By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

" Ready to go at any moment
Jumping like a pogo stick
I never lived up to my expectations
So I accept the patience
Expect the worse but now I'm pacing"

-"Millennium" by Outkast

Quick WGN Superstars recap: Mysterio vs. Show would draw better, but C.M. Punk vs. Kane gets the nod in order to push Hobo boy. Jeff Hardy marches to the beat of his own drum, Hornswoggle was the last WWE Cruiserweight Champion before they got rid of the belt for his "own safety" (it's true), Cena tears up in talking about his old flame Edge, and Kofi sells one hell of a spear.

Also like how WWE rewrites their own history from time to time, as evident in that Triple H-Randy Orton video package (guess they're pretending that their WrestleMania match didn't happen either).

From the opening video, the future of TNA looks spiffy. New champions. Lashley showing up at the PPV and...pointing at the ring. Maybe Lashley will communicate by holding up a sign conveying his thoughts like in cartoons.

Jeff Jarrett comes down to the ring with the TNA Heavyweight World Championship belt slung over his shoulder. Guess who won the title at Lockdown? It's not Slapnuts.

It's none other than The Dude.

Yes, The Dude from "The Big Lebowski" is the new TNA Heavyweight World Champion.

That's how I see Mick Foley shuffling down the ramp as the new TNA champion. The Dude is champ (credit to costumzee.com and
meltdown.homeip.net for pic).

I keep forgetting that Impact is not a wrestling show. It has some wrestling aspects in it but in large part it's not a wrestling show. It's a reality TV show, hoping to keep viewers tuned in with zany characters and their wacky actions.

The Dude gives some love to Dirk, the cameraman. Hi, Dirk the cameraman. Watch out or you'll get pushed to a PPV main event.

The Dude wants some respect for Sting, who, by the way, has wrestled his absolutely final match. A round of applause, please. Show some respect. Naturally the TNA crowd chant "We Want Sting."

The Founder of TNA says that The Dude is in a four-way match.

The Dude then gets angry at Mr. Jarrett for pissing on his rug. Vows vengeance will be his and Jarrett's career will be sacrificed at Sacrifice. That was my rug, man.

Yep, that's pretty dumb. Even...absurd.

Instead...

You see, at the Sacrifice PPV all four competitors in the match will have to sacrifice something. If one of the competitors gets pinned, they will have to sacrifice something.

That's much better.

Because lord knows how boring PPV main event four-way matches with the World Title on the line are. We're going to tweak it. Tweak that sumabitch.

We got the idea from the season of Lent.

"Who is willing to sacrifice the most?"

You see what we did there? I tied the PPV's name in my promo. Hey, why are you throwing up?

You might call it "The Ultimate Sacrifice," The Dude replies.

At this point Jarrett broke into Garth Brooks's "Shameless." Everybody hugged.

Naturally, The Dude takes offense to this announcement from Jarrett. The Dude talks about how he doesn't know who runs TNA (neither do the rest of us, Dude).

He then drops a Peanuts "wakka wakka" line. Follows up with talking about the George Steinbrenner character on "Seinfeld."

Yep, he's free to do whatever he wants. Want a video crew to film the inside of your minivan? Why the hell not?

The WWE Universe may be old, stale, sterile, and devoid of true human emotion, but at least it makes sense and has a point.

The Dude, feeling miffed, books Jarrett and Scott "Soft" Steiner in a "Cactus Jack Smack Attack."

You know what rhymes with Cactus Jack Smack Attack? Crack.

Now I'm going book you! I'll book you right back! The magical booking powers war. Refreshing.

Tenay whines and says the valiant Founder of TNA pulled his hamstring on the PPV. Really? Wow. Sure glad you told me. There's no reason not to distrust you.

Here is the lineup for "The Ultimate Sacrifice:"

-If pinned, Mick Foley will have to sacrifice his belt made up of tinfoil and pasted macaroni and cheese
-If pinned, Jeff Jarrett will have to sacrifice custody of his three precious daughters
-If pinned, A.J. Styles will have to sacrifice his belt made up of construction paper and glitter
-And finally, if pinned, Dirk the Crazy Cameraman will have to give up his beloved Betsy, his camera (credit to wwwdelivery.superstock.com for pic).

Don't be fooled. They would push a cameraman as a top contender. "Nuh uh! No they wouldn't!" They sure as hell would.

After they cut to commercial, Jarrett and Foley break down in laughter about the huge rib they played on everyone. "Can you believe I just said that? Or what you said? Ho ho ha ha."

