By Wade Keller, Torch editor

KELLER'S TNA IMPACT REPORT
DECEMBER 14, 2009
TAPED IN ORLANDO, FLA.
AIRED ON SPIKE TV

[Q1]

-The show opened with clips of Hulk Hogan's interview with Joe Rogan on "The Ultimate Fight Night" plus Eric Bischoff, Dixie Carter, and Hogan sitting in the crowd. They intermixed clips of Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley, with Foley trying to get Jarrett (via speaker phone) to join him in stopping Hogan. Then they moved to Desmond Wolfe-Kurt Angle clips. Then back to Hogan talking about going to battle on Jan. 4 with WWE, naming WWE by name. The title of the show is "Foley/Jarrett Summit."

-They went to Foley limping into Kevin Nash sitting at a desk, with Jeremy Borash leading the way with a mic in hand. Nash said he arranged for Foley to meet with Hogan face-to-face tomorrow. Nash handed Foley a plane ticket, which he said was coach with two layovers. "You're saving the company money; I like it," he said. Nash said he had to leave right away, so he suggested maybe he'd run the show without him. Foley wasn't sure he could trust him to run Impact, but he agreed to it because he arranged a Hogan meeting. Foley pulled a DVD out of his luggage of he and Jarrett having a meeting. He told Nash to be sure the (production) "truck" gets it. Foley then invited Borash along. Borash excitedly said he's with him. Nash gave them $100 for dinner and cocktails, too. Borash was even more excited. As soon as they left the office, Nash called and asked someone for the security tapes for the last three months in that office. Everyone played their parts well on that skit.

-The Impact opening aired followed by Mike Tenay introducing the show as pyro blasted in the arena.

-Nash walked out with Eric Young. Taz wondered what Nash has in store for everyone now that he's in charge. Nash entered the ring and informed the crowd that he worked out a deal to be in charge of Impact. He said he gets to run the matches and festivities. He said he accomplished this by setting up a one-on-one meeting with Foley and Hulk. He explained that Foley was on his way to the airport, so it's time to reveal what he has in store for them. He announced: The British Invasion ("all three of them") vs. "Motor City Machine Gun" Chris Sabin. He milked the three-on-one aspect well. Also Scott Steiner & a Knockout of his choice vs. Bobby Lashley & his wife Krystal. He said, "Tighten 'em up, Krystal." He also said Young would "defend his title on U.S. soil." He wasn't happy, but then Nash revealed his opponent was Hamada. Also, Tara vs. ODB in a "Trailer Park Throwdown," street fight rules with one twist - "Each girl must guzzle a six-pack of beer before the match." Team 3D & Rhino & Jesse Neal vs. The Pope & Matt Morgan & Hernandez & Suicide. Whoever gets pinned will have to start the elimination match at Final Resolution alone for five minutes against the other team. And there's more: Lacey Von Erich vs. Velvet Sky in a "mud wrestling match." The crowd popped. Tenay said Nash's fingerprints are all over this. And finally, because Foley couldn't get his money back for his suspension, to the highest bidder gets a title shot against A.J. That's not the four weeks of matches. Not even the next two. That's all packed into this two hour show. Seven matches including a TNA World Title match. Nash added that he's got about two hours left on his Viagara, so he may do a run-in in the mud match.

-Tenay threw to Foley searching for Dixie Carter. He complained to Dixie Carter on a TV screen for not consulting him about Hulk Hogan. He ran into a couple people in a room who apparently "write very good stuff" according to Foley (they weren't identified, but it was Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara). He asked them to write him a vignette where Dixie Carter "actually returns my phone calls or texts." Foley talked to another guy backstage (Dave Sahadi) who said he's bummed that Jarrett hasn't replied to him. He suggested a place where he might find Jarrett in Nashville. This is boring. I'm not even sure who their target audience is for this other than club that loves Foley so very much they'll watch him wander around an office talking to unidentified people. [c]

[Q2]

-They showed Tenay and Taz at ringside. Tenay asked Taz where he heard the big news. Taz said he received a Tweet from TNA President Dixie Carter that a big announcement would be on Spike TV. Taz hyped the three-hour Monday, Jan. 4 special edition of Impact. Tenay said there will be more videos of Foley searching for Jarrett.

