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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
APRIL 3, 2008
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR

-A video recap aired of last week's show. This week's show is called "Morgan's Mess." Jeremy Borash opened the show wearing a goofy outfit, surely the result of losing a bet. (I consulted a friend, who doesn't watch wrestling, who described it as "something a sixty-something aging rock star should wear or a twentysomething rapper should wear, not a thirtysomething dorky tech-support-looking guy should be wearing. It looks ludicrous, like he's wearing a Halloween costume. I like the outfit, but on him it's just so wrong.") He stood outside of Jim Cornette's locker room because, well, if one thing has been shown over time, nothing hooks viewers like a shot of a goofy guy standing in front of a door talking in a circus pitch-man's voice.

As Borash hyped the show, Jim Cornette interrupted. He went on a hyper-caffeinated rant about having a doctor's appointment for his bad back and high blood pressure ("I'm a sick man, a sick man, J.B.!"), but he was two hours later. He said Team Tomko was given permission to have a fifth member in the cage match. He said when he's gone, "his" word is the law, so he can't lose his credibility and overrule his decision. He said "he" is driving him to an early grave. He huffed and puffed away.

Morgan stepped out of the office. He said he stepped up and made a decision when Cornette wasn't around. He said Christian Cage has to live with his decision. Okay, has the question been answered yet: Who is Matt Morgan? Why is he here? For those who remember him in WWE, why isn't he wrestling? Who hired him and why? But mostly, again, why isn't he wrestling?

-Team 3D, Tomko, and A.J. Styles walked to the ring. Mike Tenay and Don West began talking. West raved about last week being one of the greatest weeks in TNA history. Tenay said Cornette is crazy to allow Team Tomko to get a fifth member. Tomko began speaking. He said Christian used to tell him that he did all the thinking. Tomko said on Team Tomko, they think as a team. He handed Brother Ray the mic. Ray said having the greatest tag team of all time and the current tag champs in the ring at the same time is "absolutely incredible." He said he wanted to send a shout-out to Morgan, who "thankfully has an open mind, unlike that moron Jim Cornette." He said his second shout-out went to James Storm. The crowd chanted "3D sucks, 3D sucks." He announced that he was their new partner. Tenay said they should have anticipated that. Storm came out to his music with a beer in hand.

Christian's music interrupted and he and his teammates (Kevin Nash, Sting, Rhino) walked out onto the stage. He said he doesn't want to stand by and listen to a lush slur his words. He said he thinks it's not the booze, but he's "semi-retarded." He told him he has to face Sting one-on-one later. He added that Tomko has to team with Styles against Christian and Rhino later, also. "So if I can borrow a phrase from a friend of mine, it's showtime!" he said. Then he shifted to talking about Morgan. He called his "big, goofy ass out here." Tenay helpfully told us "this is going to be interesting." I did not know that until he let me know. Morgan stepped out and entered the ring, shaking hands with Team Tomko in the ring. Tenay and West were outraged at how chummy he was with them. Christian told him he wanted to know he's going to do for Team Cage in response to stacking the odds in favor of Team Tomko. He said he doesn't care about them. Christian mockingly said he feels foolish for assuming they'd get something in return. He said he feels confident with their odds, even with one less wrestler, "disadvantage or not." He added that the Instant Classic may have one more ace up his sleeve. Before we could logically wonder what that meant, Tenay helped me. "What does that mean?" he helpfully asked. He then reiterated what Christian said about having an ace up his sleeve.

-Borash caught up to Kurt Angle arriving backstage. Borash said he's been waiting for him to arrive all week. He wanted to be sure he was joking when he brought up having a sparring match with him last week. Angle said he's letting him of the hook - this week. He said he and A.J. are fine. He said as for Karen Angle, he know longer knows her name. Borash asked what's on his agenda. He said he's going to be sure "that bastard" Samoa Joe backs up his words and quits pro wrestling after he beats him at Lockdown. Eric Young interrupted. He excitedly said Super Eric is here tonight. Angle called him a "child" and a "moron." He said he (Angle) is the only super hero in the building. Angle walked away. Young shouted that he's no super hero because he doesn't have a cape or a mask or wear kneepads.

[Commercial Break]

-Backstage, Borash stood outside where a car sped up to the arena in the parking garage with Petey Williams hanging on to the hood. Petey was complaining about being on the hood since the Interstate. Scott Steiner said, "Come on, Petey, we used to do that as kids!" He told Borash it was between he and Petey. He said he had news for Borash - he was going to cash in his title shot tonight.

