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CALDWELL'S WWE RAW REPORT 1/7: Ongoing virtual time coverage of Raw Roulette edition
Jan 7, 2008 - 10:15:39 PM |
By James Caldwell, Torch columnist
WWE Raw Live Report
January 7, 2008
Mohegan Sun, Ct.
They opened with a recap of the epic Flair vs. Hunter match last week. They focused on Regal interfering late in the match to take Hunter out of the Royal Rumble match.
Backstage, William Regal paced around, then Vince McMahon stepped in and stared him straight in the eyes. He said this is the first Raw of 2008. McMahon said WWE fans are expecting big and innovative. He's not letting the fans down. McMahon then puffed out his chest and a smile crept across his face before he pulled the curtain off the Raw Roulette. Ah, how I love Roulette graphics. Regal waited for McMahon to excitedly plug the possibilities, then he said he's sorry for not punching Hornswoggle last week. McMahon became serious about that because he didn't want his son punched. Regal then said he tried to make up for it by taking Hunter out of the Rumble. McMahon said he liked that, but now he wants Hunter injured. So, he booked Hunter vs. Regal tonight. McMahon then spun the wheel and it went right by the steel cage to a First Blood match. Regal turned his chin up in quiet confidence, then left the office. Hunter was waiting for him, and Hunter beat him up a little bit before referees pulled him away.
Shawn Michaels came to the ring for the opening match, then Mr. Kennedy confidently walked to the ring as they recapped Kennedy beating Michaels last week. Michaels stood patiently in the ring as Kennedy prepared for his trademark announcement. But, he was cut off by McMahon, who spun the wheel to reveal Strange Bedfellows. He said they would be teaming together tonight, with their strange opponents coming out next. Michaels and Kennedy exchanged icy glares before they cut to break.
[Commercial Break. They're doing a giveaway with Melina giving one person a WWE-style quinceanera. Having been part of that before, it's a ton of work.]
[Q2]
1 -- SHAWN MICHAELS & MR. KENNEDY vs. CHARLIE HAAS & TREVOR MURDOCH
They joined the action in progress with Kennedy working on Haas. Strange lighting during the match. The arena was bathed in red, as if Kane's ring entrance was permanently fixed on the arena. Michaels tried to tag himself into the action, but Kennedy didn't want to leave. So, Michaels chucked Kenned to the floor. Michaels tossed Haas to the outside, then Haas grabbed a mask and slapped it on. Looked like Del Wilkes's Patriot mask. He started puffing out his chest and no-selling, apparently drawing superhuman strength from the mask. Haas worked on Michaels, who tried to make a tag to Kennedy, but Kennedy pulled a Nash on Samoa Joe. Michaels then ripped off the mask and started taking Haas apart. He warmed up the band for the superkick, but noticed Kennedy inching toward him to make a tag. Michaels then found a right hand punch from Haas, but Michaels smashed him with the superkick after Kennedy made a blind tag. Kennedy then hopped in and gave Michaels the Mic Check finisher. He then covered Haas for the win. Kennedy spent the next minute leaning next to Michaels to gloat. I hope he brushed his teeth this morning. Kennedy eventually left, with Michaels still writhing in the ring.
WINNERS: Michaels & Kennedy in 5:00. Ross called it a train wreck. It was just weird, but they eventually got the point across between Kennedy and Michaels. Need to see more of this Haas bit to get a read on it. (*1/2)
[Commercial Break]
And now for a trading places match. Carlito walked out dressed like Hardcore Holly with Santino dressed normally by his side. He wasn't happy. Holly then walked out in a giant black wig with Cody Rhodes having a good smile. Holly did a casual walk to the ring with apple in hand. Ross said he hails from the Redneck Riviera of Pensacola, Fla.
2 -- HARDCORE "CARLITO" HOLLY (w/Santino Marella) vs. CARLITO "HARDCORE HOLLY" (w/Cody Rhodes)
Ross used the opening minute to plug some house show notes, including Santino and Carlito working well together, and Holly qualifying for the Rumble. Carlito quickly knocked the wig off Holly's head to start on the offensive. Holly made his comeback, then Santino suddenly got on the apron to distract the ref. Oops. Holly took a bite of the apple and spit it in Carlito's face. Santino hopped off the apron as Holly delivered the Alabama Slam on Carlito. Ross called it the Phi Slamma Jamma (a reference to Olajuwon and Drexler's Houston Cougars - the greatest uncrowned college basketball team ever assembled.) Holly with the pin on Carlito for the easy win.
