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By James Caldwell, Torch columnist

TNA Impact on Spike TV
January 31, 2007
Taped Jan. 22 in Orlando, Florida
Report by James Caldwell, Torch columnist

The show opened with a video package on Tomko. He came in as a sidekick to Christian Cage, but now he's more than Robin. He's one of the most elite athletes in TNA. But, now Tomko's independent spirit is being challenged by Kurt Angle. Tonight, it's Angle vs. Tomko. Great video intro. "Boss...or Partner?" is the theme.

Backstage: Borash was sporting a neckbrace while holding the mic in Angle's locker room. Styles and Kurt were arguing about which side Styles would be on tonight. Karen watched as Angle talked about him giving Styles the Angle rub. Styles took exception and reminded him that he's a former TNA champion. Angle said Styles was TNA champion when this company was a start-up. Styles corrected him that he's not one, not two, but a three-time TNA champion> Things got heated, so Karen tried to intervene, but Styles gave her a mild push. Kurt snapped at him to never touch his wife and get out of the locker room. Styles brushed him off while Karen looked concerned. Well, we have ourselves a wrestling show tonight.

In-ring: Team 3D came to the ring sporting weapons. Brother Ray broke down the stipulations for the Street Fight at the Against All Odds PPV. He said Sabin & Shelley & Lethal aren't taking this very seriously. Ray finally let the fan chants of "you're a fat boy" get to him, so he told them to shut up. Suddenly, there was an interruption on the video screen. Lethal and Sabin and Shelley were dressed up as the old Dudley Boys doing a parody of a parody gimmick on a parody wrestling show. Shelley even had the stuttering. Sabin, as Devine, said he doesn't even know why he's here because they never let him talk. Team 3D left the ring and marched backstage as Lethal mocked Devon's one-line. Team 3D made it backstage and they jumped the fake Dudleys. Ray told them never to make fun him of again.

The fight went to the ringside area where Sabin took a chair shot to the head. Ray then pounded on Lethal in the ring. Sabin took a weak-looking Kendo stick shot to the head from Ray, then Ray put Shelley through a table. Sabin took a table powerbomb. And Lethal was bloodied from the forehead. Ray took the mic and said they were once little boys in ECW. But, they were forced to become men. He said they became hardcore heroes, then went to the WWE. That's where they became legends. And now they stand here in TNA and those legends have become gods. Ray said if God was a heel, he'd be in Team 3D.

[Commercial Break]

[Q2]

They came back and recapped Team 3D's beating on Team Machine Guns. West said they were trying to be funny, but all they did was tick off Team 3D.

Backstage: Crystal interviewed Scott Steiner (possessor of the X Division Title match) and Petey Williams about teaming together. Steiner said he's cool with the X Division now that he realizes it's not about being 100 pounds and a little weasel. Crystal then talked about the X Division stipulation for the PPV where if Team Machine Guns loses, the X Division is disbanded. Steiner paused then asked Crystal how she knows more about the matches than he does. She recapped it again and Steiner screamed at Petey about him not telling him about this. Petey said he heard something about it while working out. He left, then Steiner called out after him.

In-ring: Hoyt & Rave and Christy Hemme came to the ring. They did their fake rock-star gimmick and Hoyt said something lewd, I'm sure, but it was bleeped out. Worst tag team ever. Petey Williams, then Scott Steiner came out as the opposition.

1 -- PETEY WILLIAMS & SCOTT STEINER vs. JIMMY RAVE & LANCE HOYT (w/Christy Hemme)

The match story was Petey on the offensive while "channeling" the power of Scott Steiner. Hoyt then ran him over with a big boot to the head. Hoyt played the air guitar before tagging out to Rave, who threw his hands in the air. Petey came back with a spinning neckbreaker before tagging out to Steiner, who clotheslined folks. Rave tried a top rope attack, but Steiner nailed a belly-to-belly suplex from the top. Steiner told Petey that's how you do it, then he tagged out to Petey, who did a nice transition into a Canadian Destroyer attempt. But, Petey spotted Steiner leaving with the briefcases, so Petey went over to him. Steiner then decked him with a briefcase shot to the head, then he left the ring. Rave then picked up Petey and gave him an inside neck beaker for the pin and the win.

WINNER: Hoyt & Rave in 4:00. Are we working on the third month of waiting for a payoff to that Feast or Fired match? Goodness gracious, let's see a match already. (3/4*)

[Commercial Break]

Video: They showed Bob Armstrong working with B.G. James on his training for the tag title match at the PPV. Bob showed up B.G. throughout this to make B.G. look like an idiot. B.G. tried to make a condom joke, but Bob let it go and told him to stay focused on sustainability. They showed B.G. hurling against the wall after Bob ran him hard in the parking lot.

