By Shane McKinley, Torch specialist

"Am I still tough enough?
Feels like I’m wearing down
Is my viciousness losing ground?
Am I taking too much
Did I cross a line?
I need my role in this
Very clearly defined"

-"Discipline" by Nine Inch Nails

Happy weekend everybody. I'll be recapping Superstars, Impact, and Smackdown, along with my various musings.

Superstars opened up with Gail Kim, Michelle McCool, Afro Girl, and her royal majesty herself, the Queen of England. Being how this was a divas match, the WWE universe laughed its collective heads off when the Queen of England found out that Santina is indeed a man, baby. Plus she got groped by that horny leprechaun, Hornswoggle.

In other news the British will be invading America and taking back what is theirs.

Speaking about Alicia Kim, at least we don't have to see Rhaka Khan wrestle anymore. Kevin Nash has taken her place for monkey-butt ugly wrestling matches over in TNA.

Personally if it's not the Gail Kim vs. Michelle McCool feud, I've stopped caring about the Divas matches.

Mark Henry gets a video package. It's bumpin'. He's a triple O.G., triple, triple. I like Mark Henry, even though he would probably push me out of the way while I was standing in line waiting to get some Cold Stone creamery ice cream.

Superstars is what it is. Meaning it's often boring. If you're interested in seeing Ted DiBiase, Jr. work, you'll tune in. But it's not at all must see.

Case in point, that Paul Burchill-Evan Bourne match. Even the announcers were more concerned dropping video game references ("I feel like I should be pushing L1 + Triangle when I see Bourne" by Matt Striker. Yay! He's a PS3 guy!) than calling the match. Doesn't look too good for Paul Burchill. But let's stop being negative about the guy about how he exudes zero personality or that Chris "Pet Rock" Palumbo had more charisma. Let's sing him a song. Everybody, join in! (credit to imagecache.allposters.com for pic)

"That's life
that's what all the people say
You're riding high on Monday,
shot down in May
But I ain't never gonna change my tune
when I'm back on top in the month of June
I said, that's life
Ain't as funny as it may seem,
some people get their kicks
stompin' on a dream
But I don't never let it get me down
'cause that big ol' world keeps spinnin' 'round
Been a puppet, a pirate, a poet, a pauper, a pawn and a king
Been up and down and over and out and I know one thing:
each time that I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race"

-"That's Life" by David Lee Roth

Give in, Burchill. Don the pirate outfit once more.

I was yawning during this bit. One of my favorite parts of "EC McMahon W" was that Kelly Kelly exhibitionist phase. For some odd reason while she was stripping she had problems. It was awkward. They cut back to Joey Styles and Taz. A kid behind them gave off a smart-ass "yawning" motion. Right on.

Reminding you of recent current events, here is another Raw video package.

Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase do their promo. Whatever happened to heels shoving backstage guys around? Push Mr. Nosebleed around. I would like to see that one time. DiBiase is the much better promo guy over Community Theatre Cody.

Solid match with DiBiase and Carlito. And if you didn't catch it, Lawler made a quip about Carlito's hair.

SUPERSTARS' VERDICT: In The Middle Of Absurdity

Bulls-Celtics goodness over watching Impact? Yep.

It's obvious who I am a fanboy for (Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, Jack Swagger, Bam Neely), but which guy do I absolutely detest?

Triple H? John Cena? Shane McMahon? Jeff Jarrett? Kevin Nash? Carlito?

Who is it? Many of the absurd maniacs would say, "this douchebag hates Triple H." I did once write that Triple H was "the Prince of Pricks" and criticized nearly every promo he had during his stay on Smackdown. Trips did give me a lot of ammo, though (credit to upload.wikimedia.org for pic).

But as time went on I've grown softer about Triple H. I appreciate his in-ring work and understand how valuable he is to the company. Perhaps I'm too naive about his infamous backstage proceedings, but I also don't give a fig about that. I care about the product. Let's face it - some guys just wait around to get pushed. In my opinion, a lot of the Internet crowd loves to rail against Trips about being SuperTrips (and I have done this myself) because deep down inside they're jealous of his power and pull within the company.

Now mind you, Trips will never, ever be my boy ("Triple Jeopardy," fat jokes, old act, the "Triple H face standar,d" etc.) But he's not my worst rival. While I feel that in large part the Trips-Orton feud has been a mountain of muck, it is still watchable. I also find myself rooting for Trips in his old-school approach of making sure that the power given to people is to those who deserve it (of course, this is up for debate).

