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WILKENFELD'S TNA IMPACT REPORT 4/30: Ongoing "virtual time" coverage of Spike TV broadcast

Apr 30, 2009 - 8:16:30 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor

The Show: The Godfather's Revenge

Earlier today, Jarrett and Foley had a meeting with the Board of Directors. Jarrett leaves somewhat unhappy. Mick comes out a bit later, thanking Dixie Carter on his way out. JB asks if Jarrett got him fired. Mick says that they can't fire the World Heavyweight Champion. Besides, as Executive Shareholder, he works with Jarrett, not for him. JB seems skeptical regarding whether hitting someone with a chair constitutes working with them, but Mick reminds him that sometimes friends fight…with steel chairs.

[Opening Credits]

Kurt Angle leads the Main Event Mafia, without Sting but with Jenna Morasca, down to the ring. He reminds us that people have been calling him the godfather, because whatever you want, he can get—as long as you show him the proper respect. Last week, when Mick hit him with a steel chair, he didn't realize there would be consequences. But there are always consequences for messing with the godfather. So Kurt has an offer Jeff Jarrett can't refuse. If he's put in the four-way Main Event at Sacrifice, then, if he loses, whoever pins him will become the godfather of the MEM. I'm not sure how that's enforceable. He also says that he'll be going backstage to engage in a hostile takeover, planning to take Mick's office, job, and anything else that matters to him.

JB is in Foley's office. Foley interrupts his rendition of "Just Tweak It" long enough to express surprise that Kurt would want take his office. Jarrett comes in, not in a great mood. He wants to know what Mick's doing. Mick's got his hands full worried about Kurt, but he's confident he can take care of it as long as his partner has his back. Jarrett tells him that he got himself into this mess, so he'll have to get himself out of it. He leaves, disgusted.

[Commercial Break]

Lauren is in the MEM locker room with Kurt Angle. She wants to know what he's thinking, putting his leadership spot on the line. He's thinking about what you'd expect—that he's going to win. Steiner, in a bad mood, snaps at one of the security guards in the background. He's ticked at Jeff Jarrett, but Angle tells him that he needs to cool it till after Jarrett gives him his title shot at Sacrifice.

(1) THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. AMAZING RED (!!!!) & SUICIDE

This is another quarterfinal match in Team 3D's tournament, which is overshadowed by the fact that HOLY SHIT that's Amazing Red. If you'd been watching TNA since the beginning, you'd be excited too. Shelley knocks Red down with a shoulder block to start, but Red responds with a Springboard Arm Drag. The two trade some classic Lucha Libre action, culminating with Red kicking Shelley in the face. Shelley gets the better of some mat wrestling and tags in Sabin. Red takes Sabin down with an elaborate twisting Hurricanrana before tagging in Suicide. Suicide hits a Leg Drop, slams Sabin, tags Red back in, and then hoists him up for a splash on Sabin. Red gets caught by a kick from Shelley in the corner. Sabin makes the tag, and they hit a Double Team Arm Drag. The crowd is mostly behind Amazing Red, but they're a bit conflicted. Red is set up in a Tree of Woe, in which he eats a Baseball Slide and a Hesitation Dropkick. Suicide breaks up the tag at two. Sabin decides that the crowd is too excited, so he works an Abdominal Stretch for a few seconds. He tosses Red into the corner, from which Red explodes. He rolls over Sabin's back to nail an interfering Shelley with a Spinning Wheel Kick, then takes down Sabin with a wacky Tilt-A-Whirl Inverted DDT. He makes the tag to Suicide, who floors both Guns with some quick strikes. He dropkicks Sabin into the corner, then Oklahoma Rolls Shelley on top of him. The numbers game catches up to him, and Sabin dropkicks him into a Sliced Bread #2 for two. The Guns pop Red on the apron, but before they can nail the Stereo Superkicks Red cuts off one with a Superkick of his own. He hits a Seated Hurricanrana on Sabin, then follows him out with a Corkscrew Splash. Meanwhile, Sucide finishes off Shelley with the Suicide Solution.

WINNERS: The Amazing Red and Suicide in 7 minutes. *1/4 This was a fun little match.

Kurt Angle suggests we cross the line.

