By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

Vickie, having once again regained feeling in her legs, welcomes us to Raw.

Lawler: Did ya think you would hear those words new WWE champ? Well, actually, yeah I did. We all did. That bogus stipulation basically guaranteed that Orton would be winning...

Oh right. I'm not part of the intended audience. I'm WWE Wilbur and I'm six years old. SuperTrips never, ever loses.

Wouldn't want to play golf behind Legacy. Hurry up! Geez, you're walking so slow. FORE! Randy Orton slowly...turns...his...head...(credit to j-cena.com for pic).

Lawler says that the McMahon family is not enjoying a second of Orton being champ. The McMahon family feels that the WWE belt should not be worn by slime like Orton. The belt that was created like four years ago and was a spinny belt for hated John Cena. That very one.

Sign: "HHH got screwed." Ugh. Don't know what to think when the crowd couldn't even get the "you suck" chants down right. It took them a while, but they finally got it! Yay!

Orton lays into the McMahons in his promo: Da McMahon Family...5 years...blah blah blah.

Orton tells us that we're all just fat failure turtles. This coming from a meathead who once crapped in a diva's purse. And probably still does. I'm a success for crapping in handbags, people! You will pay me respect! (credit to static.desktopnexus.com for pic).

"Those of you in your early 20s, you are nothing but failures." Yawn. Come on, Randy. Every WWE heel does that. Jericho? Check. Matt Hardy? Check. Randy might as well be wearing a shirt that says, "I Want You To Boo Me." Then you expect a 20-year-old to root for Batista who is a bulked up male model.

"Those in you in your 30s, chances are you're not evening watching this program. Because WWE has declared that everybody over the age of 15 must check out." Thanks for being honest, Orton.

This McMahon family drama. Ugh.

The most valuable jobber MVP comes out. R-V-Uh, M-V-P! Here comes the freshness. You will respect a man who wears a red nose strip. Ballin'.

MVP lays into DiBiase and Rhodes, calling them "Abercrombie & Fitch" models. Come on...say it...say it... "I'm on Monday Night Raw baby boy!" Yay! He said it! Uh! Uh! Uh Uh! Suck it down! Monday Night Raw! It's so tame! Hardcore lameness! XXX boring! Extreme childishness! Way too simple for TV!

If Jonathan Coachman and The Rock had sex, the offspring would be one MVP. If that was possible.

Rhodes fires back: "We'll thrash you. Then Orton will shoot you in the face. With a gun. Then will kiss you."

MVP's promo was good and a nice way to bring him to Raw. But it's stretching a bit to believe him as a credible threat considering his five-month losing streak. We're talking losing to hometown jobbers here people.

MVP is straight out thuggin'. Lose the nose strip.

Commercial Break: 5...5 Dollar...5 Dollar Footlong...

More effective "Did You Know?" this time around. We beat oprah.com!

Lawler and Cole recap the Raw draft for the newcomers. The valiant Trips is injured, Hornswoggle is the "Boring Match Saver," and The Brian Kendrick gets some love. Lawler even pumps him up. Even though I'm pretty sure Lawler hasn't paid attention to a Spanky match since...forever.

TBK comes out in his "Road Warrior" Jacket. Out comes Kofi Kingston. Did you catch the commentary done by one Todd Grisham during Kofi's match with Edge last week? Grisham said, "The Jamaican is getting high!" Then on Smackdown he dropped a "Dazed and Confused" line. Hmmm.

Jim Ross: MVP really has to take hold of this one. This is for the United States Championship, and Dolph Ziggler understands that these opportunities don't come very often.
Todd Grisham: Indeed. Legalize it. Oh! The tables have turned and now MVP is feeling it. Blaze a fatty. He's coming off the ropes...
Jim Ross: Wha?

And yeah, there was some "Santina loves Jim Ross" signs out there. I get the feeling that the WWE audience is ready for anything new or exciting, so any crap that comes along their way they cheer like hell and WWE goes, "Wow! We have a real hot thing here! More Santina!"

TBK eats a loss. They sure do hate Spanky. Not sure if Mr. Boom Boom needed the win here, but whatevs. Fine short match.

Many people complained that Backlash wasn't bloody or violent enough. I understand that when you pay for a PPV, you expect them to push the envelope. Apparently pushing the envelope for WWE was saying "damn" twice.

I'm a proponent of the idea that shedding blood can help push the story of the match. If Stone Cold didn't bleed in his WrestleMania 13 match with Bret Hart, it wouldn't have the same "magical" vibe to it.

