KELLER'S WWE RAW REPORT
APRIL 20, 2010
LIVE FROM EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.

[Q1]

-The show opened with Triple H's ring intro as Michael Cole set the stage, saying "the spotlight shines bright on one of the biggest stars in sports entertainment history." Jerry Lawler touted that over 15,000 fans were standing for The Game. Either they were really proud of the attendance in general or wanted to draw a contrast to the Impact Zone. Cole and Lawler talked about Triple H facing Sheamus at Extreme Rules in a Street Fight. That was a long ring intro. Then Triple H soaked up chants of his name. He said with a smile, "Okay, okay, don't suck up to me because you know I'm the only guy here." Funny opening line.

He said in case fans have been living in a cage, a giant volcano erupted in Europe twice and it freaked out the world. He said the world went nuts, but it's not a big deal to people in WWE. "We're used to giant gaseous eruptions, it just usually involved Big Show and Mexican food. I can say that because he's not here tonight." He said the volcano erupted and the "entire Raw roster" (not counting him) is stuck in Europe. "Now, I have to watch Triple H wrestle a two hour iron man match with Frank the Audio guy, but that's not going to happen because while fortunately I wasn't on this tour of Europe and I made it here tonight, and nobody else did make it, but the WWE brass, so to speak, they have been working feverishly to assure you have a show of the highest standards." This is now going on way too long.

He said he is not only there tonight, but he'll be at Extreme Rules to face Sheamus. "If that pasty-faced tea-bag makes it back here by then, I'll beat him until he's any color but white," he said. He said if Sheamus thinks he's a bad dude, then he's deadly. He said he's in for a rude awakening. C.M. Punk's music interrupted. Cole said rumors were circulating all day that Smackdown Superstars were going to try to steal the Raw spotlight. He said it's no surprise Punk is the first.

Punk said, "I've got two words for you. Jersey sucks." He said by next week he might no longer be part of the Smackdown crew." He said the draft is next week, and if he's going to be part of Raw, he wants Triple H and the world to know he's bringing the Straight Edge Society with him. Triple H in quizatively asked, "By the entire Straight Edge Society, do you mean both of them?" He asked why they have to shave their heads, but not them. He said Punk has a chest sweater growing. He asked if Sarina has to shave her chest. The crowd laughed. Punk said, "Oh, you have jokes? I guess the reason I didn't have to shave my head is the same reason Shawn Michaels was bald and you weren't. Because I'm the leader." Punk explained that his hair is pure because no foreign chemicals or substances have ever touched his hair. "By foreign chemicals, you mean shampoo and soap, right?" Triple H asked. He said if he loses to Rey, he won't be just the President of the Hair Club for Men, he'll also be a client. This is where Triple H really dates himself as being fortysomething. He says super-tired and dated lines like that as if he's being the most clever man in the room. How about a "Squeeze the Charmin" joke next? At least that would be so old it'd be nostalgic.

Punk said Triple H is wrong to think Rey Mysterio can beat him. He said everyone will realize on Sunday, including Rey, that Straight Edge is the most powerful force on the planet. He said Rey will realize this and fall in line, and then the people will follow. Punk told Hunter to let Straight Edge into his life. He said he could set an example for the people. The crowd chanted, "You suck! You suck!" Triple H's stand-up routine continued as he went into a bit about fans being able to do what they want because it's a free country. He made fun of a guy in a sports jersey for being free to drink a keg of beer. He made fun of two guys in the front row by saying they can celebrate their union and adopt a kid. (Why is that funny? What if he went up to a man and a woman and said they're free to go celebrate their marriage and then have a kid? Would that have been funny to "presume" they were a couple and they might want a kid? He's still such a prick in the targets he chooses to make fun of. There are kids out there who are raised by two same-gender parents, and as a PG-rated TV hero on a program aimed at kids, Triple H is giving other little kids permission to make fun of them for being part of some hilarious freak-family.) He then pointed out Lilian Garcia can come back to WWE for one night and horse around. (See, he's bring a prick again there. Get it? She has a horse face? This is all displaced insecurity over his looks and wanting to be sharp-witted enough to fend off people making fun of him, but he's been around forty years. It's time to grow up and change the targets of his humor to those who deserve it.)

[Q2]

He returned to the ring and got in Punk's face. Punk said he doesn't want to be here. He said, "Raw is stuck in Europe, and I'm stuck here in New Jersey, okay?" He said he thought he might be able to talk Triple H into joining the SES and shaving his head, but apparently not. (Imagine how mean Triple H would be if he were losing his hair? Would it be possible to be more bitter and more of a prick than he already is?) Punk, Serina, and Luke Gallows attacked Triple H. Punk shouted, "You got more jokes?" as he beat him. Gallows held Triple H and put him in a chair as Serina brought clippers into the ring. Rey Mysterio charged to the ring. His surprise save was ruined by his music being played. He helped Triple H fend off Gallows and Serina, then they trapped Punk in center-ring. Rey held up the clippers as Triple H held him. Rey shaved off a lock of Punk's hair before Gallows could save Punk. Punk got bug-eyed and retreated up the stage.

