By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"If the illusion is real
Let them give you a ride
If they got thunder appeal
Let them be on your side"

-"Let The Good Times Roll" by The Cars

I watched that HBK vs. Taker match this morning. The most beautiful moment of the entire night was when HBK kicked out of that first tombstone. The crowd erupted and Jim Ross said, "I just had an out of body experience!" Watching that, I felt like I had an out of body experience too. But speaking about announcers...

Tazz probably hated wearing those gimmick sunglasses every damn time. Watch as he goes to Impact...and gets stuck with those sunglasses again. Remember when Michael Cole and Tazz started their announcing duties? Check out the old footage. They are bouncing off the walls. Cole's bellowing into his headset and Tazz is ready to suplex somebody through a table. Nowadays Cole calls a match like he would call the Masters Tournament. Don't worry, Striker fans. Soon his energy will be crushed out of him.

I mean, I never knew I could hate somebody so much. Michael Cole is what wrong with everything in my life. If I hear "vintage" one more time and the announcers going HUH HUH HUH over it, I'm going to lose it. Well, I've already lost some of my mind, but I have a feeling that I need to see a therapist over the absurdity of Cole's announcing.

Perhaps Raw gets a new song? That Papa Roach Raw song is like sugar-free tapioca pudding (credit to iconvsicon.com for pic).

Needless to say Raw didn't start off really on the right foot. If you were sick of the garbage WWE pulled at WrestleMania (like I was, especially with Trips vs. Orton), you probably weren't real thrilled to hear that the proposed match at Backlash was going to be the McMahon boys vs. Legacy. Turns out that it's Shane-o, Big Dave and SuperTrips vs. Legacy, which is fine and dandy.

But from the first fifteen minutes, one couldn't help but wonder if WWE had lost their minds. I wasn't real thrilled that WrestleMania nowadays has mostly become a glorified "jumping off point" for some feuds. Trips vs. Orton stunk up the joint, and the answer for not giving the torch to Orton is to place him into a silly match. Add a "pregnant Vickie" storyline (WWE Writers: That's gold! That will fill two months! And the WWE Universe will eat it up like candy!) that would have turned me off WWE programming for a long while.

I remember those old WWF plush toys where you could beat the crap out of Hogan or Warrior. They should make one of Cole.

They neglected to mention HBK vs. Taker. HBK vs. Taker was one of those matches you would show to somebody who doesn't watch wrestling as a example of how good this form of entertainment can be. "Mr. WrestleMania" isn't a false moniker. Shawn Michaels has a long list of truly great WrestleMania matches. By comparison, the plodding nature and the sleazy finish of Trips vs. Orton was not really a proud moment.

Just friggin' odd though. Mr. WWE himself Vince McMahon says that Orton's not going to get a title match. However, Vickie's the new raw GM and says that if Team Orton wins over Team McMahon, Orton will become champ. On one hand, I understand that the PPV match benefits for more PPV buys if it is a title match. But on the negative, it's a crummy way if Orton does win the championship, providing an out for Trips.

I felt the same way about those "Scramble" matches (an Adamle Original!) as a way to devalue the championship belt. It would be interesting if Batista screws Hunter, but that's hard to fathom considering in terms of storyline that Orton put Batista out of action.

But thinking about Orton and Dave running roughshod over the WWE and kicking ass...instead, Orton is stuck with his two male model buddies who are sons of Legends. Just like Manu. And Sim Snuka. And John Cena, the son of Hulk Hogan and Stone Cold. Poser.

Apparently Vickie Guerrero has higher authority than Vince McMahon. Makes sense.

Hey kids! The WWE Draft is coming up! You know the Smackdown stars you see all the time on Raw and vice versa? Well we're going to shake things up again! Lawler and Cole hyped up possible breaking up of teams or the fact that a top star might be booted down to ECW...but frankly it has little weight.

They unified the tag team titles and Carlito and Primo are holding the gold. And yep, out there with the other lumberjacks is ECW champion Jack Swagger.

My favorite part of that WrestleMania all-star lineup match was hearing Chris Jericho yell at the ref, "Shut up! I'm calling the match!" You sure are the ring general, assclown. It's the Steamboat show, and I can imagine Steamboat vs. Jericho at Backlash.

Vickie Guerrero isn't really skilled nor proficient as her role as GM. But she's a heat magnet, as the crowd loves to boo her and her heel wheelchair (people are more apt to boo an evil witch that has to be pushed around). Sometimes Vickie walks. Sometimes she's confined to a wheelchair. Fancy that. Can't remember how this time she lost the ability to move her legs. Probably something with Edge spearing her. Or Show spearing her. With his massive equipment. Something Santina doesn't have.

Somewhere in this Vickie explained the whole "Team Orton vs. Team McMahon" championship Vince Russo stipulation. Guh. Then for some odd reason Cena vs. Edge is a Last Man Standing match. What's the point? You know how old wrestlers talked about a reason for having the gimmick in a match? Last Man Standing matches in the kayfabe sense are to prove who is the tougher dude. It all just seems like a cheap way to make Cena look like a tough bastard over the always suffering chump Edge. There's a certain level before fans can accept that somebody is "hardcore". I don't expect the Last Man Standing match to go down that hardcore route (WWE will probably focus more on the sheer unbelievable drama of the ten count...again and again and again and again...)

And by the way, Raw talks about how they have gotten "stale and boring." Funny, they said the same thing last year. And partly it was true. Around this time last year the really only reason to check out Raw was the Jericho-HBK feud. Now the problems deal more with the mid-card, the extremely weak women's division, and the tag-team division that has little weight. Punk vs. Regal could have gone somewhere, but it didn't. These are usually the problems of Raw.