Lauren is backstage with The Beautiful People. Madison Rayne will be up against Awesome Kong in a Stretcher Match later tonight, which on paper it doesn't look like she could win. Love says that on paper the Mets were supposed to win the NBA championship, General Lee was supposed to storm Normandy, and Steve-O was supposed to win American Idol. Lauren can take her "on paper" and shove it. They look forward to taking on Kong later tonight. Or at least Sky and Love do—Rayne doesn't look so excited.

[Commercial Break]

We recap Abyss's battle with a weapons addiction. Lauren, backstage with Abyss, seems surprised that Dr. Stevie has booked him in a match wherein his opponent can use weapons but he can't. Abyss explains that the idea is to make him fear weapons. Cody Deats and ODB pop into frame. Cody's excited for his shot at vengeance. ODB tries to explain that just because he's hanging out with her doesn't make him a wrestler. Abyss lifts him up against a wall, but stops short of killing him.

We recap Kurt Angle's transition to TNA.

Mick Foley approaches The Motor City Machine Guns backstage. He reminds them of their history together, and says he's looking for some guys with spunk to help him fend off Kurt Angle. Shelley thinks that sounds dirty. They agree that they'd love to, but they have an issue. Mick entreats them to tell him what it is, so that he can help. Their problem is Suicide—they don't know who he is, but he's messing up everything. Mick says that he knows who's under the mask. He leans close and whispers that it's Al Snow. They suggest he do some more research, then come back. They wish him a nice day.

[Commercial Break]
(2) LAX vs. THE BRITISH INVASION (BRUTUS MAGNUS & DOUG WILLIAMS w/ROB TERRY)
Before LAX can hit the ring, we see Homicide arguing with The British Invasion in the back, over the prone body of a fallen Hernandez. TBI hit the ring, carrying Hernandez's stolen Feast or Fired briefcase. Homicide is persuaded to come out alone. On his way out to the ring he takes out Rob Perry with his own Feast or Fired briefcase. He then takes out Magnus and Williams with a Somersault Plancha. Williams comes back to the ring, and the match is officially underway. Homicide hits a quick Neck Breaker, but Williams comes back with a Spinning Elbow and is able to make the tag. They try to work the double team in the corner, but Homicide fights out and hits them both with a double dropkick off the top rope. The numbers catch up to Homicide, and TBI start working him over. Williams takes a second to trash talk, so Homicide slaps him in the face. He responds with a High Knee in the corner and a Vertical Suplex for two. Magnus tags in, and they hit a Double Team Union Jack for two—that's a nice touch. Magnus hits a Power Slam, but misses an attempted Splash off the top rope. Williams tags in, only to get caught in an Overhead Release Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Magnus tries to interfere, but gets nailed with a Gringo Cutter. Williams goes to the top rope—Suicide tries to cut him off, but gets held back by Rob Terry. That enables Magnus to hoist him up in an Electric Chair; Williams nails him with a spinning strike off the top rope for the three count.

WINNER: The British Invasion in five minutes. This was a decent showcase for Homicide, but not much else.

[Commercial Break]

We do some more recapping of Angle's career. This time we cover Kurt Angle's winning approximately 44,000 titles in 2007.

(3) MADISON RAYNE (w/ANGELINA LOVE & VELVET SKY) vs. AWESOME KONG (w/RAESHA SAEED)
Stretcher Match
Kong carries a blown up picture of Angelina Love to the ring. Aww—she misses Gail Kim. The ref sends Saeed to the back, which doesn't seem very sportsmanlike. The Beautiful applaud the decision, till they realize that they're being sent to the back too. Rayne is not pleased to see that. Kong smashes Rayne to start, nailing a Choke Slam. Kong Shot Arm Clotheslines Rayne, not seeming to care about the match. She rolls Rayne onto the stretcher, where apparently you have to stay for a ten count to lose. Kong's not convinced Rayne has suffered enough, so she picks her up for an Implant Buster. She rolls Rayne back onto the stretcher. The referee gets to seven before Kong gets bored and takes her back up for an Awesome Bomb. The crowd chants for her to do it one more time, and Kong is surprisingly willing to make the people happy. They still want a third one, but Kong just rolls her over to the stretcher for the win.

