TV REPORTS 7/9 TNA Impact Recap by Wilkenfeld: Pity Abyss.
Jul 10, 2009 - 6:56:16 PM
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By: Daniel Wilkenfeld, PWTorch Contributor
Where We've Been: Last week, for perhaps the first time in TNA Impact history, a main event title match involving legitimate main-eventers ended cleanly when Jeff Jarrett passed out to the Angle Lock. Hopefully, this signals an end to Jarrett's presence in the title picture, so he can resume a program with Foley designed to answer the age-old question of just how out of shape of a wrestler a psychologically well-constructed match can carry to a good program? (In Mick Foley's case, the answer tends to be directly proportional to the amount of barbed wire involved). Tonight's program will hopefully be devoted to giving us some reason to care about Foley-Angle, though historically any program between Slammiversary and Bound for Glory has been nothing but a place-holder.
The Show: Foley's Last Stand?
The recap package to start the show mainly highlights Jarrett-Foley. I was so optimistic 15 seconds ago.
[Opening Credits]
I could be wrong, but I think they took pictures of Hernandez out of the intro. That can't be good.
Here's Mick Foley ambling to the ring. His nose is bandaged, and the first thing he points out is how funny it is that 25 stitches in the eyes can make you look cool but two in the nose make you look stupid. Mick's been giving it a lot of thought, and he just doesn't think that TNA is set up to have two deciders. So he's proposing that one of the two of them step down tonight. Here's Jeff Jarrett for the rebuttal. He asks Mick whether he ever considers things before he says them. Mick says that he doesn't do so often, since he was born without a filter between his brain and his mouth. I sympathize with that. Jeff says that he understands Mick. They're both competitors, and as soon as they think they can seize the limelight they do. But in the process of Mick proving he's still got it—which he does (que?)—he became TNA World Heavyweight Champion. The story could have and should have ended there, but in seeking a rematch Mick has put all of TNA in danger. Mick doesn't have anything to prove to the fans, to Jeff Jarrett, and he sure as hell doesn't have anything to prove to Kurt Angle. Jeff wants Mick to think of why he came to TNA, and about the young guys who need a chance (like Eric Young?). The two of them need to work together, since if the MEM walk away from Victory Road with all the gold, that'll be a mountain neither of them can climb alone. Mick acknowledges that looking back, he might have been a bit stupid. He shouldn't have said he'd only defend the title once a year. He also shouldn't have been upset when Jarrett hit him with a guitar, since, as his 17 year old son pointed out, he's hit Jarrett like 6 times. So by Mick's math, that makes him and Jarrett even. But Jeff was wrong when he said that Mick doesn't have anything to prove—maybe he doesn't have anything to prove to Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, or the fans, but he has to prove to himself that his title win wasn't a fluke, and he has to do it by beating the best wrestler in the world today. In the spirit of unity though, he wants to book a non-title main event tonight of Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle. Jarrett decides to tweak it a bit, adding Foley to the match. Foley likes the sound of that, but is worried that if the two of them Stomp a Mud Hole and Walk It Dry people will accuse them of being in cahoots, so Mick invites Kurt to pick the referee for that match. Jeff adds one final tweak, insisting that the ref not be Matt Morgan or any member of the MEM. Mick likes that too, and in one last act of unity calls for Jarrett's music to play them out. I'm not sure if this is a full face-turn or a swerve for Foley, which is good.
Lauren is in the back with The British Invasion, who are once again putting Homicide's Feast or Fired briefcase on the line in a ladder match. Doug Williams objects to her calling it Homicide's briefcase, since he's the one holding it. Magnus hypes their group, and makes clear that they're not here for the fans—they're here for the money. They don't need to pander like Blubber Ray or Devon Custard. I must have missed something in that insult. I really hope Homicide comes back and kicks their asses tonight.
[Commercial Break]
Here's The British Invasion, mic in hand. Tenay again draws attention to the fact that it's not Williams's case in the first place, which I take as a promising sign. Williams says that this time he doesn't want any wannabe rednecks, but a real wrestler. Ask and ye shall receive—here's Homicide. Every once in a while I call one right.
