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KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
MAY 1, 2008
ORLANDO, FLA. - ON SPIKE TV
WHAT HAPPENED: 1ST HOUR
-A video opened the show that was shorter than usual hyping the Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle vs. Scott Steiner match that Jim Cornette booked last week. The show is titled "The Egotistical Eight." This was shorter, and that's better. Anything to try to stop the loss of viewers early in the show is worth trying right now.
-Mike Tenay introduced the show and hyped Samoa Joe & Kurt Angle vs. Scott Steiner & Petey Williams as pryo blasted.
1 -- CURRY MAN & SHARK MAN vs. THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS (Alex Shelly & Chris Sabin)
Well, Curry Man is infectious, but it's a bit risky to open the show with his ring intro. Shark Boy has been a ratings killer just about every time he's been featured, which is unfortunate because he plays his character so well, so this is a really risky start to the show. Mike Tenay excited announced the return of the World X Cup this summer. I'm a fan of the X Division. The World X Cup is a format that proves what critics hate about the X Division. It's a horrible concept because it bombards viewers with a bunch of wrestlers at one, many of whom are phenomenal athletes, but there's no time to introduce their characters to fans, so it becomes a tournament of a bunch of moves. It does more to hurt the X Division than ignoring it does. At best it teases fans who want to see X Division wrestling year-round with a dose of what they feel they miss out on every week, and at worst it turns off the fans who have settled into the X Division-free TNA product because they're not into a bunch of wrestlers doing moves with no context other than World Cup in a "fake" sport where they tune in for the personal issues more than an annual international cup that means nothing and is forgotten the week after the tournament ends. After four minutes of non-stop action, Shelly and Sabin knocked Curry and Shark out of the ring, then dove through the ropes and speared them. Once Shelly and Sabin returned to the ring, Scott Steiner, Petey Pump, and Rhaka Khan entered the ring and attacked the four "jobbers." Petey has bleached his short hair and grown a goatee to match Steiners'. It's a much better look for Petey with or without Steiner withh him.
WINNERS: No contest in 4:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4
-Steiner cut a promo and said he's not only going to take Samoa Joe's title, but he's going to take Kurt Angle's Gold Medal and "make you my bitch." That prompted Angle to the ring. Angle gave Steiner an uppercut, then tossed Petey over the top rope with a belly-to-belly. Angle then put Steiner in anklelock. Petey hit Angle from behind with a pipe. Samoa Joe charged to the ring and took Pete and Steiner down with clotheslines. They rolled out of the ring. Good interaction between these three. It was kept short, but showed there are no two-on-one alliances.
-Jeremy Borash backstage told A.J. Styles if he doesn't find a tag team partner, he'll be disqualified form the Deuces Wild tag team tournament. Styles paced and said, "I don't know. Usually I ask the stupid questions." He said it's not his fault that Tomko went to Japan and got hurt "in his MMA fight." He said he told him not to go. Styles asked Borash accusingly how Angle fought out about Karen last week. Cornette stepped out of his locker room and said at the end of the show he'll be announcing the singles wrestlers who'll be teaming up randomly to face the winners of the qualifying tag team matches for the Deuce's Wild tournament. Cornette asked Styles what he usually does on Thursdays. Styles said take the garbage out before work. Cornette asked what his work is. Styles said TNA Wrestling. Cornette told Styles to get to work finding a tag partner.
[Commercial Break]
-Mike Tenay stood mid-ring and interviewed Velvet Sky and Angelina Love. Their mid-rope crotch-rubbing ring entrance is much more effective without Don West commenting about how turned on he is by it. That's a bit of mood killer for almost anyone. Tenay asked Velvet and Angelina if they're ready to make "the ultimate sacrifice" and have their head shaved if one of them loses the match. Angelina said they don't want the "makeover" to go to waste, so they want to make sure it goes to someone who needs it. They showed an image of a bald Gail Kim on the relatively tiny screen in the corner of the Impact Zone. Then came an image of a bald ODB, too. She asked why anyone would want to mess with their God-given beautiful looks. She said it's all the "disgusting, nasty, greasy male and female" fans in the audience have to live for. Velvet said they can look all they want, but none of them can ever touch the Beautiful People. Gail Kim and ODB walked out. They shoved the Beautiful People down. A brawl broke out. The BPs bailed out of the ring. ODB said, "Since you two hookers seem to have no customers tonight, how about you two come back here in 30 minutes and I guarantee you that one of you is going to be in your favorite position - flat on your back." West announced the match as if it was suddenly official just because ODB proposed it.