-Cole plugged the cast of "MacGrubber" would be guest G.M.s. (Will Forte and Kristen Wiig). Lawler plugged that they'd hear from John Cena next. [c]

1 -- DREW MCINTRYE vs. MATT HARDY

Lawler said Cena's interview would take place right after this match. Cole plugged the draft, calling it "an annual rite of spring." Yeah, except the years when it hasn't taken place in the spring. Their heads collided at 2:00. McIntrye followed up by yanking Hardy off the second rope and scoring the pin.

WINNER: McIntrye in 2:00.

-Lawler and Cole interviewed John Cena via satellite from Belfast, Ireland. Cena said flights have been grounded for about a week. He said they're very well taken care of. He sent word out to WWE families. He said they're safe, but apologetic they can't be at Raw tonight. Cole asked him about his scheduled match against Batista. Cena said he'll swim across the Atlantic Ocean if he has to in order to face Batista. What if Batista doesn't also swim across the ocean? How ironic would it be if Cena swam across the ocean to face Batista, but Batista was still in Ireland?

[Q3] [c]

-Jerry Lawler stood in the ring with Vladimir Kozlov, Kozlov wanted Lawler to read his statement. His statement said he is upset with being overlooked by guest G.M.s. He said he is an elite athlete who deserves elite competition. "You are all spoiled, ignorant Americans," Lawler read. "You are physically inferior, therefore you are weak. Worst of all, you are from a state devoid of class or integrity, the single most depressing place on Earth, New Jersey." The cast of "MacGruber" came out.

They read a statement saying Mr. McMahon has booked Triple H & Rey Mysterio & Edge vs. C.M. Punk & Luke Gallows & Chris Jericho. MacGruber then scolded Kozlov for ripping on the state of New Jersey. He said some of the greatest Americans are from New Jersey. He brought up Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blart Mall Cop, and Snooki and the Situation from "Jersey Shore." He said Vladimir is not treated fairly because, "what's Russian for giant pile of suck." Vladimir said if he insults him one more time, he will end him.

MacGruber said he won't say another bad word about him, "but your mothe-, that's another story." He said based on how he turned out, the single most dark cobweb infested depressing place on Earth isn't New Jersey, it's his mom's uterus. MacGruber's sidekick said he's not speaking for her and she's sure his mother's uterus is awesome. Vladimir said he will destroy him later tonight. MacGruber said he already has an opponent scheduled, R-Truth. Truth danced his way to the ring. MacGruber made fun of Truth's ridiculous dancing, then turned to Vlad to gloat about the match he made. "You got nowhere to run," he said. He claimed he hid explosives everywhere and he'd detonate them if Vlad tried to run like a Russian school girl. The stage exploded and all that remained were R-Truth's boots. "It's not good," said MacGruber's assistant. Vlad said he would seem him later tonight and he would destroy him. It's nice of Vlad to patiently wait until later.

-Lawler plugged a promo from Randy Orton next. [c]

[Q4]

-The MacGruber jingle aired. Triple H discovered him trying to escape the building. Triple H noted that his pants were wet from the crotch down his leg. He claimed he spilled water. Triple H said it smelled like something else. "I will admit it's something else, but they're not his pants," he said. He said he has a friend who is very nervous about him getting hurt in his fight, so being a good friend, he switched pants with him and help dry out his pants. Kane walked into the room. MacGruber said that's his nervous friend. Triple H told Kane what MacGruber said about Kane peeing his pants. MacGruber said: "I've got to go. U.S.A.!" Kane sniffed and said, "I don't think that's the only thing he did in his pants." I miss the SNL writing team. Really really lousy humor.

-They went to Cole and Lawler at ringside. They hyped the Extreme Rules line-up. A short Orton promo aired... They showed Jack Swagger heading toward the entrance tunnel... [c]

-Lilian Garcia introduced Jack Swagger, referring to him as "the All-American American." Swagger, who's a cross between Chris Jericho and Brock Lesnar, walked to the ring with a serious look on his face. He said words are cheap when you're thousands of miles away. He issued an open challenge. A referee ran to the ring. He said no monster is going to walk through the curtain and destroy him like often happens when someone issues an open challenge. He invited anyone in the locker room to try to go toe-to-toe with the All-American American. After a pause of 15 seconds, it looked bleak. "That's what I thought," Swagger said. He began to leave the ring, but the Undertaker's bell sounded. The lights went dark and purple. Swagger blinked nervously. Lawler said Swagger might be doing the same thing MacGruber did earlier. TNA's RVD vs. Styles main event went against a Swagger promo. Should be interesting.

[Q5]

2 -- JACK SWAGGER vs. UNDERTAKER

At 1:00 Taker did the top rope walk and came down with a forearm onto the back of Swagger's neck. Taker methodically, in a time-filling manner, beat down Swagger for five minutes. After a guillotine legdrop off the ring apron, they cut to a break. [c] Swagger had Taker on the mat after the break with a leglock.