-The Rock 'n' Rave Infection, Black Reign, and Rellik cut a crazy promo backstage. When Rellik told Eric Young he's not in Smallville anymore, then Jimmy Rave interjected, "We still love you, Smallville!" That was pretty funny.

1 -- ROCK 'N' RAVE INFECTION & BLACK REIGN & RELLIK vs. MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS & LAX

They showed Willie Urbino and Hector Guerrero calling the show in Spanish. During the LAX ring introduction, Tenay began plugging the Lockdown Joe vs. Angle match. Tenay began running down all of the angles on the show and hyping the matches left on the show. The Machine Guns double-teamed Rave at the start. Young was standing in the crowd watching "the monsters." They cut to a break with the heels beating on Homicide at 2:00.

[Commercial Break]

Homicide came back with a Gringos Buster on Rave, then reached for a hot-tag. Lance Hoyt cut him off first. Seconds later he did tag in Homicide. He powerbombed Rave for a near fall, broken up by Hoyt. Tenay plugged that they had a "follow up story on the wrestler who got in trouble for being in the crowd on Impact last week. Hernandez finished Rave with a Border Toss.

WINNERS: LAX & Guns in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *

-After the match, the heels attacked the faces. Reign was going to use his "special weapon," but Kaz stopped him. When the heels eventually took control, Super Eric's music played and he made the save.

-Sting was interviewed backstage. He yelled and let his intensity get a little ahead of his words as he's been doing for 20 years on the mic. He said James Storm lit a fire that was already burning inside of himself, or something like that. Then he yelled that he was happy to be back. Not really good, but it's what you get with Sting and it works well enough.

[Commercial Break]

-Another "Rough Cut" vignette aired with B.G. James talking about how Kip didn't need to bring his dad into it. Kip said, "If Brian were here right now, I'd punch him in the face. When he woke up, I kicked him in the gut," said Kip. B.G. said he doesn't think the can team together until they fight it out, but after a drag-out fight, maybe they can talk things out like two adults. Sounds logical.

-West yelled at us about attending TNA in person. He mumbled a bunch of dates and cities. They showed West and Tenay on camera. Tenay made faces as West yelled some more about Angle and Joe. Tenay plugged the tag match. West plugged a women's match. Tenay plugged the main event, Sting vs. Storm. West wondered who the fifth member of Team Cage would be. What, he gets a fifth partner? That went totally over my head earlier. Imagine a point getting lost in the midst of the information overload TNA Impact usually presents in the opening segment.

-A sitdown interview aired with Tenay talking to Awesome Kong and Ryesha Saeed. He said there were preconditions. One, he couldn't stray too far into asking about their background. Two, the interview could end without notice if he broke the first rule. That's not really a precondition, though. It's more of a consequences that would be inherent in any interview. Wouldn't anyone have a right to cut off an interview at any point without needing to stipulate to that ahead of time. It just sounded kinda dumb.

Saeed said she was born in Syria but has lived in America since she was 15. She said Kong was born in the U.S., but lives in Japan. Tenay asked how they met. Saeed said she met Kong years ago in Japan; they trained together. Tenay asked the background on her clothing. Saeed said that's none of his concern. Tenay talked about Kong's wave of terror through the entire TNA Knockouts division. He listed every single wrestler she's defeated in TNA, then lied and said, "I could go on and on." He couldn't. That was everyone. He asked if there was anyone who could take on Kong. Kong shook her head no. They cut off the interview abruptly.

[Commercial Break]

-A vignetted aired with Consequences Creed talking about never having been on a stage like TNA's before. He said the consequences of his actions will change the world forever. "Are you prepared to face the consequences?" he asked. TNA tried to air that promo last week, but ran into technical issues.

-Crystal interviewed Storm and Jackie. He said he can't believe the fans chant "Brokeback" at him after he had watched Rhino and Christian made up. He said he doesn't care that Sting is a legend. He said he doesn't respect him. He said he can say he's going to make him famous, but he said he's already famous. "I'm going to slap the paint right off your face," he said. "After I put my fist down your throat, all you're going to hear is 'sorry about your damn luck.'" He must not be really worked up or mad or else he would have vowed to kill him. Good promo.

