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CALDWELL'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 1/24: Ongoing coverage of Spike TV show
Jan 24, 2008 - 11:57:26 PM |
By James Caldwell, Torch columnist
TNA Impact on Spike TV
January 24, 2007
Taped Jan. 22 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist
OK, so we're not real-time, but follow along as we're on the DVR.
The show opened with a recap of last week's off-the-wall show, including Samoa Joe's wrongful DQ and Christian winning another title match against Angle. They showed a clip from after Impact where Kevin Nash called out to Samoa Joe in the garage, but Joe said he's done. Tonight's show: "You Will Never Forget Samoa Joe"
They went directly to the locker room where Crystal was suddenly wearing an outfit from the Karen Angle collection. Jim Cornette was addressing some random folks in the locker room. He said tonight's show is going to be a barnburner. For the X Title: Lethal vs. Devine in a street fight. TNA Tag Titles: Styles & Tomko vs. Sabin & Shelley. Suddenly, Team 3D barged into the meeting. Ray went right for the jug...ular on Crystal, saying their one-night stand wasn't even that good. TNA always full of class. Team 3D said Matt Morgan snitched on the tag title situation, leaving 3D out in the cold. Ray screamed about deserving the tag title shot more than the punks, Shelley and Sabin. Cornette said he'd let them into the match if they have a hell of a match and leave him alone the rest of the night. So, now it's a three-way. Ray said him and his brother love a good three-way.
Impact zone: Kevin Nash opened the festivities. Nash said it was obvious to everyone that Joe was screwed last week. He said he grew up where there were two ways of doing things: the easy way and the hard way. He told Jim Cornette to show up and do it the easy way with him mediating with Joe. Or, the hard way is Cornette ignoring this message, and Joe coming to the Impact Zone to deal with Cornette face-to-face.
Suddenly, some generic music struck up and Matt Morgan strolled out. Morgan said there's no denying it anymore that no one cares what Nash has to say anymore. He said the clique, NWO, and Wolfpack are dead. Again, TNA trying to be relevant by referencing WWE and/or WCW. Morgan said he's bigger, badder, and stronger than Nash. He said he is The Law in TNA Wrestling. Morgan told him he would grant him the courtesy of leaving the ring without a fight or he would put him out permanently. Nash feigned leaving quietly, then he grabbed Morgan by the throat and screamed at him not to ever disrespect him. Suddenly, Morgan attacked him from behind, but Samoa Joe hit the ring in upgraded dress clothes. He kicked Morgan in the face to clear him to the floor. Joe then took the mic where he said Nash asked nicely for the easy way, but now it's going to be the hard way. He told Jimmy C. to get ready because he'll never forget the name "Samoa Joe" after tonight. Joe and Nash shook hands to end the segment.
Backstage: And to the back where Jeremy Borash was in the Angle lair. He plugged some stuff while Styles and Karen played patty-cake in the background. Kurt had enough, so he hopped up and asked why he's running down the show tonight. Kurt said the Angle Alliance has some business to take care of tonight, so he needs Borash's full attention and support tonight. Kurt then told Styles to talk to Tomko about an offer to join the club. Karen then stood up and whispered something to Kurt. Borash and Kurt left, then Karen sat down next to Styles and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. Styles played dumb about what kind of favor Karen would do for him later on. Styles didn't get the hint until Karen lowered her dress strap to reveal the top of her left breast. Styles suddenly snapped to attention and went looking for Tomko. Karen rolled her eyes to show how silly it was for her to stoop this low. Or something like that.
[Commercial Break]
Backstage: Crystal interviewed Christian about whether he'll be MVP of 2007. Christian said something about the awards, but then wanted to address Kurt Angle. Christian said Kurt must be hard of hearing because Tomko said he wants to be his own man. He said if Tomko wants to pick a side, then let him pick it on his own. So, last month's build-up was around Styles's decision. Now, it's Tomko's decision. Isn't there a title belt on the line or something?
Impact Zone: James Storm and Ms. Brooks came out to the ring for a tag match. Robert Roode and his deer-in-the-headlights new assistant, Peyton Banks, came out as the other-half of the team. Her gimmick is that she's Ms. Books. For the babyfaces, Eric Young is still residing in an undisclosed location. Wasn't that eight storylines ago? Sonjay Dutt came out as the other half.
