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By James Caldwell, Torch columnist

TNA Impact on Spike TV
January 17, 2007
Taped Jan. 8 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist

The show opened with a video recap of last week's show, including Awesome Kong's title victory, Shark Boy's injuries, Nash's advice to Joe, Team 3D's proposition to the X Division, and A.J. hiding from Christian. Tonight, it's A.J. Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Christian Cage in a #1 contender match. "A Fish Out of Water" is the title.

Backstage, Jeremy Borash opened the limo door for Kurt, Karen, and A.J. Styles. Borash felt left out for not being told they were in tuxedos again this week. Kurt said every night is a celebration because they're the Angle Alliance. It's like Christmas! Eric Young then stepped in at the sound of Christmas and talked about post-Christmas sales. Angle said Shrek is in the limo, so Young went looking inside. Kurt then quickly closed the door to lock him out. Kurt talked up the three-way #1 Contender match and Borash tried to stir it up that Styles could choose to face Angle for the title instead of giving Angle two months off from title defenses. Karen quickly stepped in and said Styles has already made up his mind to give Angle two months off. Styles couldn't get a word in.

Ringside, Tenay and West introduced the show. Jay Lethal then came out to start the proceedings. Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin accompanied them. Shelley took the mic and recapped Team 3D's proposition from last week. The fans booed it. Shelley then confidently said the Motor City Machine Guns are good enough to win the tag belts, Lethal already beat Kurt Angle, however, if they beat Team 3D, the laws change and a weight division is instituting at 275 pounds. Shelley said Team 3D obviously won't be able to meet the weight class since they're fat and rotund.

Brother Ray interrupted with "blah, blah, blah." He came out on stage with Brother Devon and Johnny Devine, then said he already weighs 275. Ray said Devon is a touch over 300 pounds, but that's because he's training for Mr. Olympics. He said they're in the best shape of their careers - lean, trim, and jacked. They even had a cute gesture for that. Ray then recapped the match stipulations for when they beat Team Lethal. Ray led his team into the ring and Lethal said he has the stipulations right. Ray came back with an idea to show they are gentlemen. He proposed a handshake, brother. Fans weren't buying the handshake. After talking it over, the X Division reps. went for a handshake. So, there's the handshake. Team 3D then turned to walk away, but Team Lethal jumped them from behind to get the street fight started early. Matt Morgan and security then spilled to ringside to separate everyone.

Backstage, Crystal frantically asked Abyss about his secret from James Mitchell. Abyss said the secret is revealed tonight over his dead body. "The revelation you speak of will mark the end of father James Mitchell and Judas Mesias," he said.

They aired a promo for Global Impact next.

[Commercial Break]

[Q2]

Ringside, Tenay and West recapped the previous segment then plugged some other stuff on the show tonight. They transitioned into a video package on all the injuries suffered by Shark Boy in past weeks. Tenay and West put on their mad faces to show how serious they were about Shark Boy's recovery.

They went to a video package on Shark Boy being in a giant blue room while doctors and a hot nurse checked on Shark Boy. Jeremy Borash handled the interview with the "doctor". The doctor said he has been in a coma since last Thursday night. The Shark Boy family members, wearing blue masks, started crying at the bad news.

Back in the Impact zone, Tomko came out for a match against Eric Young. No sign of Young. They cut backstage where X Division wrestlers tried to help him out of the limo. Young finally found the door handle and emerged. He made his way to the ring where Tomko looked at him like he's a complete weirdo.

1 -- TOMKO vs. ERIC YOUNG

Young got the best of Tomko in the early minute, so he laughed at his good luck. Ya know, because he's a joke wrestler. Tomko smirked and went for a handshake from Young, who pulled his hand back and smiled. Tomko didn't appreciate it, so he dropped Young with a hard powerslam. Tomko followed with a clothesline for the decisive win.

After the match, James Strom came to the ring and gave Young the Eye of the Storm finisher. Ms. Jackie Moore celebrated with Storm as Tomko paced around the ring with his hands on his hips. Storm then offered Tomko a beer and he had a clean drink. Storm smiled, then they smacked beer bottles in an apparent agreement. That lasted all of one second, as Tomko kicked Storm in the gut and chucked him over the top rope. He picked up the beer belt and handed it back to Young before leaving.