WINNER: Awesome Kong in 3 minutes. That's about as close to a literal squash as you're ever going to get.

[Commercial Break]

During the break, The Beautiful People flipped out over Madison Rayne's prone body.

The MEM tell us to Cross the Line.

The Motor City Machine Guns are out, mic in hand, for the ten o'clock segment. Cool. Shelley says that they have someone to call out. They ask Christopher Daniels, or Suicide, or whatever he wants to call himself, to come down to the ring. I wonder if this means that Kaz is back. Daniels comes down to the ring. Shelley wants to know why he didn't come down to ring by zip line this time. Shelley reminds us of Daniels's history: eighteen months ago, he was fired. He's been doing indy shows for pizza since then, but they know that pizza doesn't pay the bills. Sabin says that that's not all they know. He and Shelley are as smart as they are handsome. The time has come to ask a few questions. Why do Daniels and "Suicide" have the exact same build—"that ass is unmistakable". Why is it that Daniels and "Suicide" move the exact same way in the ring, and why is it that whenever "Suicide" hits the ring the crowd chants Daniels's name? In case we couldn't tell, those were rhetorical questions. Daniels is a filthy liar who just found a loophole to come back to steal Shelley's X Division Championship. He tells Daniels to admit it, then shoves the mic into him. Shelley reminds Sabin that Daniels already has a mic, but Sabin responds that he just wanted to hit him. Daniels says that he doesn't owe either of them an explanation. Sabin tries to get in his face, so he backs him up. The important thing is that Jeff Jarrett brought him back to TNA. Now he's going to do what he does best, which is wrestling. He doesn't have time for video games or repelling from the rafters. If they want to know who Suicide is, they can ask him themselves. Shelley says that they have time for one more rhetorical question, so they ask him who he is. He says that he's Daniels and, right now, he's pissed off. He floors Sabin with an STO, gets Shelley with a slam, hits a Rock Bottom on Sabin, then looks for a BME. The Guns scatter.

Mick Foley is trying to talk Samoa Joe into helping him fend off Angle. He once again proudly shows off his 25 stitches. Mick reminds Joe of how he put Joe over when he was just getting started. Joe just walks away. Mick says that he'll have to go to plan C.

[Commercial Break]

(4) ABYSS vs. CODY DEANER (w/ODB)

Deaner tries to start things off with a pan to Abyss's head. It has no effect. A garbage can lid draws blood, but still gets no reaction. He tries to use a Kendo Stick, but Abyss catches it and throws it down. Deaner gets a swig from ODB's canteen, which he spits into Abyss's face. He rocks Abyss with a couple of trash can shots, which are finally showing effect. Kendo sticks also rock Abyss a little, but still don't take him down. Deaner grabs a chair, which is finally enough to take Abyss off his feet. Deaner reverses his hat, donning roughly the same expression with which Kurt Angle drops his straps. He grabs a wrench out of his fanny pack, but then runs right into a Black Hole Slam for three.

WINNER: ABYSS in five minutes. That was moderately amusing.

The MEM tell us to cross the line again. That was a good use of time.

Lauren asks Daffney what she's been talking about with Dr. Stevie. Daffney assures her that Dr. Stevie is the best psychiatrist she's been to; he's told her that she has to get her aggression from inside to outside. She tells Lauren that they have someone in common. Lauren doesn't think that Abyss is interested in her (Daffney), but Daffney just laughs. That was weird.

[Commercial Break]

JB is in the MEM locker room with Nash, Booker, Jenna, and Sharmell. Chaos erupts quickly. Angle comes over and tells Booker to control Sharmell, since Jenna is there as their guest, if we know what he means (he makes the hand signal for money). Later tonight we'll see Joe & Styles vs. Nash & Booker.

Matt Morgan comes out. Tenay and West seem surprised to see him. I wonder what was scheduled for this time slot? I bet it was Rhino. Poor Rhino. He says that he's here to make an announcement. He tells the Main Event Mafia that he has an offer they can't refuse—himself. This offer is available for a limited time only. Dude—you can make a mafia-style "offer" or a sham-wow-style "offer", but you really can't pull off both at once.