1 -- ROBERT ROODE (w/Peyton Banks) & JAMES STORM (w/Ms. Jackie Moore) vs. ERIC YOUNG & SONJAY DUTT
Tenay plugged the viewership numbers for last week's episode. West plugged the Global Impact show last week. They talked about Peyton's stalker status, and they completely dated themselves by referencing "Single White Female" from 16 years ago. Dutt took a hot tag at 3:00 and ripped off a series of high-energy moves. Dutt then ran into a superkick from Storm, and he took the Perfectplex (pay off) from Roode for the win.
Afterward, Ms. Brooks hit the ring and tackled Peyton to the mat. Women and men started flying around the ring, ending with Brooks on top of Young, who was trying to hold her back. Peyton and Roode walked up the stage away from Brooks while Brooks called Peyton names.
WINNERS: Storm & Roode in 4:00. Basic TNA tag match. And, at the end of the day, the wrestling doesn't matter since the important post-match storyline is between the two people who weren't even in the match. (1/2*)
Backstage: Crystal tried to get a word with Booker T, who just arrived at the building. She wanted to know about Sharmell's status, but Booker blew her off and kept walking.
[Commercial Break]
In ring: Jeremy Borash stood on some red carpet while So Cal Val stood to his left. Borash then introduced Jay Lethal as the X Division wrestler of the year. West told us to think about the year Lethal had in 2007. Um...drawing a blank here. Help out, Don. He could only give some vague references to a few title reigns. Lethal eventually hit the ring and Val blushed before handing him a trophy. She gave him a peck on the cheek, then Lethal took the mic.
Lethal then dropped the Randy Savage shades and bandana, which Val seemed confused by. Lethal then talked in his normal voice about putting his body on the line every week. He said he tries to entertain people, but as of late, he has lost his smile after the physical and mental abuse by Team 3D. Lethal said that for the first time, he's mad as heel and he doesn't plan on taking it anymore. He said he plans to start tonight by giving Johnny Devine the ass-beating that Team 3D deserves. Lethal said he's doing it for himself and for all these people. Lethal grabbed his Savage gear before parading the trophy around the ring. Val smiled and clapped for Lethal, who left the ring with a serious look on his face.
Backstage: Crystal tried to get a word with Black Reign in his workshop. He addressed Kaz that he wants Misty back. Suddenly, Samoa Joe stormed in and threw Rhodes down on the ground. Kaz then walked in and grabbed Reign's weapon and wig.
[Commercial Break]
Video: They showed clips of Shark Boy's time on his deathbed last week after weeks of taking beating after beating. They showed Shark Boy coming to his senses and cutting a Steve Austin promo at the end of ordeal.
Impact zone: Elix Skipper came out for a match. Shark Boy then came out to a horrendous remix of Steve Austin's glass-break entrance music. Again, TNA trying to be relevant by not-so-subtly referencing WWE. Shark Boy came out with the Austin strut, no bandages, and an Austin black vest.
2 -- SHARK BOY vs. ELIX SKIPPER
Shark Boy jumped Skipper before the bell and beat him down. He nailed a Thesz Press ala Austin, then Skipper kicked him in the back. Skipper with a side slam for a nearfall. Shark Boy came back with a kick to the gut and a Stunner for the win.
Afterward, Shark took the mic and cut a promo about the birth of a new-and-improved Shark Boy. For the past three months (what?), everyone has stomped a mudhole in his ass. Shark said he's not getting beat up anymore. Tenay and West cackled uproariously. Shark Boy 24:7 means he just bit your ass. Shark then grabbed some clam juice and chugged it like a beer.
WINNER: Shark Boy in 3:00. It's like someone in a backyard wrestling promotion trying to cut an Austin promo for his buddies to get a kick out of. Here is a wrestling promotion on national TV unable to come up with its own material for characters. Oh well. If you are entertained by it, though, then TNA has done its job. (1/2*)
[Commercial Break]
In ring: Back to Borash and Val for the TNA Knockout of the year: Gail Kim. Gail strutted out in a bright blue top and accepted the trophy. She took the mic and thanked everyone for making her 2007 knockout of the year. Gail said she's still feeling the effects of her concussion at the hands of Amazing Kong two weeks ago. Gail said Kong is a disgrace to the Women's Title. She said all Kong cares about is hurting people to put them out indefinitely. Gail said Kong put her down, but didn't put her out.
