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WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 2/26: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast

Feb 26, 2009 - 8:01:08 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

Where We've Been: Reactions to last week's broadcast mostly ranged from "TNA as usual" to my own "they're not even trying anymore." Just as booking emphasizes that only members of the Main Event Mafia can beat members of the Main Event Mafia, the X Division has gone back to proving they can steal a show whenever they bloody well feel like. Tonight should be no exception to that pattern, as Jarrett will get involved in Sting-Angle while Shelley, Sabin, Creed, and Lethal have a four-way ladder match for the X Division Championship. If anyone wants to take bets on which of those segments will carry this show, I'm offering great odds for Sting-Angle (or is it against? I never remember).

The Show: Family Counselor Needed

Tenay and West appear in an empty arena hours before tonight's broadcast. It's hours before now? Who gave Don West a time machine?

[Opening Credits]

Beer Money will have another Off the Wagon Challenge, in addition to the aforementioned ladder match.

(1) THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE (w/CUTE KIP) vs. TAYLOR WILDE & MADISON RAYNE

Rayne and Love lock up to start. Love takes Rayne down with a shoulder block, but gets taken down in turn by an arm drag and a decent dropkick. Madison tags in Taylor, who drops an elbow for two. Love tags in Sky, but Taylor slams her to the mat for a quick two. She locks in an arm bar and brings in Rayne. Cute Kip picks a fight with Wilde on the apron, which distracts the ref long enough for The Beautiful People to take control with an illegal double-team. They take turn pounding on Rayne for a couple minutes. Sky stomps her into the mat for two. Love locks in a Sleeper, but Rayne drops into a Jaw Breaker and makes the tag. Wilde comes in, knocks down Sky, and hits a cool Tilt-a-Whirl Back Breaker on Love. Rayne goes to pick up Wilde in the "I'm about to turn heel way" (Rachael will testify that I recognized it instantly), then shocks Wilde by turning heel and slapping her in the face. Sky finishes Taylor off with a Back Stabber, which I guess she is now calling The Beauty Mark. I thought James Storm was using that? I suppose he has like twelve finishers anyway.

WINNER: The Beautiful People in six minutes. How they managed to telegraph a wholly under-motivated heel turn is beyond me, but they did.

JB can't get a comment from an arriving Kurt Angle and Booker T.

[Commercial Break]

JB has followed the MEM into their locker room. Kurt says they'll have a comment at the top of the hour, since MEM business is their own till they decide to share it. Some police show up. Steiner, mysteriously dressed as a cat burglar, swears that the girl was 18. The cops are looking for Mr. Huffman, who turns out to be Booker T. After some razzing from Angle about his name, Booker leaves to discuss things with the police. It'll be awesome if AJ jumps him right in front of them.

(2) BEER MONEY INC. vs. THE ROCK AND RAVE INFECTION

The crowd tries to chant for Hoyt, forgetting that he's changed his name to "Rock". Don West has too. Storm starts things off with a shoulder block on Rave; Rave comes back with one of his own and his Twisting Arm Bar Takedown. That move is awesome. Rock comes in and they drop Double Elbows on Storm. Rave pairs up with Roode as Rock pairs up with Storm. Storm gets some distance with a quick jump kick; Rave attacks him, but that gives Roode an opening to nail a Spine Buster. Storm and Rave are apparently legal, as they remain in the ring for Storm to floor Rave with a clothesline. Storm makes the tag, and they take advantage of the five-count to work the double team. Storm tags back in, but when he whips Rave off of the ropes he ends up eating a running STO for his troubles. Rock tags in and floors both members of Beer Money. He Choke Slams Storm, then hits a Choke-Slam-into-a-Back Breaker on Roode. Storm makes the save at two, and Rave takes him out of the ring. Rock nails a cool Dominator-like maneuver (with a hint of a Razor's Edge), but Jacqueline has the ref distracted. Storm sneaks in with one of their belts and pelts Rock. The ref conveniently turns around just in time to count the three.

WINNER: Beer Money Inc. in five minutes. The artist formerly known as Hoyt deserves a better send-off then this, even if he'll only be gone for a little while.

JB couldn't get a comment from an arriving Sting earlier tonight. Either someone is lurking mysteriously by Sting's car or BG James accidentally walked into the shot.

[Commercial Break]

The police follow Booker T to his locker room, so he can show them the scene of the crime. They wonder where he found the police tape to cordon off the crime scene. Booker wants to know how long AJ will serve for what he's done. He even damaged his picture of Mohammed Ali. Booker instructs them to look everywhere for him.

