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Where We've Been: I don't really know—my DVR gave out last week for reasons unclear. Based on the recap, the main story seems to be AJ Style's allegiances, which could be great so long as they don't overplay it [note: they do]. Apparently the gimmick this week is that there will be four gauntlet matches to establish the rankings in each of the TNA divisions. I know people are often down on TNA's reliance on gimmicks, but I actually like the idea of theme shows, and I'm the sort of person who loves rankings (I pretty much picked my college right out of US News & World Report)(go Jeffs!). This could be a lot of fun if they do it well [note: they do not].

The Show

Borash is live in Gainesville, GA, where apparently AJ Styles is hiding from his decision. His sister answers the door, and TNA needs to give her a contract like it's nobody's business. She lets Borash in, as apparently they'll welcome any help they can get in helping AJ over this hump. JB knocks on AJ's door, which has pictures of Kurt and Christian taped to it. AJ says he's not there, and refuses to open the door for his kid. My wife points out that TNA is not nice to wrestlers' children (see: Sting's son and Kurt Angle's daughter).

Jim Cornette is in the ring with Matt Morgan, and he announces Robert Roode's match at Final Resolution; the mere mention of Roode's name seems to tick off the fans. Joe comes out, and he's upset that he's not on the card at Final Resolution. He wants to know why if title shots are so valuable Hall & Nash are getting a shot at the tag titles. They are? Cool. If I were Joe I would also have brought up Pacman Jones's title run, but that's just me. Big Sexy hits the ring and says that for all Joe's whining Scott Hall has more problems in an hour than Joe's had his whole life. He says that Joe is not at the point in his career where he can compare himself to the nWo. Joe replies that no matter how big a wolf might have been in his day, eventually he'll reach the point where he either has to step aside or be pushed aside. Nash counters that he won't be stepping, but that Joe's welcome to try to push. Cornette prevents them from going at it, and says that since Scott Hall won't be at Final Resolution Joe will be Nash's partner. Did they just un-book the match I just learned about a few seconds ago? Not cool. Cornette says that the only way either of them will be on the card is if they team together.

Crystal is in the back with Roode, and asks him about his and Ms. Brooks's mixed tag match against Booker T & Sharmell at the PPV. Ms. Brooks says that she despises Roode but has no problem with Booker or Sharmell, and doesn't see she why she should have to fight them. Roode says that since he's her boss, his problems are her problems, which strikes me as a reasonable gloss on the employer/employee relationship. He makes her say his catch phrase, and when she hesitates he threatens to send her back to the strip club where he found her. I was going to point out that she was on TNA before Roode "hired" her, but it is true that she was gone for a while between stints.

[Commercial Break]

Crystal is with Team 3D, and she says that she'd rather let them interview themselves. She hands Brother Ray the mic and walks off. He's annoyed that their initial rankings are lower than the Motor City Machine Guns' and LAX's. Ray says that he's been working out, and Devon's been leaping tall building just like…Johnny Devine chimes in with "King Kong", which does not make Devon happy. Ray diffuses the situation, and then VKM saunter onscreen looking for Crystal. They trade barbs with Team 3D until 3D get bored and wander off. Kip asks BG when he'll make the announcement that they're teaming together to take BG's shot at the Tag Titles. BG says he's eyeing someone, and Kip flips out. BG asks America what he should do.

(1) The Motor City Machine Guns defeat (in reverse order of elimination) The Rock & Rave Infection, LAX, Team 3D, and VKM

Kip and Hoyt start things off, and things are painless for the minute it takes for Devon to enter. The order of entry was apparently determined by Cornette's view of the initial rankings, with higher teams coming out later. Shelley enters and is his usual awesome self. He hits a flurry of offense before getting caught in the Saving Grace. Homicide comes in and low bridges Kip for the elimination. The crowd sticks with their "Alex Shelley" chant, which surprises me, but then they come around and switch it to a chant for LAX. Jimmy Rave and BG come in, but BG tosses Devon before Team 3D can reunite. Brother Ray enters, but decides he'd rather chat with Devon than enter the match. He finally enters the ring just before Sabin's music hits. Sabin cleans house with a variety of moves (as opposed to the usual punches 'o doom), culminating with the elimination of BG James via dropkick. Hernandez rounds things out, hitting a Flying Double Clothesline on his way in before brutalizing everyone left standing. The crowd is now fully behind the "LAX" chant. Brother Ray tries to make friends with Hernandez, who gives him a high five before eating him. Eventually Ray gets up long enough to toss Shelley, which should make the crowd's decisions easier. He gets tossed himself by an avenging Sabin, meaning that Team 3D will be officially ranked below the Rock & Rave Infection. Awesome.

