By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"What do I need to prove
What do I need to be
I'm not giving up
I'm not going forward
But I'm not going home
And I'm not going away
Not backing out
Not turning heel
I'm just not moving
Just not moving"

- "Not Moving" by Arcwelder

On this Thursday night we have Celtics vs. Lakers and TNA Impact. Let's see how Impact battles the basketball game.

At "Against All Odds" (meaning the PPV is against all odds of getting a high number of buys), we have a fatal four way with Angle, Sting, and Team 3D. The very next graphic viewers see is Angle-Sting vs. Team 3D for Impact's main event. "We'll see if Sting and Angle can work together." I'm sure that they will sing songs and dance as Impact closes.

In case you haven't heard, there's a tension developing between Sting and Angle. You know. The friction that was only brought to light during Sting's one-minute spiel with Angle last week. The tension!

Showing desperation, the TNA announcers go into length in how damn important the order of introductions of MEM are. Angle comes out first because he's the leader. Sting is last because he's the World Champion (makes sense). The rest of MEM are buffers. Because of the tension. The long tension between Angle and Sting that just now viewers were told about. Excuse me for asking, but I think it would be more effective if you actually worked on your PPV main event angle weeks ago instead of just throwing it out on the last show before the PPV.

I liked Nash's promo because it wasn't serious. Frankly Nash could do every promo like in the Sandler football movie and he would get high praise from me. Kenny Rogers doing "oh yeah! oh yeah!" was amusing. I'm supposing that TNA wanted me to take away the fact that Nash worked a lot behind the scenes (yawn), the legend of Scott Hall (double yawn), or the "revenge of the fallen" Joe. Considering Joe's terribly booked reign as champion, I'll wait and see.

Angle and Sting continue their unbearable tension. Angle: "Maybe we'll get a clearer picture when we give the PPV main event for free." No mystery about it: Angle tells Sting that he cannot trust him. I'm not sure why I am supposed to care about the "tension angle" between Sting and Angle. TNA continues to make the mistake of believing that whatever angle they have for their wrestlers, viewers will no doubt be sucked in.

Will Sting wrestle in his shirt? Stay tuned.

Team 3D promo. Got a kick out of the American flag in the background, but didn't know quite why there was all of the random stuff on top of the locker. You have your body spray, your soap, your baby oil, your chumpy 13-inch television screen. Amusing to me that they turned all of products backward so no of the product names would face the camera.

Speaking about baby oil, Legacy should come out with their own baby oil.

I guess that's why I still watch TNA. Ray was giving out names like "Anglelosita" (because you see Ray was making the comparison that Angle loves the mafia and he was trying to make the name Angle sound Italian...yeah). At this point of stupidity the urge of switching over to Celtics vs. Lakers is strong. So you ignore what TNA is showing you and you notice things like "hey, there's a bunch of random products in the background that don't show their names to the camera. Why is there a 13-inch television on top of the lockers? TNA must be awfully cheap. Why would they go to all of the trouble of sprucing up the locker room during Team 3D's promo?"

Who writes this crap?

At the end of the promo, Lauren with a worried look on her face says: "Do you know only one of you can become world champion?" You see, this is how TNA cover their bases. Never mind the fact that no one can picture (or want) Ray or Devon as world champion. Instead they show that Team 3D's main focus is the integrity of Sting instead of wanting to become World champion. Lauren throwing out the idea at the last second...good job.

Kiyoshi Rough Cut video. First we have a random punk talk glowingly about Kiyoshi. Oh wait, it's the X Division champion Shelley. Odd lighting here. So we're hyping up Kiyoshi instead of your X Division champ. Oh-kay.

Another problem with the Rough Cuts is that they break away from the storylines TNA has shown. Shelley talks about how Great Muta is like Mick Foley. Wasn't Shelley's main thing for the past months talking about how much of a chump Foley was?

Oh look. The TNA world champion Sting. Sting: "If Great Muta wants to back Kiyoshi, that must mean Kiyoshi is great." Uh...meanwhile, loads and loads of the Great Muta in action. Wait. Is the Great Muta coming to TNA? Or is Kiyoshi?

