By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind"

- "Dust In The Wind" by Kansas

When I woke up this morning, sports talk radio was all abuzz about New York Yankees baseball player A-Rod getting busted with taking steroids. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig should do the right thing and wipe away every record that the cheaters achieved (Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, etc.). KNBR 680 was heavy into A-fraud mania, and then they mentioned that at 8:00, the great wrestler John Cena was going to appear. Oh boy.

Michael Phelps's bland apology? Sometimes the world needs more wrestling heels. The ones who go, "Yeah. I did it. What are you going to do about it? Nothing." Instead we get a whole heap of backtracking that is infuriating. Accountability is what I'm stressing.

Talking about accountability, did you catch TNA Impact on Sunday? Actually it was a PPV called "Against All Odds." It reminded me of the old joke Steve Martin used to do about how much a ticket to his show cost but tonight his material wasn't worth what the people paid for. To recap...

-Petey still dresses up like Steiner. It's a bit unnerving every week to see Petey still dressed up like mini-Scott Steiner. Am I seeing another MVP punishment thing here? Where they make a guy go through stupid crap seemingly just for their own amusement? Steiner dominates and Joe makes empty threats through the magic of a video package. Not quite what I imagined. Joe's gonna ... sit in front of a camera.

-Morgan vs. Abyss was... Morgan vs. Abyss. The guy who steals moves vs. the fake Mankind. Liked both men, but this match never really could go anywhere with its limitations.

-"Dude, you gotta check out this Sewell, man. He's a ref/wrestler! It's wicked good!"
"Are you high? Why would I pay to see a ref fight a wrestler?"
"Actually that's a good point. Dunno know why Sewell keeps dressing up like a ref/slob"

Saving grace of this stink burger was the return of A.J. Styles...who wants a shot at a tinfoil belt Booker created at the playground. Back to business as usual for Frontline. Just too damn content of winning a game of dodge ball against MEM instead of winning the war.

-Apparently, Brutus Magnus has come from the future to save us from them evil robots. Go get them, Magnus! (credit to comicsreporter.com for pic).

Oh yeah, Sabin jobbed to this man because TNA thought it best for one of their stars to get beaten by the gladiator. Who did Ricky Ortiz beat in his second match? The line between "believable bad-ass" from "pathetic joke" for TNA wrestlers is razor thin.

-ODB wins over Kong but doesn't eat Khan or Sojo. I would pay to see Kong eat somebody. Biggest thing out of the Beer Money tag team match was the "man-love" moment. And yes, Chumpy Cryme Tyme gets shown more on television than LAX. Their main role is to be the tag team that Legacy beats up. Legacy = moody male models.

-Shelley vs. Young was nice. Maybe next month we get actually get an X Division storyline. I'll take anything. Even a really sub-standard one. Lethal spills coffee on Shelly. Creed steals Shelly's eyeliner. Something other than MCMG's apathy.

-But there's no time to give the X Division hype, we've got to pump up Sting-Angle tension! The tension! What's gonna happen? The answer: not much. Not much at all.

The main knock on TNA PPVs is that you don't know what you might get. Genesis had two MOTY contenders with Shelley vs. Sabin and Jarrett vs. Angle. "Wow, I got my money's worth, and then some." Against All Odds made a lot of fans depressed that they bought the thing. "Wow. Why did I buy that?" One could forgive poor storylines and bland feuds if the action inside the ring overcame such things.

I have been hearing talk about the possibility of TNA going kaput in two years time. That's not going to happen. TNA has an extremely loyal fan base and they have potential in the X Division, Knockouts, and Tag Team Division. I would have to mention that if Angle ever bolted out of TNA, things wouldn't look too pretty for TNA.

The cost of wrestling PPVs are never going to go down (for sound, logical reasons) but Against All Odds was not worth $30. It was more like worth $10. I could have saved $20. You know what I could have done with that extra money? I could have bought Cena PJs, Trips slippers, and a Undertaker blankie because I just wuv the WWE so much!

Now onto Raw. It's comforting to know that big-time WWE still has to promote dog shows on their broadcast. I thought that Jericho-Flair would mention Jericho's scuffle with fans, considering how Santino's DUI, Jeff's house being burned down, and Orton injuring himself on a motorcycle were all mentioned.

The thing with Jericho is that he addresses the faulty logic that arises in his character. Why would Jericho be so concerned about Flair wrestling in bingo halls? Because Jericho is a locker room leader. Both men brought up valid points. "Fans sure love their wrestlers, but they sure don't miss them when they are gone." I sure don't miss Jericho's "raging metrosexual" character when he came back to the WWE.

I remember Jericho talking about the band Kansas's "Dust In The Wind" on VH1's 40 Softsational Soft Rock Songs. Here are some different verisons of the Jericho story...

Hecklers: That big dumb meanie couldn't believe that we stopped in front of his vehicle. We just gave him a little shove. Then he punched me right in the eye. $12 million!

Jericho: Those axiomatic, digusting hypocrites dared touched my epidermis? It confounds me how trained monkeys could do a better job than my low budget security team. Oh, if only I had my buddy Lance Storm by my side. Nobody would mess with me with one souless look from Stormy's cold, vacant eyes.

(I actually once sent a email to Lance Storm. The subject matter was about Shark Boy. He never responded. No wonder why.)

The official WWE verision would probably be something like "...but crisis was adverted when suddenly Vince McMahon appeared with a jetpack to make the miraclous save..."

Oh yeah, Jericho is in that chamber this Sunday. Every time I hear "pods" I think about Spinal Tap. Maybe Jericho could get stuck in his.

Sign from last week: "Where's X-Pac?" Last time I saw him, I was watching AAA. There was something about Degeneration MEX.

