By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Can't remember the last time I fast-forwarded through a good chunk of a PPV main event. But more on that later.

This PPV was marked by some really embarrassing moments.

They've got to get a more powerful fan to suck all of the pyro smoke out. Or have Shane McMahon wrestle to suck all of the air out of the arena. Watching the first two matches was like they were wrestling outside in Rhode Island fog.

Lawler and Cole step up their game for PPVs...not sure what can be said for their announcing on Raw.

I'm liking Jack Swagger every time I watch him. If your pet peeve is wrestlers bluntly setting up moves, this wasn't your PPV.

And yeah, they did that Kurt Angle bit where Swagger teases that he's going to German suplex Christian from the ropes. Not believable.

You can tell that Jack Swagger is Jim Ross's boy. Swagger vs. Christian was a good one.

Bit surprising to see this match set up first. Of course, they could have gone with Kane vs. Punk, which was standard (and also baffling).

Nice touch with Christian and Edge on screen again. I could picture them dressing up as fat Elvises again. Or Christian breaking out the kazoo and Edge rapping.

Jericho and Steamboat went to pretty much every trick in the book. It was what I expected it to be. A bit clumsy in spots, but good enough. Was pretty funny to watch Jericho basically run into Steamboat to get his ass kicked. Nice sendoff for Steamboat, and Jericho's going to Smackdown.

Enjoyed Jericho saying his catchphrase "Ask Him" and by goodness, he was the loudest person in the near-silent arena.

Here's a tip: If you're going to rip off Leslie Nielsen's "I Faked Every Orgasm" line from "The Naked Gun," you can't chump it out. Santino said, "I faked you-know-what." Remember, you're supposed to be funny. Make up some weird stuff like "I faked every Santino Surprise." Whatever happened to Santino's good comedy, like "scrontamous region" or his reign as Intercontinental champion? (credit to moviecatcher.net for pic).

Hell, I was surprised Lawler said "Damn" on the broadcast.

Rosa Mendez was wearing a nice outfit. That's what she is there for.

Kane gets the victory over Punk. Um, yeah. Pushing him because See No Evil 2 is coming out. May 19th. The voices. The horrible voices. May 19th.

Paul I can't feel my legs.

I have IED.

JBL is poopy.

Edge vs. Show can be like Hogan vs. Warrior.

Dammnit I'm your father Hornswoggle! Now kiss it! Kiss my ass!

You can tell that the crowd was sitting on their hands waiting for the Hardy Boyz to start bringing out the hardware. An "I Quit" match that featured the Hardy Boys and you would expect them to be hitting each other with vacuum cleaners.

Liked the sign "Don't Quit Jeff." Also liked "I Picked Hardy To Win." Wha?

The Hardy Boys bust out submission moves and give off cheesy one-liners. Basically that was the whole match.

QUITTT! No! QUIIITT! Forget it! QUITTTT!! NoooOOO!

Jeff does busts out the duct tape and some rope. Oh-kay. Ties up his brother up on a table. Matt begs for forgiveness and mentions that Jack the dog, the love of Jeff's life, is watching from doggie heaven. I love you Jeff! (credit to JeffHardyzGirl.deviant.com and my skillz on Microsoft Paint).

Jeff of course jumps and smashes his brother through a table. Oh brother.

That was a well-executed match. I still liked their stretcher match, but the conclusion to this match just fit. And it was Matt who tried to kill Jeff. Or maybe it was Doink the Clown. Or Amy Dumas. Or A.J. Styles.

Randy Orton can afford to be deliberate and methodical in his actions. A slight twist of the head, the craning of the neck, slow pacing around a wounded wrestler lying on the ground...Hell, even his much dreaded chinlocks are salvaged by the selling of his eyes. WWE is big in the facial expression of their wrestlers, and Orton is the top example of what they are looking for.

Okay. Quick question: Which was worse? That ODB Dating Skit or the Santina-Khali kiss bit?

The answer is...The Santina-Khali kiss bit. By a ton.