[Q6]

Taker made a comeback at 13:00. He gave him a snake eyes, a bit boot, and a legdrop for a near fall. Swagger teased a comeback, but Taker nailed him with a big boot as he charged at him. Taker followed with a swing into the ropes, but Swagger countered with a DDT for a near fall. Lawler said if Swagger pulled off this win, he was changing his prediction for Sunday's title defense. Taker caught Swagger in a swing splash by grabbing his throat and chokeslamming him. Taker did the throat slice gesture, then gave Swagger a Tombstone for the win. Cole wondered if Taker could be a regular on Raw after the draft next week.

WINNER: Undertaker in 16:00.

STAR RATING: **1/2 -- Nothing great, but not bad. That's two high-profile losses by Swagger on Raw recently, to both Taker and Orton. It's tough to get over as a legit champion when you win the way he won it and lose the way he's losing on TV. I also am realizing how good Lilian Garcia was at her job as it's great to have her voice back doing the match announcements.

-Cole plugged the six-man tag team main event. [c]

-Punk wore a towel on his head, he was so embarrassed by having a lock of hair trimmed short. Jericho gave the SES a pep talk. He told them to listen to him and stay in line and nothing bad would happen to them again. Jericho then happened upon MacGruber and his sidekick. Jericho said his part in "MacGruber" is getting such great reviews, they're talking Oscar and a sequel with him in the starring role. He sang his own theme some with "Jer-ee-co!" in place of "Mac-Gru-Ber." Jericho advised MacGruber to offer a handshake to Vlad. He said then he can throw him off his game and smack him and turn his tongue to gel and rip out of his throat. MacGruber said he's so lucky to have a friend like him. They hugged. [c]

[Q7]

-A clip aired from earlier of MacGruber and Vladimir, plus R-Truth being blown up. No update on Truth's condition. WWE allots themselves one slapstick skit per show where there's no regard for reality or follow-up and we're all supposed to just be okay with it, but yet really care about everything else on the show and be totally engrossed and drawn into it.

3 -- VLADIMIR KOZLOV vs. "MAGRUBER" (w/"Vicki St. Elmo") & KHALUBER

MacGruber shook hands with Kozlov, then slapped him. Vlad grabbed MacGruber and headbutted his shoulder a few times. MacGruber began to sink to the mat. Vlad lifted MacGruber. Ryan Phillippe walked out and apologized for being late. He told them to stop the match. He said he got the match changed to a handicapped match. He said he did some things he's not proud of to get the match changed. He introduced Khaluber, his "half-brother." Out came Great Khali to face Kane instead. Khali walked out wearing a MacGruber wig. Kozlov went for a single-leg takedown on Khali, but Khali didn't budge. Vlad retreated to the back after a brief beatdown. Khali followed. That meant MacGruber won by countout, apparently. That made no sense since Khaluber was also counted out.

WINNER: MacGruber in 2:00.

-MacGruber, Elmo, and Lt. Dixon Piper (Phillipe) stood in the ring and cut a post-match promo. MacGruber said you don't mess with the United States of America because he will keep the country safe. [c]

-A video package aired on the Cena-Batista feud.

[Q8]

-Cole and Lawler hyped the line-up for Extreme Rules.

-Triple H's ring intro took place. Sheamus interrupted him on the big screen. He said it's unfortunate he couldn't join the rest of the Raw crew overseas. He said he wanted to show him how serious he is about beating him up at Extreme Rules. He attacked a member of the production crew at the satellite facility. [c]

4 -- TRIPLE H & EDGE & REY MYSTERIO vs. CHRIS JERICHO & C.M. PUNK & LUKE GALLOS

The babyface trio knocked the heels to ringside early, including Rey ducking a charging Punk. Then Edge whipped Rey into Triple H who launched Rey onto all three at ringside. They cut to an early break. [c] Jericho and Rey each hot-tagged Gallos and Edge at 5:00.

[Q9]

Edge set up a spear. Sarina distracted the ref and Jericho interfered against Edge, going after his ankle. Triple H went after Jericho. Jericho threw Edge back into the ring. Gallos tagged in Punk. Punk stomped on Edge's ankle. Triple got the hot tag against Punk at 9:00 and quickly got a two count after a high knee. Punk caught Triple H charging with a boot to the face. Triple H hit a spinebuster, but as he set up a Pedigree, Gallos interfered with a clothesline. Rey went after Gallos, Jericho went after Rey. Edge knocked Jericho to the floor. Edge then set up Punk for a 619. Rey hit the 619. Triple H then finished Punk with a Pedigree.

WINNERS: Triple H & Edge & Mysterio in 10:00.

STAR RATING: **

Final Thoughts: They could have done better, but considering the circumstances, it's unfair to be too tough on them. They did hype Mysterio-Punk and a little bit of Jericho-Edge in the main event. They had Triple H and Sheamus give promos for their match. They had a video package for Cena-Batista, plus a Cena promo. Swagger vs. Orton go the weakest push, especially with Swagger losing to Taker. The MacGruber cast is talented, but the Kozlov and Khali stuff fell flat and overall it was just out of context and got too slapsticky.

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