By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"So here I am, on the road again
There I am, up on the stage
And here I go, playin' star again
There I go
Turn the page"

-"Turn The Page" by Bob Seger

Hey, y'all. Do you like fishsticks? Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth? Then you must be a gay fish (this only makes sense to those who saw the latest episode of South Park).

"Tonight may shock you" proudly proclaims TNA in their opening montage. Truth be told this was a weird-ass show. Of course, TNA goes crazy with blood and guts of that six sides of steel that bleeds, but I've grown immune to it.

Did like the opening, as TNA shows visuals of blood and guts to the tune of a sleazy machine gun beat. It's not a wrestling show. There's going to be some freaky s--- that's going down. "You're going to see reprehensible rancor! Take that, Vince!" And after watching the show, not a whole lot of "reprehensible actions" occurred. But a boatload of hyperbole was involved.

I miss the Paul Simon reference TNA did last week. But TNA's "We Like Violence" can swerve people who have gotten sick of the whole corporate double-speak Saturday morning cartoon nature of WWE programming. "WWE Superstars?" Eh. Reminds me of those Sunday Night Heat on MTV glory days.

Of course, the devil is in the execution, and TNA...well, tonight they weren't so hot.

MEM comes down to the ring for more MEM talking. TNA pumps up their "Lockdown Man Advantage," but it has little weight. So there can be bits of two vs. one for five minutes? Whooo. Of course, this is TNA, where it's expected that Chris Sabin and Alex Shelly are in the fight of their lives against one Mick Foley.

Yes indeed, the reprehensible act Joe did was giving Sharmell a piggy back ride.

MVP of tonight was Sting. A good Sting promo, and the founder of TNA Jeff resists to stroke his chin. Thing takes a nose dive with asking Steiner to give off a thoughtful promo (he's better at flipping the bird at fans and cursing them). Music plays. Is it Mick Foley? No, it's...

MCMG? With New Japan titles. Wha? When is the last time we have seen MCMG on Impact?

I got to say that it takes balls to say that you're in the back playing Resident Evil 5 and Street Fighter IV while you are in the same ring with Angle, Sting, Jarrett, Nash and Steiner. I thought that MEM would have beaten the crap out of MCMG right then and there.

Who the hell was Shelly talking to? He was facing the hard camera but his promo was talking to Jarrett. So odd. I stopped paying attention to his rambling and wondering if he knew where the camera was...or if he was making TNA pay.

Remember dangerous, crazy Foley last week? This week he's a Muppet. Cool beans. He's gonna tweak the match. Because forbid we see an actual Foley match that doesn't have weapons in it.

TNA For The Record = WWE Did You Know?

If you played the "TNA Founder Drinking Game" tonight, I pity your hangover. Foley's in the back, playing Jeff's guitar that has no strings. KC & The Sunshine Band reference. Do applaud TNA for putting into question both the loyalty of Foley and Jarrett.

Hey, there's a big-ass "TNA Founder" poster on Jeff's door. Oh, yeah.

Main thing to mention about the Bashir vs. Suicide match is that the announcers went into length about how Bashir feels he is a "victim". Heel West talks about how Bashir was born here and that how everybody hates him because they're easy to hate anything. Good stuff.

Reverse piledriver. Yikes. Bashir gets his hype. Next month it can be forgotten, but at least there was a point to that X Division match. And, oh yeah, ref Hebner was distracted for a full 30 seconds. They never do learn, do they?

Well, let's face it. We're all supposed to lose our minds when somebody turns off the lights and (gasp) Suicide has mysteriously vanished! Using his videogame character superpowers!

Petty Officer Jesse Neal is with Rhino in the back. I liked this, as it was a nice breather from the "blood, guts, anger, and violence" TNA usually shows nonstop on their programming. They showed us what happened to the USS Cole while in I was in the boot camp for the Navy (where I learned the true value of a toenail clipper...I'm not joking). At first glance, fans would have taken this to be a scam. This is pro wrestling, and a wrestling company is not above (sadly) of playing on emotions. But it checks out, though at first glance Jesse Neal is in his navy whites but doesn't have military regulation sideburns or hair length. Rhino gonna train Neal. Hello, Bashir. Check out this page.

Meanwhile Raisha Saeed is getting a haircut. Oh-kay. Cut to commercial. After the commercial break, they replayed...Saeed getting her locks chopped off. Thankfully, they play some footage of Seth Rogen's movie "Observe And Report" beside the reprehensible and controversial bit of hair being cut off. Horrifying. I was crying and puking at the same time.