While the ODB Dating skit offered some very lame humor laced with sexual innuendo (and dancing!), it at least set up the Cody Deaner-ODB relationship, which is fine by itself. I remember being pissed about it because uh, they could be showing something that doesn't suck. I didn't pay to watch this crap unfold. Here is what I wrote about the ODB dating bit:

I thought that the "ODB segment" on the PPV was going to be a quick and forgettable affair. Should have last two minutes, top. "Ha ha she picked Shark Boy". And we move on. Instead TNA pumps it up like it was comedy gold. The "ODB dating scene" just seared into people's minds that not only will be they be chumps for buying TNA PPVs, but that TNA is a joke. People should have been throwing toilet paper in the ring.

It's one of those things where you're glad you missed that bullet. You know a PPV segment is bad when fans would rather watch a cat fashion show. Silly, stupid, and a waste of your money? You bet.

Let's not kid ourselves. Both bits were awful and terrible. But the Santina-Khali kiss bit seemed to be from the seventh level of hell. While the ODB dating skit lasted about 13 minutes or so, Santina-Khali seemed to last 13 years. While that ODB dating skit was lame and unfunny, the Santina-Khali kiss bit was pure torture to sit through.

So we have an unfunny bit, but what really drove it down was that it managed to bring other people down to its stinky depths. You knew it was going to suck. But then came the shock that it went below your expectations.

Hey, let's make fun of our hall of fame announcer Jim Ross. Boy, doesn't that just make you chuckle, the thought of good ol' J.R. and Santina locking lips. Never mind the fact that this sketch is reaching for any sort of reaction from anywhere. Strike one.

And hey, did you know that The Great Khali is The Great Molester? They should have advertised that for their PPV commercials..."WrestleMania 25 was a spectacle...but after the battle is over...there comes a backlash...watch warriors fight with every last breath in their body...and watch The Great Khali rip off the bra of a cross-dresser. Get that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. UFC can't match that. They don't got Giants, midget or cross-dressers. Ha!" Portraying Khali as a groper. What's next? Groper-women beater Khali tagging with Kane who likes to rape people? Strike two.

Hey, guess how Beth Phoenix will lose to Santina? By Khali bonking Beth on the head and pushing her down. Weird WWE kiddie man-on-woman violence. Strike three. You're out!

And, oh yeah, this crap will continue. Santina will continue to defend her "Miss WrestleMania" title from Beth Phoenix. Wonderful.

Remember when Santino comedy on Raw was a highlight? Geesh.

So might not only Santina be the winner of the worst character of the year award for 2009 (Joe is #2 right now), but this Santina crud might be the worst angle as well. I thought WWE was supposed to have a finger on the pulse of their fans.

I was hoping that they would just stop. The character of Super Eric ruined many segments last year on Impact. Sad to say but this Santina crud might be that bad if given more air time.

This is what I wrote for the Absurd Backlash Preview for Santina-Khali:

Why You Shouldn't Be Excited
-- WWE "comedy" at its potential worst
-- This abomination may continue

VERDICT: It's So Absurd It Makes Me Want To Cry

Hey, I was right on the money, but the bit managed to suck even more! I would like to change the verdict to A Huge Stinking Pile of Absurdity (NUKE). I was wrong to give it at least some potential. I had to play the "reasonable and sensible" card and assume that it wouldn't be utter dreck. So wrong.

Shane McMahon comes to the ring. "Joining him now are his partners...Batista and The World Champion Triple H." I like that, Jillian. Thanks.

This match was...I know we tend to rate these in stars and all of that. But in my personal opinion this was a horrible, horrible match. Personally it wasn't what I paid to see. First, the whole Trips chasing Orton to the back made little sense. The announcers talked about how Orton was a coward for deserting his troops, but they forgot to mention that Orton was also a dumbass for not remaining at ringside to break up Team McMahon's pin attempts. So whopeedoo.

If you like watching Batista and Shane McMahon fight Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes, this was your match. Frankly I was fast-forwarding through this. Underwhelming.

Loved it how the announcers were talking that the world champion Triple H would prefer to control his own destiny and wrestle by himself...and then he tags in Shane.