2 -- A.J. STYLES & TOMKO vs. CHRISTIAN CAGE & RHINO

Tenay began running down all of the angles on the show and hyping the matches left on the show. Tenay said Morgan let Team Tomko add a fifth member, but added that Christian has an ace up his sleeve. The crowd chanted "Instant Classic" at the start as Christian and Tomko locked up. West talked about Lethal Lockdown being the most brutal match he can imagine in TNA - until next month's concept match. They cut to a break at 3:00 after some good, fast-paced action.

[Commercial Break]

When Christian hot-tagged Rhino, the ref disallowed it since he was distracted by Tomko. Rhino got so upset, he gave the ref a Gore. Yeah! How dare the ref not allow a tag he didn't see. Way to show him who's boss, Rhino! Nothing is more admirable than being a hot-head who takes out his aggressions at someone who was just doing the best job he could and made an honest mistake. West said, "We knew he was going to snap!" Tenay said, "That's how you take your aggression out!"

WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR

The match broke down as the fans chanted, "TNA, TNA." Rhino threw Styles shoulder-first into the ringpost. Christian gave Tomko an Unprettier right afterward. Rhino then gave Styles a Gore. Styles did a full flip bump. Team 3D jumped Christian. Nash made his way into the ring with a chair. The heels fled. Nash didn't hit anyone with the chair, though. Cornette stepped out and told Dave Penzer that Rhino had been DQ'd, so ring announcer Penzer announced the results.

WINNERS: Styles & Tomko in 9:00.

STAR RATING: *1/2

[Commercial Break]

-Cornette yelled at Morgan backstage as Borash held the mic and successfully resisted making strange faces. Morgan told him he was there to enforce law and order in TNA. He said he'd be the referee in the Sting vs. Storm match. Cornette said he got him into it, so he better help him get out. He said he's going to go try to find a referee shirt that will fit over his big brain. Morgan pulled out a shirt. He already had one, but didn't tell Cornette that before he walked away. If I were Cornette, that alone would be grounds for firing Morgan.

-Another skit aired in the series titled "The Courtship - Jay and Val." Machismo said he doesn't have a home, but he enjoys relaxing in a jacuzzi. He said it's especially cheap when you don't check into the hotel first. Machismo suggested they take things to the next level. Val moved in for a kiss. Sonjay Dutt popped out of the water in a snorkel and said he was looking for a snake in the water. He told Val he liked her bikini. Thank God we didn't hear West scream, "Snakes in a jacuzzi! Snakes in a jacuzzi!"

3 -- "PRIME TIME" ELIX SKIPPER vs. SHARK BOY - X-scape Qualifier

Tenay began running down all of the angles on the show and hyping the matches left on the show. Lots of non-stop back-and-forth action for four minutes.

WINNER: Shark Boy in 4:00.

STAR RATING: *

-Tenay plugged that the X Division Xscape match had five of six entrants decided - Shark Boy, Curry Man, Sonjay Dutt, Johnny Devine, and Black Machismo.

-They went backstage to Crystal with Traci Brooks. She asked how her back felt. Crystal turned around and asked if she could see her welt and bruises. Crystal said no. Traci said that's because those heel, but her memories will never disappear. She told Peyton Banks that they won't have an athletic competition, they'll have payback - "and payback is a bitch and so are you." Velvet Sky and Angelina Love walked in and mocked her and said she needs to watch her back.

[Commercial Break]

-Crystal interviewed Shark Boy. He did his Steve Austin impersonation, while vowing to stomp a mud hole in all of his opponents. Curry Man crashed the interview with his music and danced. Crystal danced with him. Shark interrupted with some "Whats?" He asked him a "spicy-headed piece of trash." He said at the end of the night, "your bass is mine, hook, line, and sinker - and that's the fishing line because Shark Boy said so." Curry bowed at him. He said Shark Boy is always angry. Curry's music played again and he danced Crystal off the interview set.

4 -- PEYTON BANKS vs. TRACI BROOKS

Tenay announced that Kong & Shaeed vs. Gim & ODB has been added to Lockdown. Tenay again plugged that they had the exclusive details on the wrestler who got in trouble for being in the crowd last week at Impact. As Jason Powell wrote in his prowrestling.NET report, "Stay classy, TNA."

WINNER: Brooks in 3:00.

-After the match, Sky and Love attacked Brooks. Celinas made the save. Jackie joined Love and Sky. The crowd chanted "ODB, ODB." Instead, Sharmell charged to the ring with a whip. She cleared the ring. Booker T stepped out onto the stage and called for Sharmell to get out of the ring. He asked what she was doing. He was visibly upset with her putting herself in harm's way.

