By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT - HOUR ONE
DECEMBER 14, 2009
LIVE FROM CORPUS CHRISTY, TEX.
AIRED ON USA NETWORK

[Q1]

-The opening video package welcomed viewers to the "2009 Slammy Awards." Then they aired the regular Raw opening. Then Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler introduced viewers to "a new holiday tradition - the Slammy Awards." He said the winner of a four-man tournament would be deemed Superstar of the Year: Undertaker vs. Randy Orton and John Cena vs. C.M. Punk. No Triple H? No Batista? Does this mean we might get yet another Orton vs. Cena match?

-Justin Roberts introduced Dennis Miller with a brief mini-bio. Miller stood on the stage and said he wished he was warned about the pryo because now he's deaf and incontinent. He made a joke about how he just read an article about how kids from one-parent homes have better verbal skills, while kids from two parent homes are superior at bitterly sarcastic rapparte. The crowd didn't really react much, so Miller said: "I just wanted to get a feel for the wrestling crowd. I'm going to run back to the script now." Cole and Lawler laughed. Of course, everyone backstage was uncomfortable because he said the no-no word on a WWE show: "wrestling." Did he not get clear instructions that the term "sports entertainment" must be used because there's no wrestling or wrestlers on a World Wrestling (ooops) Entertainment show?

He made a joke about putting a sheen on the cod pieces on the statues. He said he's excited to be hosting the Slammy Awards. This is where a career that veers into the oxy-moron of conservative-based stand-up routines takes someone. He said he talks politics on his radio show. He said politics are similar to WWE. He not-so-smoothly read his scripted joke: "They both have loud obnoxious women with increasing power who's faces scare little children." Then they showed pictures of Nancy Pilosy and Vickie Guerrero. Lawler and Cole chuckled as the crowd heckled. He read a joke about Triple H and Shawn Michaels recovering from injuries. They showed a Photoshopped image of Dick Cheney and George Bush.

He then asked if anyone in the crowd believes in global warming. He said over 100 years the temperature of the planet is supposedly up 1.8 degrees. He said back in 1906 "we were still defecating in the woods, but I'm supposed to believe they had a strangle hold on the Farenheit at the Earth's magma." His jokes are based on such narrow, selective information of how global warming is determined. He's way smarter than his jokes and is playing to such a low common denominator here, as if the theory of global warming is based solely on thermometer readings 100 years ago instead of, oh, let's see... radically changing eco-systems, melting icecaps, flooding shorelines with no scientifically measurable history of flooding before (which, if you get science at all, is something concretely measurable), and on and on and on. I'm not coming down on one side or the other, but rather just saying that Miller's jokes supposedly mocking "the science" that goes into global warming theories is based on the lowest level of knowledge possible about that science, which explains Matt Striker laughing uproariously at the joke. There are much more informed ways to attempt to debunk global warming. It's really beneath him and insulting to his audience, but he gives a niche audience what they want to hear, apparently, as he's stuck to his simple-minded approach for years. It's like saying there weren't calendars back when dinosaurs roamed the Earth, so how could anyone really prove when they existed?! His whole "debunking global warming" bit is about that stupid.. I dare say even the two staunch Republicans on the PWTorch staff groan at how dumbed down his jokes are.

He said he has it on good authority that Cheney still wears the Shawn Michaels chaps when he's alone. (That was his way of proving he's an "equal-opportunity jokester.") Then he showed an image of John Cena and President Obama. He said one of the two men has just been put through a table, while the other has yet to bring anything to one. He smiled that he can still get away with an Obama joke with this audience.

He then said he and WWE share core values such as freedom of expression. He plugged his charity, USA Cares. He then introduced R-Truth and Jillian Hall as the first presenters of the night. Striker said it was a great monologue.

Out walked Truth and Jillian. Jillian bragged about being a good singer and wanted to sing "Whomp, there it is!" She began singing and Truth interrupted and corrected her. He said she just inspired him to change the lyrics to his song. He sang his song, but got to the "What's up?" part and told her to "Shut up!" He named the nominees: DX, Legacy, The Hart Dynasty (yeah, right), or Big Show & Chris Jericho. JeriShow won and then walked out.

Jericho said they would have won this year or any other year, so he's not going to feign surprise. He thanked the long-forgotten Edge "for being cowardly and selfish enough to get hurt and relinquishing his half of the tag team championships." He thanked himself for choosing Big Show as his partner. "It was genius and I thank myself for that." Show leaned down and joked that the mic is meant for shorter people. Show said they'd "retain" their tag titles in the near future. Jericho corrected him and said "regain." Show said Jericho is the smart one, obviously. Jericho said he's going to invoke their rematch clause to face DX tonight.

-They showed Cole, Lawler, and Striker at ringside. They talked about the headlines coming out of TLC. They showed a freeze-frame of Cena's crash through a table mid-ring. Cole called it one of the bigger upsets he's ever seen.