1 -- THE BRITISH INVASION (Doug Williams & Brutus Magnus & Red Flag Rob) vs. CHRIS SABIN

Tenay hyped a graphic video would air later of something with Abyss. Sabin held up pretty well early, knocking both Williams and Magnus to the floor. Rob hit him from behind, though. Sabin fought back at 3:00 with a dropkick on both Williams and Magnus, then small packaged Rob for the upset win. Williams and Magnus yelled at Rob for losing.

WINNER: Sabin in 3:00. I still don't get why Rob is allowed on TV looking like that. Does TNA want Congress to bring Dixie back for more questioning? He just makes everyone else look like they skip going to the gym.

-So Cal Val interviewed Scott Steiner backstage. She stood three inches from his face for some reason, which was totally unnatural. She also looked like she was trying to sell him on a lap dance with her flirting body language. Steiner said she replaced Borash and already pissed him off by saying the Main Event Mafia doesn't exist anymore. He's still in denial. Steiner said he'll find a freak, just as Nash wants him to do. He unzipped his jacket and showed an air-brush image of Krystal in a bikini on his t-shirt. He said she's been on his chest before. He also threatened to punch their 18 month old son Miles. He said he doesn't discriminate against age. [c]

-Foley walked into a restaurant in Hendersonville, Tenn. and asked a woman where Jarrett was. She said she hadn't seen him in a month or so, but he might have been around when she wasn't. He asked her to tell him if she sees him.

[Q3]

2 -- BOBBY LASHLEY & KRYSTAL vs. SCOTT STEINER & AWESOME KONG

There's no explanation for how Nash can force Krystal to wrestle. That kind of arbitrary storytelling liberty not lost on viewers. Steiner did the Rick Rude bit where he had Krystal air brushed on his trunks. Krystal had her sad face on. Lashley controlled early action. After a gut-buster and a suplex, he scored a two count. Taz marveled as Lashley's strength. Kong tripped Lashley from ringside. Kong wanted to tag in against Lashley. She just charged into the ring and threw a clothesline, but Lashley ducked and it hit Steiner. Steiner yelled at her. Lashley then hit the distracted Steiner with a t-bone suplex. Steiner rolled out of the ring. When Lashley followed, Steiner reversed Lashley into the ringside steps. Steiner then went after Krystal when she tried to check on her husband. Kong then caught Krystal from behind with chops to the shoulders and a body slam. Kong then climbed to the top rope, but instead Steiner covered he missionary style. He then did push-ups over her, simulating intercourse. Lashley charged into the ring, sending Steiner scurrying.

WINNER: Steiner in 5:00 when he pinned Krystal.

-Lauren interviewed Samoa Joe about entering the "Feast of Fired" match at Final Resolution. Joe said at Turning Point he was in the main event, but then he was sent home for two weeks as Daniels was pushed into a title shot. He said he was left off of the so-called random selection of wrestlers who got a shot in the Thanksgiving tournament. He said someone wants to keep him away from the World Title, which is why he's entering the "Feast of Famine" match. Beer Money Inc. walked in. Hotheaded James Storm got in his face, but the cooler Robert Roode told Joe they're entering it, too, even at the risk of losing their job. Joe used Storm's line against them: "Sorry about your damn luck." Roode told Storm it's definitely worth the risk. Storm was less sure.

-They aired a clip of Joe Rogan interviewing Hulk Hogan in front of the Octagon with the apparently obligatory shot of Dixie Carter nodding from the stands. [c]

-Nash walked into the Beautiful People's locker room and said he doesn't want to humiliate them, but rather is going for ratings. Velvet Sky said, "What do I care about ratings?" Nash said millions will be watching and not taking their eyes off the screen. He said he'll be watching with baited breath. Nash said with ratings comes money. He said with money comes things. They giggled about new clothes and cars. Nash said they're going to make a ton of money. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne reacted to Lacey Von Erich patronizingly saying she was "so pretty," implying she was dumb after she said she hoped they got rated like a hotel, but six-stars, not just five.

[Q4]

-A video package aired on the Sting situation with clips of Dixie talking about luring him back.

-Tenay said there's still no word from Sting. Taz then said he wanted to hear more about the Jan. 4 announcement. They threw to the full Rogan interview with Hogan at "The Ultimate Fight Night." They still never acknowledge Eric Bischoff when he's in the stock footage from Fight Night or the MSG press conference.

