no sign of Christian. Angle demanded to know where Christian was, so he turned his back until Christian attacked Angle from behind. Back in the ring, Nash eliminated Reign. On the floor, Angle gave Christian an Olympic Slam into the ringpost. So, Christian is apparently eliminated since the referee entered the ring for the one-on-one deal between Joe and Nash. They shook hands, then Nash stepped over the top rope. I guess he wanted to be counted out to give Joe the win? In any event, Christian stormed the ring and rolled up Joe from behind to win the match. Nash heard the decision, then turned around with a lock of shock. Joe, frustrated, tried to chase Christian out of the ring, but Christian bailed to avoid further harm. There's your challenger in the PPV main event. Order the PPV now!
WINNER: Christian Cage in 14:00. Just plain silly and lazy with no intent to sell the PPV. In the main event match on the show before the PPV, they book a swerve finish with no explanation of why Christian was allowed back in the ring, much less awarded the victory, if the referee deemed that he was eliminated when it came down to Joe and Nash. (1/2*)
Back to Borash on location. Borash told Styles they promised an answer to the public. Styles reluctantly stepped out of his room and said Christian. Everyone clapped it up. Borash started his rehearsed Christian sales pitch. Styles grabbed Borash, then said it's Kurt Angle. Borash comically started his rehearsed Angle sales pitch. Styles cut him off again and said he can't decide. He'll make up his mind at the PPV. What a shock. Indecision 2007-2008 continues. Styles then screamed at everyone to scram. He tried to grab the camera, but they cut away to the show-closing video package hyping the PPV.
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