(1) DOUG WILLIAMS (w/BRUTUS MAGNUS & ROB TERRY) vs. HOMICIDE
Homicide rushes the ring, and he and Williams get to brawling. He takes down Williams with a Spinning Elbow, then floors him again with a clothesline and a Monkey Flip in the middle of the ring. He brings in the ladder, and he better win this damn match. He thrusts the ladder into Williams in the corner, but when he tries to climb Williams jumps off the middle rope and knocks him down. Williams sets up the ladder in the corner and whips Homicide into it. It falls back onto Homicide. Williams sets up the ladder and starts to climb. Homicide pushes the ladder over, and Williams falls out of the ring and onto Magnus and Terry. Homicide starts to climb. Williams is going to make it back in time, but Team 3D cut him off on the way into the ring. Homicide gets his briefcase back.
WINNER: Homicide in 2 minutes. I would have preferred to see Homicide win clean, but I could see why they wouldn't want him to single-handedly bury one of their better tag teams. I also don't know why this only got two minutes—clearly the match was not the point here.
Team 3D brawl with TBI on the outside, then Kiyoshi and Bashir come out to ambush Team 3D. What happened to No Limit? The heels take Team 3D into the ring, where Rob Terry squishes both with his killer Spine Buster. I'm not sure where Homicide went.
Mick Foley "will become", and tells us to cross the line.
[Commercial Break]
Later tonight we'll see Velvet Sky vs. Tara, The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money, and Kevin Nash & Matt Morgan vs. AJ Styles & Daniels.
Earlier today Mike Tenay sat down with Suicide. This won't go well. Tenay says that he's been a complete mystery, except for the lyrics to his theme music, which we're told he wrote. It's some basic tormented "poetry". Suicide says that his pain is not his alone he had to choose whether to live or die. Tenay reads some more lyrics—"Suicide comes alive". Suicide says that he chose to come back and be a dark savior. Suicide does not represent the end, but the beginning. Now that's simply irresponsible to put on TV—though "The Dark Savior" is a cool nickname. They really should not let Suicide say more than a sentence at a time, since it all sounds cliché.
[Commercial Break]
We recap Sting's history with the MEM. When I started watching wrestling, part of the fun was figuring out what the hell was happening. These recaps don't help anyone.
Here's Sting, title in hand. He knows Kurt's watching, and says that if he wants his belt, he can come and get it. In the meantime though, he wants to talk to Joe. How did Sting know Joe would be closer to the entranceway than Kurt? Well he was, and here he is, mic in hand. He comes into the ring, though doesn't make eye contact with Sting. Sting says that Joe is every reason why wrestling is as bad as it is right now, and why this company is as bad as it is right now. Joe wants everything, but he's not willing to work for it. He took a payoff, and he did it at Sting's expense. That was a mistake. Sting doesn't need four men at his back to make things right; things aren't right now, since now Sting's pissed off. Joe looks up, and Sting begs him to take a shot. He wants to know what, or who, is stopping Joe. Joe tells him that, luckily for Sting, he's been instructed to keep his temper. Sting wants to know who the great wizard who's pulling the strings is, as black as Joe's heart is, he wouldn't be doing this sort of thing on his own. Joe says again that we'll find out at Victory Road. Sting doesn't think that's good enough, so he will be heading to the back, dragging Joe's advisor out to the ring, and picking him apart in front of everyone. Sting storms off.
[Commercial Break]
Lauren is in the back with Jenna Morasca. She wants to know how Jenna will combat Sojo's training of Sharmell for Victory Road. Jenna says that the answer is money—Sharmell forgot that Jenna can buy her with just the money she has in her back pocket. So she went out and bought a "trainer" of her own. Lauren seems shocked, and we soon see why—Jenna's hired Raesha Saeed and Awesome Kong. Saeed reminds us that Kong is here to destroy.