-Lauren interviewed Tara, who was drinking beer as required by Nash. She complained about having to drink before a match. Lauren asked how she's perform given the circumstances. Tara said she'd drink a keg to get her hands on ODB. Tara tripped off camera and Lauren winced. [c]

-So Cal Val interviewed Young about his title defense later. Young said he wouldn't defend his title on U.S. soil for just any commissioner. He said he's breaking his own rule, but at least he's defending against a non-American. He said he wants Hamada to really try to beat him because he's going to treat it as any other match. He closed with his catch phrase: "Welcome to our world."

3 -- ERIC YOUNG vs. HAMADA -- TNA Global Title match

Hamada spin wheel kicked Young out of the ring. She threw chops and headbutts at ringside, then threw Young back into the ring. She charged him in a corner, but he lifted a boot. Young climbed to the second rope, but she kicked him and then used a huracanrana to send him to the mat for a near fall. She bodyslammed Young and then went for a moonsault off the top rope. Young moved and put his feet on the middle rope for illegal leverage to score the three count.

WINNER: Young in 2:00 to retain the TNA Global Title.

[Q5]

-The Beautiful People chatted backstage, wanting to be sure they get a huge bonus if they draw ratings. Rayne suggested maybe a wardrobe malfunction. They all giggled about the possibility. Von Erich said they're probably over-thinking it and it's probably good enough if they just go out and wrestle. Sky agreed because they draw ratings every week. Rayne said whomever is the better wrestler wins the match. They all giggled. Off camera they showed off their outfits to each other by opening their robes to the back of the camera.

-Back to Foley searching for Jarrett. He was at another local hangout. He asked for directions somewhere else. But then he heard Jarrett's voice in the background. Jarrett had grown out a beard and was sitting at a bar drinking mid-day. Foley said, "Well, I'll be damned." [c]

-Mid-commercial they showed ODB drinking.

-Taz wanted Tenay to confirm that was Jarrett they just saw. Tenay said it's been five months since they've seen him. He said they'd have more video footage of Foley and Jarrett later.

-So Cal Val interviewed ODB backstage. She wanted to know who named it Trailer Park Throwdown. She said that's like any other match for her. She said she'll give Tara a hangover that will last past Final Resolution.

4 -- TARA vs. ODB -- Trailer Park Throwdown

ODB dominated at the onset and wrapped her in yellow police tape at ringside. She used a toilet plunger as a weapon. ODB catapulted Tara into a ladder in the corner. Tara kicked out at two after a splash by ODB off of a small ladder. ODB choked Tara with a garden hose and a tiki torch. Tara made a comeback, but ODB quickly regained control, showing a better ability to handle her liquor. She drove her face-first into a chair and scored the pin.

WINNER: ODB in 3:00.

-Foley told Jarrett he looks like hell. Jarrett said that's because he's been living through heel. He told Foley he didn't understand why he chased him down after what he told him on the phone last week. Foley said they go back over 20 years to the summer of 1988. He said he knows Jarrett can't stay away from pro wrestling. Jarrett said, "Double J probably can't, but Jeff Jarrett can." Foley said he can't be serious. Jarrett said, "After what she's done to me? Are you kidding me?" There's NO BACK STORY for the viewers to understand what anyone is talking about here. Who are they playing to???

[Q5] [c]

-Tenay said due to the graphic nature of the Abyss video, Spike TV wouldn't allow them to air it, but it'd be available on their website tonight.

-Brother Ray and Devon accompanied Rhino and Neal to the ring. Brother Ray said The Pope wasn't going to make it tonight, so it'd be a handicapped match. Out walked the three babyfaces. Tenay said the match would be next. [c]

5 -- RHINO & JESSE NEAL & TEAM 3D vs. MATT MORGAN & HERNANDEZ & SUICIDE

The match began promptly after the break. Tenay told people the next Foley-Jarrett segment would be up next in case this wrestling action had anyone really impatient for more talking between two 40-plus wrestlers about a matter not explained to viewers yet. At 3:00 Hernandez tagged in cleaned house. Neal attacked Hernandez from behind, but he fought back and dove onto the heels at ringside.

[Q7]

Back in the ring Neal kicked out after a Hernandez slam. Brother Ray intervened and gave Hernandez a Bubba Bomb. Morgan then gave Ray a Carbon Footprint. Rhino gave Morgan a belly-to-belly. Suicide gave Rhino a top rope dropkick. Devon gave Suicide an overhead suplex. Hernandez then gave Devon a Border Toss. Neal speared Hernandez out of nowhere for the three count. The Pope ran out with a limp afterward with a crowbar in hand to clear the ring of the heels.

