By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"I'm out here putting pride on the line
And you case on me with pure respect
One chance at one thing
Hard time is coming
My time, your pain
I reign on you"

- "Regular People (Conceit)" by Pantera

I think the chorus to this old Pantera song would fit the character of Shane perfectly (I can't print it here, this here is a family site). Don't mess with the Doughboy.

No Way Out starts off with the spooky movie voice guy talking about Shane as the "avenger" over his injured father. So, so stupid.

Smackdown Chamber starts off the show. Triple H spits water in Show's face. The announcers talk about how Show has won the WWE, WCW and ECW championship titles. I remember the back of one of his t-shirts celebrating that fact: "I love threesomes." This was back when Show was a hairy dude, looked overweight, and managed to get his spit everywhere.

Kudos to the Santino "Obama's Hope" sign lookalike. There are not a lot of entertainment places that let fans be creative. Of course, you will get signs like "Stephanie Likes Ugly Testicles" or "Bischoff has AIDS" (this was back in the 90s). Not nowadays, there are sign nazis everywhere.

Nice touch with Edge losing in the first five minutes. Guaranteed to crown a new champ. Jeff becomes a rag doll in this one, but loses to the Undertaker. Really slow part with Kozlov-Show tension. Kozlov's offense considered of fall away slams and head butts. Some awkward stuff with Kozlov and Show.

Sometimes it is the little things that wrestlers do that stand out. Undertaker punching the cage? Cool. Cena squatting and doing his best Matt Morgan? Not so cool.

Things begin to pick up as Undertaker comes in. Like many fans, there was a point in the match when I wondered if this battle royale-rumble needed to take place in an elimination chamber. I thought that during the Kozlov-Show bit of the Smackdown chamber.

Probably the most obvious set up for a move ("Last Ride") is when an opponent does a ten punch on Undertaker in the corner. Crowd pops every time, but still...

Jeff does his swan dive. Undertaker re-reverses the tombstone. Trips's foot on the bottom rope. Lots of near falls in this one. I think fans got a glimpse of what the Smackdown main event at WrestleMania is going to be. Nicely done (credit to wwe.com for pic).

Backstage Edge pulls his hair. And apparently the biggest thing to do in Seattle is to throw fish.

"A son avenges his father's pain." Eye-rolling. At least it's not cheesy "world music" playing with the Orton-Shane video package. The music and editing were top notch. Orton looks bad-ass here. The only downer? Shane. Ugh.

Orton slathers Crisco on himself. Understand that oil highlights the muscles, but it looks weird. "Orton wants to kill the legend of the McMahons." Ugh ugh.

Shane does his Apollo Creed. Three minutes in and he's already drenched in sweat. Crowd was in a state of bewilderment. Ugh ugh ugh.

Shane hits Orton with the TV. That was hard to watch. Stitches definitely. Legacy comes out and Shane takes care of them. The blood on Orton's face was kind of artistic. Guess I've seen too many of Mick Foley's bloodbaths.

So lemme get this straight...Orton cuts a promo about how Shane's gonna cry and beg for his life. That Orton's punishment will not stop. So what was up with the three quick pin attempts? Didn't Orton want to enjoy himself in beating up Shane? The three in-succession pin attempts just made one want to throw up on this Shane garbage. Give me a break. "How does Shane kick out every time? It's the McMahon heart." Please. Shane's putting himself over for really no good reason.

One can point that WWE is shaping their products towards children, and that children are mostly gullible. From that perspective Shane being a tough competitor for Orton works. But for the rest of us, it's just laughable and sad how Shane McMahon gets all of this love. So the idea for the pin kick outs for Shane was all wrong.

Randy was the one crying. Cole: "Orton begging and pleading on his knees." It's to paint Orton as a cowardly heel, but I didn't like how this match played out. Too much Super Shane crud and the feeling that Orton was damn lucky to win this one. It was a train wreck. This is going to be weird to write, but the blood that Orton shed actually helped his character. If you're going to be lacerated, hopefully you can use it to your advantage. I actually look forward to how this will play out in the next Orton video package.

After the match, Orton cries for his momma and yelps in pain. He looked like he just got through a war with Cactus Jack. Instead, he just got through a battle with Shane. Please stop with this "McMahon Legend" crap. I can accept a lot of things about the WWE, but in no way can I accept that "the McMahon heart" can make somebody nearly impossible to defeat. Ugh to the max.

During the ECW match, a chant starts up: "We Want Christian." Todd Grisham actually talks about Christian coming to ECW, something that the rest of WWE remains hesitant to.

Breaking news...

Todd Grisham has been fired from the WWE due to insubordination. WWE wishes him luck in his future endeavors.

The ECW announcers went heavy into the backgrounds of the wrestlers, but at this point of the PPV this would have been time for a Santino comedy filler or a bathroom break diva match. The placement of the match right after the violent Orton vs. Shane match didn't help matters. Of course, these guys didn't give a real barnburner of a match.

In general, this PPV was unique from the typical WWE PPV. Instead of the usual eight matches intertwined with a lot of backstage skits and such, it was more like "Big Match - Video Package - Big Match - Video Package - Big Match."

Hornswoggle comes out to awaken the crowd from their sleep. Horny prepares himself to fly 30 feet from the ring. What the hell was that? The start of the Finlay-Horny beef?

HBK video package was also nicely done.

JBL vs. Shawn. WWE didn't go too heavy into "HBK's wife reaction shots," which was a wise choice. I have nightmares about Karen Angle. Rebecca, the wife of HBK, shows up wearing a flannel shirt and sweat pants. Because they are virtually broke. Wait, she didn't? That's odd.

