By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"I have lost my mind
I'm walking through time
Deluded as the next guy
Pretending and hoping to find
That distant peace of mind"

-"I Don't Know" by The Beastie Boys

I must confess, WWE, I look forward to your three hour shows like how I look forward to getting an prostate exam when I'm old. Even then I can tell myself that it's for my health and dammit, it's something I got to do. Because you believe you're the only game in town and that your main demographic is eight-year-olds does not give y'all a free break to present utter dreck.

You sure are old, WWE. Your announcers dropping "Facebook" recently like you just discovered this crazy new thing called the in-ter-net. Crazy kids. Makes sense to me that when Matt Striker tries to tie within current pop culture with referencing "The Office," Lawler poo-poos that and goes on to talk about how frickin WrestleMania 25 kicked Madonna's material girl ass.

Also enjoyed the fact that while Jim Ross on Raw, for the first two hours his main deal was announcing for comedic squash matches. It wasn't until the last hour that we finally got to hear him. I don't get it. I enjoy the match more when Ross is announcing. By contrast, those WWE robots make me want to turn off the TV. Cole just spews forth boring WWE propaganda and Lawler's got that "my nuts are in a vise" type of fake enthusiasm. But we can't have Ross calling the entire show, because we got to make sure the little kiddies understand that a Smackdown announcer should be only announcing for Smackdown.

And by the way, kiddies, we're going to spell everything out for ya. Do you know that if Team Orton wins, Orton gets the championship? And did you know this? If Team McMahon gets disqualified or counted out, Orton wins the gold? Hey, watch out! Don't get disqualified!

Note to WWE. Here's a catchphrase for your old asses. I swear, it's even hotter than Vickie's "Excuse Me!" line, which you think was gold falling from heaven and will never, ever, ever get old. Here it is: "I don't buy Pay-Per-Views for DQs." See?

No, I'm real sure that Team McMahon vs. Team Orton will end in the first minute because of disqualification. For the Raw Hits & Miss article, I propose that Cole and Lawler's endless "disqualification worry overload" be a big, fat, stinking miss. In big, bold beautiful letters. Along with pretty much every propaganda trite they spewed forth like robots that went haywire and served to destroy mankind with their insidious announcing.

Raw opens up with another great, majestic video package. Trouble was that it covered the horrid booking that was last week with Vince vs. Orton. I'm sure as long as we play dramatic music, we can make Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie quarrel about how many apples there are in the basket look like the fall of Saigon. DAH DAH DAH DRAMATIC MUSIC OH DAH DAH DAH DRAMATIC MUSIC WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER DAH DAH DAH! Orton selling Vince's punches like he was getting punched by God himself. Vince gives Orton those sledgehammer shots. Cuz Vince's got fists of iron. TNA, please spoof on this. Well, actually, y'all do the same thing, but your video packages don't make a lick of sense.

Todd Grisham compares the WWE draft to the NFL Draft. And more people in China watch WWE than NFL or MLB due to exclusive WWE contracts. And more people attended WrestleMania 25 than one Granny's concert in Dolphin Stadium. Why do you tell me your convenient lies it doesn't make sense I don't know why hey hey my my.

How about that HBK vs. Taker? Guess WWE doesn't care about it. When they get a classic on their hands quite frankly they'll rather push Khali kissing Santina. My, how funny. And sad.

Josh Matthews gets a nosebleed. You see, Josh Matthews got a nosebleed because he's human. By contrast, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are robots. They don't have internal organs.

Comparison: The blood shown on WWE is from random acts, like nosebleeds, cold sores, and when Mr. Space Mountain wants to spill blood everywhere. TNA, you got buckets of blood in the first minute.

Dave comes out. Shane comes out. Trips comes out with his shirt tucked in his underwear. Is there a point to this? I started to zone out. Uh...suddenly "EXCUSE ME" assaults my ears. What the eff? Oh, it's Vickie. I'm surprised that WWE didn't trot out Santina. Or a dancing clown. Considering how this segment was going nowhere.