[Commercial Break]

During the break LAX got taken out…what the hell? I mean seriously, LAX ranks below Jimmy Rave? Someone in TNA needs to be, like, neutered or something. While I'm typing this Shelley hits a Running Ensuguri for the win. As the Guns are laying there Team 3D come out with Johnny Devine and nail Shelley and Sabin with 3Ds. 3D then lay Shelley & Sabin's hands across a table and nail them with a kendo stick, thus weakening their hands before their Ultimate X match Sunday. That was actually pretty clever of them. Black Machismo and Shark Boy eventually make the save, which begs the questions of both why Machismo took so long and why Shark Boy is still employed.

Crystal is in the Angles' locker room, and she wants to know how they feel with AJ & Tomko still of undecided loyalties. Angle says that there is no question—no one passes up the opportunity to team with an Olympic gold medalist. Besides, the Angles' have what AJ & Tomko want both professionally and personally, the latter point being demonstrated by a pat of Karen's leg. I'm not sure what we're supposed to read into that. Kurt says that he knows AJ won't decide tonight, but that he'll be calling out Tomko later. He also warns Christian not to underestimate his intelligence, because in a drawer full of knives, he (Angle) isn't the sharpest.

[Commercial Break]

Borash is still at the Styles house, where apparently his family and friends have all gathered to lure him out of his room. His third grade teacher says that AJ's always been shy, possibly because of all the zits he used to have. AJ yells that that's a lie, but then changes his story to say that it runs in his family. She tries to coax him out of the room, but to no avail.

(2) ODB defeats (in reverse order of elimination) Roxxi Leveaux, Jackie Moore, Awesome Kong, Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, Christy Hemme, and Ms. Brooks

Angelina Love comes out first, which is weird, since she's probably the best female wrestler on the roster not in the title match. Ms. Brooks mopes her way down to the ring second, and the two have a nice exchange before they settle in to the Long Attempt to Push Someone Over the Ropes That Never Works Except Occasionally When a Large Group of People Do it to a Fat Guy, which is a move I'd really love to see in a video game someday. Jackie Moore comes down to break up the monotony, and she and Ms. Brooks briefly work together before turning on each other. Love is on the ropes when Velvet Sky comes in and makes the save. That save would have felt more significant if Jackie Moore and Ms. Brooks hadn't turned on each other—sometimes the little details matter. They work together and dominate until Christy comes in with a Cross Body Block off the top rope. Christy hits a brutal looking Inverted DDT on Velvet Sky, which makes me think that you really shouldn't be allowed to use that move if you're not very sure about what you're doing. ODB comes out to perhaps the loudest response of the night and eliminates Ms. Brooks. Roxxi Leveaux comes out next, and I'm about to question her initial ranking until I remember that she did come in second at the original gauntlet for the gold. Awesome Kong comes out last and immediately eliminates Velvet Sky and Christy Hemme simultaneously. She tosses out Angelina Love to bring us to the final four.

[Commercial Break]

Apparently the three remaining women have been teaming up on Kong throughout the break, but it's just not happening. Eventually they hit the LAPSORTNWEOWLGPDFG on Kong, and apparently they're close enough to a large group of people and she's close enough to a guy for it to work on her. Roxxi Leveaux tosses out Jackie Moore, who accommodates her nicely by not defending herself. For those keeping score at home, these rankings are now officially meaningless. Roxxi actually hits some cool offense on ODB, which makes me appreciate why TNA keeps putting her in such relatively high-profile spots. ODB wins with a Lou Thesz Press and a dirty pin. Tenay questions whether we'll look back at this as the moment that pushed ODB into the top tier of TNA women, which makes me wonder whether they've forgotten that she holds a pinfall win over Gail Kim.

Crystal is in the back with Tomko, and she tells him that Angle has demanded he proclaim his allegiance. Tomko says that no one demands anything of him anymore. He asks whether he looks like AJ Styles. He's been taking it for years from Christian, and now thanks to AJ he's getting orders from Angle too. Later tonight he'll be calling out Kurt Angle to demand the respect he's earned by bailing Kurt out of the ridiculous situations he gets himself into week after week. He was a little overly angry, but overall this was another top-notch promo from Tomko.

[Commercial Break]

Tomko is in the ring and he has a mic. He says that since Angle wants an answer, he had better come down to the ring to get it. The Angles comes out on offense, with Kurt saying that he's sick of Tomko & AJ's games. He says that Tomko is a soldier in his army and demands that he show the proper respect. Tomko says he made up a mind a few weeks ago, but now that Kurt's talking about the army, that makes him think of respect, and families, and taking bullets for the people next to him in a foxhole. He asks whether he would take a bullet for Angle or Christian, prompting the crowd to start such a loud "Tomko" chant that Angle had to put things on hold so that he could yell at the crowd. Tomko concludes that the only person Tomko would take a bullet for is Tomko, and so that's the only army he'll be working for. He asks Kurt to guess who's in charge of that army, then and in a nice touch he starts to give him the mic before grabbing it back. He says that he's in business for himself from now on, and gives Angle a sly grin. Kurt says he respects the decision, and shakes Tomko's hand. Tomko looks to shake Karen's hand as well, but as soon as his focus shifts Kurt charges. However, Tomko retains his status as the smartest man in pro wrestling by catching Kurt immediately. He says that he'll give Kurt a pass this once, but that the next time he tries anything he'll regret it.