They recap AJ's beating up Booker T, then go over their touring schedule. Interesting fact: every single time they've come to Ohio they've done it on Friday night.

Abyss is talking to Dr. Stevie. His first comment is not only weird, but would actually be dangerous to repeat. He then talks about the Jonas Brothers CD he wants for Christmas. He contemplates becoming a pop sensation, but is worried that they might make him lose the mask.

[Commercial Break]

TNA thanks the fans for making last week the highest rated episode of Impact ever.

Speaking of the fans, here's a bunch of them vying for a date with ODB.

Booker is still chatting with the cops, telling them to put AJ in jail. He tells them to put out an "A.P.B.: all points bulletin." The cop seems miffed that Booker feels the need to tell him what an APB is. They drive away, which is, not surprisingly, what AJ has been waiting for. He jumps Booker. Security is prepared, and quickly pulls AJ off. That gives Booker the chance to actually get a couple shots in for once.

[Commercial Break]

They remind us what happened moments ago. They apparently really needed to keep up-to-date the massive demographic of people that tune in at 9:42.

Lauren is in the back with Steiner. She wants to know what's going down later tonight, and Scott takes the opportunity to make the obvious joke. He says he was in the back taking a dump while AJ jumped Booker. Speaking of dumps, he wants to comment on how Joe attacked him last week when he couldn't defend himself. Well he can do that too—he'll just wait for Joe to gorge himself on doughnuts, then he'll attack. He tells Lauren to go find Joe, but that won't be necessary—Joe jumps Steiner and shoves him into a conveniently badly lit area. He holds a knife to his throat, and says that while Steiner might want to find him, it's a whole lot easier for him to find Steiner. He reminds Big Poppa Pump of the forthcoming nation of violence, then stalks off. Steiner, in what will doubtless be the line of the night, just looks wide-eyed at Lauren as he says "that was a knife," forgetting that in wrestling angles such things don't faze people.

JB is in the back with Jeff Jarrett, and he wants to hear about his opinion on the future of the MEM. Jarrett says that a group of egomaniacs couldn't possibly hang together all that long anyway. He reminds us that wrestling is, at heart, a single's sport, which is why every team separates eventually. It looks like tonight the band will be breaking up.

[Commercial Break]

Mick says that he is often asked about his greatest match. He says that for many years he always said it was a match he had with HBK in 1997 (at "Mind Games" I think?). Then he came back for WrestleMania 20, and he was…good enough. I was there for that match, and that's a fairly accurate description. He realized though that for someone who wanted to be known for leaving everything in the ring, "good enough" just wasn't good enough. But he got a second chance, when he got to face Randy Orton under hardcore rules. Orton was that close to being great, but just needed that one last thing. So Mick got hyped on Tori Amos music, and put on what he thinks was as good a hardcore match as he could possibly put on. That's now his favorite hardcore memory. I'm kind of surprised they let him put over the WrestleMania main-eventer, but it's good that they did.

Mike Tenay waits in the ring, and the MEM, Sting included, come down to join him. Tenay asks whether at Destination X we'll see Kurt Angle vs. Sting, and whether Sting will be defending his World Heavyweight Championship. The crowd is solidly behind Sting. Nash grabs the mic. He says that for tonight, he's been named spokesman of the Main Event Mafia. When they got together in Vegas, they knew that there would be rocky stretches. They've had a week to patch things up, and while he can't say things are great, they're still a family right now. Tenay says that he's not getting a familial vibe. Nash gets ticked at Tenay for wanting to stir things up. He asks who Tenay works for. Tenay says he works for TNA, but Nash says that he really means he works for Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley. Jarrett was the man who had the arena cleared last week, cause he knew Angle and Sting would go at it. But the MEM is stronger than everyone. They're stronger than everyone in the back, and they're sure as hell stronger than the front office. He addresses Angle and Sting, telling them that they don't have to like each other. They just have to respect him, Steiner, Booker, Sharmell, and, most importantly, the family and the mafia. Jarrett's music hits, and he comes down to the ring. He says that knowing Sting as he has for 20 years, he can see what everyone else in this arena can see—that Sting isn't buying this crap for one minute. He reminds Sting of his stated goals of promoting honor, tradition, and integrity. He wants to know where the integrity is at after one of his "brothers" spit in his face last week. That same "brother" is supposed to be promoting that same respect. It's time everyone realized that Kurt Angle and Sting are at opposite ends of the integrity spectrum. He says there's only thing to do in this situation. The crowd chants for him to "let them fight", which he says sounds like a pretty good idea. So as the founder of TNA, he's granting Angle's request for a title match at Destination X. Booker T wants to know who died and made Jarrett the law around here. That match isn't going to happen just cause Jarrett says it is. Jarrett's been going on about how he's the founder, but what exactly did he found? A company full of losers and wannabes. The crowd chants for TNA. Booker shares a few rumors—that Jarrett started the company in a flea market and had to paint the whole building himself. Without the MEM there would be no TNA. He suggests that Jeff go to the back before Booker beats his punk ass. Jarrett says Booker's not going to do anything, cause with or without a badge he can still kick Booker's ass. Yes, he did paint the Asylum, because he'd give everything to this company. But look where they are now. Now he's surrounded by family (he gestures towards the crowd), and he's going to give them what they want—Sting and Angle fighting. He tells the MEM to come back later tonight for a contract signing.