Booker T and Scott Steiner join the commentary booth for the next match. I really hope Steiner does the talking.
(2) THE MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS vs. BEER MONEY INC.
James Storm takes down Sabin to start. I forgot that Booker is actually surprisingly funny on commentary. Sabin slides between Storm's legs, but when he goes for an Arm Drag Storm just steps back and watches Sabin fall on his backside. Sabin, angry, punches Storm. Storm punches him back much harder. Sabin rolls outside, and when Storm follows him out he eats a High Knee off the apron from Shelley. They roll Storm into the ring and start working their double-team magic. Simultaneous clotheslines to the front and back get two. They go for another, but Roode shoves Storm out of the way and the Guns collide. Roode hip tosses Storm to their corner to make the tag. He comes in with punches for both. He leapfrogs Sabin and dropkicks him, then hits a Spine Buster on Shelley that Sabin has to break up at two. The Guns do-se-do around a couple of attempted whips into the corner, and nail a big Missile Dropkick/Flatliner. They're rally doesn't last long, as Storm knocks Sabin from the ring, hits a Back Stabber on Shelley, then Roode hoists Shelly off Storms legs and into a DWI for the win. Shelley looks like he was hit by a truck.
WINNERS: Beer Money in four minutes. The two teams have fairly decent chemistry, so one once again has to question whoever is in charge of pacing the show—this could easily have gone 10-15 minutes.
Beet Money stare down Booker & Steiner after the match.
The Beautiful People are walking around backstage. Angelina Love is still on an anti-spider rant, talking about how she's going to call NASA on Tara. Sky suddenly explodes, questioning why everything's always about Angelina. Sky thinks that Love leaving her out there last week was unacceptable, and that if she does it again then they're through forever. Love looks contrite for a moment, but as soon as Sky leaves she comments that she didn't know that the spider that crawled up Velvet's butt last week died there. Rayne's expression is blank. This better be a feint, as The Beautiful People's value will drop precipitously if they break up.
[Commercial Break]
(3) VELVET SKY (w/ANGELINA LOVE & MADISON RAYNE) vs. TARA (w/SPIDER)
The camera guy cops a feel during Sky's entrance. I cannot imagine where that angle can go, but okay. Sky goes right after Tara, but gets taken into corner where she eats some shoulder thrusts. She explodes outward with a clothesline, mounts Tara for some strikes, and slams her to the mat by the hair. She helps Tara to her feet and brings her down by the hair again for two. A Snapmare, a shot to the back, and another hair yank get two more. Sky takes Tara over to the ropes, but the ref looks before Sky can plant her with the title (though that required Love taking a conspiculously long time). Tara kicks Sky from her back, and comes up punching. She hits a series of clotheslines and a Body Slam before nailing the Widow's Peak for game.
WINNER: Tara in 3 minutes. This one probably went just the right length, as they gave Sky a bit of offense in what was essentially a squash.
After the match Tara gets the tarantula. Why didn't Love or Rayne grab it during the contest? Love grabs a mic and tells Tara not to do it. The crowd disagrees, so she has to tell them to shut up. Love says that she'll give Tara what she wants—a one-on-one match. Tara says that it's a deal, so long as the title is on the line. Don West calls that extortion, which it certainly seems to be. Love hesitates, so Tara starts to lower the spider. Love reluctantly agrees to the title match. Rachael asks me who the heel is in this feud, and while I'm confident that the correct answer is Angelina Love, I really have no idea why.
[Commercial Break]
(4) ANGELINA LOVE (w/MADISON RAYNE) vs. TARA Knockouts Championship Match
Angelina goes to whack Tara with her belt, but the ref stops her. Tara takes advantage with a School Girl, a Backslide, and a Small Package for two apiece. Love rolls out of the ring for a breather. Rayne yanks Tara out of the ring. Referee Rudy Charles sees it and sends her to the back, leaving Love without backup. Rayne does give Love time to take control, as she whips Tara into the barricade. The crowd chants for Tara as Love rolls her into the ring for a couple of two counts. Love hits her Bicycle Kick for another series of two counts. Love throws a tantrum when she can't get three. Tara tries to fight back from her knees, but Love whips her into the corner. Tara dodges an attempted charge and hits a series of right hands. She nails a Spinning Sidewalks Slam for a long two count. She follows up with the Widow's Peak, and that's all she wrote.
