By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"I don't need to fantasize
You are my pet all the time
I don't mind if you go blind
You get what you get
Until you through with my life...
I'm doing the best I ever did
I'm doing the best that I can
Now go away"

-"Whatever" by Godsmack

This was one of the original ECW theme songs (along with "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" by Drowning Pool). Tonight's Impact was heavy into ECW love.

I liked this show. Yes indeed, Paul Heyman has outdone himself this time. He and his group of ECW wrestlers put out a mature, bloody show that gets away from the WWE kiddie crap. The ECW PPV this Sunday should be lights out (credit to anniemayhem.com for pic).

No, Paul Heyman didn't book this show. Mister Double JJ did. You could tell because no self-respecting old ECW fan would want to see Jarrettmania over and over again.

I enjoyed reading about Jeff Jarrett and how he acknowledged that while TNA has made some boneheaded mistakes in terms of storylines and execution, they never want to be viewed as boring. Jarrett talked about how TNA's staff of writers and bookers don't have the experience like the staff for WWE, but they are hard workers. I agree that you can't please everyone and no matter what you do, people will find flaws with your game.

That's great and all. By the way, the title of the show is "Jeff Jarrett's Dilemma." Which was presumably Jarrett arguing that his DVD collection should be a 10-DVD collection. The problem is that sometimes Jarrett thinks whatever is happening to him makes for the most intriguing television. I loved the show, but it was weighed down by Jarrettmania going on. Jarrett is the kind of guy who expects that people will be interested and glued to find out why hair products he uses. Which one will I choose? The moral questions I face!

I'm liking this Lockdown hype. Makes it seem like a big deal. Maybe that's the trick to TNA. Whatever PPV they don't hype (to the point that fans have forgotten what date the PPV actually is) you don't buy. The last two TNA PPVs left a bad taste in my mouth.

A.J. comes out. A.J. had a crummy night. A.J. rambles on about his match with Steiner two weeks ago. Wha? You can't expect me to remember every little detail about your show. "It's water under the bridge." Wha? What bridge? What the hell are you talking about? A.J. sputters and stalls like my car until Jarrett's music plays. Yeah, that felt realistic. At least with WWE's bore-a-mania bits they at least have a point that they spell out in big easy words.

A.J. continues to kiss Jarrett's ass and talks about how the weight of the free world is on JJ's shoulders. This "Don't turn on me!" garbage came out of nowhere. I do admit that at the end of the show questioning the loyalty of Jarrett did pay off, but I'm not even thinking of a swerve or excited about the possibility of Jarrett joining MEM. Just Team Jarrett vs. Team Angle is sexy by itself.

Jarrett talks about how much he's done for A.J. (bless his heart): "I've given you every opportunity to further your career. I've dressed you up in stupid outfits. I helped you become a man in this stinking business. You've got big balls, son. You want to question my integrity? Let's yell at each other for no sensible reason." Can I question why the hell you're showing me this? What the fudge is this?

Jarrett's going to prove his loyalty by presenting his special guest later in the show (which turns out to be Christopher Daniels).

Opening bit went like this: Ramble, ramble, Main Event plug, opening cords of the MEM song.

I'm still confused about this man advantage. Why exactly is it so important? I don't even know what the score is. It's 1-1, but it is TNA's job to assume that I don't know. I'm a wrestling fan. I need a big ass on-screen graphic telling me what you want me to know.

So not only was this bit "boring," but it was also confusing and showed no skill whatsoever in getting its main points across.

Commercial Break: Watch Jamie Foxx do his Ray Charles role in "The Soloist," which will make your heart sing with joy about one man's journey overcoming all odds to achieve his dreams.

Jarrett DVD Plug: "As you never seen him before. In polka dot pants and yellow boots."

To recap: I'm confused in who's playing Suicide now. Christopher Daniels has come back and hopefully by the grace of the wrestling overlords he has stopped being Curry Man. So, is Frankie Da Kazman back in the swing of things? I agree with pushing one dude over the rest of the Kindergarten Club (e.g. X Division). So long Jay Lethal.

Suicide love: "Will his hype for the extreme be his downfall?" Hello. An actual storyline to an X Division PPV championship match. Good.

Mr. Grumpypants Bashir yells his head off at Lauren because she talked about how Bashir recruited No Limit to join his "We Hate America" group. They volunteered! They hate America! It's kinda hard to believe Mr. Poopypants when all No Limit do is stand in the back and give goofy grins.

It's Sabin vs. Homicide vs. Naito. Announcers talk about how Bashir and No Limit can come out strong at the PPV. Good. Just in time for Petty Officer Neal.