-They showed Angle walking outsde.

[Commercial Break]

-They showed Booker lecturing Sharmell backstage about getting herself into danger. She said, "When you married me, you knew you married a wildcat. So guess what, welcome to the jungle honey." Tenay told us it was quite an interesting dynamic between them. Then they went to a Samoa Joe workout session video. Joe said he wants to train with wolves, not celebrities or friends. He said Angle is training with friends doing single-leg takedowns. He said every time he tries to shoot on him, he's going to beat his ass. He said his gold medal doesn't mean (bleep) anymore.

-Kurt Angle came to the ring to his music. He said Joe promised to quit wrestling if he didn't win. He said since Samoans are "lying sons of bitches," next week he wants Joe to sign a legal document that if he doesn't win, he'll walk away from the ring forever. Scott Steiner's siren interrupted Angle. He walked out with Rhaka Khan. He told Angle that he's there to set him straight. He told him that after his match at Lockdown, he's cashing in his World Title shot. (Not the Money in the Bank briefcase, but just like it.) He said he won't cash in that night because that wouldn't be fair, so he's giving the winner one month to prepare, then he'll have to face him at Sacrifice. Angle offered a handshake. Steiner told him he wouldn't shake his hand. He predicted a Joe victory because of who he's been training with.

-Backstage, Morgan yelled at Cornette, offering up an idea to have a "Queen of the Cage" match. He explained the rules. They would battle at ringside to fight into the cage. The first two would have a one-on-one match and the winner would then be determined by pinfall. Cornette begged him to leave the brainstorming to the professionals and told him to make sure nothing goes wrong in the main event or he's fired. Cornette then asked Borash to lean in to hear him out on an idea. He then repeated Morgan's idea as if it were his own. He asked Borash what he thought. Borash said he likes it.

[Commercial Break]

5 -- JAMES STORM (w/Miss Jackie) vs. STING

Morgan stood in the ring in a ref shirt. Sting and Storm brawled on the ramp. Sting clotheslined Storm over the railing into the crowd. This is the shortcut substitute for Sting to actually have to take bumps while looking like he's having an extra-special match because he's brawling through the crowd. It fits the feud, that Storm ignited last week, but it's no less a short-cut of sorts. It's also a good idea if Sting's not in ring shape, and odds are he's not. After they brawled back to ringside, Jackie grabbed Sting's leg as he tried to re-enter the ring. Morgan DDT'd Sting back into the ring. Tenay wondered why Morgan didn't see Jackie interfering.

[Commercial Break]

After the break, Sting no-sold a turnbuckle head smash. Sting beat his chest and punched Storm to the mat. Storm returned fire with an eye poke. When Storm climbed to the top rope, Sting countered with an eye poke himself, then superplexed Storm to the mat. Storm came back with an enzuigiri. Sting countered with a Scorpion Deathlock attempt. Storm blocked it and went on offense. At 6:00 Sting applied a Scorpion. Jackie climbed to the top rope and dove off toward Sting. Morgan caught her and scolded her. As he yelled at her, Storm gave Sting a low-blow. Wen he turned around, Storm was about to use the ba against Sting. Morgan saw it and blocked it. Morgan tossed the bat to Sting, intentionally turned around, and let Sting KO Storm with it. Sting then scored the pin. Tenay - voice cracking - called it a "shocking turn of events" and asked, "What the hell did we just see there?"

WINNER: Sting in 8:00.

STAR RATING: *1/4

-Afterward, Team Tomko walked out. West, ever the delicate one, said, "They are pissed!" Brother Ray got in Morgan's face, poking his finger at him. Morgan hung his head. Sting backed up the ramp, keeping an eye on things. Team Tomko cornered Morgan. Christian and Joe ran out to stop the gang attack. Morgan sat back and watched the fight. Morgan joined in with a big boot to Devon. Styles couldn't believe what he saw. Morgan kneed him in the gut and then gave him a big single-arm slam. The crowd chanted "TNA, TNA." Tomko dragged Styles away as Team Christian stood inside the ring with Morgan. Morgan took off his ref shirt revealing a "Team Cage" t-shirt. Tenay said Christian had a gameplan all along to turn things in his favor at the Apr. 13 Lockdown PPV.

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