WINNER: Holly in 3:00. Silly match. Didn't do much other than put Holly in a different light. (1/2*)
[Q3]
They went backstage where Vince talked to Maria about her new wheel-spinning duties to determine her match tonight. Maria spun the wheel and landed it on a submissions match. She was like huh? And McMahon was like, close your eyes. He told a tale about Maria and Santino having a romantic dinner as he casually moved the wheel to a lingerie pillow fight. Maria opened her eyes and saw the match. McMahon explained the match, then said Maria can't bring foreign objects in her pillow. Maria said that's OK because her pillows (breasts) are all natural. McMahon moved to his tippy toes and said that's good. She smiled as the camera zoomed in on her for a few seconds. Let the Playboy hype begin.
[Commercial Break]
They recapped the Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy feud, including last week when Orton attacked Matt Hardy. The video packages are better than the new content so far this week.
They transitioned to Todd Grisham for an interview with Jeff backstage. Jeff said he spent New Years in the hospital with Matt. He said Matt's been there for him since Day 1, so he's going to defend Matt's honor at the Rumble by taking the title and taking Orton out. Ringside, Ross announced the wheel had spun for Hardy vs. Umaga in a steel cage tonight.
They went back to the wheel where Hornswoggle had spun the wheel and he was running around in circles. Vince cut him off with a big smile. The audio was way off here. I have no idea what he said, but it appeared he was trying to set up Hornswoggle for a match at the Rumble or something. They eventually cut away to plug Hunter vs. Regal and the lingerie match as Ross apologized for the technical difficulties.
[Commercial Break]
They went back to the McMahon vs. Hornswoggle bit we couldn't hear. McMahon reminded Horny of who won the Rumble almost a decade ago - himself. He said Hornswoggle could be the next McMahon to win the Rumble. McMahon booked Horny and a partner in a Rumble qualifying match, which would be revealed later.
[Q4]
Time for the lingerie pillow fight. Melina came out in a bellydancing number. Lawler called it just as I wrote it. Jillian Hall, with her newly recorded entrance music, came out next. Maria came out in a 1920's flappers outfit. Mickie James in pig tails and a polka dot bikini. Before the match could start, Ashley made her surprise return to WWE with pink streaks in her short hair.
3 -- MICKIE JAMES vs. MARIA vs. MELINA vs. JILLIAN HALL vs. ASHLEY MASSARO
There was a giant bed in the ring. Pillows began to fly everywhere as there was an odd humming in the background. Bad memories of that stupid electric cage match TNA did in St. Louis at the Lockdown PPV. The humming stopped and the crowd popped. Maria with the first highspot of the night with a Bronco Buster on Ashley in the corner. They started doing moves on the bed. Reminds me of the numerous hotel beds my brother and I broke having impromptu wrestling matches years ago. Fortunately, the bill has never come due and the statute of limitations has well expired. They set up Jillian in center bed. Ashely then came off the top rope with an elbow drop on Jillian for the pin and the win. Afterward, the babyface divas bounced on the bed.
WINNER: Ashley in 4:00. Not quite as titillating when they start in the lingerie instead of starting in a robe, and then moving to the lingerie. OK, I've fulfilled my duties of offering analysis today. (n/a)
They went to Triple H walking backstage looking very unhappy and determined. Talk about a segue.
Before going to break, they plugged WWE going to HD with Raw in two weeks.
[Commercial Break]
ECW tomorrow night is C.M. Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero. OK, I'm pretty sure Chavo lost his title opportunity last week. Whatev.
They went to an exterior shot of the Mohegan Sun Casino. They went backstage where Hornswoggle tried to get Super Crazy as his partner, but Crazy said he's not that crazy. Horny then spotted someone off camera and ran away. Ross recapped that if Horny can find a partner to beat another team, they'll both qualify for the Rumble.
Time for the First Blood match. William Regal came out first to his classical music. He needs a GM theme music and a wrestler theme music because the soft classical piece doesn't do much to set up a wrestling match. But, the juxtaposition does generate a bigger pop for Hunter's theme music.