We cut back to Gainseville, where Borash talks to AJ's high school wrestling coach at Gainesville Vocational—I thought Gainesville Vocational was supposed to be AJ's college? The coach says that AJ has been known to show weakness from time to time, such as the time he peed himself before having to wrestle the toughest girl in the county. This slander is sufficient to get AJ to open the door just long enough to protest that it was only spilled Mountain Dew.

[Commercial Break]

Does anyone else think they can guess the ending of that movie Untraceable from the 30-second ad that aired during that last break?

JB is still in GA in what has to be AJ Styles's least entertaining performance to date. His sister MJ threatens to reveal his secrets to the world if he doesn't come out. When she starts off by talking about the time she came home to find him in the bathroom he opens the door, thinks for something to say, and settles on calling her ugly. She's about to restart when he reopens it and asks for a baloney sandwich and a Yoohoo, which she says she'll get for him as soon as he picks a side. He goes in and pops out one more time to see if JB has Tomko's number, which has apparently been changed. We cut away without ever finding out what happened in the bathroom, which is still not enough to dislodge Abyss's hidden past from its position as "secret I care about least."

Crystal is in the back with Black Machismo and Sonjay Dutt, and she says that jealousy's been in the air since Sonjay stole a kiss from SoCal Val at the Christmas party. Machismo says that it's giving him flashbacks to that time Hogan stole a kiss from Ms. Elizabeth. Sonjay says that it's just a kiss, and offers to kiss Lethal to prove it. The two of them wander off arguing.
After they leave, Christian walks over, and says that he was in the neighborhood and figured he'd save the segment after the last interview bombed. He says that he's proud of Tomko, and can respect his desire to be his own man. Bizarrely, siding with Tomko is about the most face-like thing anyone could do right now (short of getting Sting to re-up his contract). He tells AJ that he'll need an answer, because he has to know who's going to share in the glory Sunday night. He says that if Kurt really thinks he's so smart, he's welcome to come down during his gauntlet later so that they can match wits.

[Commercial Break]

(3) Petey Williams defeats (in reverse order of elimination) Senshi, Sonjay Dutt, Johnny Devine, Shark Boy, and Elix Skipper

Sonjay Dutt starts things out, and I'd really like to see him move up the ladder some time soon. Petey Williams is in second, so we should be in for something enjoyable. Sure enough, the match starts with a fast pace, which includes a Leg Drop from the top rope onto Petey Williams caught between the middle two. Sharkboy comes in and immediately hits a mini-Tower of Doom on Williams and Dutt. Elix Skipper comes out next and reminds everyone how cool his move-set is before accidentally eliminating himself with a missed overzealous attempt at a Splash in the corner. Devine comes out, and despite everyone's attempts to triple team the traitor he breaks away long enough to eliminate Shark Boy. Williams and Dutt take him down, and are about to take it to him when Senshi's music hits and they decide to share. They all tee off on Devine for a few seconds before tossing him. Dutt hits a Springboard Hurricanrana and a cool twisting kick before being taken out by Senshi. Apparently we're down to the final two—is this really the entire once-mighty X Division? That's sad. Petey hits a Slingshot Codebreaker, but gets caught by a vicious takedown. He dodges the Warrior's Way, then hits a Slingshot Sunset Flip into a Canadian Destroyer for the win. Holy Shit.

Crystal is in the back with James Storm, who claims that he doesn't need to get a ranking cause everyone already knows that he's the top beer drinker in the company. When Crystal points out that Eric Young won the title, Storm protests that since Young spilled some beer while drinking he was disqualified (since Young was only defending his title at the relevant contest this would have been a hysterical time to invoke the rule that TNA titles can change hands by DQ). He says they'll have a two out of three falls drinking contest at Final Resolution. The first game will see a 40 tied to both hands, where the wrestler to finish both first wins. When Crystal comments that that sounds like fun and so she looks forward to the other two Storm mutters something about not having made them up yet.

[Commercial Break]

JB is, you'll be shocked to learn, still in Gainesville, where AJ's son breaks Kayfabe by just seeming happy to be on TV. Borash interviews AJ's hard-of-hearing priest until AJ comes out of his room to remind his family that they're Baptists. The father is confused.