[Commercial Break]

Tenay talks about how great it is that Jeff Jarrett booked Sting vs. Angle. West tells him that once he's kissing ass, he might as well go back to kiss Sting's. Tenay wants to know what the hell this is all about. West says that if Tenay wants to have this out now, he's happy to. He talks about his friendship with Tenay; how they've been best friends and called every match in TNA. Their wives are best friends. But he's learned that in the last few days Tenay was in on meetings to discuss West's future with the company, and he said nothing in West's defense. West thought he knew Tenay, but now he's learning that he's just a selfish bastard. He doesn't know what they decided to do about him, but he does know two things: that their friendship will never be the same, and that he can take this mic and shove it. Don West has left the building.

[Commercial Break]

Lauren is in the back, where there's some mysterious fighting. It turns out to be the Kongtourage, as Sojourner Bolt storms past.

They recap West's meltdown from thirty seconds ago. Well, it's a good chance to go back and proofread some of this.

Sojourner Bolt comes down to the ring with Rhaka Khan and a mic. Exactly one of those two things is likely to add quality to this week's product. Bolt reminds Raesha Saeed that she told her last week she isn't her mama, and that while Kong looks like she ate her mama, she isn't either. Khan takes the mic and cuts a long, rhyming promo. The writing was actually decent, but the delivery was still a bit off. It would be kind of funny if they made her into John Cena circa 2004. She calls Kong and Saeed down to the ring.

The women tell us to cross the line. That's actually a nice touch—that they need a second for Kong to come out, since she didn't happen to be standing right in the entranceway.

(3) RAESHA SAEED & AWESOME KONG vs. SOJOURNER BOLT & RHAKA KHAN

Saeed starts off with a side headlock on Bolt. She gets shot into the ropes, but comes back with a shoulder block. Bolt works the side headlock, but when she gets shot off she comes back with the Lou Thesz Press. She drags Saeed over to her corner with an arm wrench and makes the tag. Khan impressively leapfrogs Saeed, but then I swear almost drops her on her head during an arm drag. She (clunkily) whips Saeed into her own corner, which lets Kong come in to squish her. Kong tags back in Saeed, who trades (even clunkier) punches with Khan. She draws Bolt into the ring, which lets Kong come in and wheelbarrow Saeed onto Khan. Kong comes in legally, nails a Body Slam, then tags back out. For some reason, Saeed and Kong just chat while Khan makes the tag. Bolt takes Saeed down, lifts her up for a Power Bomb, then drops her and jumps at Kong trying to sneak into the ring. Things break down; Kong ends up outside the ring with Khan. Bolt looks for a Pile Driver on Bolt; it gets fought off, but Bolt just nails a kick and a Backslide for the win.

WINNER: Anyone who had five minutes on their DVR and could skip this match. Also Kong & Saeed. After the match, Kong comes in and crushes Bolt and Khan, eventually Power Bombing the former into the latter—someone had to.

[Commercial Break]

They hype the contract signing, then cut to a Rough Cut about how people prepare for Ultimate X. Sabin tells us that they were going to do the first match with the ropes between poles, till Kazarian actually tried climbing them before the match. It turns out those aren't strong enough, so they only figured out to use the lighting structure a few hours before the match.

Hoobastank have a music video to get us psyched for Ultimate X. I'd complain, but I actually really like Hoobastank. Though I should mention that, it now being 10:32, the prospects of the **** ladder match for which I was hoping are looking distinctly dim.