Team 3D announce that mortal men will have to climb Mount Dudley in order to face the gods Ray and Devon. It's the Team 3D Invitational Tournament. For shame.

The Terri Invitational Tournament. What does that spell? I know because perv Lawler spelled it out for me.

Beer Money drive under the influence and get the victory.

Angle chimes in with his weekly MEM locker room interview with ol' Bug Eyes.

Eric Young is in Jarrett's office, and he wants a chance to prove himself. Turns out that the singing cowboy Trevor Murdoch (now Jethro Holliday) doesn't have a tag team partner. The dumbest man in wrestling is happy. Idiot man away!

You know, that is a nice minivan, Cactus Jack. Glad I tuned in. That's a hardcore minivan (credit to z.about.com for pic).

Hey, it's a house.

Hey, it's a kid entering a school bus with a spider-man backpack.

Maybe Sacrifice will show where the kids get dropped off.

You see, they tease you. You want to know the outcome. You are connected with it emotionally. Hey, it's a school bus! I've been in school buses before! There's conflict! Oh! Will the school bus make it on time? Will they get a flat tire? Will Triple H hijack the bus for his own ego? You go to websites and the discussion boards are ablaze. I think it's going to be this school! No, there's going to be a swerve! What does this mean for the future of the company? What's going to happen? Then you get the big payoff. The bus arrives at the Cactus Jack's school for children! Have a cookie.

I just don't go ga-ga over these Foley reality show bits.

It's Nash and Jenna. Don't touch my elbow, babe. Now let's keep my heart rate up. Call me Big Sexy. Oh, damn, I broke little Nash. Damn. Looks like I pulled a Nash.

Sharmell snaps at Jenna. Will Sharmell sacrifice Jenna in the pit of poo match? Will Booker sacrifice himself to protect Sharmell? How many times can we use the word Sacrifice? Buy Sacrifice to find out.

Ladder matches shouldn't really be under three minutes. If wrestlers need unions, sometimes I wonder if wrestling writing staffs shouldn't have a "quality assurance" team overlooking them. At least Sojo Bolt wasn't afraid of heights, like one mister James Storm during the worst TV ladder match I ever saw. Which was also under three minutes.

Tenay doesn't want to see any male strippers during the Beautiful People skit. We can't always get what we want, professor. The common person doesn't want to see that bad Burger King "Square Butts" commercial. Maybe that's a way for the WWE Divas to stop people from changing the channel during their matches. If they're willing to sink that low (credit to advertfan.com for pic).

(Asst. editor's note: They're advertising a freakin' kids meal with that commercial. A kids meal! What is wrong with these morons who run Burger King?)

Next week, a mixed tag team match with Nash/Jenna vs. Booker/Sharmell. TNA is calling it "The War of the Work Rates." Plus more footage of Foley filming himself taking out the garbage and crossing the line at the DMV office.

I'm not sure about this whole thing of young stars winning crap matches by the other guys getting DQ'ed. I must be old. How long must A.J. Styles fans wait? Pretty long, or until WWE guys stop coming in and taking over everything.

I was a fan of Holliday back in the E.

A.J. Styles vs. Joe next week in a "Samoan Saw on a Spike Match."

I think the Dr. Stevie bits would be a whole lot more entertaining if Stevie was wearing his ECW garb of a cut-off shirt and tiny jean shorts. Stevie punks out Lauren, the Janitor vows revenge, and so on. Will you sacrifice $30? Nope. Think I'm safe in my little WWE bubble.

Styles vs. Joe vs. Daniels at Sacrifice. Book it. No silly stipulations.

Foley: "I'm A Champion!" You sure are.

Looks like this championship reign will mercifully end at the PPV. Hopefully. Unless they plan of having Eric Young dress up like Mankind and swerve us all. Who is that mysterious man under that familiar mask? I hear he's called Erickind. I wonder who he is?

It's Steiner vs. Jarrett. I love to see me some Steiner bouncing up and down on a pogo stick. Jarrett strokes Steiner off and gets the victory.

To be honest, I was kind of zoned out the entire show. I couldn't process it all. Overloaded. Maybe it was all of those "Sacrifice" shameless tie-ins. Or that whole opening promo in general. Surreal show.

I had to sacrifice the basketball game in order to watch Impact. Truly, it was a great sacrifice.

And hey, Lashley makes an appearance. How many words will Lashley say during his time in the TNA universe? I don't know. All I know is that I'm going to get me a pogo stick. Whoo.

IMPACT'S ABSURD VERDICT: What In The Wide, Wide World Of Pretend Sports Is Going On Here?

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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