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Marc R. Warzecha

Please email any feedback and breaking news to: TorchWarz@yahoo.com

Today's Top Story:

One time Olympic Gold Medalist and former professional wrestling star Kurt Angle was arrested at his home in Pittsburgh, PA.

WWS was able to secure the police report. The arresting officer's report follows:

"Arrived at Mr. Angle's residence at approximately 11:25pm. Suspect opened door and was wearing nothing but tanning goggles, a watch, and something he identified as the 'World Title'.

Suspect claimed to not have had a drink since 2004 and said he needed some 'tic tacs.' Suspect then poured several pills in his mouth out of a prescription bottle.

Informed suspect that the bottle identified these pills as 'oxycodin', not 'tic tacs'. Suspect claimed to have not taken any prescription medication since 2002. He then claimed to need his insulin and injected a syringe into his left buttock.

Hand written on the syringe with a red magic marker were the words 'anabolic steroids.'

Informed suspect of label, suspect claimed to not have taken any anabolic steroids since 1999. Told suspect that he was under arrest.

Suspect begged officer to let him 'pat Sting's teenage son on the behind just one more time.'

Denied request.

Suspect said he should inform his employer of arrest, whom he identified as 'Panda Energy.'

Officer on site called Panda Energy and explained situation. Spoke with department head 'Dixie Carter', who stated that none of the above charges seemed plausible due to company's drug policy.

Requested copy of policy.

Still waiting.

Top stories from this past week:

LILLIAN GARCIA TURNS HEEL

WWE ring announcer Lillian Garcia sang some weird foreign gibberish song last night on Raw.

Since all people with accents or the ability to speak more than one language are not allowed to be babyfaces in WWE, Lillian has turned heel.

She will be join a new faction along with The Great Khali, that tiny brown guy who manages him, the Arab terrorist guy who used to manage that other terrorist guy, Umaga, Santino, and that funny/annoying Japanese interviewer.

They will be feuding with a new (all white) babyface faction including Triple H, John Cena, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, and Bobby Lashley.

ROH MOB KILLS AND EATS "FAN"

(Edison, NJ) Tommy Leroy, 26, wishes he had never taken his younger brother Matt, 22, to the Ring of Honor PPV taping last weekend.

"He wasn't ready for it", Tommy confessed to WWS. "He's been a casual wrestling fan for years but was never into anything as serious as ROH.

"He'd seen a lot of Monday Night wars stuff and you know, dug the NWO and Austin. The last couple of years he'd been watching Raw on and off. He tried to get into TNA but it just didn't hook him. He was a good kid.

"I should have known better then to take him to an ROH show."

After the main event of Nigel McGuiness taking on Morishima had concluded, Matt commented that he thought the match was almost as good as Randy Orton vs. John Cena at Summerslam.

That's when things got ugly.

"The fans sitting around us heard it and I knew right away we were in trouble," Tommy explained. "I grabbed Matt by the arm and told him we had to get the hell out of there. But it was too late. They were already starting to push Matt and get in his face. They were screaming at him.

Tommy could hear it from all directions:

'This guy said Cena-Orton was better than a main event on an ROH show!'

'He's a f*****g lunatic asshole!'

'No man who thinks a WWE main event could ever be comparable to even the worst ROH match should be allowed to live!

'Kill him!

"Kill him!'

At this point the mob began tearing at Matt's clothes. They stripped him naked, lifted him into the air, and carried him onto the ring. Tommy was helpless to assist his brother as all 1,000 fans (a full house for ROH) joined in the ritualistic sacrifice.

"They threw him down mid-ring and began to tear him to shreds," Tommy painfully recalled. "There was blood everywhere. They ripped his meat off his bones and ate it raw.

"The whole time they were chanting the worlds that will ring in my ears for the rest of my life…

'This is awesome! (clap, clap, clap clap clap.)

This is awesome!'"

The FBI has announced that they are officially designating ROH fans as "a cult", the same designation they gave to ECW fans after a similar incident in 1995.

TRIPLE H'S BOOKING PLANS

Last night, WWE ran their "No Mercy" PPV from the Allstate arena in Chicago, IL. After the show, a member of the cleaning crew found a hand written sheet of paper under some empty water bottles in what was Triple H's locker room.

WWS assumes that this list is Triple H's booking plans for himself beginning tonight on RAW:

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Umaga.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Umaga.

-Beat Umaga.

-Beat Shelton Benjamin.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Cade and Murdoch/become tag team champs.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito, Cade, and Murdoch in handicap match.

-Beat Umaga.

-Beat Carilito, Umaga, Cade, and Murdoch in handicap match.

-Beat Shelton Benjamin.

-Beat Jeff Hardy/become I-C Champ.

-Beat Chris Jericho.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Randy Orton/become first ever WWEI-CtagTeamChampion.

-Beat John Cena in his return match.

-Beat Chris Jericho in his return match.

-Beat Shawn Michaels in his return match.

-Beat Booker T in his return match.

-Beat Ric Flair in his retirement match.

-Beat Carlito.

-Go to Smackdown.

-Beat MVP, Matt Hardy, and Batista to become WWEWorldUSI-CdoubleTagTeamChampion.

-Beat rest of Smackdown.

-Go to OVW.

-Unpack Spirit Squad from that giant shipping crate. Beat them.

-Beat rest of OVW.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Do run in on ROH PPV Taping.

-Beat ROH. Become WWEWorldUSI-CROHdoubleTagTeamChampion.

-Do run in on live TNA PPV.

-Beat TNA in Ultimate X match. Become WWEWorldUSI-CTNAROHdoubleTagTeamChampion.

-Return to WWE. Convince Austin to come out of retirement.

-Beat Austin.

-Do a run in on filming of "The Gameplan 2." Beat Rock. Pedigree that girl. Win the football game at the end 147-0.

-Fly to Japan to main event Toyko Dome show. Beat all of Japan's wrestlers in tournament.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Carlito.

-Learn Lucha style in 5 minutes.

-Fly to Mexico. Beat everyone. Unmask masked wresters. Mask unmasked wrestlers. Wait 20 years for newly masked wrestlers to get over. Fly back. Beat and unmask them. Beat everyone else with huracanrana off the top.

-Return to WWE.

-Turn on McMahon Family.

-Defeat Vince, Linda, Shane, Stephanie, and now fully-grown Aurora Rose after turning elimination chamber match into total shoot.

-Rule WWE.

-Beat Carlito.

-Beat Umaga.

-Beat Shelton Benjamin.

-Track down any living wrestlers walking the earth and beat them.

-Find that Chinese dude from Heroes and get him to teleport back in time and return with Lou Thesz, Gorgeous George, and George Hackenschmidt.

-Beat them.

-Challenge Jesus to "King of Kings match."

-Beat Jesus.

-Ascend into Heaven.

-Wait for anti-Christ to take over Earth.

-Return and beat Anti-Christ.

-1,000 years of peace.

-Return to judge the living and the dead.

-Ascend into Heaven.

-Turn on God and the Holy Spirit.

-Face God and Holy Spirit in Triple Threat match to headline biggest Wrestlemania of all time.

-Beat them.

-Rule until the end of time.

-Amen.

Please email any feedback and breaking news to Marc R. Warzecha at: TorchWarz@yahoo.com

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