TNA Impact TV Report
March 29, 2010
"V for Vigilante"
Taped in Orlando, Fla.
Report by Nick D'Achino, Torch Impact specialist

PRE-SHOW THOUGHTS

-This taped edition of Impact will be in the 9:00 to 11:00 p.m. EST timeslot before moving to 8:00-10:00 next week, before going back to 9:00-11:00. Until further notice.

-Yes, even though WrestleMania took place on Sunday night, TNA will still be going up against Post-WrestleMania. In previous weeks, WWE featured stellar WrestleMania lead up, and this week, it's Post-WrestleMania fallout. A guy named Shawn Michaels will be giving his supposed retirement speech on the other channel. This must be driving TNA insane. Realistically, though, this week will signal the end of WrestleMania season until next year, and TNA will no doubt be pleased about that.
　
-Hulk Hogan made headlines earlier in the week saying that the ‘Wolfpack’ of Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Sean Waltman’s days are numbered in TNA. He says this is because apparently no one in TNA management likes them. I guess that also includes him since he's in TNA management. I don’t read much into that, though. On the same radio show months prior, Hogan called Vince Russo, his HEAD WRITER, an idiot who doesn’t have a clue. Months later, he’s still putting together the shows every week. So you can’t blame me for not reading much into what a guy like that has to say on the radio.

DETAILED RECAP
　
[Q1]

-There was a video recap of last week to start things off. As usual, the video made last week look like masterpiece theater.

-Impact opened with some footage from “earlier today” in Hulk Hogan’s office. Hogan was with Jeff Jarrett, and told him that he won’t be at Impact tonight because he’s headed to New York to handle some big TNA business. Hogan apologized to Jarrett for Bischoff‘s behavior. He told Jarrett that tonight he would have the opportunity to beat A.J. Styles and become #1 contender. Jay Lethal then came in the office doing his ‘Black Machismo’ thing. He wanted to be put in charge during Hogan‘s absence. Shockingly, Hogan appeared to be fine with this idea, and he started doing his own Randy Savage imitation. Not as good as Lethal’s, but still very good. Lethal reached out his hand for a “Mega Powers Handshake,” which apparently involves wiggling your fingers before shaking. Hogan obliged him.
　
-Tenay and Taz wasted no time getting into previewing the three scheduled matches for the night - Tara vs. Daffney, Jeff Jarrett vs. A.J. Styles, and The Band vs. Rob Van Dam, Hardy, and Young. All matches had on-screen graphics, which I believe are a must.

The Band of Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Sean Waltman made their way out, led by none other than the most hated man in the Impact Zone himself, Bubba The Love Sponge. They came out to an instrumental of the Wolfpack theme. All three were geared up for later, with both Hall and Waltman wearing “Bubba Army” shirts over their attires. Nash finally dyed his hair back to its original color. Good to see he is all in for the final run. Fans were “thanking Foley” for busting up Bubba last week.
Bubba got on the microphone first. Boy was the crowd unhappy about this. He called the fans “sheep“ and yes, “marks.” He got a quite a reaction when he told the fans they all wanted to be him. Not because of his physical appearance he said, but because of how big a success he was. He said if he's going to work here, then this is the group he wants to hang out with. Bubba said Christy Hem-aye and Jeremy Borash have no business interviewing legends like these guys. Bubba then mocked Eric Young and acted like he didn’t know his name. Maybe he actually doesn’t.

Nash, who always looks disinterested and bored, got on the microphone and said the man's name is Eric Young. He said the reason they weren't there last week was because they were busy gloating over what they did at Destination X. He wanted to apologize to Young though, no hard feelings. During this, Bubba was jawing with fans getting major heat. Hey, if your going to continue employing the guy, you might as well do something like this with him rather than distract from everything as a backstage interviewer/guy who pops in on Hogan every now and then, and who the fans happen to hate. He added to The Band’s heat here.

So out came Young on stage with to little reaction, and no music. He was wearing a “TNA Lockdown” shirt. Seriously. Somebody forgot to tell him TNA event merchandise is for staff and fans, not main-eventers. Young tentatively walked up to Nash and said that what The Band did to him was “wrong.” Nash said what he did was business and they would like to have Young join The Band as a peace offering.
However, the offer only stands if the main event later doesn’t happen. Nash said Hardy and Van Dam are not in their league; and “not ready.” Young instead punched Nash. The Band ganged up on Young and beat him down. "Big mistake!" Nash yelled. Bubba was getting these cheap shots in on Young, and Young didn’t look like he knew whether to sell or not. Finally Young went after Bubba, and the fans went wild. The Band cut him off before he could do any damage though. Young was again beaten down.