[Q5 -- second hour]
4 -- TRIPLE H vs. WILLIAM REGAL -- First Blood match
Ross gave Regal instant credibility in the match by referencing him fighting for a living at the age of 15 in Blackpool, England. They went to the outside to start things off, and Hunter tried to jam Regal's face into the ring steps. He then tried to chuck the steps into Regal's face, but Regal moved just in time. Regal and Hunter traded blows into the ringpost, then Regal landed left hand jabs to Hunter's face. Back in the ring, Regal took off one of the corner turnbuckle pads. He then jammed Hunter's forehead into the exposed steel before landing more left hand blows. He tried to open up Hunter with more jabs before walking into a left knee strike. Still no blood. Hunter blocked a blow into the exposed steel, then Hunter landed repeat head blows into the exposed steel. Hunter went for the Pedigree, but Regal blocked and slingshot him head-first into the steel post above the turnbuckle. Regal then nailed a running knee strike to the face. Still no blood. Good heat for this. Regal slowly walked to the outside and picked up a pair of brass knucks. He gave the object a kiss, then approached Hunter back in the ring. Hunter blocked, though, and nailed a spinebuster in center ring. He grabbed Regal by the hair and tried to open him up with repeat knuckle punches to the forehead that eventually got blood from the forehead. With the match over, Hunter added insult to injury with the Pedigree in center ring. On the way out of the ring, he knocked over the cameraman for good measure. Ross with the line that sticks: Hunter is still not in the Royal Rumble.
WINNER: Hunter in 7:00. Nice TV match. Hunter gave Regal enough offense to remind viewers why Regal is more than just a puppet GM. (**)
They aired a video package on Jeff Hardy trying to reach the pinnacle of wrestling he's been short of in his career. Before the Rumble, they really need a 15-minute "DVD documentary" video package on Hardy's journey to pull at the heart stings that open wallets.
[Commercial Break]
They returned with Hornswoggle trying to talk Santino into joining him. Santino laughed and said they should book Count Chocula and make it a six-way. (Coming to a TNA Impact near you.) He then said he should be put in the Looney Bin with Britney Spears if he teams with Hornswoggle. Santino said no offense, but little people creep him out. Is that the pot calling the kettle black? Carlito walked off, and Hornswoggle became dejected.
Ross and Lawler talked about the JBL vs. Chris Jericho feud. I forgot this was even on Raw, as JBL is still tied to Smackdown in my mind. They went to a video package recapping their promo exchanges. This LSU vs. Ohio St. halftime (in the PIP!) has got to be the longest one ever.
[Q6]
On cue, Chris Jericho's music hit and he walked out to the ring sporting stage one of a classic Jericho facial hair number. Much better look. Back to McMahon, who spun the wheel, but they went to break before the wheel stopped.
[Commercial Break]
Jericho was still in the ring with his music playing. Lillian Garcia then announced a handicap match. Snitsky came out as one of the opponents. Ross said that Snitsky qualified for the Rumble over the weekend. Not surprisingly per the anticipated booking, JBL came out as the second opponent.
5 -- CHRIS JERICHO vs. SNITSKY & JBL --- handicap match
Snitsky started with Jericho, who cleared him to the outside early. JBL then knocked Jericho to the floor from behind. Jericho got in some offense by slamming JBL into the announce table. JBL, with his Stan Hansen wobbly walk, then got himself DQ'ed when he slammed the ring bell into Jericho's face. He then grabbed a TV cable and started choking Jericho around the neck. Lawler asked where JBL got the cable. There's a tasteless line that would follow right there. JBL then dragged Jericho around the ringside area as if this were a bullrope match. They went to the top of the stage area where JBL continued to pull and yank Jericho with the cable. Ross with a line about Jericho being a Texas Longhorn being dragged around the pasture. He called JBL's actions reprehensible. He started to climb one of the light towers to apparently hang Jericho, but referees and officials eventually stormed out and restrained JBL. "You suck" was the chant from the fans near the stage.
WINNER: Jericho via DQ in 2:00. Other than the not-talked-about Benoit visual reference throughout this, it was a heck of a segment to get heat on JBL and set up Jericho's eventual comeback. JBL is so limited physically, but so gifted as a natural heel. (n/a)
[Q7]
[Commercial Break]
The ECW plug for tomorrow night says Chavo failed against C.M. Punk last week, but he gets a second chance to become #1 contender tomorrow night. Will he get a third, fourth, and fiftieth like Marty Jannetty?
They returned for Ross and Lawler to recap Jericho's attack on Jericho in the previous segment. Ross said JBL treated Jericho like a farm animal.
The Highlanders were in the ring ready for a tag match. Hornswoggle then came out with an average-sized human being who was in good physical shape named B.K. Jordan. The laugh is that he's not 250 pounds with muscles bulging everywhere. Suddenly, Mick Foley's music hit and Foley told Jordan to bail. Better pop for Foley than during his recent cameo appearances.
