WWE Raw Live Report
April 19, 2009
Live in East Rutherford, N.J.
Aired on USA Network
Report by James Caldwell, Torch assistant editor

This most unusual WWE Raw with the Raw brand grounded in the U.K. opened with a live shot of the crowd and Triple H's music. We heard Michael Cole's voice to welcome us to the show as Hunter walked out on stage sporting his wrestling gear and a hat. Look who's back...Lilian Garcia. Lilian, who lives in the area, introduced Hunter without missing a beat. Cole and Jerry Lawler talked up Hunter vs. Sheamus at the Extreme Rules PPV. No mentions thus far of the Raw brand still overseas.

In-ring: Hunter waited out the cheers from the crowd and opened by telling the audience not to suck up to him just because he's the only one here. Hunter recapped the news with a giant volcano erupting overseas keeping the Raw roster in Europe. Hunter turned it into a Big Show fart joke. "I can say that because he's not here tonight," Hunter said. Hunter said the audience must be thinking, "great, now Triple H has to work a two-hour Iron Man match with Frank the audio guy." He said that won't be happening, as he wasn't on the tour in Europe and the WWE brass has been working hard to produce a show of the highest standard. Hunter was totally filling time here with a monologue. Hunter said he will be there Sunday at the PPV to wrestle Sheamus in a Street Fight. He said if that "pasty-faced tea bag" makes it back from Europe, he'll beat him any color but white. Hunter referenced Sheamus bashing Kofi Kingston with a TV monitor last week and he's ready to deal out a fierce beating on Sunday.

Suddenly, C.M. Punk's music interrupted and out came Punk, Luke Gallows, and Serena. As the Straight Edge Society slowly walked out, Cole said the Smackdown stars are ready to seize an opportunity to "steal the spotlight" tonight. The SES eventually entered the ring and Punk began his promo by saying the Smackdown crew had the intestinal fortitude to make it through the volcanic ash and arrive on friendly shores. Unfortunately for himself, he happens to be in New Jersey. Cheap heat. Punk had two words: Jersey sucks. They're really filling time going the cheap heat route.

Punk said this time next week, he might not be part of Smackdown because he could be drafted next week. Punk said if he's drafted to Raw, he's bringing the SES with him. Hunter sarcastically asked if he's really bringing the entire SES. "There's only two, right?" Hunter asked before asking Punk why he doesn't shave his head like the other two. Punk shot back with a hair joke on Shawn Michaels. He said his hair is pure because no foreign chemicals have ever touched his hair. Hunter cleared his throat and made a hygiene joke. They paused and talked off camera before Hunter said Punk had a hair match with Rey Mysterio on Sunday, so even if he's going to be drafted next week, he'll be the president of the hair club, but also a client. Punk mocked Hunter for thinking Rey is going to beat him. He said Sunday night at Extreme Rules, he's going to crush Mysterio's spirit.

[Q2] Punk then told Hunter he could do some good by falling in line and joining SES to influence some people to live better lives. Hunter said he's tired of Punk preaching his restrictions, so Hunter went to the ring shouting about "freedom" while taking the concept completely out of context trying to present a relativism argument. He surveyed some folks in the crowd and showed Lilian Garcia ringside making a cameo return. He then entered the ring and vowed to kick Punk's tail. Punk teased backing off, saying his mission was just to get Hunter to join the SES and shave his head. Now, he'll have to force him. Luke then jumped Hunter from behind and the SES tried a beating, but Hunter fought them off. Punk then hit a kick to the head and the SES tried to shave Hunter's head, but Rey Mysterio made the save. Rey and Hunter cleared the ring except for Punk, who was trapped. They eventually tied down Punk to get a lock of his hair shaved off before Punk ran away out of the ring. Rey then held up the hair as a trophy before their match on Sunday. JC: Long, long opening segment that really dragged with Hunter's re-fried material trying to fill time on the show. Punk was solid, but the dependence on cheap heat was eye-rolling. Good overall build-up for Punk vs. Rey, but Hunter seemed to be half-awake during this segment attempting to sell his match vs. Sheamus on Sunday.

[Commercial Break]

In-ring: Already in the ring back from break were Matt Hardy and IC champ Drew McIntyre. Cole and Lawler said they would hear from WWE champ John Cena after this match.

1 -- IC champion DREW MCINTYRE vs. MATT HARDY -- non-title match

After a back and forth, McIntyre hit a kick to the head for the win after working over Hardy's head for most of the match.