Even if you could lie to yourself and pretend that Shane McMahon was this great badass, too bad that WWE like to flash up on the screen "The Executive Vice President Shane McMahon." Hey, what doesn't go together? World Champions and Executive Vice Presidents.

Remember the bit that if Team McMahon gets disqualified, Orton gets the gold? Trips gets Orton in the corner and does about 10 seconds of closed fist punches. It's all kayfabe, but I believe that is a disqualification. Thankfully this whole "disqualification" bit was never really explored in this match. What was explored was some painfully boring crap Dave and Shane dished out on the male models whose main offense was to sell, sell, sell.

Favorite part of the match was when the bell ringer botched the finish. Two count. But yeah, Orton lands the punt on doom on Trips. Oh, it isn't the crappy end to the crappy match. Oh wait, now it is. Yay.

So what's the ending? Hero Trips takes away the chair from Dave. In return, Trips gets injured at the hands of Orton. Big Dave feels remorse. Ugh.

Trips sold the punt well, but let's recap the effects of the punt of doom. Check out this link here if you are feeling sadistic (it recaps Orton's punts up to the one done to Matt Hardy). Hey, you get to watch the current TNA World Heavyweight Champion get punked out. (credit to bleacherreport.com for pic)

People Who Have Received the Punt Of Doom
-- Mick Foley
-- Shawn Michaels
-- Rob Van Dam
-- Ric Flair
-- Dusty Rhodes
-- Matt Hardy
-- John Cena Sr.
-- Batista
-- Vince McMahon
-- Shane McMahon
-- Randy Orton (Trips did it to him at Mania)

The punt of doom looks and feels wicked. Legends in the business get put out of action. Or they have to sell their pretend concussion (Shawn Michaels). But Shane-o and Vince pop right back up. Batista gets punted in the head and he's out for four months. Shane gets punted in the head and he's dancing and jiving in like two weeks.

Gee, Trips. John Cena Sr. shrugged off the punt of doom like it was nothing. He was sitting front row on the Unforgiven 2007 PPV.

It's hard to truly believe that Trips can take sledgehammer shots to the skull and yet be laid out "for the rest of his career" by a simple punt to the head. To me the neck-brace thing for Trips was overhanded. But whatevs. I get it. Orton takes care of Trips and Legacy runs wild on Raw. The valiant Trips gets laid out by evil Orton and Batista must answer the call to save the WWE universe from evil male models.

The whole dramatic Triple H injury bit played off like a bad cheesy movie. Guess who gonna avenge his injury? Guess who feels remorse? Batista (credit to cdn.vidilife.com for pic).

Maybe it was the point Orton made in his promo about Batista being Trips's lackey. So what does the future hold for Batista? Being Trips's lackey and fighting for him. Huh.

Face Batista vs. Orton and Legacy. Well, some new blood. They went with pushing Orton while having Batista play the bland old babyface card for now.

Some people might get excited that it looks like Trips might be off television for awhile, but I'm not. Dave going after Orton...yeah.

Nobody will be buying the match for the plodding in-ring action (along with having to swallow Super Shane) and nobody will be buying the match for the tepid finish.

Considering how Punk got jobbed out tonight, no cashing in for him. It's Cena vs. Edge. Did this match remind anyone else of Batista vs. Undertaker at Backlash in their Last Man Standing Match? Nearly the same conclusion (thing goes boom!). This time Cena was the one who went boom.

Did get a kick out of the WWE plants to cushion Edge's fall from Cena's Attitude Adjustment. Hey dude, what's wrong with your ass? Looks like you stuffed a stunt pad underneath there. And what's with wearing those WWE generic T-shirts?

Did get a kick out of WWE wrestlers fighting in the crowds like in the old days, even though they sure as hell got out of there fast.

Guess who goes on the stretcher too? John Cena.

Was the PPV worth buying? Sorta. In my opinion, the Santina-Khali and Team McMahon vs. Team Orton bits were putrid. The mid-card did a nice job of supporting the PPV, and Cena vs. Edge was the homerun.

BACKLASH VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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