By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Old timers on the bench playing cards and thangs
Telling tales about they used to be involved in things
Start to drinking, talking loud, cussing up and showing out
On the phone, call the cops, pick'em up, move'em out"

-"Habitat" by Mos Def

It's Wednesday. Hump day. It's also "Whip Them Out Wednesday" according to my local rock station. I'll be recapping ECW along with other thoughts.

ECW takes place in WWE's favorite arena, The Garden. Where they strive to put on a good show. If you're catching a Raw in California, you're screwed. Don't remember the last good WWE show in my home state of California. The wrestlers are probably too busy trying to land movie deals. And Todd Grisham is too busy trying to hook up with Snoop Dogg and Doug Benson.

Apparently that is now every wrestler's dream...to star in a crappy movie that barely covers (most of the time it doesn't) the cost of making it. I'm not just an entertainer, I'm also an actor. A real thespian. That's all Kurt Angle does on Impact nowadays. Sits in the back with his two scowling MEM fat boys and talks to ol' Bug Eyes.

If you haven't caught on, Christian likes to do promos where he points out what's going to happen. "Jack Swagger is going to interrupt me." What a smart-ass. But guess what, Internet crowd, it didn't happen. He was interrupted by the mouse of modesty Tommy Dreamer (credit to i42.tinypic.com for pic)

Christian's smart-ass promos. He can get away with it. He took away all of my girlfriends. He took away my ride. He and his army of cats invaded my house and took over. And that's okay. Why? Because he's Christian. And Christian does what Christian wants.

Y'all remember Trips' "I'm gonna explain to you two knuckleheads what a 'promo' is?" promo? It was directed towards MVP and TBK.

Tommy Dreamer spills his guts in talking about once again becoming ECW champion. I'm going soft here, but WWE would get major props in my book if they had him win at One Night Stand in a battle with Swagger. Damn my softness.

The best dressed man in the biz (sorry Batista, but you're probably still the winner of "guy who gets more ass than a toilet seat") Jack Swagger interrupts Christian and Dreamer's patty cake.

I sometimes catch myself fascinated with Swagger's lisp and tongue. But they are guys who've been doing this for 20 years who can't handle a promo. Swagger just gets it. He doesn't need moody emo music ala Jeff Hardy. MVP, Miz, and Swagger this week are good examples of working promos.

What I like about Tiffany is that she separates herself out of the pack of garden-variety divas. With her rat nest's hair and eye makeup, I could see her being trashy and rubbing a kendo stick suggestively. In talking about old ECW ladies, check out Dawn Marie's Wrestlers Rescue.

Ugh...just now had a flashback to when Stephanie McMahon was GM...or when she "owned" ECW...long live the alliance...and would screech her promos...aieee.

Tyson Kidd loves pink so much he even has a pink comb.

I was watching NBA basketball, and their pre-game show was a "touch screen" for showing different teams and such. A waste of money? Largely useless? More flash than anything useful? You bet. But it's cutting edge. Wrestling doesn't have that "cutting edge" vibe.

Everybody and their momma is jumping on this twitter train. From rock stars to sports stars to talk show hosts, twittermania is spreading like a nasty fungus. Know why WWE hasn't done anything about this twitter thing? Because of leaks. WWE sometimes reminds me of the Mafia.

That's why I say hire fake twitters to write fake tweets back to those tweeters. "Hey FYI J-Day is coming in 3 weeks?" I also want me some damn holograms in wrestling. That Evan Bourne-Pirate promo could have the best thing on television if it had holograms. Now damnit, now! This is what wrestling needs. Not unions, a truly believable drug testing program or health benefits, but holograms! (credit to allanjosephbatac.com for pic).

Commercial Break: The WCG Ultimate Gamer Season Finale. Are video gamers athletes? Are they? Are they? No they're not. But I play "Halo 2" for ten hours each day! Nope, you're not an athlete. Now stop screaming in my ear when I play online. And stop crouching up and down on my character's face.

Finlay, that tough bastard, comes out to Irish jig music. ECW informs us that it's going to start a hour later. ECW is the really only show I watch on Tuesday nights, so not a problem. Sorry, I don't catch Idol.

What I liked about Finlay-Kidd is that it wasn't just filling time. Admit it. Show vs. Dave on Raw was nothing more than Show doing his Big Slow offense and then out of nowhere Dave gets a little fire in his belly and picks up the win. I could convince myself to believe in the story of the match. I can't do the same thing with Shane McMahon wrestling. It's neigh impossible.