Well, the good thing about this is that surely a Kiyoshi match must be next. Here we go! Kiyoshi match! Start! Wait, we have a replay of Morgan vs. Petey from last week.

Lethal and Creed, the face tag team that I absolutely loathe (because of how they are portrayed), talk about how the Motor City Machine Guns are meanies for not helping them. Excuse me? What are you, children? Why should you care that MCMG didn't help you? Shouldn't you be focused on Beer Money and your friggin tag team title shots at the PPV?

Creed and Lethal continue on their promo. They were doing promos like how children emulating their favorite wrestlers would do a promo. I thought it would have been appropriate to have clown music playing in the background. Lethal talks about the Macho Man for the 2,142th time. Lethal's career will be a joke if he can't get away from this Macho Man character. He needs to make his own mark. I imagine a lot of viewers were thinking this during Creed and Lethal's promo: "Shut up and let me see you wrestle."

On "The Biggest Loser: Couples," they showed a team of a hard-worker and a lazy person. They hyped up the fact that the audience should hate the lazy person for dragging the hard-worker down. Lots of reaction shots and statements from the other members. It's a tactic to invoke anger from the audience. It's cheap as hell. TNA did the same thing for MCMG tonight.

Shelly wears a peacoat to the ring. Yeah, wearing that X Division belt must be pretty embarrassing. Tenay talks about Marty and Shawn during MCMG's intro. Maybe nowadays they're not full out mentioning WWE, WCW, and ECW. Instead they are just doing the tactic of mentioning previous stars and relating them to lesser talent.

Beer Money is actually babyface, as they are trying to keep the belts. Champions get paid more money. TNA gets to show off it's "double cameras" while West and Tenay foam at the mouth in just how much I should hate MCMG.

West: "MCMG are so apathetic."
Tenay: "That just drives home the point that MCMG are so apathetic."
West: "The attitude of the MCMG just sticks in your craw."
Tenay: "MCMG caused the American economy to sink. They are so apathetic. They don't care. They are evil. Blah blah blah blah."

It was like getting hit in the head with a hammer...a thousand times.

In the span of two minutes, Tenay and West couldn't stop talking about how evil MCMG were. Invoking anger from the audience. It works. For eight-year-olds. I don't care how apathetic you tell me MCMG are. "That just drives home the point." No it doesn't, you idiots. Because I don't believe you. This is a rush job. MCMG's "apathetic side" was not even hyped up during the last three weeks. MCMG in general got a grand total of five minutes on television during the build-up for the PPV.

One of the main problems about TNA is that they often show contempt for the audience. Tenay and West were working themselves into a frenzy in just how evil MCMG are. Meanwhile crowd chants "Motor City." They jammed too many bits in this Beer Money-Lethal/Creed-MCMG bit.

Tenay: "That just makes you sick to your stomach." Does it? Can TNA stop doing the tactic of having the announcers tell me what I should feel and think?

Enough. I hit the mute button. I watched the rest of the X Division tag team match on mute. It was peaceful.

Ah, a botched suicide dive. Ooh, a nice submission move by Shelley.

Rudy the Ref throws up his hands. You see kiddies, in the magical world of kayfabe wrestling, illegal tag team partners have five seconds to get out of the ring or they risk disqualification. Evidence was shown during the Legacy vs. Cryme Tyme match. Rudy the bumbling ref throws up his hands and lets it happen. "I'm just here to count the three." Did I see Rudy the ref selling the effects of last week's match? Sign that man up to become a wrestler!

Maybe Rudy the Ref can visit schools and talk about the value of "incompetence at your job." A good lesson for the kids.

I'm still watching on mute, and I see Eric Young jump on the apron. I can imagine Tenay screaming, "What! Oh my goodness! My ass is going to explode! Young is here! Unreal! Young! Young! Young! MCMG refused to paint my house!"

Young does his double death driver. Probably the only reason why he still has a job with TNA. It's nothing personal. And I know it's not Young's fault the stinky angles he has been involved with. But nearly every bit Young has been involved in has been stinkers. Super League of Nimrods. Alter ego of Super Eric. Looking for Elvis. Being stripped of the X Division belt...twice. 2008 was an impressive year for Eric.