WINNER: Tomko in 2:00. Apparently, Tomko's lone wolf gimmick is to squash smaller opponents, then feel sorry for them because he doesn't like bullies. Or something like that. (1/2*)

Backstage, Christian talked to Crystal. Christian said the time is here and now for Tomko to be his own man and not stab him in the back like A.J. Styles. Christian then plugged the three-way #1 contender match, including the usual skank jokes about Kurt Angle. So classy. Christian said he's leaving tonight as #1 contender.

[Commercial Break]

They went to a video of Crystal leading Dustin Rhodes to the workshop of his gimmick, Black Reign. Dustin didn't want to go in there, so Crystal dragged him into the room where Dustin fell down and started convulsing. Or something. I don't know what's going on here.

[Q3]

ODB came out drinking from her flask. Angelina Love then came out to face ODB, who interrupted the crotch burn entrance to start the match.

2 -- ODB vs. ANGELINA LOVE

Tenay and West talked about Awesome Kong winning the Women's Title from Gail Kim last week, with Gail suffering a concussion. West, ever the classy guy, said ODB's name stands for one dirty bitch. ODB had control, then Angelina came back with a seated neckbreaker for a nearfall. Angelina with a running knee into a boot smash for a nearfall. ODB came back with a hard clothesline, then she smacked her boobs as a sign of powering up. ODB caught Angelina off the ropes and landed a running powerslam for the pin and the win.

Afterward, Tenay said ODB has the opportunity to match Awesome Kong if they ever see that match. ODB then suddenly had a mic in hand. She said Kong has beaten every broad in TNA, but she hasn't beaten the O-D-B. Strong reaction for ODB, who said she has a great idea for a title match at Against All Odds. ODB said she loves to fight, and sometimes, she likes to get whooped. Kong won't be whooping her, though. Now for a drink from the flask.

WINNER: ODB in 3:00. Good set-up for ODB's title chase against Kong. Nice to see a logical storyline in TNA. (3/4*)

They went back to Crystal, who walked up to Kevin Nash's locker room to eavesdrop on Nash's conversation with someone. Nash said everyone knows the person is money, so all he needs to do is win tonight. It all starts tonight - the money, the fame, the babes. They smacked fists, then the camera panned right to show Samoa Joe on the receiving end of Nash's pep talk. Crystal acted surprised for some reason.

[Commercial Break]

They returned to Jeremy Borash for another update on Shark Boy. Here was Monday, Day 2. Chris Harris was bedside mocking the whole thing. He said Shark Boy doesn't deserve all this attention, and now he's lowered himself to get TV time by hanging out with a bunch of sharks. LAX then stepped in and started jacking various items from Shark Boy's room. Harris complained some more about the lack of superstar treatment he's received in TNA. Salinas jacked a surfboard while Harris kept complaining about his career in TNA being dead.

Segue to Senshi coming to the ring for a match. So, back-to-back segments involving two men not in TNA anymore. Kaz then came to the ring holding a rat cage, presumably for Marlena.

[Q4]

3 -- SENSHI vs. KAZ

Senshi opened things on the offensive with stiff kicks to the chest. The fans, having been trained to think that everything is a three-minute match, started their slow clap for Kaz's comeback less than a minute into the match. Kaz made his full comeback with a leg sweep into a turnaround leg drop from the second rope for a nearfall. Kaz avoided a corner splash from Senshi and nailed a leaping thrust kick to the face. Kaz measured Senshi, then hit the Wave of the Future for the win.

After the match, Dustin Rhodes, now dressed as Black Reign, entered the ring and smashed Kaz in the face with the weapon. He checked the cage box and didn't find his Arctic Fox, so he smashed the cage into Kaz's face. Reign landed right hand blows out of frustration before security hit the ring to pull Reign off Kaz.

WINNER: Kaz in 4:00. As usual, post-match took precedence with Reign earning his split paycheck as two separate people. Or something like that. (*)

Backstage, Borash interviewed James Mitchell while Judas Mesias stood motionless in the background. Mitchell said there will be no bait and switch like wrestling fans are used to. Mitchell said the secret 20 years in the making will be revealed tonight to change Abyss's life forever.

[Commercial Break]

Back to Borash, who interviewed A.J. Styles in the locker room area. Styles then talked to Tomko. Oh yeah, they're the TNA tag champs. Tomko told Styles to take the crown off since it looks like a burger toy. Styles laughed, then talked up Tomko before asking for some advice on what to do if he wins the three-way #1 contender match. Tomko told Styles to do what he wants to do because he has a choice. Tomko walked off, then Styles blew off Borash's follow-up question.

