by Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Four in the morning
Crapped out, yawning
Longing my life away
I'll never worry
Why should I?
It's all gonna fade"

-"Still Crazy After All These Years" by Paul Simon

(Friendly reminder: please drive safe out there)

Ah, spring. We've got the baseball season starting on Sunday. We've got football gossip where more people in Chicago are talking more about Jay Cutler than Blagojevich being indicted. Final Four is this week. NBA almost at the playoffs. And, oh yeah, some wrestling doohickey this week.

Impact does have a leg up on WWE programming lately. WWE is largely concerned with presenting "showcase matches" hyping up Wrestlemania. Off to Impact we go.

The title of the show is "Still Crazy After All These Years." You see, Mick Foley's venturing into slightly dangerous crazy heel vibe because he woke up on the crazy side of the bed this week. That's helpful for TNA. Something just snapped inside Foley and now's he dangerous.

Is Joe's gonna torture MEM? Who will lead team TNA? And does Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins have damaging pictures of Jeff Jarrett? Hmm. Paul Simon and a Smashing Pumpkins reference on an Impact. You can't plan for TNA.

Foley: "Nobody's talking about that other wrestling show in April. They're talking about Lockdown. Which is three weeks away. Watch as we hype up this bad boy. A lot. We're not piggybacking on the Wrestlemania hype. No way. By the way, I'm dangerous now." (credit to wrestlingupdateonline.com for pic).

We're talking about Lockdown for these reasons:
(1) Jeff Jarrett - How does the wise old sage keep getting forced to fight in TNA?
(2) Team 3D vs. Beer Money Feud
(3) You know, Abyss vs. Morgan doesn't have to happen. It's not written in stone.
(4) Can TNA have three stinky PPVs in a row?

Foley: "Instead of reliving history we'll be making it." A good deal of TNA criticism deals from the fact that their wrestlers/announcers say one thing but TNA shows another. Uh, Foley, you're the one who brought up the "elbow drop on Sting" from 18 years ago. Many of Impact viewers weren't even alive yet. In this report I will number the amount of times this "we say one thing but we show something that contradicts what we just said" happens. We're at "Contradict Example #1."

I wonder if Jeff Jarrett even knows how to play the guitar. I wonder if Joe will ever kill somebody with that wacky knife of his. If wrestling has taught me one thing, Triple H himself can take sledgehammer shots to the skull and be fine the next week.

JJ talks about how TNA plans to drag this Lethal Lockdown sumabitch out. We understand that these "Man Advantage" aren't really advantageous at all, they are just put in there to fill time until the PPV. "There's only one problem," the wise old Jarrett says. Yes, you're right. This is confusing as well. Like with most of TNA's ridiculous match stipulations (Abyss vs. Morgan can't be a First Blood match. You have to make the other guy bleed before you can pin him), I ignore it.

The master of the chin stroke Jeff Jarrett calls out AJ. AJ, with the TNA Legends championship over his shoulder, talks about how he really hasn't accomplished anything (Contradict Example #2). Don't put your faith in the TNA originals. They're liable to break your heart.

What I mean is that TNA will find some way to either butcher their character or make them out into jokes. It's great for new viewers that the announcers talk about how great AJ is, but old TNA viewers know that two months down the road AJ could be in another forgotten feud. Whether it's the wrestler's fault or it's TNA's fault is up for question. But a lot of it stems from the lack of future planning TNA does.

AJ comes out here to decline the offer. The crowd cries out. Claims that the TNA originals have let the great Jarrett down. Does AJ mean that the TNA originals failed to bust their ass in the ring? No. What he means is that the TNA originals don't get MEM heat, so they're just "big fat failure turtles" (about the only thing I remember Edge doing in this Mania hype).

Jarrett strokes his chin and reluctantly decides to become captain. It seemed like Jarrett stroked his chin (he does it whenever he is pretending to be deep in thought or mulling over what the person said). Good things that came out of AJ declining the offer to become captain are that at very least he got some hype and the Styles vs. Steiner match got some background. The negatives? AJ looks like a wussbag and Jarrettmania runs wild. Watcha gonna do, brother? I'm going to forgo any responsibility and be happy by merely settling.

That's what Mick Foley told viewers. I don't settle. I take chances. I will take risks to achieve my dreams. AJ doesn't do that.

Steiner comes down in his snazzy outfit. West says, "you know it's worth listening to Steiner!" Which is wrestling-speak for, "Don't change the channel! Please!"

Steiner says that the entire roster except for MEM is full of nobodies and wannabes. Okay. No such thing as hinting of future potential. Nope, they just all suck and you should only watch MEM. They were chumps before, they're chumps now, and they'll be chumps in the future.

I don't do this for a living, but maybe, just perhaps, there's a better way of pumping up MEM as a dominant heel force without resorting to having a wrestler claim that "everybody sucks but us!"

Steiner wants Jeffy to join MEM. Jeff strokes his chin. Apparently Jarrett's wife told Steiner before she died this: "Help Jeff take care of my girls!" Can I vote for Jarrett's dead wife/living daughters not mentioned on Impact? Ever? It's just weird.

