By Shane McKinkley, Torch specialist

"You know where you are?
You're in the jungle baby!
You're gonna die!"

-"Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns N' Roses

Lockdown comes to you live this Sunday. Despite the impressive PPV buildup, is it worth buying before you check out the reviews? After two PPV duds, can TNA restore confidence in their product with their second biggest PPV of the year? Will Jarrett turn on Frontline? Will the man they call Taz show up? How the hell are they going to do the Foley-Sting match? And what's better, a Philly Cheese steak or a Bagel Dog? Read on to find out.

Absurd Ratings Guide
-- Not Absurd = A
-- A Little Absurd = B
-- In The Middle Of Absurdity = C
-- Very Absurd = D
-- It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry = F
-- A Huge Pile Of Stinking Absurdity (NUKE) = Epic Failure

Eric Young vs. Danny Bonaduce

TNA is banking that the old ECW Philly faithful will be in attendance. So you can imagine how well a former child star that has proven that he has no shame will be accepted. I was reading the ClassicsGuy Blog about the outlandish statements Bonaduce made about steroids and wrestlers. Of course, not as bad as Hulk Hogan's "O.J. had the right idea in mind" statements and later backtracking (and yeah, I caught some episodes of "Hogan Knows Best"....aieee).

I often don't get the "outsiders" that TNA brings in. I tuned in to see Pacman Jones. People from Amazon? Wha? I don't know who Danny Bonaduce is supposed to appeal to. Petty Officer Neal is more intriguing. Long story short I'm not sure why TNA has brought in Bonaduce to wrestle Young at the PPV, but thankfully it's a "pre-show special." Should be amusing to hear the fans shout out how much they adore and cherish the Duce man.

Eric Young? Yeah, he was picked by World Champion Sting to face...a security guard.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- Hatred and Violence towards former child stars
-- You don't have to see it

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- Danny Bonaduce and Eric Young? Really?
-- Potential Aftermath: Bonaduce gets jiggy with ODB, Deaner defends her honor

VERDICT: ???

X Division Xscape Title Match - Suicide vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Kiyoshi vs. Bashir

The object of the match is to be the first one to xscape the xtreme cage. Story here has been the decent buildup of Bashir and his group of America-hating buddies No Limit. You know the boys over at TNA are hard at work thinking up a name for Bashir's group on the level with "Kongtourage." Remember The Justice League of Nimwits's catchphrase? "We come in peace, they leave in pieces!" Yeah! It's also the first X Division PPV match that I can recall in some time where I care about who wins (in this case, that enigma from the videogames). Nothing wrong with Bashir or Suicide winning this thing.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- Bashir and Suicide have at least been pumped up

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- The whole match and characters in it just feel silly

VERDICT: Very Absurd

Madison Rayne vs. Sojo Bolt vs. Daffney vs. ODB in Queen of the Cage Match

I love it how I'm supposed to buy a match when we haven't seen one of the participants at all in the past month. Hell, even with Matt Morgan's PPV matches they at least trot him out the last show before the PPV. I haven't seen Sojo Bolt at all and Madison Rayne is the toy of the Beautiful People. Daffney, the new Roxxi, has gotten some nice love. ODB has been yuking it up with Deaner dumbness.

Does becoming "Queen of the Cage" mean a damn thing? Does it have any bearing on storylines and characters after the PPV? The answers to all of these questions is no. I'm guessing the "Queen Of The Cage" concept is where the wrestlers fight to get inside the cage...then it's Rayne vs. ODB...ODB becomes Queen Of The Cage...Then Beautiful People do their haircutting bit...Cody Deaner makes the save...probably something like that.

It's odd too, because I would rather see these four women wrestle than WWE's garden-variety divas who come out of nowhere. But yeah, expect a Cody Deaner sighting in here too. It wouldn't be a shock to anyone if the first two matches that started Lockdown were duds. Of course, any match can prove me wrong. But from the standpoint of deciding to buy the PPV, this match isn't even a real factor in the proceedings.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- Um...MCMG vs. LAX vs. No Limit is up next?

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- It looks like to be a very small blip on one of TNA's biggest PPVs of the year

VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

NJPW Jr. Tag Team Titles Match - Motor City Machine Guns vs. LAX vs. No Limit

This looks to be the star of the mid-card. TNA has done a heck of a job promoting the main events, but the lower cards are lacking or nearly forgotten. Why are these guys battling for the NJPW Jr. Tag Team belts? Don't know. One day MCMG just showed up with the belts and viewers were told that those young hooligans won those belts. Sometime. No visual evidence. Ok. Here's what New Japan Pro Wrestling looks like (credit to tokyofight.com for pic).

I feel the same way about LAX holding those Money in the Bank briefcases. It's one of those things I ignore because in the end it means squat.