4 -- LANCE HOYT (w/Jimmy Rave) vs. ABYSS

Abyss knocked Hoyt to the floor less then a minute into the match. Rave then ran into the ring and Abyss press slammed him to the floor. James Mitchell walked out on stage and asked if Abyss was ready to reveal the secret. Abyss shook his head no, so Mitchell walked off to go find the secret backstage. The action resumed in the ring with Hoyt giving Abyss a modified powerslam before going up top where he missed with a moonsault. Abyss with the Black Hole Slam for the win.

WINNER: Abyss in 2:00. Another short squash match. (1/2*)

[Q5 -- second hour]

Afterward, Mitchell appeared on the video screen. He addressed Abyss while Abyss kept telling the cameraman to cut Mitchell off. Mitchell talked about Abyss being the apple of mommy's eye, and she let him run around getting into dangerous things. (That must explain the obbessions with thumbtacks.) Mitchell said the father of the house had to keep him in line, which upset Abyss. "Excuse me, Chris, if I have no compassion!" he screamed. Mitchell then talked about his bi-polar b---- mom shooting an unarmed man in the back three times while Abyss stood by and did nothing.

Mitchell said that it doesn't matter whether Abyss changes his last name to his mother's maiden name of Parks, because he can't escape one reality. "I am your father!" Mitchell screamed. Abyss dropped to his knees in frustration. Mitchell shouted that Abyss can't wash his genes from him. Mitchell said that every time Abyss calls him bad names, he should look in the mirror and see that he's every bit part of him. Abyss held his hair back in shock as Tenay quietly said all the pieces of the puzzle have come together. The crowd was silent throughout this before chanting for Abyss as they faded to commercial.

[Commercial Break]

They came back and re-visited Mitchell's revelation. Tenay and West recapped the segment, then said all their questions are answered on the secret. Tenay got word in his ear that the cameras were following Abyss backstage. Crystal tried to get an interview, but Abyss shoved the camera away and grunted.

Back to the Impact zone where Robert Roode came out with his new valet, Peyton Banks. Sonjay Dutt then came out and playfully grabbed So Cal Val's rear end.

5 -- ROBERT ROODE (w/Peyton Banks) vs. SONJAY DUTT

Tenay gave an update on Sharmell having her jaw wired shut. Dutt knocked Roode to the outside in the opening minute, and Dutt landed a flip dive on the floor. Banks then grabbed Dutt's foot as he stood on the apron and Roode took advantage with a slam to the floor. Roode tossed him back into the ring as Ms. Brooks bounced to ringside. Ref Earl Hebner told her to leave as they cut to break.

[Commercial Break]

They returned with Dutt putting up a fight against Roode, who landed a spinebuster in center ring for a nearfall. Brooks was still ringside staring down Banks. Dutt came back with a seated press off the ropes for a nearfall. He went for another springboard move, but Roode cut him off. Roode then landed a Perfectplex for the pin and the win.

WINNER: Roode in 8:00. About four minutes of TV time for this one, so right in line with TNA's short-match philosophy. Storylines took precedence over the in-ring action. (3/4*)

[Q6]

After the match, Banks taunted Brooks, who stood on the outside. Brooks then hopped into the ring and jumped Banks. The camera got plenty of thong shots. Brooks slapped Roode, then speared Banks. Roode caught Brooks from behind, though, and Banks slapped Brooks across the face. Matt Morgan eventually made the save for Brooks, who held her jaw in pain.

They went backstage where Borash interviewed A.J. Styles while Karen Angle whispered in his ear that he'll do the right thing for the Angles. Karen walked off and Styles checked her out from behind. Styles asked Borash if he has lipstick on him.

Suddenly, Crystal was backstage with VKM. B.G. said his partner is on the way to the building right now. Kip laughed and said he hopes he's right, then he playfully slapped him on the cheek. Roxxi was concerned.

[Commercial Break. A local promo aired for Booker's PWA show tomorrow night in Pasadena, Tex.]

Time for another dire update from Borash at Shark Boy's bedside on Day 3, Tuesday. Angelina Love and the other one came into the room and suggested mouth-to-mouth on Shark Boy. One of Shark Boy's eager "relatives" jumped on top of Shark Boy to get some, but the knockouts weren't willing to stoop that low. They left, then Borash shoved the eager relative off Shark Boy, who remained in his coma.