If not Triple H, who else? Kevin Nash? I like the big ol' lug, even though I am strugg-a-ling to watch his matches. John Cena? That horndog is fine in my book. Jeff Jarrett? A worthy contender, but he's still the best con man in the business. And I can't doubt that he can pull off a great match with Kurt Angle, even though I feel that he puts the spotlight on himself far too often. Carlito? Railed against him for a long-ass while, but nowadays there's a least a fire in his belly. Shane McMahon? I have confidence that this Shane McMahon Domination will end soon. Who do I have it in for nowadays?

Mick Foley.

And I'm a Foley fan. I enjoyed his announcing gig in WWE, even though talking about Hornswoggle's fanny and singing Bruce Springsteen songs to Michelle McCool was never going to gel with Vince McMahon. But I can't stand his work down in TNA. I don't care for the "Mick Foley reality show," Foley being world champion, or the fact that Dude Love hasn't shown his face. Understand you're having a ball, dude. I'm not.

Impact welcomes us. Mike Tenay says he can't but think of the Sharmell-Jenna feud. Wha? This is what gets you going? TNA does a shoddy job of making their announcers believable. One of my favorite bits was when Booker brought out his "briefcase of mystery" and Tenay just couldn't stop talking about what could possibly be in that damn briefcase. Guh.

I'm waiting for the TNA PPV promo that goes "He hit him with a steel chair...then he hit him again...at the PPV, they will chump it out...this feud will continue with interference from Al Snow...TNA presents Victory Road."

Power. Control. Angle. Stop. Go. Penzoil.

If I hear "25 big ones" one more time I'm sending myself to the loony bin. And hey, Foley has more stitches over his eye than an Impact has minutes of wrestling. 25 to 20. All right.

What's bigger news? The return of Amazing Red or the fact that Red & Suicide got a victory over the IWGP Jr. tag team champs Motor City Machine Guns? Admit it. We were all gaga over Red.

The champs MCMG get beat? So what. Championship belts have as much significance in TNA as pocket lint. It's the same old song and dance done by TNA. I'm all up in this Red hype. A.J. Styles keeps breaking my heart by being portrayed as a chump constantly.

What's the most over phrase in TNA? "Do you have my back?" The Dude wants to know if the Guns have his back. The Dude isn't too bright.

LAX seem to be saddled with those "Feast or Fired" briefcases. In my opinion LAX are overhyped. Understand that they were the s--- years ago, but nearly on every Impact they are getting jobbed out.

Kong vs. Angelina Love is picking up steam, even though they have to ruin gimmick matches to do so.

After the MCMG-Daniels bit, I felt some butterflies in my stomach. Butterflies of hope for the revival of the real X Division.

The Dude wants to know if Joe has his back. Dude, you're champ. You should be your own man. Understand that the point here was to give the rub to the Dude's favorite young pups (MCMG, Joe), but it made everyone look idiotic.

Daffney informs us that she has stolen Roxxi's gimmick.

Matt Morgan vs. Bobby Lashley at Sacrifice for the initiation into MEM? Yeah, right. I'll be surprised if Bobby Lashley utters any syllables during his stint with TNA.

Ah, the Bobby Lashley tease. In the middle of the Booker/Nash vs. Styles/Joe match no less.

Power. Control. Angle. Please. Stop. This.

It's a Gears of War Co-player screaming about pain and blood. Oh wait, it's A.J. Styles who has dressed up in a stupid outfit. What else is new? (credit to m2.n4g.com for pic).

It's a promo for Sacrifice. That's wrestling big thing right now. "We're better than videogames. We don't have reset buttons." No, but much like promoting videogames, promoting PPVs are still chocked full of baloney and delusional statements.

I still believe that if they make a Gears of War movie, (it's all right there...Sci-Fi + meatheads) Batista would be the perfect choice for Marcus Phoenix.

The ending segment...was just bad. Just surreal in watching Mick Foley and Kurt Angle discuss where Angle should hit Foley. "I can have somebody bring in a steel chair in 30 seconds." Wha? You see, it was a comedy that wasn't really funny that was trying to pretend that it was a drama. You could excuse this bit if it was "live," but this was all pre-taped. Anyways, Sting comes back and the Sacrifice main event will be four old guys in the Florida retirement home battling each other for their medications.