The Team 3D academy talks about Frontline, who we all thought didn't exist. To become a wrestler, it takes dedication, hard work, and an uncanny, unwilling nature to learn and adapt. And $5,000. In cash. Do agree with Ray about the influx of wrestling punks who think the world should be delivered to them, but I have heard horror stories about the training conditions of WWE's development program.

Oh man. Sit-down interview with Tenay and Sting. Big thing out of this was the golden days of 1994, where it was Jack vs. Vader. WCW failed to build on this "you tore off my ear, you son of a bitch" concept. It's 2009, and it's known that Undertaker vs. HBK at WrestleMania 25 has virtually gotten the cold shoulder from WWE. Oh yeah, It's gonna be Sting's last match at Lockdown. Plus JBL, Tazz, Christian, and Gail Kim are coming down to TNA.

And the "TNA Founder Drinking Game" will be an official TNA product sold in stores. Do you want to take the ultimate challenge? (credit to sportsmedia.ign.com and my total skillz on Microsoft Paint for pic).

Lauren's pissed at Abyss. Usually it's a bad idea to shout at a psychologically damaged person who only wears a janitor's outfit. Lauren throws a fit and threatens that she's going to take this to the "Board of Directors" about Dr. Stevie's violent behavior. Go, girl. She's going to be at the next Dr. Stevie meeting.

And oh yeah, there's something about Abyss vs. Matt Morgan at the hellish, demonic torture chamber (i.e. cage match).

Any wrestling here? Nope. Foley's coming out. He talks about his son's basketball game months ago. This show is all about things months or years ago.

Favorite part of the night was when Foley was talking about Dewey since Dewey was an infant. Fan shouts, "CANE DEWEY!" You see, it was from ECW and...yeah. Plus I enjoyed the piped in crowd noise. I mean, a man talking randomly about his son's basketball game months ago wouldn't get silence. Nope.

"Dewey made me this legit birthday card. Where he proclaims his love for MCMG. I thanked my son. Then I DDTed his ass!" That was the basis of tonight. Foley talks about his sons Huey Lewis or Dewey Cox having the same haircut as the MCMG. So, naturally, Foley wants to butcher and carve up his childrens' idols. Makes sense. (credit to universalwwe.es for pic).

So after all of the trouble and randomness of Foley showing family pictures of his son having the MCMG haircut, this would presumably lead into a haircut match. Ha ha, you marks. Of course not. It's a first blood match.

Son's basketball game --> birthday card showing MCMG love ---son has MCMG haircut--> naturally, a first blood match! And I want Sting out there too!

Later in the evening, MCMG would even put up those New Japan tag team titles on the line. Because they were so confident. Or more like TNA was so worried that nobody would watch MCMG vs. Foley that they added a ridiculous stipulation.

Is Foley trying to sabotage TNA with bits like these? I mean, I'm surprised that there hasn't been a backstage skit where Angle is talking about how Foley might be Papa Vince's secret agent.

"I'm going to carve up my kids' heroes like a thanksgiving turkey." Somebody call social services.

Book gets all serious and says that tonight he's not going to do entertaining comedy. He then launches into his Joe promo. No, eh, sorry, you're still doing comedy.

Booker's going to have Kurt by his side. A.J. is going to back up Joe. Hell, let's just have the entire roster at ringside. And put up titles from another organization in Japan on the line. Apparently TNA has solved it's "our belts have as much significance as pocket lint" by having an influx of titles.

They're really pushing that "nation of violence" catchphrase. It might be the winner of the 2009 Absurd Awards for best catchphrase. Course, there's really no competition.

TNA truly gives a crap about Lockdown. I haven't gotten this much TNA PPV hype in a long while. In the past learning that the TNA PPV was this Sunday would blindside ya.

Joe did some "unspeakable things" to Sharmell. That terrible piggy-back ride. Reprehensible. Ghastly. How could you, TNA?

Ok, it's kayfabe time. Want to learn how to defeat Booker T? It's easy. Just text "ABSURD" to 44544 to get the secret scoop. Because I just can't come out and tell you. You got to pay me money before I can pay you something that you can find out on the internet. Oh, all right. Because I'm such a generous guy, this is how to beat Booker, taken from the offense that Joe did to pin Booker for the 3 count.

How To Defeat Booker

19 punches + 2 chokes + 4 kicks + 1 Karate Chop + Booker Takes A Turnbuckle Bump + 1 Kick To Shoulder + 1 Powerslam = Ultimate Victory.

Damn, Book. Thought you were going to take that sucka to school. Guess Dwayne Johnson was right about you all along. Thomas Jefferson, sucka! Tomorrow we'll find out that Sharmell has left Booker because he's such a wimp. Why bother giving Booker promo time talking about how Joe's ass is his when Booker just chumps it out in the ring?