From this opening, it's akin to going to that doctor for your prostate exam and that bastard informs you that he's going to stick his finger up your ass for three hours straight. Sometimes he'll take a break, but then back to work he goes while informing you that he's very popular in Thailand and that more people visit him than other prostate exam doctors in the area. And no, his information is not biased at all (credit to thumbnails.hulu.com for pic).

Vickie informs us that Team Hunty vs. Team Male Models is having another TNA rule, being that if Team Hunter gets DQed, Orton wins the belt. I guess that would blow WWE's audience mind wide open. "Oh my gosh. Orton won the belt fair and square? Nothing makes sense anymore! Wah!" Please add in a special enforcer and have it be a Texas Bull Rope Laced With Barbwire and Toxic Gummy Bears.

It's a three-on-two handicap match. Guh. They hype up the dissension between SuperShane, SuperTrips, and QuicklyBecameJustAnotherDude Dave. That makes sense. Hey, y'all get Orton next week if somebody pins a male model. Right before the PPV. Zzzzzz.

Four guys are calling the Bourne vs. Mysterio match. None of them are Jim Ross. That's great. I have covered the draft picks in my "Absurd Draft Picks Grade Report" article. Check it out. It's swanky. My crankiness goes away with any Bourne vs. Mysterio match. Raw gets MVP.

Kane vs. Kendrick. Wha? Ross looks so depressed. A crappy chokeslam and Raw gets the Big Show.

Cena claims that Swaggah's a dummy for saying the same things twice. You're right. It's not stupid at all. "Swaggah is Poopy" is intelligent. "Swaggah is Poopy and is not ready 2 go 2 war!!! I'm a mad dog! Woof! Woof!"

It's a another "lump them all together" Divas match. You know. The one where all of the announcers suddenly find everything so hilarious and har-har-har funny. Melina goes to Smackdown. And hey, I'm plenty happy watching a Raw match if Stacy Keibler is doing cartwheels at ringside. But there's no Stacy. Or Trish. Or Bam Neely. Sigh...(credit to wendellwallace.files.wordpress.com for pic).

WWE Robot Announcer: "Cena's never faced somebody with the mat expertise of Kurt Angle, I mean, whoops, Jack Swagger before!" Kind of comforting that if you get on the bad side of WWE, your ass will never be mentioned again. Good match here, and Swagger fans can breathe a sigh of relief that WWE hasn't totally forgotten about this talent. Swagger's my main man. He's my hero.

Raw gets Matt Hardy and Triple H. Yep, Smackdown's getting gutted.

Santino vs. Khali. Hey, Doctor, you mind taking your finger out of my butt? Did you serve time? Pretty sure this isn't really funny anymore. But doctor, WWE goes, uh uh, this is comedy gold. This whole thing felt joyless and contrived. Thanks, Ross. Thanks for calling comedic squash matches. And hey, folks. Khali Kiss Cam next week. Not this week. No, we're going to pump up this bad boy. This sucker is going get 8.4 in the ratings. No, I'm easily amused by Santino screaming like a girl. Everytime. No need to come up with something new. Smackdown gets Punk.

That's your options of comedy in WWE and TNA now: Santino in drag or Cody Deaner. Have fun.

Raw gets Miz. Could work. Maybe the announcers can talk about Miz uses this new fangled new thing called "texting" and how he listens to songs on a "MP3 player." I'm surprised that the graphic screens for Backlash weren't drawn in crayon. "Super Cool Awesome Men vs. Son of Satan Orton and those sons of legends meanies." Did like how WWE didn't chump it out and had Miz vs. Kofi have nearfall after nearfall.

The Supplemental Draft, or as I like to call it, the Job Squad Draft, hasn't happened yet. So John Morrison is gonna be Johnny Nitro on ECW? Hope not.

It's a big-ass battle royale. Here are some ECW stars coming down the ramp! Yep, here they come. Yep, that's ECW.