Finally, out came Jeff Hardy and RVD, masters of the “late save." They were practically jogging to make this save. The Band (and Bubba) bailed from the ring before RVD and Jeff Hardy could get their hands on them. Hardy said that they were ready for the match NOW. But, as a “tribute” to Lockdown, they would wait for the main event, and it would be a “cage match.” The Band retreated to the back while Jeff Hardy improvised and started singing his theme song. Good opening segment. It was kind of an interesting pairing of Bubba with The Band. Could the Band associating themselves with Bubba - best friend of Hogan - be a political move to keep them around in TNA? Regardless, I saw some potential in them as a stable just in that segment alone. The heat they got from the crowd was a nice break from a show that features largely nothing but guys the fans cheer on.

-We finally got some Destination X highlights as the wrestlers made their way to the ring.
　
[Q2]
　
1 -- X Division champion DOUG WILLIAMS & BRIAN KENDRICK vs. KAZARIAN & SHANNON MOORE

The X Division champion sure wrestles in a lot of tag matches. Taz and Tenay were talking about the reason Doug Williams is the X Division champion is because he doesn’t wrestle like the rest of the X Division. Hmm. It was during this match that Tenay made the announcement about TNA having a special start time next week of an hour earlier. Moore is one of these guys they decided was a fan favorite, but the ‘cast members’ haven’t caught on yet. Williams did a bunch of mat wrestling while the rest of the guys did their X Division spots. Kaz and Moore hit a super kick and German Suplex combo on Kendrick. Moore ended up pinning Kendrick for the win. Really disappointed they aren’t doing more with Kendrick.

WINNERS: Kazarian & Moore at 4:30.

Star Rating: * - Short, by the numbers match with a clean finish.

-After the match, Moore went over to his makeup box and drew on Kendrick's face. Williams walked off nonchalantly.

-Eric Bischoff was shown on the phone in his office backstage. After he hung up, he called in a female assistant, and was in the process of telling her to keep Black Machismo out of his office. Too late however, and Lethal came in doing Machismo before Bischoff could finish his sentence. It’s such a good Macho Man Randy Savage impersonation. Close your eyes and you actually believe it’s Savage. I bet Hogan wishes Abyss could impersonate him that well. Imagine the push he would get then. I shudder to think. Anyway, Machismo presented a card that he booked for Impact to Bischoff featuring matches like “Koko B. Ware against Akeem The African Dream,” and “King Kong Bundy against Junkyard Dog." Bischoff didn’t know what to say. I so hope that this continues throughout the show. It’s too bad they never got around to truly explaining Jay Lethal’s character and if he’s just being goofy or actually supposed to be that delusional. Bischoff, continuing the "insider references," told Lethal he's spent too much time on the undercard and that it perhaps fried his brain.

[Q3]

-“The Pope” D'Angelo Dinero came to the ring for an interview. He hyped up the Lockdown PPV with the words “Lockdown, Lockdown, Lockdown.“ He had a funny line about he's not calling Flair "Nature Boy" anymore because he was a boy 50 years ago and now its “time to grow up.” Pope said Styles has been walking on edge with him hot on his heels with daybreak soon to come. Pope told Styles to head down to Cape Canaveral and find the most expensive astronaut suit because he's going to...take him to the outer limits at Lockdown. Pope said Styles might be champ, but he'll never be a charismatic pimp like him. The interview appeared to be over as Pope’s music hit.

-However, Chelsea (Desmond Wolfe‘s manager), came to the ring and Pope's music stopped. Pope sized her up and called her a “dime piece.” Chelsea said that in her life, she's had money, cars, and yachts, but she's always wanted to have one other dream fulfilled. To "be a ho.” Every woman‘s dream, right Russo? Pope apparently could help her with this. Chelsea got close to Pope and apparently felt an erection, as she asked if he had a gun in his pants, or was just happy to see her. This was all meant as a distraction for another Desmond Wolfe ambush attempt of course. He was shown coming through the crowd from behind Pope. Pope had eyes in the back of his head however, and saw it coming this time. He punched Wolfe out of the ring, Pope came back in the ring and forced a kiss on Chelsea. Then he dropped her like a bad habit and she laid there in the center of the ring in a daze. She was asking for it. Laughs and applause for The Pope. I guess you couldn’t have Pope get ambushed AGAIN by Wolfe. This was a changeup I suppose.

