By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"Not dead which eternal lie
Stranger eons death may die
Drain you of your sanity
Face the thing that should not be"

-"The Thing That Should Not Be" by Metallica

Indeed, tonight Trips became like Jason Voorhees or Freddy Kruger. But first...

Did You Know? The entire universe is watching Monday Night Raw!

That opening bit with Vickie-Cena-Show was just plain bad all around. Everybody was going through the motions. It was like Cena was expecting the crowd to swoon over his every gesture and bad joke, but it never came.

Mike Adamle should replace Vickie as the GM? Wow, WWE is really out of touch. "At least it was funny when he screwed up on live TV." Sure was funny. Sure was hilarious sitting through those ECW shows where as an announcer he made me want to hit the mute button every time the opening cords of the ECW song started. Sure was gut-busting every time he dragged the show down. And it's surely knee-slapping for fans. Not only is WWE trying to pretend that Adamle is still relevant, they are also promoting their own stupidity and ignorance. "Hey, we made a big mistake! Wasn't it unique?"

This show, in general, showed the negative effects of the "PG" side of the WWE. Just because your main demographic is kids doesn't mean you have to have cartoonish storylines (e.g. Orton-Triple H) or have Cena say statements like, "We would all agree that the joke Adamle would be a much better replacement than Vickie." How about Cena talking about how Vickie cost him the World Championship at No Way Out? Nah, let's talk about Mike Adamle who is no longer employed by WWE to get Cena over. Makes sense. Of course, maybe the alternative is Cena pandering and talking about Sally Raphael or the Brooklyn Brawler.

Even better yet, try to get some cheap hype in calling Mikey Cole a loser. That's way too easy to do to make fun of Cole. Camera shot showed Cole in a gleam in his eyes and mouthing: "That's why I love you even more." See? It's just effortless to do so.

Edge comes in with Big Show and starts talking about how Cena is this superhero straight from Saturday morning cartoons. Edge: "You want to be this generation's Bruno, Hogan, or Stone Cold. You want people who have been losing their jobs to say, 'that's my guy.'"

Once again, works great for kids. This notion of Cena being the superhero, fighting for justice and always remaining honest. "This is the person you can rest your hopes upon."

But for people older than the age of 13, its a little bit hogwash. I reside in California, where in general our state is in a mess. From the growing meth use problem to the pathetic state economy, excuse me if I can't look up to a bodybuilder with big muscles as "somebody who I can look up to." Excuse me if I can't relate to John Cena. The idea that Cena is this generation's Hulk Hogan is somewhat true. The character of John Cena is packaged, manufactured, and designed to sell to the young ones who eat it up like candy. Cena has as much street cred as the Jonas Brothers.

No one doubts his passion and work energy, but with the character of Cena, it is truly a "take it or leave it" type of deal. But that's the route WWE is going, and it works. Edge: The killer of dreams. The speaker of truth. The "I don't do dance routines anymore because I'm in a super ultra-serious feud with Cena" guy.

Did fans really need another "Show had sex with Vickie" bit? Big Show comes to Raw to have WWE tease that it might be Cena facing Edge (unlikely) or Show. But as it would turn out, they had neither. "Friend or Family?" That's the tease? Sure glad Raw wasted so much time getting to that little bit.

Orton shows up with Legacy. Scampers like a nervous bunny rabbit to his locker room. Whimper. At least they show DiBiase and Rhodes wearing clothes. Nah, there's nothing interesting about half-naked guys wearing underwear, slathered in sticky baby oil and staring into each other's eyes.

You know, two weeks ago I punted the CEO of the company I work for in the head. Yep, I did it. Did it in front of everyone in the break room. His son came out for vengeance and I punted him in the head on the front lawn. Then I broke the leg of the CEO's daughter right in front of everybody. It's not absurd that somebody from Human Resources would send me an email to "have a chat about my attitude at work." And just like Orton did on Raw, I made sure to show up to punch in my timecard so that I wouldn't get fired.

"Yeah...Um...it has come to my attention that people have been complaining about you...you know...sending people to the hospital and threatening to sue the company. I'm going to have to ask you that you stop punting management in the head. This is only a warning. Thanks a bunch." (credit to cache.boston.com for pic).

"Your 20-time Slammy award winner, The Miz!" It's Punk vs. Miz vs. Morrison in a three way dance. There were a lot of cute double moves after the commercial break. It's understandable that TV matches are set up way differently than for a PPV match. I miss Punk's anaconda vise, but WWE is more of an "explosive finish" type of wrestling company.

Replaying the Trips promo. Actually the word backstage is that Trips strained something during this promo. They should come out with a "Strained Trips" action figure. I guess the majority of WWE fans want their heroes to look like they are having a difficult time on the toilet after eating fast food. "I'm...so...constipated...and...angry!"

More of DiBiase and Rhodes wearing clothes. "If Hunter shows up, we'll be ready...to get owned by the Game."

Rock's PR group: "Come on, Dwayne. All you gotta do is cut a 20-second tease for your new Disney movie for these wrestling morons. You used to wrestle. They still believe in you!"