VKM came out and they had a heart-to-heart while Roxxi stood by quietly. Kip said they've been tag partners for ten years, so why is he throwing it all away. B.G. asked for five minutes of Kip's time to explain. B.G. said he's been blessed by God to live his dream as a pro wrestler. He said he's had one hero in life, and he made him who he is. B.G. introduced Bullet Bob Armstrong as his tag partner. Ah, it was all a rib on Kip! Everyone be happy! Bob jogged to the ring and hugged B.G. while Kip stood off in the corner. Bob then extended a hand, but Kip gave him a hug instead. All three stood tall in the ring. A quick segment to get the payoff.

[Commercial Break]

[Q7]

Back to the Shark Tank with Borash on Day 4, Wednesday. Dr. Fishman and nurse Baas were bedside. Get it? Eric Young then walked in after hearing the news. He talked randomly about someone fighting to the bitter end. Shark Boy's eyes began to open as Dr. Fishman leaned in close. Shark Boy suddenly sat up and did his Steve Austin impression. Don West forced out a line about Shark Boy saying it all. It's like West isn't even thinking about what he's reading - just saying it with no emotion.

In the Impact zone, Kurt Angle walked out and plugged his match against Yuji Nagata on the Global Impact show next. That was all.

Back in Jim Cornette's office, Petey Williams and Scott Steiner sat around Cornette for a meeting. Cornette gave the pitch about what the X Division is about. He said it's not about weight limits, but about passion and putting your body on the line and showing you're the best wrestler ever. They inserted silence so everyone could have a good laugh since the X Division has been a joke for over a year. Scott Steiner asked, it's not about 4 feet tall and being 125 pounds? No! Cornette said. He said it's about showing you're the best at what you do. Steiner said he's the best, so he switched the briefcase with Petey and left. Now, Petey presumably has the World Hvt. Title shot again. Cornette smiled at his sales job and said he could bring a tear to a glass eye. So random.

A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, and Christian Cage made their ring entrances for the main event #1 contender match.

6 -- A.J. STYLES vs. SAMOA JOE vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE -- #1 Contender match -- Elimination style

They went right at each other before the men spilled to the floor. They cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

[Q8]

They returned with rapid-fire action. Joe then flung Christian on top of Styles, who was flat on his back on the mat. Joe then kicked both men in the chest. He ended up on the floor where Christian locked in a submission hold on Styles, but Joe returned to the ring to break up the hold. Joe then caught Christian in the corner with a leaping kick to the face. He went for the Muscle buster, but Christian escaped. Joe then bumped the ref with Christian's feet, and Joe locked in the rear naked choke. Styles grabbed a chair while the ref was still down, then he missed with a chair shot. Styles grabbed the chair again and smashed Christian in the face. Styles talked some smack, then Joe kicked the chair into Styles's face. Joe ended up holding the chair when the ref came alive. The ref assumed Joe used the chair on Christian, so he DQ'ed him. Suddenly there are rules in TNA? The ref bailed out of fear and Joe grabbed him by around the neck. Matt Morgan then came to ringside and told Joe to leave. Kevin Nash came down and played peacemaker while telling Joe to use his head and think about it.

* Joe eliminated in 10:00 *

[Commercial Break]

With it down to Styles vs. Christian, both men were recovering on the mat out of the break. Tenay recapped how Joe was eliminated from the match. Back to action where Styles nailed a reverse DDT for a nearfall. Styles then punched away at Christian with right hand blows. Christian came back with a hard clothesline that turned Styles inside-out. He then went up top and missed with a frog splash, but came right back with an inverted DDT for a nearfall. Styles then nailed the Pele soccer kick out of nowhere at 17:00. He went up top, but missed with a leaping smash and Christian speared Styles for another nearfall. Christian went for a top rope frog splash, but Styles got his knees up to block the move. Styles came to his feet and screamed in Christian's ear about finishing him off. Styles went for the Unprettier, but Christian countered into his Unprettier finisher for the win. Afterward, Tenay recapped Christian's TNA Title shot opportunity against Angle at the next PPV.

WINNER: A very good TV main event, but it takes a while to get into the big matches on the show when everything leading to the main event is bad humor, short matches, and random segments. Another match that proves Styles is good enough on his own to be a main event star without needing the silly character segments backstage. (***)

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