By Bruce Mitchell, PWTorch senior columnist

Here's how it's going to work one night only:

Whatever I see, whatever I switch on, that's what I write.

Whatever I don't see, whatever I don't switch on, I don't write.

TNA Impact:

We start with the parade of has-beens: Sting, Mick Foley, Kurt Angle.

You can tell people are illiterate when they put quotes around the title. "Time For A Change" You don't see James Cameron producing "Avatar."

Taz and Mike Tenay are behind a nice, new desk.

The first shocking signing for TNA? Bubba The Love Sponge.

BTLS interviews some Hulk Hogan fans. One twenty-something wants "good wrestling - like with Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and The Ultimate Warrior." Sure he does. What was he, five years old then? Another poor soul has a TNA Cross The Line tattoo.

Homicide, Kyoshi, Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, The Motor City Madmen, Suicide, and The Amazing Red (What?) put on the same no-context Oh My God spotfest where you can't remember who did what thirty seconds later much less who won, only it's in the red Tinker-Toy Terror-Dome. Tenay notes Mick Foley wasn't allowed in the Impact Zone earlier today, so he's gone heel again. Homicide crushes seven competitors' skull with a tire-iron or something, so the referee makes the right call and DQs him.

They bleep out the fans chanting "This is bullshit" at the DQ finish.

The second shock signing is Jeff Hardy, who comes through the crowd. Homicide attacks him. Hardy comes back on him, smashing him in the head with a chair, and leaving him laying with a Twist of Phate. Hardy climbs to the top of the Tinker-Toy Terror-Dome and poses.

This deal, and its details, may turn out to be the biggest story of 2010.

Charlie Daniels, I mean, Kevin Nash does a low-key interview with Christie Hemme. Hey, Nash, you're not the smartest guy in pro wrestling, but that was smart to say you learned from Hogan. He brags about all the money he'll make.

Nash: Hulk is on his way, and he's not alone.

Tara defends the Knockouts Title against ODB. New champ. Good call by TNA. Three seconds of celebration, then Tara hits the Widow's Peak and puts the poisonous tarantula on ODB. That's so stupid.

Ric Flair arrives by limousine, shaking hands all the way. He goes to A.J. Styles's dressing room.

Christie Hemme interviewed Mick Foley earlier this afternoon. He said he'd be on his best behavior. They still wouldn't let him in, so he mugged for the fans outside,

Bobby Lashley (w/Krystal Lashley) goes to the ring. Krystal cuts a heel promo for her husband, turning the Impact crowd against him. Krystal demands his immediate release from TNA. "We've got better things to do."

The Beautiful People want to make the biggest impression ever, and it's all about the ratings, so they put on a poker show. Someone finally listened to Jonny Fairplay. Ooh, even better, it's a strip-poker show.

Vince Russo is clearly booking this.

Scott Hall and Sean Waltman aren't allowed in, either. Wow, TNA is the hottest ticket in town.

TNA is the number one trending topic on Twitter. That's money right there.

Hogan arrives next.

Hall and Waltman made it in. I guess they're tougher than Mick Foley.

I swear to god there's been like three 15 second TNA segments, followed by full commercial breaks. I can't wait to see to see the minute by minutes on that. Maybe they're saving minutes for the first head-to-head showdown with Raw.

The Immortal (Ugh) Hulk Hogan makes way slowly down the ramp. He hasn't been this thin since right after the steroid trial. Hall & Waltman clap at ringside. Brooke Hogan is in the audience, squealing for daddy.

The big heat. Well, they loved him in Australia, they loved him in WCW, and look how that turned out.

Hogan: We're making history tonight. TNA is going to be the number one company in the world. This is the dream I've been praying for. (Dear Lord, I want a wrestling promotion...) Hogan starts repeating himself, so Hall & Waltman jump the rail.

Hogan: Give 'em a mic. Bring 'em in the ring. (Wolfpac gang signs all around.)

Hall: Say hello to the bad guy. (They're here to party.)

Hogan: This is a different time and a different place. It doesn't work that way anymore. It's time that we all grow up. It's time we do the right thing for the business. Everyone has to earn his spot. (They have to get that over before Hogan can bring in all his Hulkamaniac buddies.)

Hall: It's time for a change - with you, or without you.

Kevin Nash: Calm down, Hulk has a role to play.

Hogan: No role. I told Dixie, blah blah blah

Nash: When did you turn corporate?

Hogan: Different time...

Eric Bischoff: Brings back memories. We put the 800 pound gorilla in the cage and spanked him. (Then we tanked the entire place and the 800 pound gorilla made us dance for a dollar.) It's a different day, and everybody has to earn their spot.

Nash and the band leave.

EB: Where's the producer? Somebody give me a format.

Bischoff tears up the format sheet.

Sting is waiting in the rafters. Seriously.

Ten years later. The same guys, only this time they're shootin.'

Dixie Carter should be very proud. Five of the biggest stars of the '90s, stars who changed wrestling forever, put on a skit on national television just for her.

I give her credit. She shared it with all of her TNA fans.

TNA wins the first showdown with WWE, at least with me. I stayed with the WCW Old Guys Reunion, instead of switching over to the WWE Old Guy Reunion.

Look, Bret and Shawn are hugging in the ring.

Awesome Kong & Hamada face Sarita & Taylor Wilde for the Knockout titles. Someone beat up the Motor City Machine Guns backstage. Jeremy Borash tries to help.