Not news to anyone, but the Randy Orton "Apology for the Doughboy beating me up" was done not so much for the fans benefit, but to make the feud work and earn money. Fans could grasp where WWE was going with it (Shane was pissed off because Orton punted his father in the head), but it was still absurdly ridiculous for him to beat up all three members of Legacy. At least they are not calling Shaneo young or claiming that he can bench 400 pounds. Man looks like he's ready to pass out just walking towards the ring. Things do not look good for the Doughboy (credit to thespywhobilledme.com for pic).

Beth & Jillian vs. Melina & Kelly. I've seen this before. They call this "product plug time," as merchandise scrolls on the bottom of the screen. Can do without the Saturday Night Main Event DVD. I would actually buy a cheap DVD containing comedy sketches of wrestlers. But WWE doesn't believe in doing comedy. Exposes the business. So thus we get ripoffs like "12 Rounds" and "Behind Enemy Lines."

"There are many classic films, a few memorable Super Bowls...I mean, really. Come on. Did you see that Steelers vs. Cardinals? What a bore! It was just terrible. How could anyone not fall asleep during that fourth quarter? Boring! You know what's not boring? Boogeyman! And he's live on ECW tomorrow night!"

Orton says that he can decide to go after John Cena or Triple H for the world championship. You don't want to go after ECW Champion Jack Swagger? Remember, he easily misplaces his title!

The rock band Saliva and WWE. Fruitful partnership. What must also be noted is that the Raw announcers don't throw as many catchphrases as they used to do. They're still cheesy, but at least it's not akin to listening to Dora the Explorer.

"Crossroads." "Attitude Adjustment." "Terrndumb."

Cena: "I'm going to have a civilized conversation with my opponent using 'big words'...nuts to that! I'll be using my fists! Suck my self-righteousness!"

Here's the Oakland Raiders! I think it's been five seasons with eleven losses. The camera shows nicely dressed men sitting cross-legged and applauding modestly. They didn't show them fake fighting with goofy grins on their faces.

Can anyone picture Kane, Kofi, or Knox as world champ? No. But at least you can expect a decent match of these guys in the chamber. Focus was on "Will John Cena retain his title?" Answer: yep. They were throwing out useless stats like "there is a 60 percent chance of a new world champion being crowned blah blah blah." Cena could be facing nothing but houseplants and WWE would pump up the fact that Cena might lose his title. Because the houseplants are radioactive, evil houseplants.

In the chamber there will be bulletproof glass. In case Mike Knox packs a 9 in his beard, Mr. Fuzzy. I wonder what are the odds of Kofi doing RVD's "Spider-man" move in the chamber.

Flapjack by Jericho. Jericho and Mysterio. I would have loved to see this feud. The finish was a little too cute, but the effort is appreciated.

Kozlov is featured on the No Way Out poster? That's ...frightening. WWE sure loves them some Kozlov.

Look, viewers! Steph is talking to somebody on the phone! Maybe it's her father! Maybe it's her brother! Maybe it's her hubby! Maybe it's Boogeyman and they're having a secret affair. Wow. Exciting as...watching somebody on their cell phone. Take that, reruns of CSI Miami, Simpsons, and House!

Here comes the boy toy Michaels, and he's pissed. It's Henry vs. HBK! If HBK loses this Sunday, he has to become JBL's boy toy until the end of time, or WrestleMania 25, whichever one comes first. Cue up a close shot of Lawler's mouth going "FOR-EV-ER".

HBK gets in his quick match. JBL talks about making sweet, tender love to HBK's wife. Only thing they need now at their PPV match is Marty Jannetty suspended over the ring in a cage.

It's Punk vs. Regal. You see kids, in the old days, they used to wrestle under three minutes for championship matches. All I remember of Punk vs. Regal of last week was seeing constipated faces screaming bloody murder. I could only assume that they shoved something up Regal's ass, because he spent a lot of the match going, "ARRGGGHHH!"

Shot of C.C. Sabitha in the crowd. Wow, that's actually impressive. I'm used to getting shots of lesser celebrities like Tom Green.

Punk vs. Regal is bone on bone. It's easy to forget that this is for the prestigious IC title. I watch this match to see some stiff shots. Regal does a head butt on Punk. They proceed to punch and kick each other in the head because of their hatred of this dead-end feud. Or maybe they just pretend the other one is a booker.

I got a kick out of Brutus Magnus talking about how he's not a stereotypical Englishman. And no, I'm not a stereotypical American. I hardly ever, ever overact.

So is Mickey Rourke in WrestleMania or out? I can live without camera shots of Rourke in the crowd with his little doggy or falling asleep (credit to telegraph.co.uk for pic).

Raw shows a shot of Lombard Street. Reminds me of an old Bill Cosby Joke: "The hills in San Fran are incredible! They go straight up, and straight down! They've got this street, called Lombard Street. It's got to be the steepest street in the world. And they're not content with killing you in that way. They make the road twist and turn, and they put flowers to mark where they buried the people who have died there."

Shane is the type of guy who dreams of knocking out the champion and winning the title. Well, great news Shane! You're Shane McMahon! You can live out that dream every night! Shane lands his "coast to coast" on Dibase. PPV hype might as well been Cole screaming, "Buy the PPV! You know Shane is going to do something stupid! Order now!" Fear the doughboy!

Sorry to break to this folks, but WWE is going to take a page out of TNA's book. Yes, they have been hyping up this Shane vs. Orton feud. Fans who buy the PPV are expecting to get their money's worth. What's actually going to happen is Orton is going to do some chin locks, Shane is going to land some weak punches, then Shane is going to take a kendo stick shot in the back and Orton gets the pin! "Fear me! I just beaten the Doughboy! Next stop, main event at WrestleMania 25!"

RAW'S FINAL VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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