Great leg subs by Kidd. He also liked to scream out "I'll break his leg! Come on! I'll break his leg!" Wouldn't that be something if a wrestler did break another wrestler's leg in the ring? I don't watch MMA for that reason. I find myself squeamish in watching bones snap under the skin.

TBK can wrestle four minute matches and make them useful, but on Raw he can get lost on the shuffle. Evan Bourne needed to stay on ECW.

Good match here. I also like how not every WWE face wins using goody-two shoes tactics.

Oooh. Kozlov comes out in his military gear. I like. KOMANANP POTBL. While TNA's Bashir anti-USA character has an edge and a somewhat intriguing background, Kozlov is just another cardboard cutout bad guy. I'm surprised that Kozlov hasn't announced that he was trained under Ivan Koloff.

I'm scared to death of this man. Run away! (credit to ivankoloff.com for pic).

Or that he's the son of Nikolai Volkoff and didn't start singing the Russian national anthem in Madison Square Garden. Did like his military garb. Perhaps he will start wrestling in military pants and military boots.

Because global domination is hard when you wearing whitey tighties.

But hey, much better than a Kozlov squash. Maybe he can start make people bleed by head butting them.

This guy? Eh. Not scary (credit to 1.bp.blogspot.com for pic).

Maybe Kozlov needs a badass tattoo. Who has the best tats in WWE? It's a race between C.M. Punk, Ummagggga, and Rey Mysterio. Who is the winner?

Why it's Shane McMahon. Yep, inside sources tell me that's why he wears layers when he wrestles. It's not to cover up flab. It's to hide his hardcore tattoos that scream "ICE COLD KILLA MOTHERTRUCKER" with skulls and dragons from hell.

Who has the worst tattoos in WWE? I'm going with Mr. Kennedy. Your tattoos suck...suck.

Check out Superstar Ink. It's a bit old (Robbbbby and Rorrrry are still employed by the WWE) but check it out. The WWE Universe commands you. While there you can buy some Jeff Hardy armbands.

My tattoos suck too. Getting tattoos is expensive, and I waste all of my money on TNA PPVs.

Oh yeah, TNA. Let's go with Scott Steiner having the best tattoos in TNA. I wouldn't expect Big Poppa Pump to holla at me in the discussion posts. It's not because he doesn't visit "mark wrestling websites". It's because that meathead doesn't even know how to work a computer. Word is that if you ask Steiner to go on the internet, five minutes later you'll find him trying to hump the computer. Steiner get down from there! Good gravy man what the blue hell are you doing? It wasn't built for that! Or that! Then you spray water on him till he gets down. It's true.

Yep, I wouldn't expect him to respond violently in the discussion posts. No siree.

Greggy Helms is your new backstage guy. With his southern accent he was interviewing a baby face who can't do promos yet. I felt I was watching a south-western wrestling organization. The Sun Belt Wrestling Organization. SBWO. We don't got that fancy pyro or video packages.

Evan Bourne reads off the idiot cards, or had the whole thing memorized magically before Helms asked him the question.

Guess who comes in? The pirate himself. "We've got a re-match". Wha re-match? What the hell are you...oh. Rematch with Bourne. "You got lucky last week." We sure didn't, Mr. Pirate. Well, take two.

Helms says "Whatz up with that?" Yay.

Commercial break: "Live on Raw, Randy Orton faces the wrath of Shane McMahon."

Okay. This is what America fears right now, from top to bottom.

-- Shane McMahon
-- The swine flu
-- Unemployment
-- Being kicked out of their house
-- The national debt
-- Bills
-- War
-- Michael Jackson
-- Another John Cena Movie
-- Hulk Hogan
-- Killer Bees
-- Bears (Godless Killing Machines!)
-- Vladimir Kozlov

This list isn't realistic. We all know that in real life, Hulk Hogan is number one. It's Hulkamania! Aieee! Lock the doors! Hulkamania is on the loose!

I also wouldn't expect Kevin Nash to defend the Hulkster in the posts as well.

Striker and Mr. Nosebleed bicker like a divorced couple. Striker and Grisham...sigh. It's Christian vs. Dreamer. Christian loses the ability to chew solid food after an ugly clothesline. Meaning it looked fugly. Guys are working hard.

ECW is the Raw Remedy. ECW restores my faith in WWE after another bloated, manufactured, and sterile Raw.

Swagger comes in and takes over his ring. Take a good look at Swagger's right ear. That's cauliflower ear at its best. Check out Cauliflower Alley Club. RIP "Playboy" Buddy Rose. Check out the "Favorite Quotes" section.

"More enduringly than any other sport, wrestling teaches self-control and pride. Some have wrestled without great skill - none have wrestled without pride." - Dan Gable.

ECW'S VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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