It's Melina-Cryme Tyme vs. Santino, Dolph and Beth. I just remembered when Cryme Tyme and Candice teamed up. Shudder.

Nothing surprising out of this match. My boy Dolph gets some time in the ring, Cryme Tyme seem somewhat credible, and Santino loses quickly. I'm not ready to pull the plug on Glamarella. I do wish that Santino was featured more doing raps against Cena or trying to do Melina's splits. Patience, Santino fans. That gorgeous son-of-a-gun will rise again.

It's not very often that fans root for a guy whose biggest move is lying in a fetal position, crying for his momma. Santino reminds me of Street Fighter IV's Dan.

Folks, prepare yourself. The best picture of 2009 will be "12 Rounds." Why, do you ask? I nearly wept in pure joy after I heard the following lines from the movie:

"Can't find my badge."
"It's on the thingy."

"Escape to Witch Mountain" is looking better already. And this is coming from a guy who saw "The Gameplan" in theaters. And no, I wasn't threatened at gunpoint to do so.

It's HBK! WWE shows shots of middle-age hotties. That Khali Kiss cam got a merciful death.

JBL vs. HBK, much like the first hour of Raw, was pretty clunky. Fans wanted this to be the last match of the feud.

HBK vs. Kozlov for next week. Yeah. "Give us a break. We got to fill up time until WrestleMania." Here is what fans learned tonight: WWE is dragging its feet.

To gratuitously drop some more SF IV knowledge, who would win in a fight? "The Moscow Mauler" Kozlov or the "Red Cyclone" Zangief? Better yet, who is more believable? (credit to media.strategywiki.org for pic).

Maybe this is the translation to Kozlov's "Pain" song:

"I wear whitey tighties
I have a neck problem
That's why I always look up
Neck pain, oh no"

WrestleMania 24 was a heck of a card.

Stone Cold is the mainstream star. The Funks are intriguing but the lack of Foley introducing Terry Funk hurts it to some degree. But what really sold me in watching the HOF is the induction of Ricky Steamboat. And the idea that WWE might do a work with Jericho beating up HOFs at the show (that's highly unlikely, as the Hall of Fame show tries to pass off as the Academy Awards for wrestlers). Nice move with Steamboat coming up next. I smell Jericho.

Before Steamboat started to talk, I was reminded of the bit in Jericho's book about how he got a picture with Steamboat when he was a tyke.

Steamboat does his bit, then Jericho comes out to talk about how Rourke lost the Oscar. I wonder what type of promo Jericho would have done if Rourke did win the Oscar. Probably something around the lines of "Rourke glorifies a savage and stupid man who cannot let go of the past and is bleeding the industry dry. It sickens me."

You want to know how great Jericho's promo was?

"Glorified Karate Kid"
"Feeding into stereotypes"
"You became a circus freak"
"Life-long sellout"
"The loyal dog gets his bone"

The analysis Jericho put on was razor-sharp, and it tremendously helped Steamboat, as Steamboat would later answer the criticisms of Jericho while also questioning the moral fiber of Jericho. Plus they brought up the Jericho's picture bit with Steamboat, which tickled my fancy.

I think for a lot of new fans who don't know about the legends, WWE usually just paint a broad picture of "they were really great people." One could agree with both men on their arguments, it just depends on which side you choose to take. Both had valid points.

Sadly, Trips-Orton doesn't have this level of insight. At all. But more on that later.

Did You Know? We're the best! Here are some facts that prove our point! Never mind what we're not telling you!

Todd Grisham is in the parking lot waiting for the arrival of Triple H. It's considerate of Trips. Not showing up to the very end of the show. Maybe the excuse would be that Trips was at the hotel, working on his "strained" face on a mirror. Or maybe he just circled around the arena 'till the very right moment. Bless those guys, circling around the streets in their rented car, and waiting till the last ten minutes of the show to arrive.

Vickie comes out to let the WWE folks know that they have been had. Cena: "I didn't see that coming." The rest of us didn't see that coming, either. Out comes the gopher Chavo. On the bright side, there's the Trips-Orton confrontation coming up next. Smackdown sure got a lot of love on Raw. Jeff vs. Matt? Cena promises to creepily stalk Vickie and to adjust the attitude of Show?

In these situations (Noble vs. Knox, Cena vs. Chavo), there's not much incentive to watch it. Change the channel. Fast-forward it. At least it's short.

So while main tease #1 was nothing more than a bait and switch, surely main tease #2 would be better.

Orton: "I am the victim." Orton comes out to do damage control for his character, but it's really pointless. Fans are shown on a continuous basis that Orton is afraid to man up. This works great for the younger audience, as WWE will tease that the coward heel Orton will finally get his by Triple. But for those older than age 13, this is garbage. For Orton fans, this is sickening. And for those who just want to see a real struggle and conflict between Trips and Orton, you are denied.