On cue, Kong's music hit and she stormed out with her "associate", Sayed. Gail and Kong battled in the ring, and Kong punched Gail in the head before landing the spinning back fist to the head. Gail sold a head injury, then Kong went for a powerbomb, but ODB made the save. After taking a swig from her flask, ODB charged the ring and walked into a boot to the face from Kong. ODB fought back with forearms, but Kong barely moved. Kong then smashed ODB with a clubbing clothesline. She went for a powerbomb, but ODB slipped out and landed dropkicks. A third dropkick knocked Kong to the floor, where Kong was held back by her associate.
Backstage: Kurt, Styles, Karen, and Tomko shared a discussion. Kurt told Tomko about the perks available to him if he joins the group, especially getting close to Karen. Tomko said he has a wife and kids at home that give him all his inspiration. Awww. A real babyface in TNA. Kurt laughed, then said they're talking about Karen Angle, not someone you pick up at the strip club. (Get it?) Tomko took offense to Kurt implying Tomko's wife was from a strip club, so he beat him and slammed him into a locker. They battled behind a row of lockers before cutting to break.
[Commercial Break]
Impact Zone: The fight continued to the arena where Tomko took Kurt into the ring and landed more right hand blows. Karen entered the ring with Styles to try to restore order with security people. Kurt rolled to the outside and told Tomko that he just blew it and now they're wrestling next week. Kurt screamed at Tomko that his stripper wife better have the night off so she can drive him to the hospital next week. Tomko had enough and tried to tear Kurt apart while Styles held Karen out of harm's way.
Backstage: Crystal slowly asked Johnny Devine about his match with Lethal. Devine, the current possessor of the X Division Title, slapped the belt as he talked about finally taking Lethal out. Team 3D then entered the scene to address Shelley & Sabin. Ray said they're going to beat down Shelley & Sabin all over the building, and even pin them on Crystal's chest because it's so flat. Always so classy. Crystal didn't sell, and put on a sort of evil smirk.
Impact Zone: Johnny Devine came to the ring for the X Division Title match. Tenay tried to quickly explain why Devine has the belt, but he's challenging for the belt. Lethal came out as himself without the Savageisms. He then charged the ringside area and they started brawling on the floor.
3 -- X Division champion JAY LETHAL vs. X Division belt possessor JOHNNY DEVINE -- X Division Title match -- Street Fight
Lethal pulled out a chair early on and rammed Devine throat-first into the ringpost. Back in the ring, Lethal gave Devine a DDT onto a steel chair. Lethal is serious tonight.
[Commercial Break]
Back in the ring, Lethal smashed Devine with a trashcan shot. Devine had a trickle of blood coming down his forehead. Lethal with another can shot to the forehead. He nailed a Kendo Stick shot to the head before hitting the Lethal Combination. Lethal then went up top for an elbow drop on Devine, but Team 3D came to ringside and Lethal wiped them out with a dive to the floor. Back in the ring, Devine turned the tables with a lift-up slam across the chair. Devine missed with a chair shot, then Lethal took the chair and hit Devine square in the face. Lethal had the pin, but Devon pulled the ref to the floor. Ray then snuck in and smashed Lethal with a Kendo Stick to the back. He dragged Devine onto Lethal, then Devon sent the ref back into the ring to make the three count for Devine.
WINNER: Johnny Devine in 6:00 to capture the X Division Title. Short title match with a commercial in the middle. Usual interference in a match where someone wins a belt, so the person losing the belt has an excuse. (3/4*)
Post-match: Samoa Joe stormed into the ring and scared away Team 3D, leaving the fall guy, Johnny Devine, in the ring to take forearm blows from Joe. Joe slapped on the rear naked choke as Team 3D simply walked away up the entrance ramp. Devine's eyes rolled into the back of his head until Joe released the hold. Joe raised his hand in victory.