Crystal is in the back with Booker T, and she wants to know how he feels about Sharmell being put in harm's way. Booker says that he came to wrestle, but that she's just there for moral support—um…how did Cornette book the match then? Can he book me in a match? Sharmell attempts to make this match make a bit more sense by proclaiming that she wants to slap the taste out of Robert Roode's mouth. Booker laments that now they got her mad. I do have to say that for all TNA's women issues it is nice that all the men (Christian, Sting, Angle, Booker) seem to care about their wives.

[Commercial Break]

(4) Christian Cage defeats (in reverse order of elimination) Samoa Joe, Kevin Nash, Black Reign, Rellik, Booker T, Abyss, Judas Mesias, Eric Young, Scott Steiner, Kaz, Chris Harris, Robert Roode, and James Storm.

Booker T apparently requested the #1 spot so as not to receive any special treatment. That's a nice touch. James Storm comes out second, and Tenay questions whether the fact that he seems to be focused on his drinking title means that his priorities are off. Actually, given the way these gauntlets have gone I'm thinking his priorities are just right. Roode came out next and goes right after Booker. Eric Young comes down and takes down the heels as we go to break.

[Commercial Break]

We come back just in time to see Storm taken out. Apparently during the break we missed the entrances of Kaz, Rellik, Dustin Rhodes, and Chris Harris. At this point I don't even care that Rellik entered after Storm and Young. Big Poppa Pump comes in and is a house of Suplexes until he comes face to face with Booker T. The two hesitate, then smile and team up. Steiner turns his attention to Robert Roode, whom he eliminates in short order. Judas Maseis is out next, and okay, I lied, I do still care. This order of entry is annoying. West says that we all want to know what Abyss's secret is. I wonder if there's anyone, anywhere, who wants to know what Abyss's secret is. Well, maybe the TNA writers, if they haven't made it up yet. At some point here Chris Harris gets eliminated by Booker T, though thanks to bad announcing I had to watch this three times to figure that out. Kaz stupidly goes for a top rope move, and is tossed out for his trouble. Nash is out next. Mesias eliminates Steiner and Young, and then Abyss's music hits. The lights dim, and they come back to reveal Abyss behind Mesias. He takes himself and Mesias out with a big clothesline (I think Harris went over somewhere in here). Joe comes out next. Booker T is about to take out Rellik, when Black Reign comes from behind and knocks out Booker. Christian's music hits, and Angle runs to the side of the entryway to ambush him. Cage doesn't come out though, and when Angle turns to Matt Morgan for answers Christian takes him down from behind. Angle rallies, however, and nails Christian with an Olympic Slam into the ring post as Rellik and Black Reign somehow get eliminated. The ref, who has apparently never seen a battle royal, decides that with Christian on the outside we must be down to our final two. Nash extends his hand to Joe, who reluctantly takes it. Nash then hops out of the ring, apparently intending to let his partner get the count-out win. Christian, however, has seen battle royals before, and so he realizes that he can come in at the end and rolls up Joe for the win.

JB tells AJ they need a decision, and AJ comes out and declares for Christian. Then he declares for Angle, and then Changle (despite the fact that "Chringle" would have been funnier). He says everyone will see his decision at Final Resolution, and he knows it'll be the right one.

Where We're Going: I was going to use this space to talk about how much Tomko rules, but that'll just have to wait. The X Division gauntlet made me realize just how dire the X Division situation really is. Not counting Kaz, Young and the Phenomenal One, all of whom have been promoted, they apparently only have seven wrestlers in the X Division. Of those seven, one (Senshi) has reportedly requested his release, one (Skipper) has not been relevant in three years, one (Shark Boy) was never relevant, and one (Devine) is only now being pushed into relevance despite never showing any particular greatness. That's not good. So rather than where we are going, I'll devote a few words to where we should be going. The X Division needs to be rebuilt, and right now I'd say a lot of it has to be from scratch. I think it's time to bring back the Gut Check List. For those who started watching after that gimmick was dropped, on their weekly PPVs TNA used to have a match or so between relative unknowns so they could try to earn their spot on the roster. I'd bring back that idea, only with some sort of fan interaction where people can vote on who gets an offer. That would mean that the wrestlers really were auditioning, and would also probably help the TNA website's hit rate. Also they should hunt down Matt Bentley and offer him a large sum of cash to come back.

Tonight's Show: A whole lot of bleh. The backstage antics dragged a bit more than usual, and for once there was no stellar ring work to make up for it. The whole "rankings" gimmick might have been cool, but it lost a bit of credibility when Rellik came in as the 5th highest ranked wrestler in TNA. There was nothing overly offensive once you got past the ranking madness, but nothing really worth seeing either. Mic work by Tomko and (to a lesser extent) Christian are the only things preventing this show from getting a failing grade. D+

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