[Q3]

2 -- HERNANDEZ (w/Homicide and Salinas) vs. KIP JAMES (w/Roxxi)

Hernandez, now with goatee, hit a leaping shoulder block from the ring apron early in the match. Roxxi looked on with concern as Kip went back on the offensive. Kip landed right hand blows, then Salinas got on the ring apron and Roxxi yanked her down. Things quickly got out of control, and Roxxi tried to throw some powder in Hernandez's face, but Hernandez ducked and Kip took the powder in the face. Hernandez with a clothesline for the win.

Afterward, Roxxi showed no emotion. She checked on Kip, then Kip yanked her around and asked what happened. Roxxi simply shot him a look. Kip then took the mic and said ever since they hired her, she has done nothing. Kip said the only thing she has done well is absolutely suck. He said she wears too much make-up, shakes around like she's having a seizure, and she walks around like she's Stevie Nicks from the 80s. Oh yeah, and one other thing, you talk too much. That got a laugh. He then told her she's fired. Roxxi left the ring without a reaction.

WINNER: Hernandez in 3:00. Typical undercard TV match that goes less than five minutes and is overshadowed by a post-match angle. (1/2*)

Backstage: A.J. Styles talked to Tomko about them being the tag champions. They started screaming at each other. Loud noises! They argued about Karen Angle having Styles wrapped around her finger, but Styles said it's the other way around. Tomko told him to stay out of his way tonight.

[Commercial Break]

Mike Tenay introduced a video package on the Brock Lesnar UFC fight. They cut to the video with Kurt Angle talking about Brock being one of the most-talented wrestlers he ever faced in the ring. Brock said Angle hit him hard, but he hit him harder. Angle talked about Brock's massive strength in the weight room. Frank Mir briefly talked. Brock said he's wrestled many matches injured and there's a high-risk in pro wrestling. Mir said Brock isn't concerned about his legacy, but fighting. Brock, talking in the third-person, said Frankie boy isn't stopping him.

They showed a video package on the barbed wire match for the PPV. Abyss did a promo in the video package. The usual over-the-top horror-movie references from Abyss talking about massacre and blood and stuff like that.

3 -- JUDAS MESIAS (w/James Mitchell) vs. CORY CHAVIS

Judas used a distraction from Mitchell early in the match to gain the advantage. Judas with the straight to hell finisher for the easy win.

[Q4]

Afterward, Mitchell took the mic and called out to Chris. He said he can now publicly refer to him as his son. Mitchell reminded everyone that he is his father. Mitchell said Abyss is a big, ugly, shameless, emotionally stunted oaf who is ashamed of his own father, a handsome, charismatic genius. Mitchell said Abyss rolls around in broken glass and barbed wire to redeem himself for the sins he committed against him. He said that the tragic family story is coming to a close at Barbed Wire 2. Mitchell said that Judas is going to use barbed wire to tear and slash Abyss's flesh from his bones. Mitchell said that just like when Abyss sat back and did nothing when Abyss's mother tried to end Mitchell's existence, he's going to sit back and watch as Abyss's stepbrother, Judas, puts an end to Abyss at the PPV. Judas chewed on a piece of barbed wire like a small chew toy to close.

WINNER: Judas in 2:00. Just a squash. Mitchell did a fine job of trying to make sense of a silly, drawn-out, repetitive, and difficult-to-follow storyline. (n/a)

[Commercial Break]

They aired a video package on Shark Boy's sudden recovery to become an imposter Steve Austin. They went back to the ring where they showed some canned fan reactions to the video package. Shark Boy then stormed the ring doing Austin's gimmick. Tenay said there have been many instances of wrestlers turning their careers around. Shark Boy then took the mic and said there's a new king of the sea in TNA, named Shark Boy. He said no one wants to come out here anymore to face him because they're afraid of an ass-whipping. Shark Boy with the 50th sea or water-related cliché in the segment, before calling out anyone for a match. He said it could be someone in the back, someone in the office, a janitor, a vendor, a fan, anybody. Shark Boy said he has a referee ready, but he doesn't have an opponent. Shark Boy then spun ref Slick Johnson around and asked him what he said. Slick said he didn't say anything. Shark cut a promo on Slick, who nodded affirmatively that he's afraid of Shark Boy. He told him to leave the ring, then Shark spun him around and hit a Stunner. Some security people hit the ring and Shark Boy gave them stunners. Shark downed clam juice to close the segment. West said a rattlesnake might scare you, but you never want to go near a shark. There are no words.