I did enjoy the match. Some matches you gotta work the mute button.

Tenay: "We'll hear from the X Division champ Shelley who just jobbed to Young. Stay tuned." How did this bit start again? Nothing is sinking in.

X Division continues their tradition of getting PPV hype on the very last show before the PPV. Makes me want to sing...

"Rush job
Rush job
Oh it's a rush job
Oh yeah
Rush job"

Cornette talks to Kong backstage. You see, Cornette thinks Kong is a dummy: "Apparently even though you can't speak, you can hear." Oh-kay. "I'm going to say this nice and slow because you're stupid." What's stupid is that Kong is loaded down with baggage (i.e. Kongtourage). ODB comes in, slaps her boobs, grabs her crotch, downs a bottle of Jimmy Bean, belches, shoves her armpit into the face of Kong, and throws up on Corny. Okay, that didn't happen. But it should have. I would have taken Mickey Mouse coming in and peeing on the wall. Something. "Damn, Mickey! What are you doing to my office!" (credit to theage.com.au for pic).

Corny: "Take a lot of gravy over my plate." Here's the main question nearly every TNA promo and backstage skit faces: Is there a point?

Sojo Bolt comes in and calls Borash a crackerjack. So the character of Sojo Bolt talks about "jive turkeys," "honkeys," and hates the white folk. Gee. Cornette + Smoky Mountain Wrestling + "The Gangstas" = Terrible.

Damn, Booker looks good. Doesn't look good wrestling, but he dresses nice!

Booker pronounces the name "Sewell" as "Stool." Maybe Booker can do a promo about himself being stool softener or something (credit to manekineko.us for pic).

Corny: "Booker, if you were to be a ref for the Sewell vs. Bashir match, that would be a crummy idea! And guess what? It's going happen tonight!"

"We're still relevant" Beautiful People show up. They talk about butchering and maiming and flaying the skin of their opponents. Are we professionals or are we just kids pretending to be professionals?

It's Sewell vs. Bashir! West: "The Sting-Angle tension has gotten out of hand!" Why does TNA continue to make statements that many viewers don't agree with?

During the match, Tenay and West talk about Governor Blagojevich. TNA fans can expect a fake Bejockitch to show up. Yes, over at TNA we use "flash in the pan" people to gain attention. Did you know that Blagobisch was an amateur boxer? And that Angle approves of his sneaky ways?

And hey, did you know that author Stephen King kind of looks like Governor Blojbeevich? If he takes off the glasses, he does kind of look like Bojovifistch! Boy, I wonder if King is working on a new book. Right now I'm reading "Just After Sunset" and I just finished "Stationary Bike"...

Oh, I'm sorry. I went off on a completely unrelated tangent not pertinent to the absurd article. I'm just being like the TNA announcers! Hee hee hee! MCMG are apathetic! How could you not hate those bastards!

Meanwhile, an actual match is happening. Stool steals Jeff Hardy's move but replaces it with a head butt (or elbow). Can't say much for his fashion, but looked serviceable here. Black Swan comes out. "We can't stop him, he's got a ref shirt on!" Just think of the damage a fan could cause during Against All Odds if they stormed the ring wearing a ref shirt.

Apparently, Rudy the Ref is the only TNA employee who sells previous injuries. Booker yells, "I'll get you Stool!" Many people are more excited about Sewell vs. Booker than Sting vs. Angle vs. Devon vs. Ray. Sad.

Sting comes out and does a promo about how the belt will be tainted if Angle wins the belt. Hey, think about it Sting. If Angle wins, the belt can be tainted and worthless! What a combo!

Ewww. Cute Kip does the rope burn.

The serious Beautiful People whoop on Roxxi and Taylor. Good move in getting away from Beautiful People's comedy skits. And just like Lethal's character, the character of "fake Palin" has a shelf life. The crowd pops for the fake governor but if they are bringing her as a wrestler, she can't do that gimmick forever.

Whatever happened to Traci Brooks as the Knockout Law?

Kiyoshi part two. So he's going wrestle next, right? No, it's Brutus Magnus vs. Shark Boy! Kiyoshi not wrestling was a missed opportunity. These Kiyoshi Rough Cut video packages will be forgotten by next week.