-The cut to a close-up of SAMOA JOE’S face on a grainy camera. He’s alive! He was huffing and puffing, and looking disheveled. "They have spoken…” he said as he shivered and convulsed like he was possessed. “…and the results will be very different!" And that was it. Thankfully, Taz and Tenay were there to recap this shocking return.

Taz: “Okay, so, Samoa Joe has resurfaced, but who are "they?"
Tenay: “Don’t know.”

Word for word, that was all they said. They then advertised the night's matches again.

-Suddenly, the lights went down. New theme music played. “Simply The Greatest” was being repeated over and over. A figure could be seen being lowered from the ceiling. It was Orlando Jordan with a woman’s haircut and covered in yellow police tape. He chewed some of the tape seductively, and crawled around in the ring.
A theme song was playing with Orlando Jordan own voice talking over it. It featured cheesy lines like:
“Simply The Greatest”
“I do what I want, I also say what I want to”
“The women want me, and the men want to be with me.”

Jordan crawled out onto the entrance ramp and while they showed Taz and Tenay looking dumbfounded. A curtain went up and it revealed this entire stage setup with a couch. There was a woman and a man on the couch. Jordan went over and sat down on the chair. He started to mouth something at the camera. Then they cut away from it. That’s it? They must have done some major cutting down there in post-production.
　
-Borash was backstage ready to move on from what we just saw, along with Tara who was still upset about that stupid tarantula. In the middle of the interview, Daffney ran in and they brawled all over the interview set.

[Q4]

-After a commercial break, the Tara-Daffney match was joined in progress, as they apparently were fighting all throughout the commercial break.

2 -- Knockouts champion TARA vs. DAFFNEY -- Knockouts Title match -- First blood match

I don’t know about the dynamic of two girls doing a crazy gimmick, and one is supposed to be the babyface because well, she’s the least crazy of the two. So they were brawling in the crowd, and all over the Impact Zone. I have to say, they were really beating the hell out of each other. They make some of the older guys look like they are play wrestling. Tara drug Daffney down a flight of stairs. They finally ended up in the ring, and Tara hit a Widows Peak. First blood match though, so more needed to be done. She then smashed her tarantula holder box over Daffney's head. Apparently this drew blood, and the match was over. When they showed Daffney, she had a very small cut on the top of her forehead.

WINNER: Tara at 4:00 to retain the TNA Knockouts Title.

Star Rating: *1/2 - Intense brawl.

[Q5 -- 2ND HOUR]

3 -- TNA World Hvt. champion A.J. STYLES vs. JEFF JARRETT -- non-title match

I'm not a fan of this constant non-title match approach to A.J. Styles's World title reign. Feed him some local guys and have him win with the Figure Four a few times. There was also something absurd here about Jeff Jarrett wrestling as the fan favorite against a heel A.J. Styles in 2010. He seems totally miscast, but I won’t beat a dead horse. Due to the Impact Zone crowd, however, Jarrett was universally accepted as the babyface, so this worked fine. To me personally, though, if there is anything more boring than Jeff Jarrett as a heel, it’s Jeff Jarrett as a vanilla babyface. No silly outfits, no goofy strutting, no heel bag of tricks, no exploding guitar shots to win matches. Well, there actually was some brief strutting from Jarrett, which infuriated Ric Flair who was ringside in a wheelchair, shaking his cane when he got angry. Jarrett infuriating Flair was kind of a theme of the match as Jarrett put the Figure Four Leglock on Styles and taunted Flair. Flair got to camp it up again as he ended up getting ejected from the referee, and wheeled to the back by security. Flair was waving his cane and bulging his eyes. The match went to a commercial break.