I'm going with Red and MCMG-Daniels for saving this show. Other than that...yikes.

IMPACT'S VERDICT: Very Absurd

Onto Smackdown...was pretty amusing to see that during the C.M. Punk-Chris Jericho debate, Edge's mug was in the middle. He was acting like a confused dog.

Edge was the "MVP" of the show. He re-established his dominance after nearly being invisible on Smack. The "Luzer"? The Luzer of the show was Chris Jericho. "I was the superstar of the year! Superstar of the year! I've got nothing here! And my shtick has just gotten really old really fast!" Thank goodness that John Morrison (who might be face now) punked him out.

Speaking about John Morrison, WWE loves him now. They fed him Shelton Benjamin (credit to farm4.static.flickr.com for pic).

Jericho is in the back complaining. Khali steals his thunder. Don't know why WWE pulled Khali away from the Scramble match (now it's a fatal four-way match). But I'm liking it.

Really good fatal four-way match, especially with Mysterio vs. Jeff.

Jericho is in the back complaining yet again. "I was the superstar of the year blah blah blah." There's ... Maria. Edge is gonna call his wife.

They show the "world premiere" of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine - The Video Game." "Finally, a movie-based game that doesn't suck. These are the real graphics, not cut scenes." Ballsy. What the trailer didn't show you was blood flying everywhere. (When God of War III does come out, people will go, "hey, I've already played this game million of times before.")

In talking about Wolverine, it brings into mind the old debate: Who would win in a fight? Shane McMahon or Wolverine? (credit to comicscontinuum.com for pic).

Wolvie's an unstoppable badass who has had everything under the sun done to him. Meanwhile, Shane got that lighting quick dance shuffle. His elbow from the top rope can leave a massive hole in your chest. And his punches are so powerful they can make you forget your own name.

This is how the following matches would take place if I were to face these wrestlers:

Undertaker: I'm dead before I even hit the ring

Triple H: First he does a gay joke before the match starts, crushes my head with a sledgehammer, then he cries and waits for the WWE Universe to applaud him.

Chris Jericho: Hits me with a thesaurus and does his best Lanny Poffo impression

John Cena: Lifts me and my entire family on his shoulders and FUs us all

Joe: The trailer park psycho who doesn't know how to dress himself no sells everything

Mick Foley: Tweaks match beforehand to favor him not moving so much

Vince McMahon: I'm also dead before I hit the ring (this is not a joke, Vince McMahon puts the fear of God into me)

Shane McMahon: The incredible athlete punches a hole in my face and kicks my ass to the moon

In sports, it's not right to talk about wanting Kobe Bryant or LeBron James to get injured. Normal people don't want to be like those assholes who created t-shirts celebrating the Kansas Chiefs player Bernard Poller for injuring Patriot's QB Tom Brady.

But in wrestling, it's different. It's theater. And while we don't want Shane McMahon or any wrestler to get injured in real life (because that's just cold)...this madness has got to stop. I'm looking for something along the lines of Orton punting Shane's head off into the front row. Don't worry, Shane can grow back his head. Because he's got the McMahon heart.

Layla makes my knees buckle. I think she's the most beautiful Diva in WWE right now. Second would be Vickie Guerrero. Third would be Santina. Fourth would be Jeff Hardy.

Odd that MVP vs. Dolph Ziggler with some chick from The View was getting hype ala Vince McMahon vs. Donald Trump in their "Hair vs. Hair" match. On one hand this possibly opens more doors for higher level celebrities to come into WWE ("hey, we had Johnny Knoxville and The View visit us") but these baby steps are just weird for the typical WWE demographic.

Nice tease with C.M. Punk cashing in at the end of the match. Umaga interrupts and next week, it's Jeff-C.M. Punk vs. Edge and Umaga, more JoMo love, more Jericho complaining, and Santina-Khali have a bra and panties match.

SMACKDOWN'S VERDICT: A Little Absurd

Mick Foley is not my boy nowadays. Which wrestler or wrestling personality absolutely gets your goat?

Here's hoping that Shane McMahon pins Randy Orton. Come on, WWE. Commit the biggest mistake of 2009. You already had Shane-o own Orton the night after he won the Royal Rumble.

Email is mckinley.torch@gmail.com

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