Big Show bull rushes Edge and Edge wins by using his evil Canadian ways. I was born in America, but from my family background I'm half-Scottish and half-French. So WWE would probably have me wearing a scottish skirt and going, "You stupid Americans. France is so much better. I wish I lived there! Har har!" and jobbing to ... Ricky Ortiz waving a big ass American flag or something.

Apparently Edge's won this thing two years in a row. But he isn't world champion, is he? Yep, whole lot of fun listening to announcers laughing their guts out over the dominance of Raw. Nothing contrived that they do this for every draft. "Hey, you've got more picks than us! Team McMahon could get disqualified! Input directive 31! Spew spew spew! Disqualification hype worry! Vintage!"

Guess who Smackdown gets? Kane. Or as Todd Grisham said, "KannnNNNNEEE??!?!" like Vince himself was stomping on his nuts at that precise moment. And of course, Chris Jericho simply, simply can't be on the same show as Trips. They highlighted that the Canadians Jericho and Edge, who are naturally evil because they are from Canada, might form up. Yay.

Christian vs. Benjamin. ECW gets Kozlov. Because Kozlov doesn't need a drastic character change. He needs to be featured in yet more squashes. Just say no on Christian, WWE says.

Yeah, that WWE doctor might as well be making hand puppets up my butt right now. Or at least having their announcers go, "Har har har you cannot escape the WWE Universe, biatch" while they do it.

Any really good reason for that Shane-Trips-Dave bit backstage? Nope. Just more "Orton's mine" crud. This is your future, Raw fans.

Maryse, that Beautiful People rip-off castaway, is coming to Raw. That's actually good news. You see, Melina is going over to Smackdown. There the women's division is just as bad as Raw's, but at least they have a sense of pride in their work. Over on Raw the real appeal is not on their beauty or their mat work but just how quickly the match will be over. It's a hit over in Las Vegas - the over/under for how long a Raw divas match will last. One minute? 30 seconds?

WWE knows that people are really only tuned in for the draft results, so they can trot out Jericho vs. Dreamer. Quite funny to see Jericho tie himself up in the tree of woe for the Innovator of Silence's "ECW" roar that gets a few chuckles. That's too harsh. Dreamer looks to be lucky to get Swagger at One Night Stand these days.

That glasses-wearing-prick Grisham talks about how Dreamer isn't really a "Legend" (oops) and compares Dreamer not to a Led Zeppelin, but to the Hindenburg. Nice. Maybe Grisham can play the heel announcer of Raw while Ross strives for human decency and whatnot.

But WWE doesn't want Ross calling their matches. And they sure as hell don't want to give any love to HBK-Taker. You cannot question the overlords of the WWE universe, you puny servants. This is what Stephanie McMahon looks like in real life. Muhahaha! (credit to img.photobucket.com for pic).

End of the show is coming up. The WWE Robot Announcers go into overload mode. I sit at my couch, not like a human but more of a pool of despair. I have become something else. I'm a beaten man. My only saving grace is that I can turn away and escape from the WWE Universe...but I'm weak. I lack discipline and I love to watch big-time wrestling! It's what WWE feeds upon!

I can't take anymore of the announcers drawing everything out for Hunter's big time PPV match at Backlash. I would prefer if they sang nursery rhymes to me. I feel sluggish and hazy, like I'm on horse tranquilizers.

The main reason to watch the main event match is for the "dilemma" between the three ego-maniacs. Who booked this crap? Guess what? It's Trips vs. Orton next week. Zzzzzzzzzz. They strive for the drama and excitement of a Hannah Montana concert. The drama of dudes arguing who gets to pin a male model to face another male model a week before they face all of the male models at the PPV.

I liked Swaggah vs. Poopy boy. Tonight had a good dose of solid wrestling action. The opening was horrid, the closing wasn't much better, and the announcing drivel made me want to listen to bad bands like Styx, Fallout Boy, Nickelback, or Air Supply just to purge my brain. I didn't care for all of the WWE typical junk that went with tonight's Raw.

RAW'S VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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