[Q6]

The match continued after the break with Styles in control of Jarrett after a Pele Kick. Styles blocked a double axehandle from the middle rope and hit an overhead suplex. Styles then went to the apron and did the springboard flying forearm. Jarrett kicked out at two. Styles then teased the Styles Clash, but Jarrett countered with a devastating looking Alabama Slam. Both were out on the mat. Flair was back on the ramp, and was yelling at the referee. Ref got bumped into from behind and knocked into Flair, who fell backward.

Back in the ring, Jarrett did a top rope “Stroke.” Jarrett went for the cover despite no referee in sight. Styles hand was busted open. You don’t see that too often. Eric Bischoff came through the crowd up with guitar in hand. He measured Jarrett, but Jarrett sensed it, and blocked it at the last moment. Jarrett took the guitar and measured Bischoff. Bischoff begs off. Stalling, stalling…then a low blow from Styles to Jarrett. Bischoff gets up and starts laughing. Styles tells him to go get the ref. Bischoff gets the ref, slaps him, and puts him in the ring. Styles gets the 1,2,3.

WINNER: Styles at 17:30.
　
Star Rating: - ** ¾, a TNA PPV-quality match, especially in length, with a bad finish.

-Borash was backstage with Hardy, RVD, and Young. They all did a good babyface promo, with Young saying that he was in wrestling for the right reasons, while The Band were in it for the wrong reasons, like money. Van Dam said that he and Hardy believed that even after you make it to the top, you still have to compete harder than ever to prove you still deserve that spot, whereas The Band thinks they can walk around like they own the place despite being past their primes. Hardy then “tagged” Van Dam and then took his turn to talk. He said something about him being the kind of guy The Band holds down when he was trying to “climb the ladder." Hardy has such a strange way of talking, though, that it was hard to follow.
　
-Backstage, Lethal caught up to Bischoff and told him he has the perfect main event for the night: Brutus the Barber Beefcake vs. The Model Rick Martel. That’s not the first time they thrown Beefcake’s name out there. Bischoff said unfortunately there's only one true main event guy in the building tonight, to which Machismo replied
Machismo: “What, you found JIMMY SNUKA!?” Bischoff couldn’t help but laugh. He told Machismo that he talking about HIM, and he was in action after the commercial break.

-After Lethal made his entrance, his OPPONENTS made their way out. It was Beer Money, Bischoff’s henchmen, or “foot soldiers,” as Taz called them.

4 -- JAY LETHAL vs. BEER MONEY -- Handicap Match

Yes, it was the Beer Money handicap match of the week. Machismo looked worried at the start. You know the story of these handicap matches by now. Beer Money dominated Lethal early. They actually got some heel heat with the fans, as the fans added “suck” after they did the “Beer Money” chant. That’s going to qualify for moderate heat in the Impact Zone. Lethal made the inevitable comeback, peppering Roode and Storm with jabs. Beer Money cut him off with a slam. After that though, Lethal caught Roode by surprise with a small package out of nowhere to get the pinfall and the victory.

WINNER: Lethal at 2:30.

-Tenay and Taz said Pope vs. Wolfe was up next, then they went to a commercial break.

[Q7]

-They showed clips of Hernandez’s injury from last week where Morgan kicked his head into a ringpost, and they feared he suffered brain trauma. They showed all the right angles, and it looked brutal. They showed some poor marks in the crowd actually crying over it. The announcers wished “Shawn” well, and said we would hear from Matt Morgan next week. Shawn Hernandez?
　
5-- DESMOND WOLFE (w/Chelsea) vs. THE POPE D'ANGELO DINERO

I feel like I’ve seen this match before. It seems to be shorter and more insignificance each time. This time, the focus was largely on Chelsea as Wolfe and Pope became distracted by her presence ringside. Wolfe worked on the injured ankle of Pope. However, Wolfe became distracted by his own manager, and Pope got control. Chelsea then got on the apron and started showed ref Earl Hebner some leg. Now Earl was distracted. Wolfe pulled out a steel chain. Pope became distracted with Hebner being distracted by Chelsea, which allowed Wolfe to blast Pope with the steel chain. Wolfe made the cover, Hebner Sr. was no longer distracted, and counted the pinfall. Is Hebner’s gimmick that he’s an awful referee? Tenay: “That win just shut down Pope’s momentum going into Lockdown.”

WINNER: Wolfe at 4:00. I have to question booking Dinero to lose when he is positioned to challenge for the world title at the pay per view.