And yep, they went down that whole "Mike Adamle" route with promising that Vickie will think up some wacky stipulations. "It's a Vickie Special!" Cole exclaims. Hell, personally I would like just some good, honest feuds that don't insult my intelligence. But then again, WWE isn't really appealing to my demographic in the first place. They're going after the youngins.

If you didn't catch it, Stone Cold Steve Austin passed his beer (e.g.. his torch) to ... John Cena. The question remains: will WWE ever take that chance and make Cena more than just a cardboard comic book superhero?

The cross dresser Santina comes out. I got a kick out of it. However, they had Santino and Khali do the kiss kam krap on Smackdown. I'm a fan of Santino comedy, but this week that lovable Jamie Noble rip-off Cody Deaner won this battle.

Oh man, watching Orton sell to Vince was nauseating. You see, with the Santina thing it doesn't try to pretend to be anything else but silly, stupid humor. Here, they are trying to be ultra-serious but it's just pathetic. The announcers tried to cover for Orton with Orton still suffering the effects of the concussion he received last night. Sure. And perhaps Vince can RKO that male model and get the three count. Seriously, Trips. Not everyone can be superhuman like you. "End this?" What, Vince was going to rip off one of Orton's legs and bludgeon him to death with it? Vince was going to drop the People's Elbow, causing Orton to combust from the sheer destructive power of the millionaire's flabby elbow? Before big bad Dave showed up, WWE seemed to be reveling in it's banality.

You wonder how Orton feels about it. He's remarkable in his facial expression, his movements, the message he conveys. But you would never put the character of Orton as "dominant." Cole and Lawler talk about how he has the soul of Satan blah blah blah, but fans are left waiting if indeed Orton will be handed the keys to the kingdom.

Shane-o, Legacy and Trips show up. Nothing special. Predictable. WWE trots out Batista and that man is pissed. Legacy vs. the McMahon boys had that "It's so full of WWE garbage that buying the PPV would make me feel like an idiot." Begrudgingly, at least they acknowledged that a 60-year-old CEO could not stand toe to toe with Orton.

It's not just the age factor. Hell, if you put Terry Funk vs. Randy Orton, I would pay to see it. Vince is not a full-time wrestler. Neither is Shane. This way, Shane is the weak link and it's up to those old Evolution buddies Trips and Dave to fight the evil male models.

The plan is to keep the viewers hooked after WrestleMania, and viewers have the possibility of C.M. Punk cashing in his briefcase, Batista returning, and the upcoming draft. The end of Raw shows Trips and Dave in a bromance hug. That's why TNA "Hate Knives Anger Death" needs. And perhaps am Italian in drag to do comedy bits.

Hello, Brother Ray.

RAW'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

You know, sometime it's hard being a WWE fanboy.

I mean, I am a proud member of the WWE Universe. Every mistake and shameless stinker that WWE produces I applaud feverishly. If I'm not heaping praise upon praise on the glorious WWE, I'm too busy mowing Vince's lawn or getting Triple H his strawberry daiquiris while he lays by the pool, thinking of new ways to promote his character.

"Hey, Trips"

"Don't talk to me, I'm busy" (trying to grasp the straw of his girly drink with his mouth)

The scariest and most bad-ass thing Trips has done in the past year was when he smiled (gasp) on the DX skits.

The WrestleMania fallout isn't looking too hot. Tazz gone. Check. The question surrounding Jim Ross's new role. Check. Gail Kim quickly becoming another faceless diva. Check. Shane-o trying to act cool with Dave and Trips. Check. The WWE draft (and don't forget, the draft after the big draft that moves people from the Job Squad). But hey, at least they're getting it out of the way.

This year's Draft is marked by having little weight, considering the amount of times we see Smackdown stars on Raw blah blah blah. "Wow! JoMizzy are on Raw now!" Don't know quite why they still trot out those Slammy awards either.

Maybe they'll do another stupid move like moving Jim Ross. Without telling them. From the news reports, I can sort of understand not telling employees what section they will be moving too. But not telling announcers? That made for great television. Along with the mastermind Mike Adamle conducting his evil mastermind plan of becoming Raw GM. In the kayfabe storyline sense, Shane-o was the one who thought that Adamle would make a great Raw GM.

ECW started out with the amazing passion of a business seminar. Hey, it's business people and they're handling business. Tiffany is the new woman in charge. Bigger news is that the PPV hype boy Josh Matthews has been teamed up with Matt Striker. (We'll have to wait until the Smackdown taping airs before we learn how Todd Grisham and Jim Ross work.) Reluctantly, it sort of makes sense, but watching ECW with Grisham-Striker was a Tuesday night delight.

I like to watch Tyson Kidd work. Will ECW ever have a Kidd-Bourne feud? (credit to i.neoseeker.com for pic)

That fatal-four way match was clunky. Clunky to the max. Last week's main event was the Bella twins squaring off. Yeah.

ECW'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

Over in Smackdown they had Cena do an angry promo that caused me to piss my pants. I'm sorry! You're this huge, bulking solider who ready to go to war! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry I called you a poser! You're the doctor of thuganomics! Word life! Don't hurt me! (credit to thegreatindiankhali.com for pic).

Edge claims that he hasn't slept in a week. Or more likely two days. And even that is unbelievable.

Anyways Edge and Cena pump up their Last Man Standing match by taking their clothes off.

Matt and Jeff had a wild brawl with their stretcher match. Show was marked with yet more video recaps of video recaps of behind the scenes of making the video recaps.

Plus the ever looming appeal of Khali kisses Santino in drag is looming. Hooray.

SMACKDOWN'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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