WINNER: McIntyre at 3:05. Forgettable match, unfortunately. The match was just thrown out there with no back-story to the Raw audience. (*)

Announcers: Cole and Lawler were shown on-camera to talk about the volcanic explosion affecting air travel and keeping the talent stranded in Belfast, N. Ireland. They cut to a satellite shot of Cena playing the spokesman role saying they are apologetic not to be able to make it to Raw tonight. Cole asked Cena about his match against Batista on Sunday. Cena entered promo mode that he will make swim across the ocean if he has to in order to make Extreme Rules on Sunday. Cena said the champ will be there on Sunday.

[Commercial Break]

[Q3]

In-ring: Kozlov was already in the ring back from break. Kozlov introduced himself and said he has been treated improperly. "You, King, read my statement," he said after pointing to Lawler. Lawler then entered the ring to read some notes on a piece of paper. Lawler read Kozlov's thoughts that the Americans are spoiled and physically inferior. Worst of all, the audience is from a state devoid of integrity. It looked like Kimbo Slice was on the front row. Lawler read Kozlov's last statement that he can't wait for his Russian businessman friend to buy the Nets and move the team out of Jersey. The audience grew tired of this. Kozlov then demanded proper competition.

MacGruber's music interrupted and out came Will Forte and Kristen Wiig in-character wielding U.S. flags. Forte told Wiig to read a statement. She said Mr. McMahon has ordered a super-power main event tonight: C.M. Punk & Luke Gallows & Chris Jericho vs. Triple H & Rey Mysterio & Edge. She sold fear over Kozlov during this. MacGruber then shouted at Kozlov that no one rips on the state of New Jersey. He said great Americans like Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blart Mall Cop, and Snookie are from here. MacGruber said Kozlov is a giant pile of suck. He then made a "yo momma" joke and Wiig tried to play good cop talking down Kozlov.

MacGruber then told Kozlov his opponent tonight is a strong dose of...the Truth. Out came R-Truth and Forte danced along in character as MacGruber. Truth's music stopped and MacGruber told Kozlov that he'll blow up the whole place if Kozlov tries to run. Suddenly, explosives went off on stage and the only thing left were Truth's shoes. MacGruber sold that wasn't supposed to happen. He then tried to stammer out an apology to Kozlov, who said he's going to destroy him later tonight. Poor Cole tried to make sense of this, where we'll apparently see MacGruber vs. Kozlov later tonight. JC: Forte is a great actor and plays the role so well, but this was appropriately a "giant pile of suck" that dragged forever. The poor Raw writers having to re-write this show aren't having a good night.

Up next: Randy Orton promo from Belfast. We're 45 minutes in and there's been one three-minute match.

[Q4]

[Commercial Break]

MacGruber video: They did one of those classic MacGruber videos talking about MacGruber not being a very good wrestler.

Backstage: MacGruber was trying to bail though the exit door, but Triple H caught up to him and asked what he was doing. Hunter then drew attention to MacGruber having a little accident. The camera zoomed in to show a pee stain. MacGruber said it's just water. Hunter said it smells like something else. MacGruber said they're not his pants either. See, see, someone else peed his pants and he agreed to switch pants until they tried. Hunter recapped and MacGruber said that's exactly what it is. Kane then walked in and MacGruber said he's the guy. Hunter told Kane what MacGruber told him about peeing his pants. "Whatcha talking about?" Kane said. MacGruber then ran off and Hunter and Kane smelled something else. They hinted it was a giant turd, which was appropriate for this segment.

Announcers: Cole and Lawler shot looks trying to acknowledge how dumb that was without actually saying it. They broke down the Extreme Rules PPV, then sent it to satellite footage of Randy Orton in Belfast. Orton cut a promo on his Extreme Rules opponent, Jack Swagger. Orton also said whichever brand he ends up on after the Draft is where the World Title will be.

Backstage: Jack Swagger was shown walking around with a serious look on his face with the Big Gold Belt around his waist. Swagger looks so money with the revised heel persona. Are we getting a wrestling match after the break? It's worth noting no mention of The Undertaker advertised for the show thus far.

[Commercial Break]

In-ring: Lilian Garcia stood in-ring to introduce World Hvt. champion Jack Swagger coming up against the top of the hour. Swagger said talk is cheap with Orton 3,000 miles away. He said he wants to prove something to Orton in time for Extreme Rules. Swagger issued an open challenge right now and asked for a ref right now. Swagger said no one his style or his credentials. Certainly, no one has been World Hvt. champion like him. Swagger waved for someone to come down and face him. After a pause, no one came out. Swagger then proceeded to leave the ring and on cue...there was Undertaker's bell tolling. Swagger quietly closed his eyes and stood motionless on the ring apron as Taker slowly made his way out to the ring. Taker had a slightly different look with the hooded ring jacket and no Deadman hat.

[Q5 -- second hour] At the top of the second hour, Taker pulled back his hood and rolled his eyes. Swagger was on the floor during this. Taker started pacing the ring, then Swagger re-entered the ring to accept the open challenge.