Star Rating: *1/2 - Very forgettable. Way too much focus on Chelsea. She came out of this looking like a bigger star than Wolfe or Dinero.

[Q8]

-With the steel cage constructed around the ring, it appeared to be main event time. Before that could begin however, Kurt Angle made his way down to the ring for an interview. As Angle entered the cage and took the microphone, I thought this was simply going to be the buildup to a steel cage blow off between the two at Lockdown. TNA had other ideas before that though. Angle said he's an Olympic gold medalist who has made a living by winning and “playing by the rules.” Well, this year, at least. Angle said something about Anderson made him “lose control.” Maybe it’s that damn Dane Cook impersonation. Angle said their cage match at Lockdown would be their final match, the end of the feud, no rules, no regulations.

Mr. Anderson's music played and he walked out wearing black shirt with white letters that said “Pro Wrestling Is Real - Mr. Anderson." Anderson began his interview by complaining seemingly about how repetitive his feud with Angle has been. Even-steven, 50/50, each week. Neither can top the other. He said that if it continues, they are going to end up killing one another. Anderson was fine with having the cage match at Lockdown, but said he talked to Bischoff who said its going to be Anderson vs. Angle, next week on Impact, in a ladder match. I thought for sure it was going to be for that “Warrior Tag,” but it was more convoluted than that. Anderson explained. There will be a key above the ladder, and the key will unlock a cage door. The cage door in their match at Lockdown. What? Doesn’t the referee unlock the door for the wrestlers? Do wrestlers ever win by going out the door anyway? Just feels like a very flat stipulation.

Anderson admitted Angle is a better man than him. A better parent, role model, and all around good guy than he will ever be. “Isn’t Kurt a nice guy?” Anderson asked the crowd. "Well, nice guys always finish last…" Anderson said. "So thank God, thank God, thank God next week and at Lockdown, I'm an a--h----." Pause. "…A--h---." Tremendous interview from Anderson, but I was a little under whelmed about that “cage door key” ladder match next week. Hopefully whatever happens in the ladder match plays into the finish at Lockdown and it isn’t totally useless. I just hope it doesn’t lead to a match at Lockdown where they spend the match fighting over the key.
　
-Finally, it was main event time. Wolfpack Instrumental music hit and Angle crossed paths with Nash and the other Band members on his way to the back. Nash and Angle paused and glanced at each other, then Nash improvised and threw up a Wolfpack sign to Angle. Angle touched it, and then went to the back. I wouldn’t read anything into that. Wolfpack entered the cage. Hall’s done a good job getting himself into presentable ring shape in such short time. Impact went to a commercial before the other sides entrance.

[Q9/Over-Run]

-As if he isn’t dull enough, Young came out in black boots and trunks. If there was ever a guy that could use some color in his attire, it‘s Eric Young. When Young charged the cage, The Band pushed open the cage door and blasted him with it, sending him off the ramp. To make matters worse for Young, he then got locked out of the cage while he was on the outside recovering.

6 -- JEFF HARDY & ROB VAN DAM & ERIC YOUNG vs. THE BAND (KEVIN NASH & SCOTT HALL & SEAN WALTMAN) -- Steel Cage matcj

Hall and Nash can’t rely on Waltman in the ring as much as they used to because the fact is that he isn’t a spring chicken either anymore. Though this match was a tornado style match, they still tried to rely on him as much as they can, mostly staying in the corners and not doing anything too crazy. They can still rely on him to do the job though. Hall had “Kliq” on the back of his trunks. I can’t blame him for repping it, it’s 2010, and the main event/endings of both promotions respective shows featured every single member of the Kliq in some form of fashion. I found that fascinating. I guess they are still the most powerful group in pro wrestling. Van Dam and Hardy held their own against them though, despite the 3 on 2 disadvantage. RVD hit his Rolling Thunder on Waltman, and Hardy followed up by hitting his split-leg dropkick on him. I’m telling you, there is potential in these guys as a tag team if TNA ever decides to give the tag division a real push, which is unlikely.

