By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

Raw is more about style than substance. While ECW kept its stars with Swagger and Bourne (and hey, they still don't like Christian), Smackdown was gutted on Raw. In this article there will be three categories: The Good, The Meh, and The Absurd (which means monkey butt ugly).

Joining me is Santina himself! Santina, welcome to this absurd article.

("King For A Day" By Green Day plays from somewhere)

"...My daddy threw me in therapy.
He thinks I'm not a real man.
Who put the drag in the drag queen.
Don't knock it until you tried it..."

Santina: It's your pleasure to meet me, the lovely Santina.

McKinley: Do you know that I'm a Santino's comedy fan, but I got to admit that Cody Deaner's lame ass "Wow! Look at that! I'm a Redneck! I'm gonna fight for your honor! Yeeeehhaw! I'm not even a stereotypical redneck! Jamie Noble got nothing on me!" comedy last week was much better than your "Santina" drivel?

Santina: What are you talking about? I'm Santina. I got female parts. You're so rude. *BURRRRPPPP*

McKinley: Okay. Don't know when cross dressers and kiss cams became the high point of WWE comedy, but...high point? This is professional wrestling. Ok. Let's get to the grade report.

The Good

Matt Hardy To Raw

Jeff gets to remain on Smackdown, and Matt goes to Raw. Matt built himself up nicely as ECW champion and is hitting his mark with his heel persona. Heel Orton and Legacy are sort of drab and boring.

Santina: He's crazy. I'm crazy funny.

C.M. Punk To Smackdown

We enjoyed Punk vs. Regal, but three minute matches on Raw were not enough. Punk and Kofi as tag team champions was an afterthought. With the move to Smackdown, hopefully we can get to see him in longer matches with Mysterio, Jericho and Edge.

Santina: He looks like a hobo. Only male models are allowed on Raw.

Chris Jericho To Smackdown

Jericho saved Raw last year by not only having great matches, but giving great promos. Jericho moving to Smackdown was needed, but it doesn't help the fact that Smackdown looks weak right now. Possible feuds with Punk, Jeff, and Undertaker are nice.

Santina: It's a scientific fact. All Canadians are evil. It's true.

The Meh

Big Show To Raw

Show has been impressive with his feud with the Undertaker (casket matches notwithstanding) and his WrestleMania push. Sending Kane over to Smackdown? Meh. Show can either be face or heel in the following months.

Santina: I wonder if Cena can lift Show, Orton, and Michael Cole all at the same time?

MVP To Raw

MVP's character has been called a Rock rip-off, and with MVP you can either see him as credible or a jobber with a ridiculous sports-star egomaniac getup akin to Terrell Owens. Truth be told MVP has stood out more to me for his ring work than his mic work.

Santina: I get it. He's ah Power Ranger! Get it? No? Straight up balling! Take that, Mr. Dwayne Johnson!

Rey Mysterio To Smackdown

Whoops. Sorry we moved you to Raw. You're back on Smackdown. And hey, you've got C.M. Punk...Shelton Benjamin...Jericho...and Edge? Plus we gave you Kane. You know. The guy who massacred you and tortured you in Kane's fun room. At least no more Cole screaming, "Dial it up! 619! Swashbuckling style!"

Santina: Why they move him in the first place?

Melina To Smackdown

Another solid choice, as feuds with Michelle and even Gail Kim can be in the works. I might even be tempted to actually watch a women's match without zoning out.

Santina: I find her entrance very upsetting. That's crossing the line. Excuse me while I scratch my balls. Oops, I mean my female balls.

The Miz To Raw

At first glance, breaking up JoMizzy is a no-no. But with the departure of Punk to Smackdown, WWE probably figured they needed a young punk with a MCMG haircut to appeal to ... other young punks. Does MVP vs. Miz excite me? No. But it's nice to get some new blood in, even though it's hard to tell if Miz will get lost in the shuffle on Raw.

Santina: He's not as talented as Johnny Nitro, no? I like his hats. They're all glittery. Hee hee. My brother Santino got far ahead in this business by learning how to scream like a girl. They actually believed the "Milan Miracle" would work for him as face! Hee hee!

Triple H To Raw

You kind of had a sneaking suspicion that this would have happened, but personally I would have liked it if Smackdown wasn't completely let go. The main problem with this was the sickness most people felt with how SuperTrips vs. Orton has been going. Hopefully one day McMahonMania crawls under its rock and stays there for a long, long time. And maybe Trips can get back to real business instead of going through the motions and making fat jokes.

Oh yeah, Vickie is GM. Crap. I would be more excited about this if the Trips vs. Orton feud wasn't so crummy and if that asshole Shane-o McMahon wasn't dancing all the time and pretending (but failing) that he was a pretend badass who eats pretend other badasses for breakfast. This would have been an option on "The Good" section if the character and storyline Trips have been involved in lately haven't been so crummy.

Santina: Is he a normal man? He's more like a Roman God! He must be like 10 feet tall and knows everything! In fact, he is everything! Wow!

The Absurd

Kane To Smackdown

Was on ECW. Then on Raw. Now On Smackdown. Just one of those moves that make you go, "yeahhhh."

Santina: He's Kane! He's big! And...yeah...

Vladmir Kozlov to ECW

Kozlov doesn't need to change shows; he needs to change his character. He's got all of the inherent tangibles but the appeal of Kozlov coming over to ECW has as much appeal as heel Khali coming down. Ugh.

Santina: Aiee! He's Russian! And he's scary! Run away!

Maryse To Raw

What? Does Beth Phoneix have anyone to face? All I know about Beth is that she's the girlfriend to Santino. Some weird chick follows them. And she's lumped together with other unrecognizable divas. Understand that champions needed to switch shows, but fine. Maryse looks like one of those inflatable dolls.

Santina: Ha ha! I'm the most over Diva in the entire WWE! Hey, at least I'm on television!

So there we have it. Raw is faced with possibly yet more McMahonMania, ECW gets that lump Kozlov, and while Smackdown gets stars who I would like to see in long matches, right now I can't see really epic feuds brewing. Time will tell. At the time of this article submission, the Job Squad draft hasn't happened yet, but the following shows the top dogs and there they lie. Now, to recap the faces and heels on the respective shows... (A "?" indicates that their face/heel status is up in the air at the time of this writing.)

Raw Top Faces
-- Cena, Triple H, HBK, Batista (?)

Raw Secondary Faces
-- Kofi Kingston, MVP (?)

Raw Top Heels
-- Randy Orton, DiBiase & Rhodes, Big Show (?), Matt Hardy

Raw Secondary Heels
-- The Miz

Smackdown Top Faces
Jeff Hardy, Undertaker, C.M. Punk, Rey Mysterio

Smackdown Secondary Faces
-- ?

Smackdown Top Heels
-- Edge, Chris Jericho, Kane (?)

Smackdown Secondary Heels
-- Shelton Benjamin

ECW Faces
-- Evan Bourne, Christian, Finlay

ECW Heels
Jack Swagger, Kozlov, Mark Henry, Tyson Kidd

Yes folks, next week on Smackdown, it will be the Khali Kiss Cam featuring Santino! Hooray!

Santina: It's just kissing, right? No, seriously, bro. I'm not joking. Bro?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com.

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