I was waiting for JBL to pin HBK and to have him say, "You have failed yourself as a wrestler and you have failed yourself as a man! Your wife's coming home with me! Muhahahaha!"

We have an early winner in "The Most Absurd WWE Line of 2009!" It's "If HBK wins, he'll be emancipated!" Cough...cough...sorry, just choking on that. Abraham Lincoln? Gettysburg Address? Any of these things ring a bell? And how ridiculous it sounds when placed in the context of the JBL-HBK feud?

Here is a website that talks about various U.S. Presidents and their relationship to wrestling. Here's a picture of Abraham Lincoln in action. Body slam him, Mr. President! (credit to home.att.net for pic).

Rebecca punches JBL in the noggin. Wow, she punches better than Shane. And she can cry on cue. She was a big help in that match. HBK goes on a tear and gets the win. "The emancipation of Shawn Michaels!" Nice touching story with HBK being pumped up that his wife punched his opponent in the head. Does this mean the end to this feud? Who knows. It is up in the air right now. And who knows what possible type of match the JBL vs. HBK feud can have. The absurd idea of custody over HBK's wife? They'll find some way to lengthen it probably using JBL's complaining.

Jericho talks about defending the world championship against Flair. At least Jericho talks about how dumb that idea sounds.

Lawler: "Edge is going commit suicide by jumping off the Seattle Space Needle! Ha ha!"

Perhaps Knox hates his beard. But he knows that he shaves it off, he loses all of his appeal.

Edge knocks out Kofi and locks himself in the chamber. Guess he's in the Raw elimination chamber. I didn't have a problem with this because of several reasons...

1. The match itself didn't have much of a story
2. Jericho is apparently tied up with Flair, the rest are mid-carders
3. Potentially it is Triple H vs. Undertaker, and Edge really only had a feud with Show on Smackdown
4. It gets people talking and potentially watching to see the "Edge World Champion" story develop
5. Edge has Vickie in his back pocket, so fans can't fully dismiss the outcome

So a possible Cena vs. Orton vs. Edge at Mania? Was Edge even legal? Will the win be invalid and thus the championship belt goes back to Cena? I'm just grateful that Edge is apparently going after the World Championship, thus leaving Triple H to face Undertaker (which I feel should be left alone).

No doubt Edge being in the Raw chamber is a bit muddy and confusing, but in this case the outcome is worth the holes in logic.

Mysterio goes headfirst into a pod. Oww. I loved Kane's reaction shot to it. "Huh...sucks to be you. Muhahaha! Remember when I mutilated you in my basement?"

Cena getting pinned was a great moment. Far too often WWE have put fans through the boring "Cena wins yet uh-again." I certainly felt such vibes during Cena's return at Survivor Series and his win at Armageddon. Before Edge entered the picture, Cena being the winner was virtually a no-brainer. Kudos for WWE for shaking things up (credit to content.ytmnd.com for pic).

My goodness. The "Rey Rey" and "619" chants. If people enjoyed the back and forth with Trips and Undertaker, they were going bonkers with the possibility of Mysterio winning the World Championship. Crowd was heavily into it and thus WWE turned what was once foreseen as a boring match into a real treat for fans. Very exciting during the near falls.

FINAL SAY: The Smackdown chamber started with the shocker of Edge losing very quickly. Slowed to a crawl during the Kozlov-Show bit. Picked up when Trips and Undertaker came in, and finally became a great match with Trips vs. Taker. Time to get on the Matt vs. Jeff feud for the WWE. While there were some good parts about the Orton vs. Shane match (Shane's hardcore aura, Orton's blood) there were also some clear negatives about it. I didn't agree with the execution out of the match. Super Shane kicking out of multiple pin attempts, Orton crying and pleading for mercy, and in general just Shane garbage that was very difficult to accept. "The heart of a McMahon?" Please.

Hopefully this Orton vs. Shane deal is over. I'll rather get a month filled of WWE Movie hype (Hey, guess what! Cena's "12 Rounds!") than go through another week of this crud.

The ECW match was a bathroom break match. Swagger was nearly invisible in this match and Horny setting himself up to fall from Finlay's bounce back from the ropes was bad. Unlike most "wife/son as front row fan" matches, WWE didn't go overboard with the reaction shots. To Rebecca, credit must be given to her for adding to the match instead of taking away from it. JBL and HBK worked well here. "Edge wins the World Championship" was the story of the night. But there were also two big things about this match that I liked: Cena getting pinned early and the final moments of Rey vs. Edge. The two video packages (Orton, HBK) were also impressive.

POSITIVES

-- Undertaker vs. Triple H
-- Orton & HBK video packages
-- Edge makes Raw Elimination Chamber interesting
-- Use of Rebecca, HBK vs. JBL match had a feel good moment
-- Cena gets pinned early, Rey vs. Edge

NEGATIVES

-- Shane garbage
-- Orton vs. Shane was a train wreck, not the best execution for the characters involved (Shane puts himself over, Orton begs for mercy)
-- Finlay vs. Swagger
-- "The emancipation of Shawn Michaels!" line

NO WAY OUT VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

We suggest these recent related articles...

10/5 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Natalya vs. Paige, Owens vs. Cara, Stephanie McMahon, Sasha Banks, Xavier Woods

COLLECTIBLES COLUMN: The History of Foam Hands in Pro Wrestling

9/28 WWE Raw Hits & Misses: Kane's Split Personality, Divas Revolution, Heyman & Big Show, Reigns vs. Wyatt