Several minutes had gone by before Eric Young attempted to climb the cage and get in that way. He was bleeding. Waltman climbed up to knock Young off the cage, but RVD climbed up and pulled Waltman off the cage and down to the mat. RVD and Hardy then went to opposite corners. Van Dam and Hardy hit their finishers on Nash and Hall. Young then paused atop the cage, looking as if he were about to jump. Waltman was prone. Young leaned over and just let himself drop off the cage with an elbow drop. It still seemed like a long way, but Young didn’t seem exactly death defying or anything. Young covered Waltman, and got the three count for the win.

WINNERS: Hardy & Van Dam & Young at 4:30.
　
Star Rating: *1/2 - Basic match with a pretty cool finish. Watching the tentative Eric Young jump off that cage, I figured that Hardy and Van Dam aren’t ready to do any of their “big dives” yet. Save it for PPV I guess.

-The cut backstage to Abyss for a brief spazzy promo. He said that as captain of Team Hogan, he will do “everything and anything, by any means necessary to ensure the total annihilation of Team Flair” and its captain, Sting. I still don’t believe they have mentioned whether or not Hogan and Flair will be wrestling in this match. Abyss said he watched Impact tonight, and made his selection for the second member of Team Hogan. He said the other chosen warriors of Team Hogan must be hungry. Cue The Nasty Boys. No just kidding. Jeff Jarrett then walked into view of the camera, and I guess that was a reveal that Jarrett is a member. The way they shot it didn’t make it seem that way. Anyway, Abyss said nothing, but Jarrett said his feud with Bischoff is “just beginning“ (great...), but he's proud to be apart of Team Hogan. He said he's going to start getting involved in Flair's matches. He closed by saying that on he's taking out all of his frustration in St. Louis at Lockdown.

-We were taken back to ringside where the celebration was still going on. Impact went off the air with Young, RVD, and Hardy slapping hands and celebrating with the fans, while Tenay posed the question of who Flair will pick to be on his team at Lockdown.
　
POST-SHOW THOUGHTS

-Not so many outrageous things happened this week, but they didn’t need to. A ton happened on the March 22 edition of Impact, and this one did a good job following up on a lot of those things. I’m not going to encourage Crash-TV style booking by saying a show that stayed within itself was “boring” or “uneventful.”

-Say what you want about The Band being too old and past their primes in the ring, but least they aren’t miscast and going over guys like Van Dam or Hardy.

-The whole Orlando Jones Re-debut turned out to be much ado about nothing. It got a lot of attention after the reports came in from the tapings, but whatever else it was that happened after he made his entrance wasn’t shown, so it ended up being extremely pointless.

-Apart from the opening, there was no Hogan on the show and I don’t think it suffered whatsoever from it. Hogan will be back next week and no doubt the tension between he and Bischoff will rise and be a main focus of the show, so it was good to have a break from him for a week.
　
WHAT WORKED

-For the first time this year, I thought more worked than didn’t work, so that is a good sign. Not everything deserves mentioning, but I think a lot was done right. You can always debate what any promotion should do, but the least you can ask for is for them to do what they choose to present right.

-Anderson/Angle Interviews - I find Angle a bit bland as a babyface, but his interview was what it needed to be. Anderson on the other hand really blew me away for a consecutive week. I feel like his persona is beginning to get genuine heat with the Impact Zone crowd, which is always an accomplishment.

- Usage of Jay Lethal as ‘Black Machismo’ - I thought this gimmick was dead in the water after that ‘Legends Challenge’ garbage, but I thought Machismo was a crack-up all night. The fact that he got a win in the weekly Beer Money handicap match could mean they have plans for him.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK

-Samoa Joe’s reappearance - I warned everyone not to get their hopes up. Joe made his return in a cryptic 30 second pre-taped interview that explained absolutely nothing and from the brief bit we saw of Joe breathing heavy and huffing and puffing, it looks like its going to be more of the same failed persona they tried with him for the past few years.

-Orlando Jordan’s Re-debut - Much ado about nothing in the end. This had the making of something memorably absurd, but it didn’t even get to be that, as they seemed to cut away from this before it got started and never mentioned it again. It was bizarre only in the sense that it began, and then never really concluded or got followed up on.
　
Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback on last weeks Impact Report, both here on the website, and through email. It got posted late due to some technical difficulties that have since been remedied. As always, let me know what you thought below, or send it to nick.dachino@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading.

[Torch art credit Joe Borzotta (c) PWTorch.com]

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