Video: Mike Tenay did a sit-down interview with Abyss. Abyss said he hides behind his mask everyday of his life because he's ashamed of the blood that runs through his body. He said James Mitchell is his father, and he stood by while Mitchell abused him and his mother. Tenay said Abyss issued a challenge to Judas Mesias for a potentially career-ending match in a barbed wire massacre. Abyss confirmed it will be brutal, and the scars he inflicts on Judas and his father, James Mitchell, will never heal.
[Commercial Break]
In ring: Borash and Val were joined by former NBA player Kendall Gill to announce the most memorable moment award. Borash plugged Pros vs. Joes, then Gill hyped the show, including Kurt Angle's appearance. He announced that Booker coming to TNA is the most memorable moment of 2007. Booker came to the ring with a subdued expression. West said 2008 will be Booker's year in TNA. Gill then handed the trophy to Booker, who continued to look concerned. Booker said he know Sharmell is watching at home, and he loves her. He said he's been hurt in the ring before, but it's nothing like this with Sharmell. Booker said it's been hard for him, and he will get over it real soon. Borash asked when he's going to be back in the ring. Booker said he can't answer that question because wrestling is the last thing on his mind.
Suddenly, Robert Roode showed up on the video screen and said this is Booker's fault. Roode said that he never dreamt that Booker would actually accept the mixed tag match that he offered last month. He questioned what kind of man would put his wife in harm's way. Roode told Booker to hurry back home to Sharmell.
Backstage: Crystal interviewed B.G. and Bob Armstrong. B.G. said he knows TNA wants ratings, but he has a wife and kids. He grabbed a TNA t-shirt and covered Crystal's exposed chest. Bob then took the mic and said he's old, but not dead. He took the shirt off Crystal to show her chest again. Bob then did his Southern college football coach promo about taking B.G. to boot camp to get him physically ready.
Impact Zone: Hoyt and Rave came to the ring with Christy Hemme. Hoyt and Rave had Guitar Hero video game guitars they were pretending to strum. Tyler Black and Roderick Strong they are not. Christy, sporting a headset mic, pretended like she was at a concert. The wrestlers gave random shout-outs, pretending to be rock stars. Tiger Mask then came out as one partner. Out as the partner was Curry Man. He's hot. He's spicy. He tastes great. Christopher Daniels returns! They only had one chance to pull off that debut, and they delivered it with zero hype or some sort of storyline over the course of a few weeks setting it up. Ringside, Hoyt and Rave were confused. Curry danced it up in the ring before starting the match.
4 -- TIGER MASK & CURRY MAN vs. LANCE HOYT & JIMMY RAVE (w/Christy Hemme)
The match started and Hoyt & Rave pretended to be wrestlers. Next week, it's Angle vs. Tomko and the first interview with Awesome Kong, according to Tenay. The heels ganged up on Curry Man to start things off. Rave with a knee strike to the head for a nearfall. Mask took a tag at 3:00, and he dropped Rave with a back breaker. He then executed a nice butterfly suplex from the top turnbuckle for a nearfall. The action broke down, then Curry Man rammed Rave into Hoyt's gut. Hoyt missed with a running kick and spilled to the floor. Tiger Mask with a diving headbutt on Rave for the win.
WINNERS: Tiger Mask & Curry Man in 4:00. Standard, short tag match. Curry Man = greatness, but there was no back story for it mean to much. As in all wrestling storylines, follow-up is key. And why Hoyt & Rave & Hemme suddenly think they're rock stars could use an explanation. But, that's asking way too much, and is probably more trouble than its worth. (*)
[Commercial Break]
Video: A very fast-paced Brock Lesnar training video aired. He did a sit-down interview talking about people starving for a real heavyweight. He said this isn't b.s. because he's coming to win. Kurt Angle, doing his interview portion from the Impact Zone, said Lesnar is training nine hours a day. Dana White said Lesnar is dedicated to becoming UFC heavyweight champion. Lesnar said he doesn't think Frank Mir is a badass. Angle said Lesnar was world-class material in wrestling, and he'll be the same in MMA.