[Q2] [c]

-Before the first match they showed Vladimir Kozlov bailing on his partner Ezekiel last Tuesday on ECW. William Regal stood mid-ring and said Vlad and Ezekiel have worked out their differences, and to prove it, they've challenged Christian to pick two partners and face them. Christian limped out. Regal called it a "wounded soldier routine" and demanded to know who his partners were. Christian called him "Bill" and said he can barely walk after his brutal ladder match last night at TLC, but he picked partners who will have no trouble facing his partners. Out walked Kane and The Great Khali.

1 -- CHRISTIAN & THE GREAT KHALI & KANE vs. WILLIAM REGAL & EZEKIEL JACKSON & VLADIMIR KOZLOV

At 2:00 Kane tagged in against Regal and went to work aggressively. When Vlad tagged in, Kane gave him a nasty boot to the face. Khali then chopped him down and pinned him. Good to see Christian selling the effects of the ladder match the night before.

WINNERS: Christian & Khali & Kane in 3:00.

-Back to Miller, who stumbled over Khali's name when congratulating him. He said he ran into them backstage and felt more out of place than Michael Moore in Speedo at a "Twilight" premiere. Fat jokes are so sophisticated. I bet Rush Limbaugh is his next target. Just a guess. He introduced Tiffany and Teddy Long to present the next award, the Breakout Star of the Year. Nominees: Drew McIntrye, Sheamus, Yoshi Tatsu (yeah, him!), Abraham Washington (even he's funnier than Miller, thanks mostly to Tony Atlas). Sheamus was the winner, which for some reason tickled and thrilled Tiffany. Shouldn't she have been rooting for Tatsu? And, if nothing else, not act thrilled that the new top heel brutalizing and retiring wrestlers won? How tone-deaf was that reaction?

Sheamus walked out wearing his WWE Title. "I suppose you people take me seriously now," he said. He asked if Cena if he still considers him a footnote. He bragged about putting him through a table and taking his title. He brought up Roddy Piper, Paul Orndorff, Curt Hennig, and Ricky Steamboat were Hall of Famers who didn't accomplish what he did last night. "I guess that makes me better than all of them," he said. He said Cena will never get his title back.

[Q3] [c]

-They showed Cole, Striker, and Lawler at ringside. Lawler said Cena is a candidate for Superstar of the Year because he won the WWE Title twice. He also lost it twice. Striker told him to put on an orange t-shirt. They listed the nominees again: Punk, Undertaker, Orton, and Cena.

2 -- CODY RHODES vs. KOFI KINGSTON

Striker complimented Rhodes for not wearing kneepads and being a throwback with no gimmick necessary. When Kofi hit the Boom Drop at 1:00, Ted DiBiase ran in and attacked him. Evan Bourne made the save and cleared the ring.

WINNER: Kingston via DQ in 1:00.

-Miller said he was just given his own Slammy for "best announcement by a guest host." He said that match has just been reset as a tag team match. He told Jeremy Piven and Al Sharpton to "suck it." Kingston and Bourne dove through the ropes onto Rhodes and DiBiase, then they cut to a break. [c]

[Q4]

2B -- EVAN BOURNE & KOFI KINGSTON vs. TED DIBIASE & CODY RHODES

The match was joined in progress with Legacy in control against Kingston. At 4:00 Bourne hot-tagged in against Rhodes. Rhodes managed to counter Bourne and score a pin with a Crossroads.

WINNERS: Rhodes & DiBiase in 5:00.

-Striker plugged the Unified Tag Team Title rematch. [c]

-WWE Fact: Over the last five years, WWE Superstars have visited more than 200 military-related sites.

-Back to Miller on stage with Oscar-like music playing. Miller said he's getting the feeling for this. "Now that I'm starting to get the feeling for this, I have to apologize for this show open," he said. "Why didn't somebody tell me you just had to come out and scream 'suck it!' and you're considered a genius." After an Octomom-Planned Parenthood joke, he introduced Vickie and Santino as the next presenters.

Santino said what's shocking is that Vickie could pull herself away from her deep fried pork quesadillas to come out onto the stage. "That's funny because Vickie is slightly overweight," he said. Shocker of the Year nominees: Orton DDTs Stephanie McMahon in front of Triple H, Batista turning on Rey Mysterio, Punk retires Jeff Hardy, or Sheamus slams Mark Cuban through a table. Punk won for retiring Hardy.

Punk walked out and greeted VIckie warmly, then snatched the trophy away from Santino and grimaced at him. His kissed his trophy as Cole threw to a strangely placed break. (Since it was 8:56, perhaps they were too close to the top of the hour and didn't want to be at a break at the 9 p.m. mark, which is smart). [c]

-An ECW ad hyped that Kane will appear.

-Punk stood in the ring with his trophy as the hour ended.

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