(4) ALEX SHELLEY vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL vs. CHRIS SABIN

Lethal Consequences gain the early advantage, but both pairs start dancing around each other till the Guns retake the edge. They pound Creed against the mat, then sandwich Lethal between stereo kicks. Sabin goes for the ladder. Shelley hoists Lethal up for a Celtic Cross, but Lethal slips out underneath him and Creed knocks him back onto Lethal's knees. Lethal Consequences go out of the ring, beat up Sabin, and roll him back into the ring. They try to bring in a pair of ladders, but get met by Baseball Slides into the ladders into their heads.

[Commercial Break]

We get back just in time to see Sabin nail a wicked Rolling Dice Neck Breaker on Lethal on a ladder. Wow. He sets up a ladder in the ring, but Creed comes in and whacks him with a ladder of his own. Creed sets up his ladder as a bridge between the one under the belt and the ring post. He goes to the apron for some sort of Slingshot move, but Shelley cuts him off. Shelley goes to help Sabin, but Creed comes back into the ring with a Slingshot Arm Bar Takedown on Shelley onto the ladder. Sabin picks up Creed, and drops him onto the ladder-bridge. Sabin tries to climb again, but Lethal cuts him off and drives him with an STO-like maneuver into the ladder bridge. He starts to climb, but Shelley cuts him off with a Jaw Breaker off the top of the ladder. He runs up the ladder to finish Lethal off with Sliced Bread #2, then he climbs the ladder and wins the match.

WINNER: Alex Shelley in 9 minutes. They did what they could with the time they had. **1/2

As Shelley poses atop the ring Suicide's music hits. He zip-lines into the ladder, knocking Shelley down. He knocks down Sabin, head butts Lethal, Power Bombs Creed, then drives Lethal's head into the turnbuckle. Shelley gets up and tries to fight, but Suicide blocks him and flips him back onto his face. Suicide grabs the X Division Championship, makes the gun-to-the-head gesture, then kills the lights and vanishes. I've said it before, but I really did underestimate how much wrestling awesomeness can make up for what should be the single worst gimmick of all time.

[Commercial Break]

Jeff Jarrett hits the ring first, contract in hand. The crowd is happy to see him. He calls Angle down to the ring first. He comes down to the MEM music, followed by security and the rest of the non-Sting MEM members. Tenay says that by offering Angle this title shot Jarrett is calling Kurt's bluff, which makes me wonder if he knows what that expression means. Nash takes the mic, and says that it doesn't have to be this way. Booker already said that this match wasn't going to happen, and Jeff really doesn't want to mess with him. Jarrett tells Kurt that he's confused, since he thought Kurt was the boss. But first Kurt let Booker do the talking, and now it's Kevin. He's no movie buff, but in the gangster films he's seen the thugs generally stand behind the godfather. Kurt's supposed to be like Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, Robert DeNiro, and Tony Soprano (I'm not sure why only Tony Soprano was identified by character rather than actor). The crowd interrupts to say he sucks, but Jeff has a different comment—the difference between Kurt and those other godfathers is that they all had balls. Angle looks ticked, and slowly signs the contract. As soon as he's finished, he nails Jarrett with an Olympic Slam, then wails on him against the mat. Mick Foley runs down to the ring, and the MEM back off while he checks on Jarrett. That was just a ruse though, as Kurt attacks Mick from behind and cinches in an Angle Lock. Sting runs down, bat in hand. He hesitates a second, then whacks Angle once on the knee and once on the back. He helps Jarrett and Mick to his feet as the MEM look on in shock.

Where We're Going: I still think having the MEM sweep five months of PPV matches was the worst booking decision since WWE inserted Randy Orton into a WrestleMania championship match by having him say that Eddie Guerrero's in hell, but at least the Sting face turn seems to have popped the crowd. His character's been fairly one-dimensional lately, so I guess anything that adds a little depth to his vanilla face persona can't be all bad. Still, with AJ, Joe, and Hernandez all knocking in the door I would not think the company's main need would be a top face right now.

Star of the Night: Suicide. I did not see that pick coming three months ago.

Overall: This week was a definite step up from last. The main event promo was actually emotionally stimulating, and the main event match was a fun (if criminally short) X Division bout. Even Suicide's role was spot on. Once again, TNA's odd decisions about whom to push meant the women's division held back tonight's show, which you really wouldn't think could be possible. Rhaka Khan is the new Black Reign (if with more long-term potential). B

Daniel is a graduate student at The Ohio State University. If he thought TNA was consistently bad, he would not watch. He doesn't get why people would read one of these columns and then say it always sucks. Explanations can be sent to dawilk316@gmail.com



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