In-ring: Borash and Val were back in the ring to announce Samoa Joe as the MVP of 2007. Joe came out on stage with his nose turned up with a "yeah, that's right" smirk. Joe looked at the table holding the trophy, then Joe took the mic from Borash. Joe said the fans have spoken that he's the most valuable wrestler in TNA, but he can't figure out why he hasn't gotten his Heavyweight Title match. Borash was hesitant to answer that Joe had a title shot a few months ago, but Joe didn't win the belt. Joe said that's the right answer, but tonight, that's the wrong answer. Joe smashed Borash with a clothesline, then Val ran out of the ring. Jim Cornette then stormed the ring as Joe smashed the MVP trophy into millions of little pieces. Kevin Nash hit the ring and held Joe back while Cornette backed away. Security dragged Borash off.
Cornette cut a promo that Joe got screwed last week. He said it happens in all sports - baseball, football, basketball. Fans didn't like that excuse. Cornette said they can't change the finish, as it's Christian vs. Angle for the title at the PPV. He said he wants to make Joe the special enforcer for the title match. Joe smirked and Nash didn't sell with a reaction. Cornette said if Joe agrees to it, he'll guarantee him a title match at the next PPV. After consulting with Nash, Joe shook his head no. Cornette asked how he can make this right. Joe said he wants a five-year exclusive deal with TNA. He said he wants to get paid 15 percent more than Kurt Angle. If he gets his money and terms, he'll maybe just stop acting like a pain in the ass. Cornette said he can't make that call on the spot. Joe didn't give him any leeway. Cornette then stammered out that he'll have the deal next week. They quickly shook hands, then Joe smiled and picked up what was left of the trophy.
Backstage: Styles screamed at Tomko that Kurt is sorry. Tomko said he is going to take care of Angle next week, and Styles is this-close to becoming a problem with him. Hey, I n case you forgot, they're the tag champs about to defend the belts.
Impact zone: Time for the main event, where Team 3D came out first. Sabin & Shelley came out second. Tomko led A.J. Styles out as the final team, then Styles pleaded with Karen Angle to walk out with him. Karen eventually walked down the tunnel and frowned at Tomko, while Styles tried to place peacemaker. By the way, Styles has been wearing that crown the entire night.
[Commercial Break]
5 -- TNA tag champions A.J. STYLES (w/Karen Angle) & TOMKO vs. TEAM 3D (BROTHER RAY & BROTHER DEVON) vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (ALEX SHELLEY & CHRIS SABIN) -- TNA Tag Title match
The match broke down very early, with Ray taking Tomko over the top rope to the floor. Styles was the last man in the ring after hitting Ray with a springboard forearm smash. Styles then flew over the top rope with a flying dive onto everyone. Suddenly, Karen approached Ray in a flirtatious manner. She likes bad boys. Styles then spun Ray around to inquire about his advances, but Ray casually chucked Styles into Karen. They fell down with Styles on top of Karen in a provocative position. Karen sold an injury while the action tried to return to the ring. Styles ignored Tomko and carried Karen to the back like a knight in kinda shining armor.
[Commercial Break]
They returned with Tomko on the disadvantage without his tag partner. Devon missed with a flying dive, then Tomko came to his feet and fired up. He landed ten punches on Devon, but Ray grabbed Tomko from behind and they did a Doomsday clothesline Device on Tomko for a nearfall. Sabin & Shelley finally got in the mix and landed their combo kicks. The girls are screaming for the MCMGs. Tomko suddenly dropped Devon with a lariat for the win.
After the match, Styles came back to ringside and hugged Tomko. After a brief moment, Tomko shoved Styles down to the floor. Suddenly, Christian Cage showed up on the entrance ramp to clap it up for Tomko.
WINNER: Tomko in 7:00 to retain the TNA Tag Titles. Another short TV match. In complete seriousness, why isn't Tomko getting the title shot at the PPV? Christian doesn't appear to care about his title match, while Tomko is being built up as the can't-miss babyface. At this point, TNA isn't giving the audience any reason to order the PPV for the TNA Title match of Angle vs. Christian. Meanwhile, Tomko is the only real babyface they have on the roster. Put the strap on him already. (*1/2)
They closed with the recap wrap-up video.
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