6 -- THE HIGHLANDERS vs. HORNSWOGGLE MCMAHON & MICK FOLEY -- Rumble entry match
Foley started things off in his street clothes and tagged out to Hornswoggle, who got some offense before Foley tagged back in. The Highlanders then cornered Foley and started working him over. Foley then made his comeback with Socko and a DDT. Hornswoggle took a tag and came off the top with a tadpole splash on Robbie for the win. "Hornswoggle and Foley are going to the Rumble!" declared Ross. Let the celebration begin at the casino.
WINNERS: Foley & Hornswoggle in 3:00. Tongith's self-depreciation line from Foley would be Foley trying to get another paycheck via a McMahon. (1/2*)
The ominous music hit as they lowered the cage for the main event of Hardy vs. Umaga. No sign of Orton tonight, so unless he took the week off to do some interior decorating, the run-in is coming. Oh yeah, and where's Flair? Apparently the pattern is hype, big hype, match, Flair doesn't exist, repeat.
[Commercial Break]
[Q8]
Another plug for WWEHD starting in two weeks. Ringside, Lillian Garcia announced the rules for the cage match. Jeff Hardy's music hit first and the girls went wild. They focused on a sign in the crowd held by a good-looking twentysomething: "Jeff Hardy is a rock star." Umaga came out and pounded his fists on the ring steps. No surprise run-in tonight, as Randy Orton's music hit before the match started. He strolled out with the WWE Title over his shoulder to get a closer look at the action.
7 -- IC champion JEFF HARDY vs. UMAGA -- steel cage match
The match started with Umaga quickly going on the offensive. He missed with a corner splash and ate the ringpost. Umaga then tried to launch Hardy into the cage wall, but Hardy clung to the wall as if he were Spiderman. He tried to climb out, but Umaga yanked him down as Orton screamed at him from outside the cage.
[Commercial Break]
They returned with a camera shot from the back of Orton's head as he looked into the cage from ringside. During the break, Umaga ran over Hardy with power offense. He continued to rip into Hardy as Orton screamed at him from ringside. Ross started to talk about the 3ds of Orton: damage... and then the announcers went silent for several seconds. Usually that's when the producers in the headset are relaying information or cutting off the line. At 7:00, Hardy tried to make his comeback, but Umaga back dropped him into the steel cage wall. Umaga made a cover, but Hardy got his foot on the rope.
[Q9 -- over-run]
Orton had enough and chucked a chair way over the cage and the ring for Umaga to use. And then another chair. And another chair. Umaga picked up one chair and nailed Hardy in the back. He kicked out of a pin at 10:00, though. Orton became frustrated with Umaga's inability to put Hardy away. Umaga started climbing the cage, but Hardy got up and crotched Umaga on the top rope. Hardy then ran off one of the chairs and jump kicked Umaga off the ropes. Hardy then measured Umaga for the Twist of Fate, but Umaga shoved him off and nailed a jab to the throat. Much to Orton's delight, Umaga set up the running rear splash in the corner, but Hardy moved and made his big comeback. He chucked a chair into Umaga's upper torso, then he hit a DDT face-first into the seat of a chair. Hardy tried to leave the cage, but Orton slammed the door into Hardy's face. Umaga made a cover, but Hardy kicked out to a big pop. With the fans chanting for Hardy, he blocked the Samoan Spike and nailed the Twist of Fate. Hardy then looked around the cage trying to figure a way out with Orton stalking the cage. Hardy ripped off his t-shirt, the crowd went nuts, and he climbed to the tip-top of the cage. No one was quite sure what Hardy had in mind here. With Umaga standing up inside the ring, Hardy flew off the cage with a Whisper in the Wind that caught Umaga in the upper body. Oh wow, what a spot. A very risky move, but Umaga protected him with his large frame. The crowd came unglued for this, and Hardy eventually rolled over and covered Umaga for the win as Orton stood motionless with his jaw dropped to the floor.
After the match, Lawler demanded a replay of the Whisper in the Wind. They waited for it, though, as Hardy climbed to the top corner of the cage and looked down at Orton, who looked up at him from outside the cage. Great camera work here to show Hardy looking down at Orton while Ross said Hardy is on top of the world. They did show the replay of the WitW, including a nice slow-mo video of Hardy crashing down on Umaga. They closed the show with Orton backing up the entrance ramp while Hardy flashed the V.1 signal from his perch atop the cage.
WINNER: Jeff Hardy in 14:00. The next John Cena is upon us. The possibility has been there for ten years, but now Hardy is coming into his own as a main event star. That Whisper in the Wind spot, with great build-up and reinforcement from the announcers, is exactly how a major highspot should be featured on a wrestling show. Hardy is unbelievably hot right now, and the match with Orton for the title should give the Rumble PPV a significant boost beyond the buys generated by the Rumble match itself. (***3/4)
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