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1/31 Impact Review by Wilkenfeld: Solid action and the return of the head shot counter
Jan 31, 2008 - 10:35:31 PM |
By Daniel Wilkenfeld: PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: Last Sunday the wrestling world was swerved when an injured champion made his return months ahead of schedule to an explosive reaction. Sadly I don't get to write about that, but on the bright side Tomko is finally getting some respect. Last week Angle pushed a bit too far trying to lure Tomko to the Alliance via Karen, only to have Tomko have the audacity to point out that he's married and has a kid. The obvious fear here is that Tomko's distaste for Angle will lead to a reunion of Christian's Coalition and a nine month plot wherein a top stable teases breaking up forever until finally doing so months after the last person stopped caring. I'm not that worried though, as Tomko and Christian splitting and reuniting so far has gone far more organically than the artificially protracted decisions of TNA's traditional splintering teams (see: Live Kru, 3, and Styles, A.J.). Also on the card for tonight is Awesome Kong's speaking for the first time, which worries me a good deal more. A monster talking doesn't tend to go well. An ethnic manager doesn't tend to go well. woman who isn't Trish Stratus talking doesn't tend to go well (actually Nidia wasn't half bad either). A woman monster who isn't Trish Stratus getting an ethnic manager and talking for the first time is not what I would call a recipe for great TV. Also on the program we have Samoa Joe supposedly getting a contract that'll pay more than Kurt Angle's. I'll admit that I don't see an obvious payoff to this contract haggling angle, but at least it's a relatively new direction for a main eventing face.
The Show
The opening piece on Tomko's rise is really nice.
AJ is in the Angles' locker room, complaining that Kurt's putting him in an impossible position. Kurt says that he made AJ, at which point Styles reminds everyone that he's a three-time TNA champion. Angle has some not-nice things to say about TNA's early days, which I would think would make for a pretty good plot point. Karen tries to break things up, but when AJ blocks her Kurt gets defensive.
[Opening Pyro]
Team 3D and Johnny Devine are out. They've added the X Division Championship to the stakes of the six-man tag at Against All Odds. Of course if 3D wins they'll have to dissolve the title anyway—it's not really clear why Devine would agree to this. Brother Ray starts talking about how great they are, and how The Machismo Guns aren't taking this match seriously, when he's interrupted by some mysterious stuttering. Sure enough, the Guns are on the big screen channeling some old school Dudley Boyz. He stutters through a line about how they love tables, cause they like to play bingo on them. Sabin as Devine: "I don't even know why I'm here, you never let me talk." Machismo as Devon asks where the bacon is. 3D jump them and beat them with kendo sticks all the way back to the ring. Sabin gets isolated long enough to take a gratuitous steel chair to the head. Shelley gets tossed in and takes a kendo stick to the head, and at this rate I'm going to have to bring back my head shot counter. Shelley gets Power Bombed through a table, and bloody hell, that's a kendo stick shot to the head of Machismo.
Foreign Objects to the Head: 3
Sabin gets his head driven into the corner turnbuckle. It's padded, but since he was just tenderized by a steel chair I'm still counting it.
Foreign Objects to the Head: 4
Sabin gets Power Bombed through a table, and then Lethal gets up just long enough to eat another chair to the head.
Foreign Objects to the Head: 5
All this foreign object counting is actually distracting from a really good segment. Ray grabs the mic and says that the Guns are boys, and he knows because Team 3D used to be boys too. But they went to WWE and became legends, and then they went to TNA and became gods, and "if G-d were heel, he'd be in Team 3D." Okay, I don't like them, but that's an awesome line. He warns the Guns not to show up at Against All Odds and punctuates his point with another round of kendo stick shots.
[Commercial Break]
Moments ago Team 3D beat up the Guns. Weeks ago TNA decided not to trust their viewers' attention spans.
Crystal is in the back with Steiner and Petey Williams, who are apparently teaming tonight. Steiner says that he's cool with having an X Division title shot as long as there's no weight limit. Crystal points out that if the Guns lose at Against All Odds there won't be an X Division, and so his title shot will be worthless. When did she become the smart one? Steiner asks Petey if he knew about this, and Petey responds that it's not his problem. Steiner points out that if he has a problem, then so does Petey.
Rock & Rave are out, and do their same drunken shtick from last week. Petey comes out next, and has what appears to be an update of Chris Masters's entrance. I just hope this time TNA remembers that they're imitating something in order to mock it, as opposed to when they made fun of Big Dick Johnson by bringing out the Fat Naked Oily Guy 24 weeks in a row.