-Borash was backstage when Angle walked past Styles. He stopped and asked if he's talked to Karen lately. Styles said no. Angle said, "Let's keep it that way." Styles walked into Booker T's locker room and asked him if he could be his partner. Booker T said, "Who are you? Are you someone's little brother or something? What you doing coming in here?" Okay, the idea is if Booker pretends he doesn't know who Styles is, all of the fans who don't like Styles (because he's a heel, even though he's got a dispute with top heel Kurt Angle, who just fought top babyface Samoa Joe, who's now in a three-way with Steiner who may or may not be a heel) will laugh. However, Styles isn't well-established enough yet as a top act for the new fans TNA is trying to attract as they attempt to grow above the 1.1 ratings ceiling, so having established top star Booker not know who he is, it demeans Styles too much and it's not worth the small laugh they're going for. Styles introduced himself. Booker asked if he has a pass to be there. Styles said he's the most decorated wrestler in the company. He listed all of his titles. Booker asked who he beat. Again, this attempt to demean the early years of TNA by saying their champions had no competition has been a theme before and it's something someone wanting to take down the company would say, not someone promoting the heritage of the upstart brand.
[Commercial Break]
-Lauren interviewed Joe and Kevin Nash backstage. She asked him about the three-way stip at the next PPV and having to team with Angle later. She asked how that was sitting with him. Joe said they see everything coming. He said he counts down the days to Sacrifice. He said he loves competition, and loves destroying people more. He said even more he loves being champ. Nash interjected and said, "You love the money. You love the money."
2 -- KAZ & ERIC YOUNG vs. LAX (Homicide & Hernandez w/Celinas) -- Deuces Wild Qualifier
Tenay plugged the TNA Mobile service early in the match. There was one of those really stupid and sloppy "saves" in this. Hernandez powerbombed Kaz and had him pinned, but wasn't applying any leverage. He was just sitting there casually and letting the ref count Kaz's shoulders down. Young ran in and gave Hernandez a forearm to the back. It did nothing at all to help Kaz raise his shoulders since Hernandez wasn't applying any leverage anyway, and the forearm barely caused him to - so WHY DID THE REF STOP COUNTING? Why would the ref punish the team that's being interfered against by stopping the count because of an innocuous attempt to interfere when all he had to do was slap the mat a third time, then scold Young for his interference? That stuff just should be weeded out of the product because it's completely unnecessary. There seemed to be a botched double-team move by LAX which the announcers attributed to Kaz's defense. At 4:00 Young got a hot-tag, but Homicide schoolboyed Young seconds later for the win.
WINNERS: LAX in 4:00.
STAR RATING: *
-Homicide called Hector Guerrero to the ring. Hector does the Spanish commentary for Impact. As Hector headed to the ring, they cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
-Homicide told Hector that for years he's studied tapes of his family, especially his brother Eddie. Hector began making exaggerated facial expressions as if the TV viewers are half blind and can't recognize anything but a clown face. Homicide said they want Eddie to be in his corner at Sacrifice to guide them. He said he can help them. Hector enthusiastically accepted the invite. Tenay said they've seen the start of a relationship founded on mutual respect.