Plus hearing this from Steiner, who hangs around with jailbait and curses little kids in the front row, was odd.

Steiner: "You need to trust the future with MEM. With old guys." (Contradict Example #3.) TNA in general just doesn't do a very good job of building up new talent. Sure, you'll get a push, but it will be short-lived and you'll be dropped out of sight the next month.

Borash's catchphrase: "Care to elaborate?" At least they're not running a month-long bit of "What's in Booker's briefcase of mystery? Will we ever find out?" (credit to tristarproductions.com for pic).

Jenna? Amazon? Wha? Probably a mistake when meeting new people is to announce that you're loaded and give off the impression that you're a naive dolt.

They did go into great length of Foley hitting Sting with a chair. Maybe the lesson here is that they'll only try to explain a character's seemingly random motivation for top stars.

Can't say that I'm really buying the whole '80s heel foreigners Bashir and No Limit are doing. What I can say is that I'm laughing really hard of Kiyoshi bumping into people and knocking things over in his Kool-Aid Man outfit cuz he can't see a damn thing (credit to edinformatics.com for pic).

LAX. The whole "Feast or Fired" briefcase has little weight. Time limit on those bad boys is "whenever the writers feel like it."

Bell rings. Immediately Tenay says, "Boy, we sure have some ground to cover." This is what X Division matches are:

Match starts--> Main Event Hype --> "Great teamwork by team X"--> TNA hype --> MEM Hype --> Other Impact Match Hype---> PPV match Hype regarding X Division --> "They're turning the match in the favor of their side" ---> More Main Event Hype --> Show Hype --> "Person X needs to take control of this thing" --> Calls the finish --> Match ends.

The X Division matches are not wrestling matches. They are "TNA four-minute hype super dumps." They are an ineffective way of TNA pushing nearly everything in the span of four minutes while the X Division does things in the ring that will be forgotten about (thanks largely to the announcers).

Plus I'm not a supercomputer. I can choose either to listen to the announcers talking about Angle and Sting drama or watch the X Division do their thing. I can't do both.

Apparently LAX became tag team champs somewhere, according to the announcers. Visual proof? Nah, take our word for it (Contradict Example #4). Tenay talks about how great the TNA talent is. Who minutes ago Steiner just said largely consisted of a bunch of nobodies and wannabes (Contradict Example #5). West chimes in that the X Division talent is off the charts. But y'all can't bother to even watch the hot talent (Contradict Example #6).

If we didn't care about the X Division we wouldn't be down in the dumps about how the X Division is being treated these days. Hell, even Madison Rayne vs. Taylor Wilde got some attention by the announcers.

Tenay: "Was Bashir the legal man in that match?" I don't know, Professor. I assumed that since it's your pretend job of calling the action you could at least convey to the fans that you bothered to watch the match at all. West chimes in with his heelish thoughts: "Anything he's gotta do to win." Wow. That felt authentic. A quick lame-ass five second replay shows Bashir getting a victory in a match that I, nor a lot of viewers, can remember one damn move that happened.

Apparently we're all supposed to be zonked out and be ready to change the channel at a moment's notice. I mean, if you get bored with X Division wrestling in four minutes (because that's exactly how long X Division matches last), I don't know what you do with an MVP vs. Shelton Benjamin match on Smackdown that lasts 15 minutes. I should really start watching the X Division matches with the volume off. Or maybe TNA could have a Paul Simon song playing in the background while the X Division whipping boys do their thang.

Back to obviously more important matters. The con man himself Jarrett is (what else) stroking his chin, deep in own thoughts. Foley, apparently a lonely and bitter man, yells out in his best drunk voice: "How do you find logic in an illogical business? We're supposed to have fun!" He then mentions a Beach Boys song.

That crazy bastard Cactus Jack joins MEM? Could be. Crazy, I just can't sleep, I'm so excited, I'm in too deep, oh crazy, but it feels all right, something something keeps me up all night...(an absurd non-prize will be awarded if you can name the song and the artist in the posts. If you don't know the answer, you're probably better off for it).

The Beautiful People come out and say that the Impact audience is just a bunch of "wild, perverted dogs thinking what they'll do to the Beautiful People." One, you're right, two, a typical dog has all of its teeth, and three, I guess there is nothing sexually suggestive about the "rope burn" you gals do.

I don't do this for a living, but I kinda figured there would have been more work put into the characters of the Beautiful People. I never got their appeal. They same the same crap you heard 1,000 times before from other self-absorbed heels.

Here, I will throw one out. Suppose Velvet Sky came out and said, "West, you must be lazy. Because it's a fact that ugly people are lazy. There's no excuse not to look like a freak with the benefits of skin products that are tested on baby seals and plastic surgery that requires thousands of dollars. I guess ugly people are not only lazy, they are poor as well. Guess y'all can't be like us, The Beautiful People. Tenay, you have thin lips. Thin lips are ugly. Wear this bag over your head. Geez. What stinks in here? It must be all of you stinky pigs." See? Totally free.

