By Marc R. Warzecha, PWTorch Contributor

WARZECHA WIRE SERVICE Special Report: Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle's second super-secret conversation revealed
By: WWS crack reporter Marc R. Warzecha

Earlier this year, WWS exclusively published a secretly recorded conversation between professional wrestling stars Hulk Hogan and Kurt Angle.

WWS has continued to monitor both stars's cell phones. Just days ago, Hogan and Angle spoke again. WWS presents a transcript of this new dialogue below.

Amazingly, the entire conversation between the two men takes place without either one of them telling the truth, ever.

While "working" others in such a way has become so engrained in the two men it most likely seemed like a typical conversation for both, an honest reader will find it a remarkable example of two people totally lost in their own bulls---.

HOGAN

Well, if it isn't my all time favorite Olympic hero calling.

ANGLE

It's always a pleasure to talk to the greatest technical wrestler of all time!

HOGAN

It has been too long, brother.

ANGLE

Way too long. I felt like giving you a call to see what's new with my friend, not for any political reasons or possible career opportunity on your new show.

HOGAN

And when I saw you on my caller ID, I took the call just to catch up with an old friend, not because I'm hoping to find out what's going on behind the scenes at TNA.

ANGLE

It's great to have a true friend like you. What's new?

HOGAN

Just chillin' and not thinking about wanting to work for WWE.

ANGLE

Me too. Just drinking a bottle of milk and not missing WWE.

HOGAN

Naw, I never miss WWE.

ANGLE

Me either. Who wants to work for the biggest promotion in the world, huh?

HOGAN

Who needs the hassle, brother? I'd much rather be on CMT.

ANGLE

I'd much rather be in TNA. I've got to compliment you on CCW. That's the greatest reality show in the history of reality shows.

HOGAN

I know. Being at ringside for the first set of matches made me feel like I was at the greatest wrestling show of all-time, which I was.

ANGLE

I love your catchphrase when you eliminate the losers. 'Get out of my ring, jabroni.' Only you could take the carnie term of 'jabroni' and find a way to make it mainstream, Hulkster.

HOGAN

The Rock couldn't do that.

ANGLE

Never.

HOGAN

Never once, brother.

ANGLE

It's got to be doing the best ratings in the history of CMT.

HOGAN

Yes, and it's doing the best ratings in the history of wrestling reality shows.

ANGLE

It's going to be doing the best ratings in the history of all reality shows.

HOGAN

It already is doing the best ratings in the history of CMT, wrestling reality shows, all reality shows, all wrestling shows, and all other shows. Ever.

ANGLE

So is TNA.

HOGAN

That's what I hear, brother.

ANGLE

Its funny how quickly one forgets about WWE.

HOGAN

I never think about it.

ANGLE

Me neither. I never consider begging my lawyers to some how get me out of my piece of s**t TNA contract so that I can make a surprise return at Wrestlemania 25.

HOGAN

I know what you mean. I've never once fantasized about Vince watching "Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling" on CMT and deeply longing to have me back in WWE for a retirement tour culminating at Wrestlemaina 25 where I bodyslam Big Show in the main event.

ANGLE

Ric Flair did deserve that great send off at Wrestlemaina 24.

HOGAN

Every second of it.

ANGLE

He's the greatest of all time.

HOGAN

No one has ever been better, or ever will be better.

ANGLE

I hope your personal life is well?

HOGAN

The best.

ANGLE

Ditto.

HOGAN

I left my wife.

ANGLE

So did I! Walked right out on mine.

HOGAN

Me too. Feels good to be free after 30 years of never cheating.

ANGLE

Don't I know it.

HOGAN

My divorce proceedings are going really smoothly.

ANGLE

Same here.

HOGAN

My lawyer actually suggested that I should try to hide some of my money so Linda couldn't get her fair share.

ANGLE

That's abominable.

HOGAN

I know.

ANGLE

I hope you set that lawyer straight.

HOGAN

You bet I did. I told that dirty lawyer that Linda was with me for 30 years, she was with me when I was a nobody, she stuck with me and raised our kids when I was on the road 300 days a year, and she should be taken care of.

ANGLE

Good man. One thing about Linda Hogan; she's not a gold digger.

HOGAN

I'm just happy I never drunk dial Linda. I'd be too embarrassed to ever tell you if I had called her repeatedly at 3am and said, 'Linda, I love you. Please, please, please don't take my money. '

ANGLE

You'd never even think anything like that.

HOGAN

I'm just happy she's dating a nice young man.

ANGLE

She deserves it.