But when checking out the WWE, you have to know that WWE is aiming for the kids now. It was no surprise to me that Matt vs. Jeff would focus more on human emotion than attacking each other with flaming chairs. Cena vs. Edge would focus more on the "10 count." If you're young, you're probably screaming at the TV for Cena to get up. That damn Ric Flair used to get me riled up when I was young. So did talk shows. Then I grew up and understood that it's all just theater and then began to question what I was watching.

If you're a bit older you're wondering why they are resorting to this cheap "10 count" tactic. It's for the kids. A simple clothesline should not require a ten count in a Last Man Standing match. Many people don't pay to watch the Hardy Boyz do submission moves on each other in an "I Quit" PPV match.

Abyss takes hardcore bumps every PPV. But it doesn't stick. It doesn't resonate. There has to be a real point when hardcore violence happens in wrestling.

They recap Cena being thrown into the spotlight. Boom.

It's Show and Vickie. No "why don't you meet me later at my hotel" line which was pretty prevalent in the Bischoff-WWE years. Damn.

They recap the Santina-Khali horror. It's another lump them together Divas match.

How did WWE fix the problem of their pointless, interchangeable Divas matches? By adding a cross-dresser and a horny leprechaun.

Hey, parents! We got rid of Viscera, the guy who liked to hump people. Now we have gropers, perverts, and sexual deviants!

Brie Bella goes outside the ring. Rosa Mendez chases after her. Oh look, under the ring was once-evil other Bella. Apparently Horny and evil Bella have been getting it on under the ring.

Rosa runs. Horny chases after her. Fire extinguisher comes into play. So does tennis balls, squirt guns, blow up dolls, sausages, a live rooster, the Intercontinental title, whipped cream, tazers, X-Ray vision glasses, and a large photo of Vince McMahon's ass. What a circus.

Holy balls, Coleman! Horny is staring up at Santina's junk! Horrified Horny hurries backstage to purge his eyes from the sight of Santina's balls.

Cole then says, "Coming up next on this earth-shaking Monday Night Raw..."

Take that, NBA playoffs.

Got to admit that was the first divas match I actually watched all the way through in a while.

The Judgment Day title. It's gonna judge your ass. I like it.

Commercial Break: The Wayans Brothers can't be stopped. "Dance Flick" is coming out. Apparently "White Girls" was Vince's favorite movie. Along with Mrs. Doubtfire, Dead Man Don't Wear Plaid, Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Tootsie, The Crying Game, To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything!, Big Momma House's 1 & 2, Sorority Boys, and Juwanna Mann.

Can't explain why it seems us males are apparently so willing to dress up like girls. But enough of that. Back to more of recapping tough badasses who shave their bikini zones daily.

More Raw Draft recap. Mr. Kennedy is injured and Matt Hardy has a broken hand. Matt on his blog has informed us that no longer is the Mattitude dating his hand. Thanks, buddy.

Matt whines. "He broke my hand. What did you expect me to do? So I quit." Well, I expect you to fight through the pain. I also expect that not every WWE heel be a coward and a hypocrite. I understand why they do it, but Matt, buddy, tonight you didn't separate yourself from say, a Chavo Guerrero.

Goodbye killer heel Matt vibe.

"I'm wrestling under protest." Why are you even wrestling in the first place?

Hey, more cross-dressers. Hey, WWE only employs the best cross-dressers in the world. Goldust gets hit in the head with Matt's hand cast and gets the quick pin.

I didn't understand the point of this. Matt's promo did more damage for his character, dead silence for Goldust...perhaps Matt will keep the hand cast on for the following weeks.

Randy Orton then comes out and punts Matty in the skull for stealing his daddy's gimmick.

Orton vs. MVP. My favorite part of the match was the announcers in grave undertones talking about how long Trips may be out. Dave was out for four months. Okay. Then they actually mention Vince and Shane. Guess how long Vince and Shane were out? Not very long. Whoops. Bad way to convey to fans that Trips is out forever.

Of course they do the tactic of not talking about what doesn't concur with their mission plan. WWE tends to rewrite their own history so that it's more favorable to them.

Lawler then goes to talk about how it's all about the speed and velocity of Orton's foot....where it lands...the air in the arena...the wind resistance...the angle of the foot...how much force Orton puts behind it...70 percent force...or perhaps it was 100 percent this time...funny. But we get it. Trips is out for-ev-er. FOR-EV-ER. I wish they did tell us when Trips is returning, so I could prepare myself for SuperTripsMania that would go down. "Next week, Trips will defeat Legacy in a handicap match with one hand tied behind his fact...Now you Orton fans better just accept the fact that 'SuperTrips chases Scared Orton with Sledgehammer Part 2' is gonna happen."

I feel about MVP's outfit the same way I feel about Cena's jean shorts. It's hard to convince yourself that you're not watching a clown out there in some funky attire.