TNA never wants to be labeled as boring. It's evident in their camera cuts. At one points Naito was merely clubbing the back of Sabin. Simple stuff. But there were four quick camera shots that lasted only about three seconds. It's like those jerk movie directors who shake the camera around during action sequences because "it looks cool." Uh, I have no idea where the hell the characters are or have any sense of geography in the movie.

Announcers talk about how the X Division match can steal the show. And how the "Queen in the Cage match" will be over very quickly. Very good.

Heel announcer West talks about how MCMG got a big victory over Mick Foley last week. Uh, fluke victory? Anyways, a heck of an X Division match. And hey, they even called more of it than usual.

Brother Ron (Spike Dudley) and Balls Mahoney step out of a cab. ECW! ECW!

Commercial Break: Porn star Jenna Jameson chomps dudes's wieners off in "Zombie Strippers." People love them some zombie films. At first I thought TNA was bringing in a wacky new Knockout.

Sorry, little Johnny. We can't afford to get your teeth straightened just yet. I've got to check out Lockdown for the "Doomsday Chamber of Blood match."

Abyss, ODB, Cody Deaner, and Jim Cornette are doing TNA wacky wackiness in the back. Cornette talks about seeing ODB naked: "I canceled my check to prevent blindness." He then calls for a mixed tag team match with these jokers. Deaner breaks his back carrying ODB. Cornette then gives a "Green Acres" mention. No, that wasn't boring. Or maybe I just like any "Green Acres" reference.

Sit-down interview with Jeff. I was interested to hear Jeff talk about Mick, but then it took a nosedive when wise old Jeff Jarrett discussed his feelings and did some soul searching. This is boring, Jeff. It's right there. It's not "biased negative reviews." It's just more Jarrettmania running rampant. Watcha gonna do, brother?

Can't say I paid a lick of attention to Angle's promo. But I did check out Sting trying to look young, Nash chatting up with Ms. Whatshername, and Rocco or Big Sally doing their best cartoon scowling. So evil.

Video package of the Beautiful People. Oh no. No one's hair is safe. Oh no. Oh no.

Kong and Saeed come down the ramp for some sans Gail Kim knockout match. Saeed, after getting her hair cut last week, does the "I can't believe my hair got cut" motion. Even though she's wearing a mask. Uh huh.

"Hair cutting victims?" A little much?

This match with Angelina Love, Kong, Taylor Wilde, Velvet Sky, and Saeed was over before you could check your email. Guess who got pinned by Kong? Angelina Love. Wasn't she a contender in that PPV match? Didn't y'all run a video package pumping up the fact that Love could become the new champion? Wha?

Sure, it never got the chance to be boring. It was a waste of time and was counter-productive.

Of course, TNA sells its PPV on the stuff that happens after the match ends. The Beautiful People spray gimmick water from their gimmick bottle and Kong is blinded. Oh no, Kong got a few dreads cut off. Love is happy with herself. Geez, you kinda got embarrassed by getting pinned so quickly. I kinda stopped caring about this whole thing after Love got quickly pinned. Or maybe the plain fact that I just don't give a fart about a knockout's hair being cut off. It's so evil.

Backstage, Kong is throwing a tantrum. Was this bit boring? Nope. Random? Yep. Did it made me feel like TNA thinks we're all test monkeys and we react in very simple ways? Yep. Urghh. Angry women throwing stuff. Cool. Urggh. Cody Deaner. Doing Redneck stuff. Urggh. Funny.

Rough Cut on Team 3D. Team 3D talk about how the IWGP belts mean something, while TNA's own tag team belts mean jacks----. Oh-kay. No, that's really cool that somebody else's belts are a bigger deal than your own! That's a good sign!

Hey, more Beer Money. Spike and that sexy Balls Mahoney are laughing it up with Team 3D. Too bad they're going to get beat up by Beer Money.

Cody "Get R Dun" Deaner and ODB are facing Abyss and Roxxi, I mean, Daffney. Daffney's outfit is "I scream for ice cream." Get it? Abyss is dressed like a janitor.

ODB and Daffney do some chest bumps. That's ODB calling card. Whole lot of ass and breasts fixation. Queen of the Cage match? Zero shot. Hell, I don't think we've even seen Sojo Bolt in action. At least Kong's got a storyline, even though it was poorly executed.

Imagine if ODB went to WWE. Oh man.

The TNA crowd chants, "You got bitch-slapped" when Deaner gets slapped silly by Mr. Abyss. I've got to say that Cody Deaner is winning over Santino in the battle for stupid comedy. It was also smart to put a comedy match in here, as the later bits would show blood, blood, blood.