(1) The Rock & Rave Infection (w/Christy Hemme) defeat Scott Steiner & Petey Williams.
Petey hits some poses before taking it to Jimmy Rave. Tenay announces that TNA has altered its rules so that the champion will not lose his belt if he loses by DQ. I'm not sure what that had to do with anything, but I'll have more on it later. Petey busts out Steiner's offense, hitting a Frankensteiner and Steiner Recliner. Hoyt takes him down with a boot, but stops to play a bit of air guitar. He still gets a cool Swinging Faceplant before tagging in Rave. That's not a good idea, because it allows Petey to hit the Spinning Neck Breaker and get the tag in to Scott. Steiner dumps Rave with a Back Body Drop, downs Hoyt with a clothesline, and then catches Rave trying to climb back in with a Super Belly-to-Belly Suplex. He hits a Suplex on Hoyt before tagging in Petey to finish things off. Petey hits a Springboard Code Breaker and has Rave set up for a Canadian Destroyer when he sees Steiner absconding with both briefcases. He goes over to confront Scott, only to eat a briefcase shot to the head. Rave hits some sort of Neck Breaker for the win. They celebrate by piling on Hoyt for no real reason.
[Commercial Break]
BG is training with his father, engaging in a regiment of push-ups, bench presses, and sparring.
(2) Hernandez (w/Selinas and Homicide) defeats Kip James (w/Roxxi Leveaux)
It's about time Hernandez got a singles push, though something tells me this isn't it. Hernandez and Kip have a big man pushing contest which ends when Kip Back Body Drops Hernandez out to the apron. Hernandez, however, comes back in with a Vaulting Shoulder Block. Hernandez gets put down in the corner, but pulls himself up onto the top turnbuckle in one motion. Kip catches him, but Selinas distracts him before he can capitalize. Hernadez knocks Kip to the mat but then whiffs on a big top rope Splash. Roxxi tries to toss some powder in Hernandez's face, but he dodges and Kip eats the powder. Hernandez hits a big clothesline on the blinded Kip for the win.
Kip grabs the mic and complains that ever since Roxxi was brought it she's been useless. He says she just looks silly and dances around—okay, that's kind of a fair point. He also complains that she talks too much (she's said about two lines). He fires her. I'm not sure where this is going.
AJ is apologizing to Tomko for bailing last week. Tomko says that he should have punched him last week, and he might just this week. He chose the Angle Alliance and is following Karen around like a school boy. AJ assures Tomko that Karen is into him, but Tomko just stomps off.
[Commercial Break]
Kurt Angle and Frank Mir put Brock Lesnar over.
We get a video for Barbed Wire Massacre. It is not very good.
Speaking of not very good, here's Judas Mesias. That's probably not fair.
(3) Judas Mesias (w/James Mitchell) defeats Corey Jamis (maybe)
Mesias hits a cool vaulting move to the floor. The jobber actually gets in a bit of offense before Mesias Spears him down. He sends him Straight to Hell, and we're done. On the bright side they finally got a new character on TV who isn't a Satanist.
Mitchell grabs the mic and reiterates some plot points from last week. He can't figure out why a big stupid oaf like Abyss would be ashamed of a charismatic genius like him. He figures it has to be not shame but guilt that's driving Abyss. He promises that this chapter of their family history is about to be over, but sadly I don't believe him. They reference some child abuse. They also keep referring to Mesias as Abyss's stepbrother, which I don't really get. If Mesias is Mitchell's son and so is Abyss that would make them half-brothers.
[Commercial Break]
They recap Shark Boy's transformation. Is it wrong that I'm kind of liking this? Yes? Well the crowd seems to be with me, since they go nuts for his entrance. He grabs a mic and says that ever since he came out of his shell no one's willing to come out and have their ass whipped by Shark Boy. He issues an open challenge, and asks the crowd if they'd like them to see Shark Boy whoop someone's ass, and they give him a "hell yeah!" He says anyone in the building could accept—I'm surprised no one jumped the barricade. He thinks he hears referee Slick Johnson giving him some lip, so he trash talks him some. He tells Johnson he'll let him live, but as soon as Slick turns his back Shark Boy hits him and then gets him with a Stunner. Security comes out, and he has Stunners for three of them. West hits an okay line: "A rattlesnake might scare you, but you don't want to go anywhere near a shark." I would have gone for "A rattlesnake might scare you, but a shark will eat you alive."