HOGAN

He's welcome in my former home anytime.

ANGLE

And I saw on Perez Hilton that you've been dating. That chic is hot.

HOGAN

Hot.

ANGLE

Real hot.

HOGAN

She's hotter than my 1990 feud with Earthquake, and that was hot as hell brother.

ANGLE

She's every feminine.

HOGAN

She doesn't look at all like a man.

ANGLE

No!

HOGAN

And she's not a man.

ANGLE

No one would never even think that.

HOGAN

I mean, for the record, she's not a man. It's not like we were hooking up in her apartment and I reached down under her khakis and discovered fully functioning man parts, freaked out, punched her in the face, got my ass kicked, and then called Jimmy Hart to pick me up, take me back to his place, and hold me in his arms like a baby while I cried.

ANGLE

I'm happy I never drunk dial Karen.

HOGAN

I've got to tell you, brother, I always thought you and Karen were great together.

ANGLE

I hear that all the time. Vince used to say it.

HOGAN

She was a sweet girl, brother. She seemed so gentle, loving, understanding.

ANGLE

She did keep me grounded. She helped me to make a lot of sound decisions.

HOGAN

It's a good thing the two of you had kids.

ANGLE

We're very stable parents.

HOGAN

I believe it, brother. It would have been a shame if the two of you didn't allow your DNA to mix and bring some very normal children into this world.

ANGLE

I'll be honest; I always admired Linda as well.

HOGAN

Who didn't?

ANGLE

She's a brilliant woman.

HOGAN

Oh yeah, brother.

ANGLE

Very high IQ.

HOGAN

She's in MENSA.

ANGLE

So am I.

HOGAN

So am I.

ANGLE

And she gave you two angelic children. That thing that happened with Nick was a fluke. It has nothing to do with the way you raised him.

HOGAN

I know, brother.

ANGLE

Do you know how many great Dads there are out there – just like you – who buy their son a sports car, subtly encourage him to drive fast, purchase booze for him and his underage friends, and never have anything bad happen?

HOGAN

Millions.

ANGLE

Billions.

HOGAN

Trillions.

ANGLE

Gazillions.

HOGAN

Being a father is the most important thing in my life.

ANGLE

Me too. I've got to tell you, I'm sorry the way the media treated you after that video surfaced of you rubbing sun tan lotion on the back of Brooke's legs.

HOGAN

I don't understand what the big deal was.

ANGLE

Nothing creepy about it.

HOGAN

It healthy and normal.

ANGLE

Every Dad does that.

HOGAN

My Dad did it for me.

ANGLE

My Dad still does it for me.

HOGAN

My Dad's doing it right now.

ANGLE

I've got to level with you, Hulkster. I know your daughter is very beautiful, but I personally have never thought about her sexually.

HOGAN

Me neither.

ANGLE

I only watched that video once on TMZ.

HOGAN

I believe you.

ANGLE

I know a lot of people watch those TMZ videos over and over and over and over again but I didn't.

HOGAN

Me neither.

ANGLE

I'll bet there are even some sickos out there who downloaded the video to their computers so they could watch it on a loop, but I didn't.

HOGAN

Nope.

ANGLE

And I definitely didn't take a five week class at Pittsburgh Community College called "Intro to Final Draft Pro" so I could learn to edit the video down to a slow motion compilation of just you rubbing lotion under her swimsuit.

HOGAN

Why would you?

ANGLE

I didn't edit it into a 9 hour movie of continuous slow-mo looping footage, dump it to DVD, put on my favorite Olympic singlet with a hole cut out of the crotch, play the DVD in my home theatre with the lights out while no once was home, and pleasure myself until I re-broke my freggin' neck!

HOGAN

Of course not. Well, I should get going. I've got to spend time with Jesus; he's my new best friend.

ANGLE

Mine too!

HOGAN

Through Jesus, I've remembered that material wealth means nothing to me.

ANGLE

And you felt that way before Linda took half your stuff, right?

HOGAN

Always.

ANGLE

I should go, too. My other line's ringing.

HOGAN

Mine too.

ANGLE

It's Vince again.

HOGAN

Mine's Vince too. Vince and Hollywood.

ANGLE

I'm going to take this call, and then go be sober.

HOGAN

Me too, brother. Me too.

Marc R. Warzecha is a professional comedian and a nearly 20 year PWTorch reader. His columns usually appear monthly in the PDF online bonus pages of PWTorch Newsletter. E-mail him with feedback and hot news tips at TorchWarz@yahoo.com.

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