WINNERS: Rhino & Neal & Team 3D in 6:00. [c]

-Mid-commercial a brief video aired of Tomko training at the gym with a graphic that said he's back.

-They showed Tenay and Taz at ringside covered in tarp to stay clear of flying mud.

6 -- LACEY VON ERICH vs. VELVET SKY -- Mud Match

Madison Rayne was special referee. Taz said any red-blooded male or a female who "goes that way," you might enjoy this. Taz said Nash is his favorite person. Tenay said they'll keep teasing them, but eventually they'll kiss on TV. It was a rainbow colored kiddie pool filled with mud. Tenay said he calls this "the eight sides of plastic not to be confused with the six sides of steel." Lacey and Velvet wrestled in the mud, but Taz complained that it was too liquidy. He said it's one of the proudest moments of his announcing career. Madison laughed at them, so they yanked her by her legs into the mud. Tenay yelled, "Three way! Three way!" Sky then pinned Von Erich. They splashed muddy water on each other afterward.

WINNER: Velvet Sky in 2:00.

-They went backstage to Lauren interviewing "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal who talked about losing to Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Lethal said he didn't have a chance to prepare because he didn't know whom he was going to wrestle. Lauren said he's the one who sent out an open invite. He rambled in vintage Macho Man style and alluded to tagging with Hogan.

-They showed Styles backstage, reconciling his religious views with this entire show. [c]

-More of Foley chatting with Jarrett at the bar. He told Jarrett that when he invested in TNA at his recommendation, they were all flourishing, but now he's not sure where he stands now that Dixie invited Hogan into the mix. Jarrett was upset Foley was making it all about him. Hasn't he met Foley? Jarrett told Foley to get real. He asked him if he remembered who founded TNA "with my money, my sweat, my tears." He said it disappeared into thin air. Foley said he brought it on himself. Jarrett said, "The penalty didn't fit the crime, and you know that!" Foley said he didn't know that. Jarrett said if that's the case, the conversation is over. Foley said the Jarrett he once knew wouldn't bury is problems in a bottle. Foley asked who was raising his two daughters. Jarrett said it was three, not two. He told him to sit down at the bar because they need to talk.

7 -- A.J. STYLES vs. DESMOND WOLFE -- TNA World Title match

As Styles walked out, Tenay wondered who paid the most to get the title shot. Desmond Wolfe walked out. Kurt Angle then joined Tenay and Taz on commentary. Angle said everybody put in a bid in and he was curious who outbid everyone. Angle said Wolfe will work over an arm until it falls off. "I've been there," he said. Styles made a comeback against Wolfe at 2:00. He hit a springboard forearm at 3:00. Wolfe kicked Styles low and smiled about it behind the ref's back. Daniels grabbed Wolfe's leg to distract him, which led to Styles rolling him up from behind for the win.

WINNER: Styles in 4:00 to retain the TNA World Title. 

-Daniels poked Wolfe in the chest afterward. They shoved each other and argued until referees stepped between them. Tenay hyped that the conclusion of the Foley-Jarrett conversation was up next. The main event of the show, after the World Title match. [c]

-Jarrett held his head at a table and told Foley he doesn't know what it would accomplish to talk to her now. Foley said five month is the perfect amount of time to have waited. Jarrett asked if she won't talk to him (Foley), why would she talk to him (Jarrett). Foley said Dixie knows at the end of the day there would be no TNA without him. Jarrett nodded in agreement. Foley said he should just do it by walking into the Impact Zone next with his head held high. He told him to start anew and ignore the past. Jarrett offered a handshake. The show ended with a handshake. Seriously, what percentage of TNA Impact viewers have any idea what they're talking about?

FINAL THOUGHTS: An awful, awful show in almost every way. But if you haven't discovered Internet porn, then maybe the mud wrestling match made your week. But if you don't have Internet access, then the rest of the show was a mess otherwise. How can someone look at a script for this show and say, "Yeah, this is good!" This almost seemed like a practical joke by a pair of writers on their way out the door, trying to burn down the house before they leave.

QUOTEBOOK

Mike Tenay: "Knowing that Kevin Nash is always for Kevin Nash, I wonder how impartial he'll be as an authority figure."

Tazz: "I think we might see a hot chick throw up, which is weird."

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