-Lauren held the mic for Traci Brooks lobbying Cornette. He told her, "Traci, Traci, it doesn't take a whole lot of gravy to go all over my place." He said she's one of the people he can half-tolerate, so don't push it and he'll consider her request. (Traci's going to get her head shaved, I predict.) Matt Morgan walked in and said they both know what he's capable of, so he wants to be sure he's included in the Deuce's Wild tournament. Morgan said, "You owe me." Cornette said he wouldn't be there if it wasn't for him. Cornette said he'll have to wait until tonight. Kip James jumped Morgan from behind in Cornette's office to get revenge for the uncalled for attack in the hallway at the start of last week's show.
-A camera caught Beautiful People heading to the ring for their tag match next. The camera happened to be butt-level and behind them.
[Commercial Break]
-Styles knocked on Nash's locker room and walked in. He was analyzing Christi Hemme's dream. He said, "Sometimes a banana is just a banana, and a rubber glove is just a rubber glove." Christi left, but told Styles first, "We're going to rock your night, baby! Whoo!" Nash shook his head and said dejectedly, "That just killed it." Pretty funny. Styles said he wanted Nash to be his partner. He said it's big money. Nash said the big money is the World Title. Styles said Joe is the champion now. Nash began to stand up as he said, "Damn right he is." There's a little seed being planted that Nash ultimately is going to want a shot at Joe's title. I'm not crazy about a segment that suggests the tag tournament that's a huge part of the next PPV isn't worth Nash's time.
3 -- ANGELINA LOVE & VELVET SKY vs. GAIL KIM & ODB
ODB did her own version of the Beautiful People rope-rubbing ring entrance. At 2:00 they cut to a break.
[Commercial Break]
Kim knocked Love out of the ring after Love broke up a pin by ODB on Sky after a Thesz Press, which for her turns into a face full of boobs. ODB then pinned Sky after her running powerslam.
WINNERS: Kim & ODB in 9:00.
STAR RATING: *1/2 -- Solid action. Kim is really smooth out there and helped elevated the less athletic and polished Sky and Kim.
WHAT HAPPENED: 2ND HOUR
-Love attacked Kim afterward, but ODB made the save. Roxxi Laveaux then came out and gave Love a Voodoo Drop in center-ring. Smart formatting to have the women, who always draw a strong rating, carry over from the first to the second hour.
-Borash asked James Storm, Jackie, and Robert Roode backstage. Roode was reading a paper. Storm asked if he was reading comics. Roode said "Stocks and Bonds." Storm said, "What, Barry Bonds?" Roode said money makes the world go around. Storm said a few more beers his world will start going around. Styles presented Storm with some whisky that Storm didn't like. He said he drinks beer. Styles said it's his grandpa's couch syrup. When Storm called Karen a skank (the streak of that word being included on Impact continues). Styles shoved him. Roode stood up and told Styles that his answer is no. He said he and Storm are in the "egotistical eight," so go bug someone else. Storm left with his beers. He saw Borash was trying to steal Styles's bottle of liquor. Styles said he bought it, so he's keeping it. Styles banged his head against the lockers. He and Borash noticed someone off camera. Styles asked if he'd be his partner. Apparently the person nodded. Styles and Borash got excited. We knew it because they bugged their eyes out excitedly like two 13 year old boys sneaking peeks through binoculars at a MILF getting dressed in a house across the street.
-The narrator hyped, "Who will be A.J. Styles's partner? Find out next."
[Commercial Break]
4 -- ROCK 'N' RAVE INFECTION (Jimmy Rave & Lance Hoyt w/Christy Hemme) vs. A.J. STYLES & SUPER ERIC -- Deuces Wild Qualifier
At 5:00 Super Eric scored a near fall on Rave after a Super Clothesline. Styles took Hoyt down with a head scissors as Young scored a two count with a small package. Styles gave Rave an enzuigiri, then Young gave Rave a Super Eric Driver for the win
WINNERS: Super Eric & Styles in 6:00.
STAR RATING: *1/4
-Borash interviewed Sting backstage. He said Cornette was right, this place is a looney bin. He said if you think you know anyone, you don't. He said this business takes away your ability to know who you can trust. He said it's time to find out about the egotistical eight.