Brutus Magnus. He's wearing a bloody skirt. Oh boy.

I don't hate Kozlov. I love guys that can pull off throws and slams. Probably why they haven't fired MVP yet. I just don't believe his cartoony character and his cheesy promos. Brutus Magnus's character is at least believable and TNA could go somewhere with it. Some characters don't have a lot to work with. Kizarny, anyone?

Nice to see Shark Boy not selling the effects of the "impressive beating" by Brutus. Not sure why they had their hot new talent against a cult favorite. Brutus has a solid character and was fine on the mic. Lose the skirt. Regal vs. Brutus at the PPV. Regal drops Brutus on his head and Brutus becomes the whiny scared puppy known as David Beckham.

Borash: "I'm here in the locker room where Angle is dropping his pants." In Angle's locker room, more random products that show their backs to the camera. Amusing (to me at least) that they had to turn them all around. Angle: "People want to cause dissension between me and Sting." Uh, at the start of the show you basically told Sting that he couldn't trust you. Angle tells Borash this: "I'll do it on my own, you cracker!"

Morgan vs. Abyss actually had a pretty solid storyline. Missed opportunity here to hype up the question to see if Morgan is hardcore. They sold Abyss as this crazy lunatic bastard with weapons, but with Morgan they never really had him show any doubt. What fans have to look forward to for the PPV is a crazy hardcore brawl, but I think the match would have been more intriguing if they had Morgan show a bit of doubt in getting into a hardcore match with Abyss (if it's a normal match, then why bother). I'm using Foley vs. Orton as an example.

I do like the name "Carbon Footprint." Abyss comes out with bags in his hands. West talks about how Abyss is bringing out tacks. Abyss could be bringing out bags of candy for all you know, West.

Oooh, looks like we're going to get a money promo from Abyss. Good move here as this feud was missing something to pry fans's wallets.

Money promo! Start! Uh...Abyss screaming loudly. Um, all right. "Abusive fathers! Shock therapy!" Okay. Money promo. Let's get going here. I'm not buying the PPV because Abyss is yelling.

"....huff...huff...I'm a cartoon crazy character!...I'm not believable!...DNA OF TNA!" Wow, this sucks. Abyss gets out the tacks and punches them. Not money promo, but money shot. "KICK YOUR ASS!" Abyss' girlfriend, Lauren, comes out to check on him. Aww. Maybe Abyss and Lauren can go out for an Italian dinner. The skit can have Abyss proposing to Lauren, Lauren rejecting his offer, and then she gets stabbed in the chest with a dinner fork by the wacky janitor (credit to applause-tickets.com and slam.canoe.ca for pic).

I'm hoping that Joe goes on a tear against MEM. A one man wrecking crew. Takes out Nash. Cause sooner or later MEM's domination will get stale. I'm hoping for some sort of plan...rather than him just coming back at AOO and then fading into obscurity uh-again.

Time for analysis, kiddies!

Can Devon be pictured as world champion? No!
Can Ray be pictured as world champion? No!
Does Sting really deserve to be world champion? No!

So the only reason to buy the match is to see if Angle will become champion or not. I'm hoping he will because frankly he's the driving force behind TNA right now.

I get excited about a potential playoff match between LeBron James and Kobe Bryant. The assumption is that many people who watch wrestling also watch football, but it's not always the case. What sports do you watch? Do you watch MMA? Personally I haven't watched a lick of MMA.

Now it's time to go to buy some Limp Bizkit's CDs online. Yeah!

POSITIVES

-- MCMG tag team match
-- Morgan vs. Abyss get their money shot
-- Shane Sewell
-- Beautiful People get serious
-- Brutus Magnus

NEGATIVES

-- Team 3D promo, not at all believable as potential world champions
-- MCMG's "they're so evil" rush job by announcers, announcing in general
-- Cornette backstage bits, Sojo Bolt's character
-- Beautiful People Promo
-- Abyss's yelling promo
-- PPV buildup was spotty and rushed in certain parts (Sting-Angle, X Division)

IMPACT'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt