By Marc Warzecha, WWS editor and Torch contributor

WWS has exclusive post WrestleMania news that you simply won't read anywhere else! And for good reason: most of it is wrong, and all of it is completely false. Let's get into the news!

WWS WRESTLEMAINA NEWSBITS

VINCE AND SHANE MCMAHON STILL BACKSTAGE STARING THOUGHTFULLY AT SPACE WHERE TRIPLE H WAS ONCE STANDING...
(Continuing story)

WHO THE HELL PUT THAT GIANT WASTEBASKET RIGHT IN FRONT OF MICKEY ROURKE?
(Just thinking out loud...)

IF JBL QUITS IN THE MIDDLE OF A WRESTLEMAINA AND THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO CARE, DOES HE MAKE A SOUND?

WWS WRESTLEMAINA TOP STORIES
EMPEROR MCMAHON DEBUTS HIS CENA CLONE ARMY!
(Science News)

There had been growing concern within WWE that John Cena would be unable to maintain his current hectic schedule of being a WWE Superstar, ambassador for the company, giant movie star, and all around swell guy.

Emperor McMahon - currently serving as Chairman of the Board of WWE and Dark Lord of the Sith – shared these concerns and thus created a John Cena Clone Army.

The Clones debuted at WrestleMania 25. Once they were in their proper position in the aisleway, Emperor McMahon gave the directive "Order 66." At this point, The Clones were supposed to betray and kill the entire WWE roster, and then take over the world.

Due to an apparent malfunction in their genetic engineering, instead of becoming evil the clones merely began to do the "you can't see me" hand wave in unison.

Vince McMahon reportedly exploded backstage, blaming everyone around him for the error, and screaming something about this looking like "Goddamn Mickey Mouse-WCW style-cloning bullsh--!"

GOD WINS AGAIN!
(Houston, Tex.)

In a huge WrestleMania 25 swerve, God came down to Earth in human form and defeated Randy Orton to retain the WWE Championship.

While it appeared that Randy Orton's opponent was actually WWE Superstar Triple H – already a God-like figure gracing the rest of us mere mortals with his presence – it became clear that Triple H was indeed divine when he took the RKO in the opening minutes of the match and was barely affected.

The parting shot on WrestleMania was – of course – God holding the title aloft in the air as legions worshipped him.

Amen.

DIVAS RETURN TO WWE!
(25 Diva match news)

One of the highlights of WrestleMania 25 was the return of some of the most beloved Divas in WWE history!

WWS is able to confirm that current WWE Divas were joined in the match by:

Sunny (maybe), Mae Young (oh, wait – she's the time keeper? Do they keep time for the matches any more?), that one woman who I think is married to Charlie Hass, Sunny (it's definitely Sunny they just said that she was the most downloaded woman in '96 or something...and she just got eliminated), Melina (or did she come back already?), Jackie Gayda! (That's her name, I think. Yeah, the one I mentioned earlier who is married to Hass), Molly Holly, and...why didn't they just announce these people?

SANTINA HIT ON BY RIC FLAIR
(WWE backstage news)

Notorious womanizer and WWE Hall of Famer "Nature Boy" Ric Flair accidentally hit on Santino Marella backstage at WrestleMania while Santino was dressed as his "twin sister Santina."

Flair, who is 60 and can't afford to be as choosy as he once was, decided to move in quickly on the surprised cross-dresser.

"Hey, hot stuff," Flair crooned. "Me and the old Horsemen are drinking at the Houston Marriott hotel bar after WrestleMania tonight. Want to join us? We'll have a couple of drinks, then move up to my suite and party Horsemen-style.

"Horsemen style means that you get to ride Space Mountain, JJ's in the closet the whole time with a camcorder, and at some point in the evening I'm gonna gig myself and bleed all over the place.

"I can budge on the videotaping, but the juice is non-negotiable. The Naitch is just old school that way. So what do you say, sweethart?"

When Santino revealed his true identity, Flair was understandably humiliated and confronted the nearby WrestleMania announce team.

"Guys, why didn’t you tell me that was Santino?!"

"Santino?" Cole asked. "Where?"

MICKEY ROURKE SAVES THE DAY!
(Legends news)

That dastardly Chris Jericho beat all of The Legends at WrestleMania 25, but Mickey Rourke was on hand to save the day!

Rourke knocked Jericho out with one punch.

He thus restored the honor of the WWE Legends and showed the world that just like his character Randy "The Ram" in "The Wrestler," old wrestlers should hang on to the business as long as they can, continue to put their heath at risk for one more payday, and do anything to get in the spotlight one final time no matter the personal cost.

That story always has a happy ending.

WWS IS CONTINUING TO WORK ON THESE BREAKING WRESTLEMAINA STORIES:

RELIANT ARENA EMPLOYEES REFUSE TO USE STOREROOM – INSTEAD STICK ALL OF THEIR CRAP UNDER THE RING
(Or, "there has to be some reason for it, right?" news)

"FYI – I'M ACTUALLY A MANIACAL MURDERER"
(Guest editorial by: The Joker)

"I REALLY LOVED THIS JOB UNTIL THE UNDERTAKER ALMOST KILLED ME AND HIMSELF"
(Exclusive interview with: That one cameraman)

Email WWS editor Marc R. Warzecha at TorchWarz@yahoo.com.

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