WINNER (and new champion): Tara in five minutes. Remember when the women's title meant something? No? I miss Gail Kim, and can't wait for Awesome Kong to squish Tara.
Tara celebrates in the ring.
[Commercial Break]
Lauren catches up with Tara backstage. Tara seems to be crying—I don't know if it's legit. You can still hear the crowd chanting for her in the background. She says how grateful she is to be in TNA, and thanks her spider ("Poison").
We rundown the card for Victory Road. We've added Matt Morgan vs. Daniels and Samoa Joe vs. Sting.
Earlier this week Abyss ambushed Dr. Stevie in his office. Dr. Stevie says that he only did what he did to Lauren to get Abyss back. Suddenly Abyss starts convulsing, as it seems Dr. Stevie drugged his water. How did he get access to Abyss's water? Abyss can't move or talk, but he can see and feel everything. You know what wrestling needed more of? If you said anything other than "date rape drugs", you apparently can't get a job at TNA. Dr. Stevie slaps Abyss around a bit and breaks a glass across his face. In our ongoing question of how bad a concept these guys can pull off, we now know at least part of the answer—not this bad.
[Commercial Break]
(5) MATT MORGAN & KEVIN NASH vs. AJ STYLES & DANIELS
Morgan goes after Daniels to start. Daniels ducks a clotheslines and hits a series of chops, but Morgan no-sells them and shoulder blocks Daniels to the mat. Daniels gets up and tries to kick Morgan's legs out from under him, but Morgan swats him away and Body Slams him to the canvas. Morgan whiffs on an attempted elbow drop, so Daniels cinches in a chin lock. Morgan powers out, so Daniels just tags in AJ. They hit a High/Low for two, but as soon as Daniels leaves the ring Morgan manhandles him into the corner. Nash tags in, and sends a crotch chop in Daniels's direction. When Nash gets AJ up for a Back Body Drop AJ slips out and lands a series of strikes. Both men tag out. Daniels tries to come at Morgan off the ropes, but Nash kicks him in the back and he ends up eating a Carbon Footprint. Morgan plays to the crowd, and by the time he makes the cover it only gets two. He tags back in Nash, who hits some knees and some elbows in the corner. Morgan tags in and works over Daniels's ribs a bit. He hits his back elbows in the corner, then nails a big charge. Morgan then goozles the back of Daniels's neck, lifts him up, and slams him into the corner turnbuckle. I don't think I've ever seen that before. Nash holds Daniels against the ropes, but Daniels slips away and Nash ends up getting whacked. Daniels makes the tag, and AJ is a blur of motion. He floors Morgan with a Flying Forearm, knocks Nash back off the apron, takes Morgan to down with a dropkick to the knees, and uses Morgan's back as a launching back for a sort of leaping Baseball Slide to Nash on the outside. Morgan tries to lift AJ up for a Choke Slam, but AJ slips out and nails the Pele. Daniels comes in for no obvious reason and nails the BME, then AJ nails a Splash off the top rope from at least 12 feet away. That's enough for the three.
WINNERS: AJ & Daniels in seven minutes. It's sad that I count this as a long match, but I do, and it was a good one. *1/2
[Commercial Break]
Lauren is in the parking lot looking for Sting. We see a Joe-like figure standing in the back with a towel over his head. A car pulls up, and it turns out to be Sting lying in wait. Before he can attack the driver, Joe runs out and uses his tribal knife to choke Sting out.
Jeff Jarrett tells us to cross the line, and that he too can become.