Crystal is in the back with Matt Morgan and Jim Cornette. Morgan is complaining that Joe dropped him last week, and threatens to go over Cornette's head. Cornette says they're not going to do anything till they have Joe locked into a contract, and that Morgan shouldn't have started anything with Nash last week. Speaking of Nash, he comes in and Morgan's ready to go. Nash says that if they have $100,000 he'll go right now too. The first rule of Nash's fight club is "never fight for free." Nash informs them that if Joe's contract signing doesn't go smoothly tonight he won't be bailing any of them out, and that word on the street is that if Joe doesn't sign then Cornette and Morgan are out of work as well. Nash leaves and AJ Styles comes in. Cornette should really start closing his door. AJ wants Cornette to cancel the match tonight between Tomko and Angle, and goes so far as to get on his knees and beg. Cornette says he's been watching the situation and he intends to do something about it, but before AJ can hug him Cornette points out that he didn't say what he would do. AJ walks away, seeming happy. Poor AJ.
[Commercial Break]
Cornette's in the ring, and he thinks we should get Against All Odds. Honestly I might rather get No Way Out. Apparently Booker T's going to fight Robert Roode. Cornette calls AJ, whom he refers to as one of their most talented wrestlers, down to the ring. Cornette says that he knows how AJ feels helpless, but he doesn't have to be, so AJ will be the special guest referee. I finished typing that last sentence about 15 seconds before he made the announcement; it was that predictable. Cornette says that there has to be a winner or else AJ will be fired.
Crystal is in the back with Awesome Kong, but apparently it's her valet Sayid who's going to do the talking. She says that Kong comes in peace, and doesn't want to hurt anyone. But if you get in her way, she'll destroy you, and maim you. Kong is a woman of peace, except when you agitate the monster. ODB is being given her last warning. She says something in either Arabic or Farsi. So the Muslim says someone comes in peace, but might kill you anyway? That's going to cause a ruckus. That must be what they're hoping for.
(4) ODB defeats Angelina Love and Roxxi Leveaux
Roxxi knocks Love out of the ring, and then she and ODB trade roll ups, then do each other's taunts. A clothesline takes down Leveaux, and Love comes back in to boos I don't understand. She goes for the Chris Sabin Spin Kick DDT, but whiffs and has to do it as two separate moves.
[Commercial Break]
ODB and Roxxi Leveaux are fighting over who can chop Love harder. Leveaux hits a Scoop Slam but ODB breaks up the cover. The two of them fight over who can Slam Love next. Roxxi takes ODB down, tosses Love into the corner, and plants ODB with a Spine Buster for two. ODB comes back with a Running Power Slam, but Love has the ref distracted. When ODB goes to complain, Love slides onto Roxxi for the cover before ODB can react. After the match, ODB takes issue with Love's win by hitting her with a Running Power Slam too.
In the back JB asks AJ what he's going to do, and the best AJ can come up with is that he's going to crap his pants. Kurt wanders on camera and says that what AJ's going to do is watch as Kurt kicks Tomko's ass, and then he'll count the three. For some reason "ass" gets bleeped after "crap" didn't—see if you can make sense of that one. AJ starts to object, and Angle starts getting physical. Tomko, to his credit, jumps into the scene to defend his tag team partner. Security breaks things up.
After a video recaps Roode hitting Sharmell at Final Resolution, Tenay introduces a video message from Booker T. Booker says that Sharmell is on the road to recovery and he's sorry he can't be in the Impact Zone, but he thanks us all for our support.
Robert Roode and Peyton Banks hit the ring, and Roode wants a mic. He says that Booker's message was sickening and tells the production truck to go to break. Tenay has just enough time to wonder when Roode got authority to call for commercials before the commercial hits.
[Commercial Break]
(5) Robert Roode, James Storm & Peyton Banks defeat Eric Young, Sonjay Dutt, & Ms. Brooks
Poor Sonjay Dutt—he's gone from top ranked X Division competitor to whacky sidekick to filler in a tag match while Booker's out selling Sharmell's injury. Young is still sporting his drinking title, which apparently was not at stake in the DCS at Final Resolution. Roode and Sonjay start things off, and Sonjay's work is really just beautiful. Roode gets the advantage after a distraction from Ms. Banks, Sonjay retakes control with a Seesaw Kick, but then Storm trips him up from the outside. Storm comes into the match and nails the Eight Second Ride, which may or may not be the same as the Eye of the Storm. Roode takes Sonjay's head into the corner turnbuckle, but it seemed pretty soft. Sonjay does a cool flip in the corner but fails to land on his feet, so he quickly crawls over to EY to make the tag. That was a nice cover. Young is a house of fire, and things break down quickly. Tracy chases Peyton backstage, while Eric Young eats a Superkick from Storm and a Payday for the loss.