Backstage: Crystal stuck a mic in Cornette's office while Matt Morgan cut a promo on Cornette. Morgan said he's going over Cornette's head to get to Samoa Joe. Cornette told him to sit tight because he has a five-year deal that will hopefully calm Joe down with them having him under their thumb. Morgan and Cornette continued to argue, then Kevin Nash walked in and took a step back from Morgan's breath. Nash said if Morgan wants to fight, then Cornette needs to write a $100,000 check. He said the first rule of Nash's fight club is not fight for free. Nash told Cornette to get the deal done with Joe, or the word going around is that Cornette will be fired and Morgan will be out of a job. Nash winked and left. A.J. Styles and Karen Angle then stepped in and Styles begged for Cornette to cut the Tomko vs. Angle match. Cornette said he's going to do something about the match tonight. He told Styles to sit back and wait, then he'll call for him to come back alone.

[Commercial Break]

[Q5 -- second hour]

In-ring: Jim Cornette did the old line about the next PPV shaping up as one of the biggest TNA PPVs ever. He then broke down the PPV card. Hey, is Christian on the roster? I think he has a title match or something. In any event, Cornette called out Styles to come to the ring. Styles, still wearing his crown, walked out with one of the tag belts over his shoulder. Cornette said he feels Styles's pain and understands that helpless feeling. The fans chanted, "A.J. sucks" as Cornette got to the heart of the matter. Cornette said the match of Tomko vs. Angle will go on as scheduled with one minor change. The change is that Styles is now the special referee. Cornette pulled out a referee t-shirt and handed it to Styles, who threw a temper tantrum. He said Styles is counting someone's shoulders down tonight, or his contract is terminated.

Backstage: Crystal tried to get a word with Amazing Kong while her assistant, Sayed (Cheerleader Melissa) stood by. She interrupted and read a statement about Kong coming in peace. She does not wish to hurt anyone, so if you stay out of her way, you will be safe. Sayed said that if you get in Kong's way, she will destroy, maim, and break every bone in the intruder's body. She said Kong is a creature of peace except when agitated. She said ODB has agitated the monster and this is her last warning.

4 -- ROXXI LAVEAUX vs. ANGELINA LOVE vs. ODB

ODB, who came out drinking from her flask, went for a quick roll-up on Roxxi for a nearfall. Roxxi suddenly started shaking, but ODB gave her an ODB shake. They exchanged imitations of each other's "dance moves" and gyrations. Oddness. Angelina re-entered the action and gave ODB a two-step neckbreaker when only one step was required. Cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

They returned with ODB and Roxxi taking turns smacking Angelina across the chest. ODB and Roxxi couldn't agree on who should beat up Angelina, so Roxxi kicked ODB in the chest to knock her down. ODB then came back and had the pin on Roxxi, but Angelina had the ref distracted with her breasts. Charles was all-smiles, then ODB came over to see what was going on. Angelina then snuck around and covered Roxxi. Rudy then slid underneath ODB's legs to make the three count for the win.

[Q6]

Afterward, Angelina boasted about her victory, which upset ODB. Angelina then turned her back, and turned back around to take a powerbomb from ODB. ODB posed over her fallen body after the match.

WINNER: Angelina in 7:00. I don't even know why TNA has wrestling matches on the undercard, as the post-match action always takes precedent over anything in between the two bells. (3/4*)

Backstage: Styles, wearing his referee t-shirt, was in a predicament on how to call Angle vs. Tomko. Angle then walked in with Karen and told him to make it easy and call a pinfall for him. Tomko stepped in and shoved Angle, who punched him back. They had a brawl until security broke it up.

Ringside: Don West screamed at us to re-visit the Roode punch on Sharmell. They went back to footage from the last PPV of Roode KO'ing Sharmell. In the ring, Mike Tenay recapped the story. He then introduced a video message from Booker at home in Houston. Booker did a babyface promo from his living room about Sharmell at home recovering. He thanked everyone from TNA management and staff for their support.

On cue, Robert Roode came out with Peyton Banks for a mixed tag match. Roode cut a sarcastic promo about hoping Booker and Sharmell got his flowers of condolence. Suddenly, they cut to him calling for a break. Tenay screamed at Roode suddenly trying to run the show.