This is a good match. Hamada hits Sarita with the missile dropkick and we have new champs. Did Eazy E and the Hulkster change that finish in the format?

The Beautiful People are down to their bikinis when the formerly known as Val Venis comes out in a towel. One bad hand and Venis shows his…

Security still won't let Foley in. They also won't let The Nasty Boys in, even though they're "Hogan's boys." NB: Let's get out of here. What, no Nasties/Team 3D dream match?

Raven & Dr. Stevie (w/Daffney) face Hernandez & Matt Morgan. Carbon footprint, and Morgan gets the pin in a complete squash. I bet Hogan called that one.

The Pope cuts a good promo about his match with Desmond Wolf. Orlando Jordan interrupts. (They let that guy in, and not Mick Foley? Or, hell, the Nasty Boys? )

OJ: I'll be watching, kid. (Pope doesn't like that.)

The Pope faces Desmond Wolfe. Wolfe dominates, so Pope pins him out of nowhere with a cradle. Did Eric and Hogan tear up the finish for that one too? I sure didn't see that coming!

They beat up Rhino too.

The reunion continues. Jeff Jarrett is on his way.

A.J. Styles is in the back, sporting his TNA title. He actually plugs his match at Genesis with Kurt Angle. Eazy E gives him the slow clap, and tells him the bad news. He's not defending at Genesis. The good news is he's defending against Kurt Angle tonight.

Eric Bischoff still has that tremendous heel delivery.

The King of the Mountain Jeff Jarrett is in the ring.

JJ: It feels great to be back home in the Impact Zone. Seven years ago I founded TNA. "Thank you, Jeff. Thank you, Jeff." Every critic in the world said we wouldn't last six weeks, six months. Guess what, I'm here, seven years later on a Monday night.

Yeah, great, instead of spending money, let's see TNA draw some money.

Jarrett puts himself over for starting dozens of wrestlers: Beer Money, The Machine Guns, Samoa Joe, and A.J. Styles. Good promo.

Hogan, though, hears "I, I, I. You started this company and ran it into the ground. Dixie Carter saved this company."

"Bullshit! Bullshit!" Oops, this isn't the Internet. The Impact fans like Jeff Jarrett. He brought them their own local wrestling promotion with big stars. Who cares whether it's a shameful failure, they've got their own clubhouse.

HH: All the young guys are going to get a real chance. You got no voting power, no stroke. Get your boots, lace 'em up, and be ready brother.

Dixie Carter is one lucky lady.

Christopher Daniels isn't worried. He got his first name back. Mick Foley is trying to push past Jeremy Borash.

Renaissance man Jeff Hardy finishes painting a self portrait when buddy Shannon Moore reminds him of his meeting with The Big Man.

Samoa Joe faces Abyss and makes him tap.

Krystal Lashley demands Bischoff schedule a meeting with Hulk Hogan.

Take a number.

Bubba The Love Sponge finds Beer Money beaten up too.

Nasty Boys still can't get in, until Bubba the Love Sponge schmoozes the security and the Nasties sneak back.

Kurt Angle explains his feud with A.J. Styles (A.J. won Angle's title, but because there were two more guys in the match, he didn't pin Angle. Tonight we find out who the better man is.) in thirty seconds better than TNA did in three months of TV.

The Nasties tear up Team 3D's locker room, even spray-painting a picture of Devon. Uh oh. The Last Dream Match is on.

A.J. Styles faces Kurt Angle for the TNA title. The masked man who beat everybody up backstage hits the ring. Angle drives him out and they keep wrestling.

They're matching Raw commercial break for commercial break.

After the break it's the great match you'd expect. "This is wrestling!"

Ric Flair comes out just as A.J. Styles is about to tap out. I have to say, if you're going to come out of the back to watch a match, this is the one to watch.

Another commercial match up.

Flair leaves. Angle and A.J. wrestle. (Vince heads to the ring.) Styles win clean in the middle with a Styles clash. Great match. They shake hands.

Hogan is out again on the ramp. Those are the two greatest wrestlers in the business today!

This is the beginning of the greatest rise in the history of (interrupted by a camera man).

Hogan has heard that Foley is in the business.

Foley interrupts Val Venis's orgy. Where's Hogan? Down the hall and to the left.

It's not Hogan, though. It's Eric Bischoff.

Get in Line, Foley. You've been had.

Foley goes to whip his ass. Eric's got a hole card, though. Nash, Hall and Waltman jump Foley. "Have a nice day!" brays Waltman, the punk.

Hogan walks in. Hmm. Was he in on it all along? Does he really want to change the business for the better, or is he just selfish like the NWO? We'll find out on Impact in ten days.

I'll say this. The big stuff was (mostly) a con job aimed at drawing in one person, and making sure she keeps spending (and she spent a ton tonight), but this old guys pro wrestling talk show wasn't WWE (with all of WWE's stale psychosis) and that was more than enough to keep me watching, even with the return of Bret Hart on the other channel. What this really reminded me of was WWE's first ECW pay-per-view or seeing the original Four Horsemen at the NWA Fanfest this summer or one of those Brady Bunch TV reunions (but not the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Seinfeld reunion.) Everyone looks a little bleary, worse for wear and tear, and you're surprised at how nice it to see them all for one night, but maybe Greg Brady shouldn't be on national TV every week anymore.

And after a night of reconciliation between Bret Hart and the entire WWE nation, Vince McMahon kicked Hart in the balls.

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