Booker flies in from the crowd, tossing Storm on his way to attacking Roode, whom he chases to the back.
[Commercial Break]
Crystal is in the back with Kaz, who's sporting white face makeup. He's apparently "White Sunshine" which is kind of clever, and calls his rat Marlena, which is kind of mean. He says that just like Rhodes has been messing with him, now he's messing back. He challenges Reign to some sort of pole match next week to settle their feud. Hopefully that means that it won't take up another PPV slot.
Cornette, flanked by Matt Morgan, announces that he's about to give out the biggest contract in TNA history. He invites Joe to the ring, and Joe comes down accompanied by Nash. The crowd is all the way behind Joe again as Cornette lists off his accomplishments. Cornette says that everything Joe asked for is in the contract, while carefully avoiding mentioning Angle by name. There's also something about "favored nation status," which I didn't quite get. Cornette can't find a pen, but Morgan pulls one out of his pocket. Morgan tosses it at Joe, which doesn't sit well. Joe Suplexes Morgan through the contract table and then tears up the papers. That doesn't seem very bright.
[Commercial Break]
AJ comes out in a referee's shirt and his crown, which is a nice look.
(6) Tomko defeats Kurt Angle (w/Karen Angle)
If Tomko is going to have such a prominent role they have got to get him some real theme music. He starts things off quickly with some decent brawling. AJ tries to calm him down, but he just glares at him as he clotheslines Angle out of the ring. He follows up on the outside by tossing Angle into the barricade and then the apron. AJ starts to count, so Tomko rolls Angle into the ring. He tosses Angle into the corner, but Angle slips aside and goes for an Olympic Slam. Tomko slides out and nails a Power Slam, but AJ won't count the three. Tomko just continues his offense till Angle catches him with a Drop Toe Hold into the corner turnbuckle (headfirst, naturally).
[Commercial Break]
Tomko and Angle are trading blows in the middle of the ring. Apparently Angle went for a cover, and AJ made a one count hesitantly. Tomko wins the brawling, and AJ makes another extremely hesitant one count. Angle comes off the ropes and Tomko catches him with a Snap Power Slam for a very long two count. Tomko nails a boot for another long two count. (West makes the point that Angle is probably taking extra time because he sees how slow AJ is counting, which nicely explains why he's down so long.) The crowd starts an "AJ sucks" chant. Angle finally regains control, nailing an Olympic Slam. He goes for the Angle Lock, but Tomko rolls through and shoots Angle off into AJ. AJ falls to the outside as we get a Double Clothesline Takedown in the ring. As Angle gets up Christian runs down and nails his head with the belt.
Foreign Objects to the Head: 6
Angle stumbles into Tomko's arms, where he eats a huge Lifting Neck Breaker. AJ comes back into the ring, where after a very long two count AJ sees no choice but to count to three.
Karen tries to explain to Tomko that Christian won him the match, but he doesn't seem to want to hear it. Meanwhile, Crystal catches up with Christian on his way backstage, and asks him why he just did what he did. He responds that "Tomko says he wants to do what's best for Tomko—so do I." Neat.
Where We're Going: It seems that we're going now the way of ECW, and I don't mean the good ECW. What began as appealing because of its differing qualities is being slowly morphed into the same old mold. Ignoring for the moment the now ages old problem of the X Division's slow and painful death, this week we suddenly did away with the rule that champions lost their titles by disqualifications. Here we had a rule that was designed specifically to assure the audience that we would never have to deal with stupid screw job endings—such assurance has now been taken away. Why? I see no advantage to this change in rules, other than giving writers a crutch when they can't figure out who should lose a match. They slipped the announcement into the commentary of an irrelevant match, which deprived us of a promo explaining why the change is a good idea. The obvious reason they would drop the news like that is that there is no explanation that would be in any way satisfying. Some changes are harder to make than others. Rebuilding the X Division takes careful planning and time. Cultivating signature main eventers requires individual talent and luck. But promising the audience that every title match will have a conclusion costs TNA nothing. So if anyone at
TNA is reading this, for the first time I directly ask for a slight change in plans, for the simple reason that doing so will cost you nothing and bring back something distinct to TNA.
Overall: This was actually a very good show. The opening segment delivered funny promo work by the Guns and Brother Ray's best work in years. There was nothing overly painful—even Mesias's squash was kept short. The main event was fun but short, and I like Christian's machinations at the end. For the second week in a row I think TNA's produced an entertaining if slightly flawed show. A-
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