[Commercial Break]

[Q7]

5 -- ROBERT ROODE & PEYTON BANKS & JAMES STORM (w/Ms. Jackie Moore) vs. SONJAY DUTT & ERIC YOUNG & TRACI BROOKS

Dutt started things off and did some flippy moves before the heels started working him over in the corner. Young eventually took a hot tag and the action completely broke down. Traci went after Peyton and slammed her into the mat while the men fought in opposite corners of the ring. Traci then chased Peyton around ringside and to the back. In the ring, oh yeah, Storm with a superkick on Young into the payoff fisherman suplex from Roode for the win.

After the match, Booker flew into the ring and jumped Roode. Storm tried to fight off Booker, but Booker dropped him. They fought to the outside and up the entrance ramp. And that was it for Booker's swerve.

WINNERS: Roode in 4:00. I don't even know why TNA has wrestling matches on the undercard, as the post-match action always takes precedent over anything in between the two bells. (3/4*)

They showed Nash and Joe walking backstage.

[Commercial Break]

Backstage: Crystal was set to interview Kaz in a wig, then Kaz turned around and cut a seriously weird promo about his rat, Marlena. He had this facepaint and weird accent. Kaz then dropped the parody gimmick and said this is an example of the games Dustin has been playing with him. He said that if Dustin wants his property, Marlena, back, then come get it in a mouse trap match next week. There are still no words for this show.

In-ring: Cornette stood behind a table with Samoa Joe's contract on the table. Matt Morgan stood next to Cornette as he called out Samoa Joe. Joe came out in his tourists clothes with Kevin Nash. Cornette tried to play nice on the negotiations and said there are hopefully no hard feelings. He put over Joe for doing some stuff in 2007. What he did no one can quite recall. Cornette then went over the terms and bonuses in the contract. He said Joe has the most favored nations clause, then he asked for a signature on the five-year deal. Joe asked for a pen, but Cornette didn't have a pen handy. Cornette said it's been a long day, then Morgan produced a pen. But, he threw it at Joe, who didn't take kindly to that. Morgan then took off his jacket and piefaced Joe. Cornette spun Morgan around to yell at him, then Joe sent Morgan through the contract table with a suplex. Joe picked up the contract and ripped it apart while Nash had a good laugh. Joe threw the pieces of the contract down at Morgan while Cornette pleaded with Nash and Joe not to screw this up. Joe left and smirked on his way out of the ring.

On an aside, seriously, Christian does have a World Title match at the PPV, right?

[Commercial Break]

[Q8]

A.J. Styles came out as special referee for the main event. He was very distraught. Kurt Angle came out as the first wrestler and Karen joined him on the entrance ramp. Karen shot a smile to Styles on the way to the ring. Tomko came out next.

6 -- TNA World Hvt. champion KURT ANGLE vs. TOMKO -- non-title match -- A.J. Styles special referee

Tomko and Angle went right after each other, and Tomko got the initial upper hand with a clothesline over the top rope to the floor. Styles tried to do his job while trying to explain himself to Tomko. Back in the ring, Angle teased an Olympic Slam, but Tomko countered into a powerslam. He made a cover, but Styles didn't make a count. They cut to a break.

[Commercial Break]

They returned with Angle and Tomko exchanging forearm blows. Tomko landed a knockdown clothesline and he made a cover. Styles refused to make a regular count, so Angle did a nearfall kickout after about 10 seconds. They did another one after Tomko landed a running boot to the face. So, now they're killing the pop for a nearfall. Angle suddenly nailed the Olympic Slam and dropped the straps. He slapped on the anklelock, then Tomko flung Angle into Styles, sending Styles to the outside. Tomko and Angle then had a double clothesline in center ring. The fans started a very fast ten count as both wrestlers struggled to their feet. Suddenly, Christian showed up 117 minutes into the show and smashed Angle in the face with the title belt. Tomko then dropped Angle with the TKO and covered him. Styles slowly re-entered the ring and got in position to make a very slow three count for Tomko.

Afterward, Karen entered the ring and slapped Styles in the face. Karen then screamed at Tomko that Christian hit Kurt with the title belt. Karen checked on the fallen champion while Styles pleaded with Karen not to be mad. While down there, Karen and Styles might want to look for Angle's manhood because his character was just castrated with four silly nearfall kickouts and a pin that took half-an-hour.

WINNER: Tomko in 8:00. Styles's Indecision 2008 continues with a silly match that did no one any good. Tomko pinned the champ, but with Christian's help. Christian, the #1 contender, doesn't care about his title match, but helping out Tomko. Styles is a comedy figure. Angle has fallen so far so quickly from that great Global Impact show. (*)

Backstage: They suddenly went to the back where Crystal tried to get a word with Christian. Christian smiled and said Tomko wants to do what's best for Tomko, and so does he. Christian left Crystal gasping for answers. Crystal's not alone.

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