Eric Young's music hits, and he comes down wearing a referee's uniform for our main event. That's surprisingly sensible; I wonder why they didn't do the reveal last.
(6) MICK FOLEY vs. JEFF JARRETT vs. KURT ANGLE Special Referee Eric Young
Jarrett and Foley attack Angle to start. Jarrett hits a high Vertical Suplex, Foley runs his eyes against the ropes, and then Jarrett hits mounted punches in the corner. EY pulls him down. While Jarrett argues with the ref, Kurt Angle ducks an attempted clothesline from Foley that ends up knocking Jarrett out of the ring. Foley retains control over Angle, working him over in the ring, then taking him outside and rib-first into the barricade a couple of times. Foley stalks Angle, but before he can attack again Jarrett turns him into a right hand and then hits The Stroke on the steel steps.
[Commercial Break]
Angle is stomping Jarrett in the ring. He takes him over with a Vertical Suplex for two. Angle works a chin lock; Jarrett powers out, but walks right back into a Release Overhead Belly-to-Belly Suplex for two. Outside the ring, Steiner sneaks down from backstage and whacks Foley with a lead pipe. Angle is working a submission in the middle of the ring that looks suspiciously like a hug. Jarrett powers out with some back elbows, then hits a series of clotheslines. An attempted Irish Whip into the corner gets reversed, but Jarrett gets a leg up and comes back with a Tornado DDT for two. Angle looks for the Olympic Slam, but Jarrett reverses into an Arm Drag and follows it up with The Stroke. Eric Young counts to two, then stops. Foley comes back into the ring and drops an elbow onto Jarrett. He works a standing chin lock, but Jarrett gets away with a Jaw Breaker. Jeff gets the guitar, but turns back into a Mandible Claw. Angle comes up behind Foley and hits an Olympic Slam. Jarrett breaks it up at two, and locks in a Figure Four. Foley drops another elbow on Jarrett. He goes for a cover, but Angle pulls him off with an Angle Lock. Foley cries out "no no no", which EY takes as a submission. He calls for the bell, declaring Angle the winner.
WINNER: Kurt Angle in 10 minutes. That was fun. *3/4
After the match, Angle shakes EY's hand. Jarrett punches him (EY) in the face, Back Body Drops him, and whips him out of the ring. He follows EY out, grabs a chair, and chases him out of the arena. In the ring, Foley locks in a Madible Claw on Angle. Joe runs down to the ring the belt, which apparently he got from Sting after taking him out in the parking lot. Booker comes down with barbed wire, which they wrap all around Mick. Steiner comes wielding his lead pipe. Booker wraps the remainder of the wire around a bat, with which he blasts Mick. Rocko and Sally come out to make the save, which goes about as well for them as you'd expect. Real security starts coming down to break up the beating as we go off the air.
b>Where We're Going: Right now, the biggest feuds in TNA are AJ Styles-Samoa Joe, Sting-Angle, Sting-Nash, and Foley-Jarrett…none of which are booked for the next PPV. In all fairness, we should get Jarrett-Eric Young, which would probably have been next on the list, but it's still pretty amazing. I don't really have a vested interest in how many PPV buys Victory Road gets, so the complete disconnect between build-up and PPV will only bother me if it leads to a subpar show. From a business perspective, however, I have no idea what the hell they're thinking.
Star of the Night: Kurt Angle. The main event was fairly good, and I'd certainly be surprised if it was because of Foley or Jarrett. I'm annoyed I can't give it to Homicide, but they really didn't give him much to do his first night back.
Overall: This show wasn't cringe-worthy by any means, but it wasn't really very good either. I don't get why we're supposed to root for Tara over the champion who sticks by her friend. I also don't know why the writers are trying to bury Abyss under layer upon layer of stupid plots. I really don't know why the Motor City Machine Guns only get four minutes, and that as an afterthought in someone else's feud. C+
Daniel is a graduate instructor at The Ohio State University. He just moved. Anyone who wants to help unpack can signify as much by emailing dawilk316@gmail.com
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