WWE continue with their MVP push by having Shane-o (ugh) whack Orton with a kendo stick, thus the match ends in a DQ.

The character of MVP has to beat that "overrated, over-hyped" tag that's been placed on him. The five-month losing streak comes into play here.

Shane gets his shots on Orton for the valor of the McMahon family...I'm physically ill on hearing this baloney about this McMahon family angle...runs through the crowd...and then stands on top of a table like freaking King Kong looking down on Legacy (credit to images.theage.com.au for pic).

Understand that the character of Shane gets over with the crowd, but aren't we supposed to be pushing, you know, wrestlers? Or what any sort of emotional attachment there is in watching Shane defend his family's honor against a guy who likes to crap in purses?

We harp on pushing Jeff Jarrett...but I gotta say that this Shane-o push is way worse.

The young dogs are getting the spotlight on them this Raw. Here comes the Miz.

The Miz comes out and does the WWE Heel Thing. ("You're all fat failure turtles blah blah blah.") Is this going somewhere?

He's challenging Cena. Oooh. "I can't see you. Cuz your movies don't stay in theaters long enough." Take that, poophead. Real World 4 life. Big Dick Johnson lap dance represent, yo (credit to a.getbackimages.com for pic).

Did like how they took a shot at their own movies. And hey, credit to WWE for not playing Cena's music twice or something. If I was in Miz's position I would probably be a douchebag and start up a Cena chant or something.

And yep, this has that WCW Jericho-Goldberg vibe.

This is from Chris Jericho's "A Lion's Tale: Around The World In Spandex" from Grand Central Publishing...

"I didn't care that he was pissed about the previous night's show and I was happy to have an angle. So I went to the ring and bragged to the crowd about my won-loss record of Jericho 1, Goldberg 0. I challenged him to a match and had the ref count to 10. When he didn't show, I won the match by count-out and now it was Jericho 2, Goldberg 0...People were really getting sick of my bull---- and the fans were itching to see him tear me apart." (Pg. 370, 373)

Primo & Carlito vs. Chavo & Jamie Noble? Filler time. Take that, UFC who have filler matches in their PPVs.

Batista says to Nosebleed that he's going to defend the McMahon family honor (ugh) and he's going to become Dubya Dubya E Champion. Then he will hand the belt back to Trips. Probably not wise to paint somebody as a lackey to a guy who, when injured and lying on a stretcher facing the potential end of his career, was greeted by fans singing "Na na na na hey hey goodbye."

But then I forget WWE is not targeting the Internet crowd. Trips was a great guy and so is Dave. Hooray for the McMahon family. Hooray.

Vickie? Zzzz. "I'm here to remind you of recent current events." They then show the same freakin' video package from the start of the show. Thanks for wasting my time. It gets better.

"Next week on Raw, it's Orton vs. Shane McMahon!...wait, where's the pop?" Booo. Guess not everybody loves dancing Shane.

This is the time of year where WWE lose their damn minds. They go, "My God! We're a sinking ship! We've got nothing! We've got nothing but stale formulas and old stars! Quick! Think of something to keep fans tuned in! Okay, we've got the MITB tease, but we need more! I know! McMahon Money Mania! Adamle as GM! Cross-dressers comedy! That will do it!"

I don't care if Shane can wrestle a four-star match. Every time I see him doing his stupid dance move it pisses me off, because the boss's son is getting pushed over guys who do this for a living. This Orton-McMahon family madness just won't end.

Here's the quick Dave vs. Show recap: Shows steps on Dave a lot, Dave brings in a new trademark move (stamping his feet for power bomb), then Cena shows up.

News here is that Cena cost Show the match. "It's shocking, Cole! Cena is here! And he's standing!" Well, it's not shocking. It was even expected. Certainly we've seen Cena bounce from far worse than getting thrown through a spotlight.

From the cradle to the grave? More like cradle to the pre-teens. We fat failure turtles in our 20s and 30s need something of substance in this WWE Universe. We are just getting bombarded with this kiddie crap that's painfully simple. Sometimes watching Raw is like watching Sesame Street. Wait, I take that back. Street can be informative, yo. It's like watching a TV show designed for babies, with some cross-dressing humor.

I find myself being bored and dis-attached from this PG WWE Universe age we see. Sometimes no amount of epic video packages or dramatic music can cover up that things are stale and stupid. But WWE believes it can.

MVP and Miz had a nice night tonight. But other than that, this show was not one for the video archives. If you didn't like the direction WWE was going on before this show aired, tonight went a long way into proving that your feelings were well-founded.

Plus that Judgment Day title was pretty cool. Yep, I'm stretching.

RAW'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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