I got to admit; at least this concept is better than the whole "World X Division Tournament." These guys should get the time to do their thing, because the rest of the mid-card isn't very impressive. Score would be higher if there was some actual buildup for the match. All fans have to go on is "potential" and "blind trust." These things should be rock solid. But as evident in previous TNA PPVs, they could care less about building up lower card matches or implying to the fans that they are selling a bonafide certain thing in a uncertain world. And I think it's one of the reasons why their PPV buys aren't higher.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- MCMG-LAX-No Limit Goodness? Sign me up

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- You're still fighting for somebody else's belts. It feels tacked on
-- Buildup? Nope

VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Abyss vs. Matt Morgan in a Doomsday Chamber Of Blood Match

Repeat: "Doomsday Chamber Of Blood Match." Now that's impressive. You figure that TNA is bummed out that they couldn't add more to the title. Yep, the entire cage will be full of blood and the ring will explode...

Kayfabe: I can imagine Matt Morgan and his buddies kicking it at the crib. "Bro, why you still messing around with that dumb freak? Shouldn't you be shooting for higher stuff? Like becoming champion? Joining MEM?"

Yeah, I don't know why Matt Morgan feuding with Abyss. When this whole thing started it was presumably to get Morgan over with fans that idea of "boy, that oily bastard sure is hardcore." But as evident in the fans' reaction to this feud, Abyss vs. Morgan is as appealing as rotten fruit. It's not doing a hell of a whole lot for Morgan. Heck, it should have been clear to TNA that nobody gave a damn about Abyss vs. Morgan in that 100,000,000 thumbtacks match after it was over. You can have Abyss light himself on fire and fall through a glass table, it means squat if fans are not connecting with it.

As for Abyss, heck, I'm more intrigued about Lauren confronting Dr. Stevie than Abyss vs. Matt Morgan. This feud has been defined by an extreme lack of disconnection (the Dr. Stevie bits have gotten more attention). I have absolutely no idea why these guys are still fighting each other or have any sense of "rewarding victory" that there may be at the end of the match.

Ok, so the buildup, the feud and the previous matches itself have been shoddy. Ok, we can get past that. But here's the concept of the match: You first must make your opponent bleed before you can pin them. This match can potentially ruin the other main events which themselves built on destruction. So far this feud has failed on all accounts, and it bums me out, because it should have been a highlight.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- Blood and carnage

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- Other main events are built on blood and carnage too, thus potentially leading to fan burnout
-- Dumb gimmick stipulation
-- Buildup, aftermath, character motivations, and previous PPV matches have been duds

VERDICT: A Huge Stinking Pile Of Absurdity (NUKE)

Knockouts Title Match - Kong vs. Angelina Love vs. Taylor Wilde

TNA loves them some Beautiful People. Beautiful People have been on a rampage of cutting knockouts' hair. No, not totally shaving them bald. Cutting off a few dreads. Oh, the embarrassment. The more troubling issue is Kong PPV matches. Kong PPV matches have been, well...(credit to i39.tinypic.com for pic).

I mention this because the whole match is built on Love cutting a few dreads off of Kong. Oh no. She wants revenge. Oh yeah, Love quickly got beaten by Kong. In like two minutes. Don't ask me how a lot of TNA wrestlers become contenders. I have no idea how Love became contender. As pointed out by one Wade Keller, Foley hasn't won a singles match in years yet he's the number one contender for the TNA World Heavyweight championship.

I want to say that Kong retains, but TNA seems intent on getting on the Beautiful People bandwagon. Knockouts need to prove that they don't need no damn Gail Kim.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- The "serious" knockouts match

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- Kong's previous PPV matches have been baaaaaaaaaddddddd
-- Not really effective storyline for match

VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Total Tag Team Domination Match - Team 3D vs. Beer Money For All Of The Tag Team Belts

If you buy the PPV and record it on your DVR, you might want to start from this point on, considering how the "real" PPV doesn't start until Team 3D vs. Beer Money.

This is a Philly street fight, so I wouldn't expect a whole lot of the match to occur in the ring. The buildup has been great. Straight from the wrestling storylines handbook? Sure. But in TNA, you can get Team 3D vs. Shark Boy and Curry Man in a Fish Street Market match. I'm curious to see who gains the victory in this one, presumably Beer Money (credit to upload.wikimedia.org for pic).

Taz might even make an appearance on this PPV. Of course, TNA can have its own ECW division with Team 3D, Taz, Foley, blah blah blah...but Beer Money need a ace up their sleeve when combating Team 3D and the hostile crowd. Probably too much to picture that Taz will become the manager of Beer Money and thus screwing Team 3D, but that's just speculation.