Lauren is in the locker room with AJ Styles, and she points out that he and Joe aren't on the same page. AJ says that that's cause Joe hasn't been on anyone's page since he got back. He can only hope that Joe shows up with his game face on. AJ doesn't need the Nation of Violence—he needs the Samoan Submission Machine, his friend.

[Commercial Break]

I started ten minutes late, yet just caught up to real-time with that last commercial break. That does not say good things about the amount of filler this show. Rachael, ever the optimist, thinks that might mean there's a lot of content coming up later.

Hey, Rhino's back! He's training USS Cole officer Jesse Neil. If he really served on the Cole this is really cool. If he wasn't, this is remarkably tasteless. I really can't think of a middle-ground here.

(5) BOOKER T & KEVIN NASH (w/SHARMELL and JENNA MORASCA) vs. SAMOA JOE & AJ STYLES

Joe doesn't come out when his music hits. Booker and AJ lock up to start. They trade wrist locks and headlocks, till Booker gets bored and kicks AJ in the gut. AJ comes back with his high dropkick, which I'm not sure even got two. Booker tags in Nash. AJ backs him into a corner, but when he tries to whip him out he gets reversed. AJ tries to escape with a Sunset Flip, but Nash catches him and sets him back up in the corner. AJ fights him off and starts choking him. Nash moseys over to Booker and makes the tag, so Booker pounds on AJ a bit. Nash tags back in, but AJ Low Bridges Booker out of the ring and comes back with his patented Flying Forearm on Nash. Bobby Lashley is striding somewhere backstage. Meanwhile, AJ takes down both Booker and Nash with a Slingshot Body Press to the outside. Joe shows up on the top of the ramp. AJ doesn't look happy.

[Commercial Break]

During the break, the MEM took control as Joe and AJ bickered. They're picking on AJ in the ring, so Joe decides to come in and work his usual magic. Nash is floored by a dropkick, and Booker eats a Snap Slam. Nash rolls out of the ring, and Joe follows him. Jenna distracts the ref, which allows Sharmell to slide the Legends' Championship to Booker. He floors AJ, and the ref turns around to make the count. That was anti-climactic.

WINNER: Nash & Booker in 10 minutes. This was pointless.

Joe and AJ face off in the ring. AJ tries to ask Joe why he's doing what he's doing, but Joe just sneers.

Mick is telling some unseen person that he deserves a big money contract, but first Mick needs something from him. He has to worry about Kurt Angle, which he can't do when he has 25 stitches. Mick suggests the mystery person hide in the closet while Mick suckers Angle in.

[Commercial Break]

We cap off our coverage of Kurt Angle's career with his formation of the MEM.

Kurt Angle, JB in tow, storms into Foley's locker room. Mick asks Kurt to hold off for a minute while Mick signs this new guy's contract. Kurt says he wants him out of here now. Mick asks if he said he wants him out of here NOW?. He's expecting someone to take a cue, but it doesn't happen. Kurt throws him to the floor and says that he'll take his title. Mick says that he loves that title. He also wants to know why Kurt is so angry. Kurt reminds him that he hit him in the back with a chair last week. Mick's amused that Kurt would be upset after something that silly, so he offers him a free shot. They can't find a suitable chair, so they grab a guitar. Kurt says he wants it to be a shot to the head, which Mick agrees to, so long as Kurt avoids the eye. Mick has second thoughts about the guitar, saying that that's Jeff Jarrett's weapon. He can have a steel chair in the room in 30 seconds. Kurt, annoyed, tells him to make the call. Mick starts to, but then he pops Kurt in the head. He goes over to a small locker in the corner, where he starts yelling at someone, telling him that he doesn't deserve a contract if he won't do what he's asked. He pulls out Mr. Socko, and gives Kurt the Mandible Claw. The lights go out, and, when they come back, a masked man is in the office, chair in hand. He whacks Kurt with the chair, then takes off the mask. It's Sting. I did not foresee that.

Star of the Night: The Amazing Red. He's there.

Overall: This wasn't an incredibly impressive show, but it was fun. The Guns got a decent amount of screen time. The bit between Kurt and Foley was oddly amusing as well. The main event match had a fairly stupid ending to cap off a fairly stupid Samoa Joe angle, but that's just about all that's dragging this show down. B



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