But then again, he could be back in WWE where, if not faced with a feud with Jerry Lawler, he's getting owned by the returning super indestructible robot Trips. You can't tell from the picture but Triple H is actually smiling. He's filled with joy. Pure happiness. (credit to kupywrestlingwallpapers.info for pic).

Hey, it's PPV hype time. It's the "Queen of the Cage Match", which already won't suck as hard as the Miss WrestleMania match. The IWGP Jr. Tag team belts are on the line in some tag team match.

Hey, its Cody Deaner time, and they're doing some zany comedy in Universal Studios. I'm a redneck, man! Yeah! Cody Deaner meets Woody Pecker. ODB, doing what she does best, grabs Woody's nuts. Hey, groping a mascot. Now that's reprehensible. There's only one option in these bits: over the top. I do admit that I liked how Deaner got a simple peck on the cheek from ODB after the wackiness was over. I kinda expected ODB to jump Deaner in front of everybody. And that sicko Woody Wood Pecker to join in (credit to soloimagen.net for pic)

If you think my taste for comedy is subpar, perhaps you haven't checked out "The Osbournes: Reloaded" on FOX and their "special" brand of comedy. Deaner time is the equivalent of a jumping monkey trying its darnedst to get any sort of positive reaction.

Team 3D applaud themselves more in the rough cuts.

MCMG push Donkey Kong with those belt buckles (e.g. IWGP tag team belts) on their waist. Sabin: "We wouldn't do this if we didn't think we could win." Well, geez, video game players, I thought two vs. one would put the odds in your favor.

It seems that MCMG always blur the line between "cocky heels" and "we're pissed at evil TNA, so we're gonna to make them pay with our promos and matches."

It's Steiner vs. James Storm. Ray and Devon are on commentary. Apparently their tag team match at Lockdown is going to rip a fabric in time and space from just the sheer awesomeness of it all. You cannot think of a bigger tag team match. It's going to usher in a new wave of thinking. Time was marked by Before Christ (B.C.) and After Death (A.D.). After Team 3D and Beer Money hook up in Philly, time will be marked by team 3D (0 3D). If Ray catches anybody calling team 3D a pretty good tag team and not the freaking best tag team of freaking all time, he's gonna pulverize them. Or sit on them.

Not much of a match here with Steiner and Storm. Ray pumps up "Welcome to The Jungle" and gives more clout of one day Ray becoming a wrestling announcer.

After Team 3D leaves, heel West chimes in: "I don't like their attitude." What attitude? I thought that since you're a heel announcer you could point up the fact that team 3D are idiots and are weak for trusting Beer Money.

Some guh with Kong and Angelina Love. Feels like they were trying to stretch a one-hour show into two. In the past, it would have been "Let's check in to see how Deaner and ODB are doing on their date!"

If you're playing the TNA Founder drinking game, you probably don't even want to look at another alcoholic product ever. Try some virgin martinis. It's what all the boys over in Orton's Legacy drink.

Yep, that really gets my goat. My kids idolize John Cena over me. So logically I'm going to swing a barbwire bat at Cena's head. I'm gonna make him bleed. "See? Look! We went to all of this trouble of making this MCMG vs. Foley have a storyline! We picked up on a forgotten storyline we left in the dust many months ago and made it relevant! Yay!"

To recap...

-- Main Event of WWE Raw: Vince McMahon vs. Randy Orton
-- Main Event of TNA Impact: Mick Foley vs. MCMG in a First Blood Handicap Match with Sting at ringside with the IWGP Jr. Tag Team Belts on the line

Yep, that's big time pro wrestling in 2009.

The announcers then dive in deep about the possibility of Foley winning those tag team belts from another organization and how it will shake up the PPV. Yep.

MCMG land their pretty dropkicks and pose for the camera. Wasn't this a first blood match?

"This is for you, Dewey! I know you're watching! I'm gonna make Sabin suffer! Bang Bang!"

Crowd boos the ticky-tack end of the match. Can't blame them.

What a weird show. There were some parts that I felt TNA was trying to answer critics that Impact was full of nothing of blood and guts (USS Cole Jesse Neal, begrudgingly Deaner comedy...it hurts). But when did Joe get the license to make his opponents look bad in extremely short matches? It's like when Santino held the IC belt and he would win by the opponents tripping over their shoes or something.

The whole Foley vs. MCMG was an awkward and confusing mess that shouldn't be revisited...ever. Even the much appreciated Team 3D vs. Beer Money feud was dragged down somewhat with the endless "Team 3D should be cloned so that we can preserve their tag team beauty for all time" love. There's pushing the PPV match and then there's "we just throwing out hyperbole because we don't have any discipline." Want to see some actual wrestling? Fuhgetaboutit.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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