Lethal Lockdown and Sting-Foley might turn out to be overrated ho-hums, so it was really important for TNA to have a very strong match for Lockdown. This is it.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- "E-C-W" Mania, Wild Brawl
-- Buildup has hit its mark
-- Feud truly connected with audience

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- Might just turn out to be JBL vs. Cena's "Parking Lot Brawl" in order to protect the other two main events

VERDICT: Not Absurd

Lethal Lockdown: Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, Samoa Joe, A.J. Styles, Christopher Daniels) vs. Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, Booker T)

Never understood the whole "man advantage" thing. It's just filler until the roof lowers down and people start hitting each other with garbage can lids. There's been some dissension in Team Jarrett. Remember last year's "Lethal Lockdown" and how Tenay and West spent a good deal of time worrying about Kevin Nash's knees? "Oh no! He has had knee surgery 17 times!" So not only is the health in question for Nash, but Booker T got owned by Samoa Joe, Scott Steiner has gone soft in talking about tucking Jarrett's kids in at night, and Angle has a friggin broken neck (credit to farm1.static.flickr.com for pic).

The storyline for this match is the loyalty of Jeff Jarrett. Hey, it's better than "whoever wins this decides the future of Impact." Yeah, I'm sure MEM will completely lose, they will disband, and TNA will throw away what's getting them high ratings. Frontline vs. MEM uh-gain? Do we really have to get back to that? It didn't work the first time around.

Christopher Daniels returning is a nice touch. Watching Joe no sell everything? Yeah.

But I gotta say, I'll gladly watch this than Team McMahon vs. Team Orton convoluted garbage.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- Weapons! Steel Cage! Man Advantage!
-- Christopher Daniels
-- No damn Shane McMahon in sight!

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- Jeff Jarrett could put the spotlight on himself...again
-- Could turn out to be a plodding brawl
-- Trash Can Lids + Frontline flying + MEM mulling around + Gimmick Countdown = Lethal Lockdown

VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Mick Foley vs. Sting For TNA World Heavyweight Championship

The question is this: Can they do it? Can they pull it off? How are they going to pull it off?

It's a hell of a question. You're putting two old guys in who are both semi-crippled in a confined space. They are going on last on the PPV where fans have already gotten their fair share of blood, carnage and weapons shots, presumably. Hey, want to see some blood? Abyss vs. Morgan already got that covered. Want to see some weapons? Lethal Lockdown is built on guys filling time until they can start whacking with other with kendo sticks. Hey, maybe Foley and Sting can escape the cage. They could fight outside! Wait, Team 3D and Beer Money have already covered that ground in the Philly Street Fight.

While I don't expect Foley vs. Sting to be a technical masterpiece, Foley vs. Sting might be the case of "great match but wrong time," considering that all of the rest of the matches are inside the cage, feature hardcore wrestling, etc.

I'm sure fans can read all about it in Foley's "Crossing the Line," a tell-all book about the Hardcore Legend rebirth down at TNA. He'll talk about punching himself in the head, write about random stuff, and throw in a really weird part (in the "Hardcore Diaries", that award goes to him talking about his encounter with a hitchhiker and...well...you need to read it for yourself).

I don't doubt that "Crossing the Line" won't become a New York Times Bestseller, but the impression I get is that it will be a glorified book of simple blog entries. While "Hardcore Diaries" was amusing, it was nowhere near the depth level of his first two books.

But enough of that. While the buildup has been nice with demented Foley and cool cucumber Sting trying to bring the best out of each other, I'm hesitant about this match. I can't help but be. If it was the main event for any other PPV it would have been a sure deal, but being the last match at Lockdown there are some big-time questions that won't get answered until the PPV happens.

Why You Should Be Excited For This Match
-- Cactus Jack is back, Sting and Foley seem to want to prove people wrong

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited For This Match
-- Still questions on how the hell is it going to work with two semi-crippled old guys in a confined space after matches that featured carnage and weapons. I don't doubt the guys, I doubt the surroundings

VERDICT: A Little Absurd...I think

While I love the Team 3D-Beer Money and I expect that it will be a great brawl, a lot of the card doesn't scream "reliable." I'm uncertain about this PPV. I know that Lockdown has that vibe of "you won't regret buying this," but I'm hesitant on this. As always, any PPV match can turn out great. But from the standpoint of deciding to purchase the PPV, here is a list of what I feel confident in buying, what I am unsure of, and matches that look to be stinkers. There are some questions about Lockdown, but hopefully TNA can have a great showing here and restore fans confidence in the PPVs.

Unless they want to do "Against All Odds 3: Maximum Ugh."

MATCHES I WOULD PAY TO SEE
-- Team 3D vs. Beer Money
-- MCMG vs. LAX vs. No Limit

MATCHES I AM UNSURE I WOULD PAY TO SEE
-- Foley vs. Sting
-- Lethal Lockdown
-- Kong vs. Love vs. Wilde
-- X Division Xscape Match

MATCHES THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD PAY TO SEE
-- Queen of The Cage Match
-- Doomsday Chamber of Blood Match

See you absurdmaniacs later. I'm gonna go eat some Pocky Sticks and drink some goat milk. Yeah!

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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