WWE just looked really out of touch here. They prove how smart their writers are in talking about why Orton did what he did and how he's not the bad guy ("Vince insulted my family, Shane made fun of male models, etc.") but when Orton said the line, "I have IED," I fell off my couch laughing.

IED is a real disorder. But anybody with any common sense can tell you that Orton's "I have IED" is an embarrassing joke. It just doesn't fit. It just doesn't work. The character of Orton is so murky right now that I can't tell what I should feel for him. I surely don't believe he's this badass. And I surely don't believe that I should hate him for being WWE's version of Tom Cruise. ("You can't imagine the pressure put on me! I'm a celebrity! Woe is me and my eternal misfortune!") I just want Orton to man up and to become a real challenge for Trips to face. Instead fans get all of this junk that is just not working.

Did You Know? Our shows are nothing but stale formulas built on by previous successes! We're so old!

"I have IED." Just painful. "You don't know how tough it is to be a male model! The constant posing! People telling you what to do! The pressure!"

(Author's note: if you happen to be a male model reading this, I apologize for my bashing of male models and inferring them as weak. Here is a new list of toughness, from "toughest" to "weakest")

1. Triple H
2. Shane McMahon
...
1,236. Santino
1,237. Dandelions
1,238. Randy Orton
1,239. A Gentle Breeze

Trips comes out. Hey, Trips and Orton both have sledgehammers. They cut a promo:

Trips: "My sledgehammer is bigger than your sledgehammer."
Orton: "Oh...my...That thing is massive. Look at mine. It's so tiny." (credit to s.bebo.com for pic).

Maybe that's what the writers spent all of their time on. The whole "let's give Trips a massive sledgehammer because he's an alpha male and let's give Orton a little dinky one." To really drive home the point, Trips and Orton both drop their sledgehammers. Could fans actually get an actual struggle between the two?

Nope.

Trips pulls out another massive object from his pants and Orton runs away scared. Figures.

Backstage, we have a Ricky Ortiz sighting. Rhodes got knocked out, so it's Orton and DiBiase running for their lives. They lock themselves into a room. Suddenly Triple H has become Jason Voorhees from the "Friday the 13th" movies. He's this unstoppable monster killer. Playing the scared teenagers are Orton and DiBiase. How did I come to this conclusion?

Hearing Orton yell, "Barricade the door!" And they proceed to do so. Ha ha ha. Triple H is Jason Voorhees! Come on, Trips! Smash those puny teenagers in the head with your weapon! Oh no, the monster is coming in! Ahhh! Run away! We can't defend for ourselves! We can't take the weapon out of his hands! We can't overpower him, even though we outnumber him! It's the monster Triple H! Run! Run everybody!

Check out http://randy-orton.com/ to see pics of Orton running for his life.

The Raw writers would argue that this bit featured destruction. "Wasn't that cool? Triple H smashed a window with his massive object." Sure. They sure did a great job of portraying Orton like Santino, minus the funny quips. And if mindless destruction with no regard to character development is all the rage, frankly Raw could have just shown a monster truck rally...or Triple H smashing cars with his massive object. You know what's more important than mindless destruction? Character development. Logic. PPV Buys. And the resistance to throw my controller through the TV screen. That's my opinion, of course.

Hands down, if you asked me if I wanted to pay to see Trips vs. Orton tomorrow, my answer would be a resounding no. Why would I pay to see a chump loser like Orton fight against the alpha male Trips? I don't doubt that there are people in WWE who think that the direction that this Orton-Trips angle is taking is just junk, but the main idea that WWE is stressing here is that it's all about the majority.

WWE expects the majority of their fans to accept the character of Orton as this wimpy male model surrounded by his two other male models. I don't know how the character of Orton got to this point. How do you go from punting Vince McMahon in the head into becoming just another version of Santino?

It works great for kids. Orton plays the cowardly heel and Trips gets to go on a warpath out to get him. "Oh, if only Trips can get his hands on that coward Orton." Woo.

But for the rest of us...this is all just so stupid. I can't wrap my head around it. I understand why they do it, but this show would be a fine example of everything that is wrong with the WWE product (minus the Steamboat-Jericho promo).

FINAL SAY: No way about it: this show was awful. I haven't enjoyed any of the WrestleMania angles so far. Cena is going to stalk Vickie? Orton is running away scared from Triple H? Is there going to be an actual storyline to HBK vs. Undertaker? This is crud.

The opening was long and showed that WWE was out of touch. Punk vs. Miz vs. Morrison had some "cute" spots but wasn't great. The Santino match was predictable and was just there. HBK vs. JBL wasn't much. Cena vs. Chavo? Please. Wrestling fans are used to bait and switches, but the biggest thing coming out of the Cena-Edge feud tonight was Cena saying that he would show up on Smackdown tapings. That's it.

It was like every bit, except for the Steamboat-Jericho promo, was directly ripped off from the archives. Everything was by the book. Fans got teases, examples of how out of touch WWE is, and other drab, trivial items.

Did You Know? This is the greatest show in the history of television!

RAW'S FINAL VERDICT: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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