2 -- World Hvt. champion JACK SWAGGER vs. THE UNDERTAKER -- non-title match

Swagger paced around the ring before locking up with Taker, who dominated as the fans chanted, "Under-Taker." Taker landed the old-school sledgehammer out of the corner before the action moved to the floor. Taker rammed Swagger head-first into the ring steps and Swagger did a cartoonish wobbly-head facial reaction. He just needed the birdies floating over his head. Taker then tried to whip Swagger into the steps, but Swagger reversed and Taker ate the steps knees-first. Back in the ring, Swagger went to work on Taker's knees. Taker then took control again and landed a leg drop across the ring apron before going to work on Swagger's neck. Taker continued to work over Swagger as they cut to break.

[Commercial Break]

Back from break, Swagger was in control. Swagger worked over Taker trying his amateur holds to wear down Taker. Both men then came to their feet at 12:30 and started trading bombs trying to involve the crowd in the bout. Taker then caught Swagger off the ropes and landed a DDT center ring, but Swagger kicked out at two. Taker then hit Snake Eyes into a big boot before dropping a leg. Hogan...er...Taker made a cover, but scored a two count only. Taker then teased a chokeslam, but Swagger elbowed out. He went off the ropes, but Taker hit a big boot that grounded Swagger. Both men were winded here. Swagger suddenly floated over Taker off the ropes and landed an awkward DDT for a close two count.

[Q6] Swagger measured Taker for a running Vader Bomb, but Taker lifted up his hand to grab Swagger by around the throat. Taker hit a chokeslam, then called for the end. Taker wanted the Tombstone Piledriver and he connected center ring. Taker made the cover and that was all she wrote. Taker looked absolutely exhausted collecting himself in the corner post-match. Swagger disappeared and Taker did his pose with the dark lighting as Cole posed the question of whether Taker will be drafted to Raw next week.

WINNER: Taker at 15:48. The match never really moved out of second gear and was one of those big-man battles that dragged until the finish. All that said, you can't fault anyone here. Swagger was coming off the European Tour headaches and Taker hasn't been in the ring since WrestleMania. It was a tough spot for both men to be in. The match was designed to solidify Swagger as a legit wrestler on Taker's level, but it didn't exactly position Swagger as a strong champion heading to the PPV on Sunday. Usually, you don't want your World champ flat on his back for a decisive three count leading into a PPV. (*3/4)

Still to come: Rey & Triple H & Edge vs. Jericho & Punk & Luke. The only non-World champ there is Luke.

[Commercial Break]

Announcers: Cole and Lawler talked on-camera about the MacGruber movie. Roll footage. They showed clips from the movie, including a clip of Val Kilmer's heel character wanting to turn D.C. into a pile of ash. Wrong week for that. The video included cameos from Khali, MVP, Big Show, Kane, Mark Henry, and Chris Jericho. Jericho's speaking part was included.

Backstage: Jericho addressed SES in the hallway. Best comedy of the night was Punk sporting a giant towel over his head as if he just got out of the salon. Jericho told SES to listen to him tonight. Jericho then approached MacGruber and Wiig further down the hallway. Jericho did a "MacGruber" video plugging a make-believe sequel. Jericho started to hit on Wiig while MacGruber tried to talk strategy about his match with Kozlov. Jericho gave the witless MacGruber a strategy that was sure to fail, but gullible MacGruber took it and ran off excited for the match.

[Commercial Break]

[Q7]

In-ring: Kozlov was already in the ring after the break. MacGruber then came out with Wiig - Vickie St. Elmo. MacGruber had a zombie-like walk to the ring selling fear of the contest with Kozlov. Before the bell sounded, Kozlov and MacGruber had a stare-down within inches of each other. MacGruber tried to extend a hand, then he slapped Kozlov across the face. Kozlov did a cartoon reaction here and the bell sounded.

3 -- MACGRUBER (w/Vicki St. Elmo) vs. KOZLOV

With MacGruber in danger, out walked Ryan Phillippe to zero reaction. Ryan, the third guest-host, said he pulled some strings and compromised himself to get MacGruber's half-brother on the show in a handicap match. Cue up a video package on...Khaligruber. Khali then hit the ring sporting a giant Tina Turner-wig, blue jeans, an Abyss vest, and big shoes. He hit the ring and the match re-started.

3b -- MACGRUBER (w/Vickie St. Elmo) & GREAT KHALI vs. KOZLOV -- handicap match

MacGruber positioned himself on the floor to watch as Khali dominated Kozlov. After some match action, Khali and Kozlov started fighting up the entranceramp as the ref applied a ten count. A ten count was reached and because MacGruber was in the ring, his team was somehow declared the winner. I'm not even going to try to explain the tag situation after they made a joke of professional wrestling with this. Post-match: MacGruber tried to get a cheap pop putting over America as the best country in the world. Forte put over the movie opening on May 21 before pyro suddenly shot off. Kane? No, MacGruber graphic. Cut to commercial.