[Commercial Break]
-Tenay and West were finally shown on camera. They threw to the announcement of the Terror Dome, the latest concept match. It combines the brutality of the cage with the athleticism of the Ultimate X. The winners climb 30 feet and enter a tiny dome above. It was vague enough to not be entirely clear; it debuts at Sacrifice. As if the Deuces Wild, a women's hair match, and the three-way World Title main event wasn't enough for people to focus on.
5 -- DAIZEE HAZE vs. CHEERLEADER MELISSA
Tenay hyped the Cornette announcement later and the main event. West plugged a Samoa Joe Commemorative Memorabilia that'd be available at TNAWrestling.com after the show. Tenay said it's the nicest memorabilia fans will ever see. Cheeleader Melissa won with a chicken wing reverse powerbomb.
WINNER: Cheerleader Melissa in 2:00.
-Lauren interviewed Steiner, Petey, and Khan. Steiner said they may say all men are created equal, but looking at him, that's clearly not true. He said he's a genetic freak and not normal, so Joe's chances of winning are way below 25 percent in this three-way match. He said he has a 66.6 percent chance of winning because Angle can't beat him and won't even try. He did some math and came up with Joe having an 8 percent chance of winning. He got tripped up a little, but concluded he has a 141.6 percent chance of winning at Sacrifice. Lauren's facial expressions were just right in this. She was restrained, but clearly listening. Steiner asked who Lauren was for. She said Joe is nice. Steiner said she's the type of girl who likes romancing. He called Joe a fat-ass. Petey said, "Maple Leaf Muscle is who you need to look up!"
[Commercial Break]
6 -- SCOTT STEINER & PETEY WILLIAMS (w/Rhaka Khan) vs. SAMOA JOE & KURT ANGLE
Tenay said he didn't know Steiner was a math major. He said numbers don't lie. Tenay said, "That was the damnedest interview I've ever seen." At 3:00 they cut to a break. Tenay said we'll find out whether Joe and Angle can continue to co-exist.
[Commercial Break]
Steiner was on offense against Joe after the break. Joe finally reached for a hot-tag with Angle, but instead of tagged him, he gave Angle the finger and then made the Tommy Dreamer Comeback where he was suddenly 100 percent and beat up Petey and Steiner at once after taking a sustained beating for five minutes. He snap powerslammed Petey. Steiner "made the save," which again consisted of hitting Joe on the ref stopping his count, even thought Joe was still covering Petey and Petey's shoulders were still down. A wrestler should always be struggling to lift his shoulders, and the interference/save from a partner should lead to just enough freedom to lift that shoulder before the three count. WWE agents have cleaned this common sloppy situation up well this year, but TNA still lags behind and it really looks silly to the average viewer. A four-way brawl broke out. Angle clotheslined Steiner out of the ring. Joe applied his clutch sleeper on Petey. Angle hit Joe from behind to break it. He went for an Olympic Slam. Joe escaped and fired back with a running boot to Angle's face. Then he gave Petey a Muscle Buster for the win.
WINNERS: Joe & Angle in 14:00.
STAR RATING: **1/2
-As Tenay gave Joe credit for single-handedly winning, Angle attacked Joe from behind. Steiner in essence made the save with a lead pipe, but as soon as Angle bailed out, Steiner hit Joe with the pipe. Then he grabbed the World Title belt and held it in the air.
-Borash backstage asked Cornette for the scoop. Cornette said he's about to cause some chaos that will shock the world - after the break in the ring.
[Commercial Break]
-Tenay and West threw to the ring where Cornette stood with the tag belts on a table. He said that is the prize that all of the entrants are fighting for. He said four tag teams have already qualified for the tournament, and four more teams will be made of the individuals he's about to bring to the ring. He said the pairings will be made at random. Cornette introduced Morgan, Kip, B.G. James, Storm, Booker T, Roode, and Sting. He counted and said that's only seven. He said there's one more to go, and it will make history - Awesome Kong. The build-up for a second sounded like they were going to announce the return of Jeff Jarrett. Kong is a much more intriguing surprise. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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