The Beautiful People then tell fans that they are lucky to breathe the same air. Oh? What are you gonna do? Give me a slight thrashing? Spray some gimmick water from your gimmick spray?

Heels are a weird bunch of TNA. If they are not saying the same cookie-cutter crap you heard 1,000 times before, they're going for the shock value with stuff like Bashir saying that he enjoys raping America. How about we strive for entertaining? And it's okay to laugh while the heels are making fun of you.

Commerical break: TNA is back on the road of hyping up demonic gimmick matches that are straight from Satan's evil bunghole. Is it a wrestling match or a torture chamber in Hades? Can't tell.

Sit-down interview with Foley. "Drunk" is the new "heel." Weird-ass cutting here. It looks bad. Surprised that there wasn't a flashing strobe light or a model in a bikini at the bottom of the screen, considering our really short attention spans. I mean, X Division matches last 240 seconds. That's too long. Frankly they should be able to do that in under two minutes. At least they answered the thought of Foley becoming champ. "Why the hell not?" Why not indeed. You don't sound bitter at all.

Well, we have had our violence so far, so let's get some of humor in this three-ring circus. Why the duck are we in Stevie's office uhgain? Impresses me that bits TNA probably filmed in a Saturday in February somehow keep rearing their ugly head. Let's try to help out poor Abyss, shall we?

Maybe you should stop going to Dr. Stevie as he is prone to violence and takes out his aggression on you.

Maybe you should stop wearing the outfit they gave you while you were in asylum to convince yourself that you're getting better.

Maybe you should get a new outfit.

Maybe there's more to life than taking glass shards bumps. Glass shards on fire? Now we're talking.

Watching these bits, it feels like all of us are lying on a couch, talking to a therapist. "I feel like...like...I'm in a dream where TNA is wasting my time." Logic is overrated. Can we get Dr. Stevie and Abyss talking at Gatorland? Because I sure don't watch these bits for the performances. Give me Jericho, I'll watch. Abyss? A pop-reference and the rest is filler.

A damn good Rough Cut bit. Hyped up Team 3D being hardcore and the Philly love Team 3D will get at the PPV. Roughcuts are really effective when they are placed in the proper context. Looking back, a lot of them were just time filler or counter-productive (Sojo Bolt's, Kiyoshi, Beer Money, etc.). I would praise TNA if they brought out Santa Claus so that those rabid Philly fans can boo him. Logic in an illogical business? Who cares about that?

Those mafia stereotypes Rocco and Big Sally come out to face Team 3D. Not sure why Ray had to sell fear to overweight guys wearing clothes to hide to their flab. Near the end of the match damned if Rocco wasn't sucking the air out of the entire arena. Beer Money vs. Team 3D is really simple, but it's refreshing and pretty darned good. Beer Money vs. Team 3D is looking to be the most credible choice to check out the PPV so far.

TNA actually follows up with a Beer Money interview in the back talking about how they're friends with Team 3D...or more to the point that we've got three weeks to fill. We're used to totally separate bits on Impact not being followed up on. No drunk James Storm. Well done.

Weird seeing Angle look like a little kid apologizing for breaking old man Sting's window. At this point of the show things felt to be clicking. The Angle-Sting drama was actually interesting and having Foley up at the rafters like a deranged madman was fresh and "nutslapping good." I'm trying to get that copyrighted.

Dr. Stevie. No! Daffney talks about oddjobs while piano plays in the back. Why should I care? At least they finally got rid of that "Fake Palin" bizness. "The brain just has a life of its own." Delivered in campy B-grade horror movie badness.

For the most part you would call West to be a "poser hater," meaning that for the most part his new gig in Impact is to randomly chime in the opposite of what Tenay says. But often you will hear stuff like "The Beautiful People are trying to help people and they don't realize it." Good stuff.

Apparently TNA security are not prepared to handle the threat of people holding paper-scissors in their hands.

Jenna? Amazon? Wha? Skip.

No West-Tenay beef. West likes to say "It's one of those things...It's one of those situations...it's one of those..." AJ's bridging suplex of jailbait Steiner was impressive.

Joe and Sharmell try to recreate the controversial magic that was Orton-Stephanie. But they chickened out and had Joe apparently kidnap Sharmell. No way did Joe gently put Sharmell down in the back. Maybe they'll do the finish to the movie "Seven" with Joe, Sharmell and Booker. Then they can hype up for two months "what's in the box of mystery?"

I can say that I enjoyed this Impact. It's obvious that there are a lot of old nagging negatives about the TNA product (X Division, Knockouts, Beautiful People, Dr. Stevie badness) but I'll take what I can with Beer Money vs. Team 3D feud (which I feel is working well) and MEM vs. Team TNA, which was handled well tonight. Joe was Joe, meaning Joe's a badass but there's no real reason to care or root for his badassery (credit to slam.canoe.ca for pic).

And for the record, Mr. Jarrett did the "deep in thought chin stroking motion" 12 times. Maybe that could be an over/under option in a PWTorch.com's "Place Your Bets" contest for Impact.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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