WINNERS: Khali & MacGruber. It's a good thing WWE is offering refunds to the fans in New Jersey. These poor souls have been treated to an embarrassing show. (n/a)

[Commercial Break]

Raw Draft plug: They're going to try three hours of this next week for the annual Draft show.

Announcers: Back from break, Cole and Lawler fed to a video package on the Cena vs. Batista feud going back to WrestleMania to hype the Extreme Rules PPV. How can anyone take WWE seriously as they try to sell the audience on a $45 PPV with the show they've presented tonight? They cut back to the announcers hyping the rest of the line-up. A graphic for the steel cage match aired. Lawler: "It's Edge and Christian!" Cole: "it's Edge and Chris...Jericho."

[Q8]

In-ring: Triple H came out for the main event six-man tag. Suddenly, there was a voice coming from somewhere in the building. Sheamus finally appeared on the video screen sporting a tie over a vest. He told that "fella" Triple H that he's going to tell him...no...he's going to show him what kind of damage he's going to do at Extreme Rules. Sheamus started looking around the set before KO'ing a stagehand. A rather plump man tried to get in Sheamus's way, but Sheamus ran him off. They cut back to Hunter live in the ring and Hunter appeared to be half-asleep and completely unaffected by Sheamus's "demonstration." They suddenly cut to break.

[Commercial Break]

In-ring: Hunter was pacing around the ring back from break, then Edge's music hit. Edge limped out on stage selling the ankle damage by Chris Jericho on Smackdown. Cue up a video package documenting the ankle work. Rey Mysterio then came out as the third babyface in the match. He did his ring entrance, then slapped hands with Edge and Hunter in the ring. Cue up Punk's music to bring out Punk and the SES. Punk wasted no time storming the ring before Chris Jericho's music hit to bring out Jericho.

4 -- TRIPLE H & REY MYSTERIO & EDGE vs. STRAIGHT EDGE SOCIETY (C.M. PUNK & LUKE GALLOWS w/Serena) & CHRIS JERICHO

The bell sounded and Jericho started things off against Mysterio. Rey set up an early 619 attempt, but Jericho bailed to the outside. Heels started flying out of the ring, then Edge shot Rey off the ropes and Hunter launched Rey over the top rope with a splash on SES & Jericho. Cut to another break.

[Commercial Break]

Back from break, Punk was working over Rey, who accepted a face-first smash into the top turnbuckle. Luke the entered the match and went to work on Rey. Lawler did a good job creating a visual for what it would look like on the PPV to watch Punk have his head shaved. Simple, effective storytelling trying to create a reason for viewers to order the PPV.

[Q9 -- over-run] Rey made a comeback on Jericho and teased a hot tag, which brought in Edge. Luke entered as well and Edge set up for a spear, which excited the crowd. Serena then distracted the ref, which allowed the heels to take out Edge and wrap his ankle around the ringpost. Things settled down again and Jericho began slowly walking around the ring with his fist raised in the air drawing heat. So great. Jericho continued the attack on Edge before tagging in Punk, who continued to work Edge's ankle. Punk then lost control and that brought in Hunter, who cleaned house. Hunter then teased the Pedigree on Punk, but Luke cut him off with a clothesline. The action completely broke down before Edge dropped Punk across the middle rope to set up Rey for the 619. Punk then spun around into Hunter, who smashed Punk with the Pedigree center ring. Three count and the win for Hunter.

Post-match: Hunter gathered the troops to get a curtain call before they replayed the finish. Cole plugged the Draft next week. Cole: "I hope we don't lose John Cena!" What would Cole do? They closed with Hunter posing in the ring as Cole plugged Extreme Rules to close the show.

WINNERS: Team Hunter at 11:01. Good six-man tag match reminiscent of when Raw delivered great six-man tag main events in the mid-2000s featuring the likes of Chris Benoit, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels. The finish with the babyfaces going over clean was the right booking. They needed to close an off-night with a "feel good moment" to "send the audience home happy" and perhaps happy enough to spend money on a PPV. Without the key players from Raw in the flesh, though, it was still a tough sell for Sunday.

OVERALL THOUGHTS: Rough night for Raw. The show was a mess until they simplified things in the main event, but it's hard to fault WWE considering everything they were up against and the wrestlers were coming off a two-week European Tour with the worst travel headaches imaginable.

We welcome your 0-10 score and comments on this show for a "Raw Reax" feature in the Torch Feedback section of PWTorch.com. To contribute your thoughts on Raw, email to pwtorch@gmail.com using our Feedback form.

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