Scott Steiner gets his airtime by saying...nothing to Borash. It's probably the same reason why Jarrett told Booker to shut up. Sometimes you just get those feelings from bits like these that they're only meant to give guys needless air time.

Foley's "Schizophrenic" promo was one for the books. At first glance I was wondering where Foley was going with him talking about his Spider-man moment (where he didn't stop some thieves running out of a restaurant and then he learned that with great power comes great responsibility). But you could tell that Foley was in the promo zone.

Foley/Cactus Jack (he would switch voice styles and tone) was...just something else. I enjoyed it a lot. Foley just lost the heart. And yeah, it's a no-brainer to pump up that ECW's Cactus Jack (see a trend following here) is going to butcher Sting at the ECW...TNA PPV this Sunday.

What really broke the barrier for this promo was Foley punching himself. Hard. Over and over. So much that he caused himself to bleed. I would like to say that there was a ketchup pack under that bandage on his forehead, but that's probably a lie.

If there is one man who will punch himself repeatedly in the head so hard that he causes himself to bleed...it's Mick Foley. With Edge and Orton, you feel protected as you watch them do their heel bits. Crazy heel Foley can do things that make you feel unsafe in your own living room, even though he's thousands of miles away (credit to geocities.com for pic)

Sting comes out and says he's not scared of Foley. He's a cool cucumber. Foley hypes up that the old ECW fans will be alive and well in Philly. They will be chanting "Cactus Jack" and your pink tights and blonde crew cut won't make it out alive in Philly.

To put the cherry on top, Foley swerves Sting by playing MEM music. While he is beating Sting up, he orders that the Curry Man music and Shark Boy music be played. I loved this. It truly stood out and it was deranged. Announcers chime in with TNA's message: "It's a train wreck, but you're glued to it." Foley and Sting just seem to be committed to bring out the best in one another. Team Jarrett vs. Team Angle is fine and dandy, but I'm intrigued to see how Foley vs. Sting works out. Maybe it's because I have a gut feeling that they won't chump it out.

It's Beer Money beating up Balls and Spike. Both Balls and Spike would get busted open here.

Balls does his "Balls" bit. (This show was ECW.) Unprotected chairshots? Yep. Favorite part of the whole deal was West saying, "All this Team 3D! Those Rough Cuts! How they are so freaking great!" Good stuff. Turning a negative into a positive.

Fully closed fists bouncing off the noggin of Ron. Man. After this ECW special, Team 3D come out and says it's going to be a Philly Street fight. Which is basically an ECW brawl (and I mean the original ECW, not "EC McMahon W"). Maybe TNA can plant weapons in the crowd and have the fans pass them to Team 3D. Ah, good times in bingo halls (credit to media.photobucket.com for pic).

Angle vs. mysterious opponent. But of course, Jarrett's out there to do some more soul-searching blah blah blah. Christopher Daniels comes back. Crowd is jacked up. Haven't heard them in a long while in the past months.

Good main event match with Daniels and Angle. Daniels gets the three count. At this moment of the show I feel like I'm a fool if I don't buy the PPV.

So what the hell is Cornette down in the ring with Angle for? Come on, TNA. You've got me buying the PPV. Do I need to hear Angle talk funny with his mouthpiece still in or a lame start to a Cornette-Angle beef? What the fudge.

Angle swears and spits on Corny. Angle: "I'll kill you!" Commercial break. When we come back, Angle will shove Cornette's glasses in his eye sockets. Stay tuned.

Angle and MEM are in the ring. Turns out it was a controversial pin. Jarrett, with his shirt open for some odd reason, has just returned from the productions truck. Jarrett reminds us that this match determines the man advantage. Oh. That thing.

Turns out that Angle's shoulder popped out, but because Rudy the ref was once again incompetent at his job, he counted the three. Kayfabe thoughts here, but if the ref screws up, shouldn't it be a no-contest? Not fair to Daniels.

Anyways, Jarrett says that Angle won the match and thus MEM gets a five minute advantage or something. They really haven't done a good job of explaining it. Hell, Joe doesn't sell anything now, so two MEM members against Joe is no problem. But this whole ending works for questioning the loyalty of Jarrett, even though I don't care about it at all. Both the characters of Shane McMahon and Jeff Jarrett need to pump the brakes. It's getting...absurd! Ha ha! Yes! Damn, I'm good!

It was a hot show and except for Jarrett's endless soul-searching suck drama and the counter-productive nature of Love vs. ODB vs. Wilde, I felt that they really convinced people who have been turned off of TNA's PPVs (especially the last two ones) to check out this very strong PPV out. For the most part I enjoyed it from start to end and was won over by the Lockdown hype. Good job.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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