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Mojo Mitchell's Raw Stream of Vince McMahon Is Dialing For Dollars (And Ruining Wrestling Shows)
Oh god, welcome to McMahon's Million Dollar Mania. He's a little nervous. I'm a little bored.
Let's call it even.
The rent-a-cops drag out the million dollars again. The password is WWE Dementia.
Mr. Kennedy faces Paul Burchill (w/Katie Lea). Kennedy wins straight up with a Mic Check in a short match. I don't get it. I thought this was a feud. Katie Lea slaps Kennedy after the match and Burchill hits Kennedy from behind with, get this, the Twisted Sister. Oh, I see, it's an opening match feud.
The out-of-touch billionaire must not make his own phone calls too often since he can't seem to get through to our first contestant. (I know he knows how to use his camera phone, though.) We have a winner.
You know, when I was a kid, this came on every afternoon at four on WRAL-TV and it was called Dialing For Dollars. The Biggest Name In Weather, Bob Debardelaben, called up middle-aged matrons in-between showing old Randolph Scott movies. He came across as a lot nicer guy than McMahon, probably because he was.
Mickie James faces Beth Phoenix. James wins straight up with a sloppy Lou Thesz Press in a short match. To make things worse for our villain Melina then jumps Phoenix from behind and beats her up.
Here we go again. The dialing goes a little better. This guy wins 75 grand. This nonsense is playing havoc with the rhythm of the show.
John Cena's face is inches away from Triple H's. He says the fans finally get to see the two best fight it out for the WWE Championship. Finally? Well, there was that one match two years ago at 'Mania. The two discuss it.
Not again. Charlie Haas has joined McMahon at the dais. Sometimes the host of Teenage Frolics would join Bob. Okay, maybe not. It was a long time ago. McMahon mumbles to himself while f---ing up the dialing three separate time. McMahon blames the fans' grandmothers for his own incompetence. He makes Haas call. He gets through to Donna Rose. He gives her $50,000. If Charlie kisses a Diva, Donna gets a hundred grand. Maria comes out. Haas kisses her. McMahon will give Donna another 25 grand if Haas kisses another diva. Of course it's Mae Young. Haas gags. Same joke everytime.
Fun Fact: Vince McMahon is closer in age to Mae Young than Charlie Haas.
John Cena faces JBL. Triple H is on color at ringside. Cena is so intimidated by The Game he turns his head toward Triple H when he stands up twenty feet away instead of keeping his eye on his opponent, the number one heel on Raw. The Game is a cliché machine, comparing Cena to Rocky Balboa and saying, "It's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get up." You can tell he's not all that comfortable putting over someone else. He goes on and on like he always does and claims his propensity to get muscle tears proves he's tough.
Cena kicks out of the Million Dollar Lariat. JBL leaves the ring in frustration, comes back, and gets cradled by Cena for the win.
Cena and Triple H stand on the announce table so they can look at each other again. Triple H jumps down, starts to walk away, and then pulls Cena's leg so he falls on his ass.
Not again. McMahon says Lillian Garcia was bragging to Jim Ross earlier today that her measurements are 38 – 24 - 38 and if you add that together you get $98,000. Garcia clearly has no idea what he's talking about, since it's a lame attempt to come up with a number close to, but not quite, a hundred grand. McMahon clearly resents having to dial the numbers again, even if he gets the winner on the first try this time.
Chris Jericho unctuously puts over Shawn Michaels, his guest on the Highlight Reel, in his introduction. Jericho talks about the terrible beating Michaels took at the hands of Batista, and then says the fans like him "no matter what he does."
Jericho is great here as the good sport who isn't a good sport. He finally snaps, calling Michaels "a pathetic, cheating worm." He jumps him, they fight, and then Jericho kicks Michaels in the balls.
The worst is yet to come. He throws Michaels headfirst into the TV monitor, busting it and him up, leaving glass all over the mat. Michaels sells the hell out of it but he doesn't juice. Jericho arrogantly walks off down the ramp.
That was a really well done heel turn.
Umaga & Snitsky faces Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly in a non-title match. Vince McMahon tells Jerry Lawler to say that Umaga & Snitsky are "uglier than Hulk Hogan's divorce." He then tells Jim Ross to say, "That's ugly, brother." Apparently Holly and Rhodes aren't getting along as a couple. The fans are into Umaga as a badass. He pins Rhodes with the Samoan Spike. Ross says Umaga was cheered because there are Samoans in San Francisco.
This is usually a VIP feature, but we present it here as a free bonus this week in the spirit of the charitable mood Vince McMahon has put everyone in...
Ted DiBiase comes out on the ramp to rub it in that he's facing Rhodes & Holly for the tag titles with his handpicked partner at Night of Champions in two weeks. If I'm him, I'm picking Umaga.
WWE puts over Make-A-Wish. Make-A-Wish puts over WWE.
McMahon makes Trevor Murdoch and Jillian Hall do "American Idol." Murdoch sings an awful version of the Steve Miller Band's "Take the Money and Run." Hall sings an awful version of Barrett Strong's "Money." The joke's on Murdoch, because he's supposed to be able to sing. McMahon asks the caller how much that was worth. He figures two bucks. He gives her that, then gives the next contestant $200,000. Just brutal.
Santino Morella & Carlito face Cryme Tyme. That's three cheap stereotype acts in one not-very-good match. Chad Gaspar pins Santino.
Oh no, McMahon wants Cryme Tyme to help him give away money. He tells them at the end of the main event he's giving away a quarter of a million dollars. Now, though, he's giving away $51,998 - the rest. The three do the "Money" catch phrase together. It's embarrassing on a number of levels.
Hey, look, Triple H is wrestling Jeff Hardy. That's nothing next to Dialing For Dollars and WWE knows it, since they didn't push the match much at all. John Cena returns the favor on color. This doesn't have Raw main event heat. Cena pulls Triple H off the apron behind the referee's back and the champ loses by countout. Triple H and John Cena look at each other again outside the ring. Jeff Hardy is so tired of it he jumps on both of him.
A Raw first: they go to a commercial at 11:05 EST before McMahon thanks everyone and announces he's ruining Raw again next week, then gives away the rest of the money. Send feedback on this article to pwtorch@gmail.com and we'll regularly publish reader feedback in the "Torch Feedback" category on the Main Listing.
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